Usually you need a headlamp and a jumpsuit for this.

How does this team ever provide good customer service? Do you see a problem here?

The way you get underneath our house is through little vents. Most nice people keep their little vents carefully screened up so that animals don't get under there. The kinds of nice people who do maintanence on their house and garden. The kinds of homeowners with crap piled up in their driveways and unsightly, trashy piles of boards and tarps and paint cans outside the back door and recycling piles everywhere and messy yards with weeds, they don't always have covers. That would be me. We've cultured a very ghetto look to our house over the last year or so. So I figure, well, the cat, it can go under the house. Get any mice out. Have a nice dry spot for the rain.

Twelve Pound Dogs fit too. Scrawny, little animals, smaller than cats. We got one dog here fits that descrip. Yep, and that's where Gustavo likes to hang out now. Under the house. I guess he isn't exactly hanging out there, though. That would be too understated. I believe actually either frolicking or hunting. Not sure who else is under there with him, because he slips through the tiny little cat size vent and runs around and barks. You can hear him from here, in the house. Under your feet somewhere, with his weird little Mexican Pet bark. Running. The barking sounds are over here and now over there. Why, I hear him now. Down where it's moldy and dark and damp and spiders and cable guy stuff. Running and barking that funny non dog bark. This is who I am trying to teach weave poles to?

Let's just wrap up the whole holiday thing right now.

So I looked it up, and last year I said for Christmas and for my New Years Motto (not sure why I need a motto and can't have a resolution like everyone else. I am so damn difficult) it was going to be to Get My Head Out of My Ass. I think I was pretty successful with that! I think it really meant Stop Being So Obsessed Beyond Nothing Else to Buy a Ranch. So I did stop obsessing, we didn't buy one, but that had more to do with dire financial realities than actually always following a motto. So here comes another year. We still are in our house. And we might still be here next year. And I am going to continue to keep my head up here in the sun where it belongs. Whenever possible.

So I think this year's motto is going to be Is That Good Customer Service? It is a motto question. That I will try to ask myself before I open my mouth. Are dogs customers? Then before I decide not to train them or to let them run amuck into a homeless camp or throw a rock at them when they are rolling in carcass, I am ask myself my motto. And I will just think of people in general as customers, and then...

OK. I kid you not. Just while I was writing this, there were cat fight sounds outside. So I ignore them because that's what cats do. They kill rats and fight eachother. Good for nothing cats. Finally the dogs are driving me crazy because they want to join the cat fight. So finally I go out there, and there is a nice lady out there. Maybe in church clothes. I walk outside and yell at the cats, "Knock it Off CATS!"

She is out there, looking into our yard, and says, "Oh, is that your cat? It scared me."

I look at her. I am thinking, damn lady in your ugly jacket, why are you afraid of some cats? I am pretty sure that I give her a look while I think this and I pick up a rock and throw it in the general direction of where I hear but don't see cats and yell "KNOCK it OFF!" and I look at her and go "damn cats. there's like 50 cats here and they have to just OWN their spot and fight it out."

She goes, "is your kitty ok? i was so scared."

OK. This was like cat posturing growl sounds. There were no blood and guts and gore noises here. Just some cats growling and making the dogs inside bark. I'm thinking lady, get back in church. The cats are ok. I tell her, "that's what cats do. cat's just fight is all. it's the CAT WAY!" and then I see Peppers run off and I yell at him to run home evil fat old Peppers. I feel compelled to say something like, "See lady, there are like 50 cats around here and each one has to be king of it's yard and they attack eachother all the time and it's just what cats do." Sheriff Ed Tom Bell in pajamas. And then she wished me a happy new years and I said and you too and I went in.

OK. So this wasn't neccessarily BAD customer service. And I woke up really late and haven't finished the coffee. But I think in a better customer service world I am nicer to this lady (is this sort of sounding like what would our precious baby jesus do?) and don't throw rocks at cats or at least don't do it in front of ladies who are scared of your cat (??) and don't wonder things like why the hell are you afraid of cats lady, just be a nice neighbor and fix the cat issue and show the neighbor the cats are all ok and you tell HER to have a happy new years. Sheriff Ed Tom Bell in a cheerful and sunny way.

See, I'm trying here. Maybe I'll watch the Secret DVD again. I think cleaning the house and finishing plastering the office can qualify as customer service. I'm throwing out the See's candy, I'll drive around happy with my new thing in my car that you plug the ipod into, my head is out of my ass, and let's just dive back into the world that isn't holidays right now.

Hello and welcome to the movie Juno.

All right. Here is a movie for you. It is called Juno and it was written by a dyed black hair ex stripper named Diablo Cody. Who had a blog.

I'm just saying. I was thinking, would it be a nice thing if I changed my name? I don't want Diablo Cody exactly. That's just not me. I think my official Porn Star name is Ruffles Smith. That's not so good. I did the Stripper Name Quiz and I got Sapphire Leather Thong. That doesn't exactly work either.

So anyways, Juno is a 16 year old goes preggers type movie, but not in a bad way. I won't say it's the best movie, but I did not fall asleep or ever want to walk out of it. Super opening titles! Very Web 2.0. Super actress playing the 16 year old, and not one but TWO Arrested Development characters, the dad and son, who do not play the dad and son in this movie and actually never even meet in the movie. Which left me wondering, did they get to hang out? How does that work in movie land if you don't have any scenes together, with production schedules and all and budgets? Not really my problem and also proved that my mind did wander in the film, which is very sweet and if you saw the previews, is a lot like them and you could pretty much skip the movie, not out of baddness, just out of you've seen a lot of it.

I don't like to give my movies away, in case you go to see them. I would say go see this if you would like to see a sweet and entertaining movie that you will not get bored in. And certainly in the 16 year old goes preggers genre, does a super job. You will see that Cut Chemist has a teensy, tiny part as the chemistry teacher. Also the step mom, who was on the West Wing, cuts out dog photos out of unfulfilled dog lust. And how much do we love the star, Michael Cera, who is known as Pauly Bleeker in this movie and plays the same dorky living in his brain young man in little yellow shorts and his ill fitting sweatband on his touseled non cool haircut. You will see Jennifer Garner and at first think you will hate her, but then you might not. So it gets points for that. The girl star, of the name Ellen Page, is like a super star of teenage type good acting in a very Freaks and Geeks way and is from Canada. Fine Job, Canadians! We hate the Arrested Development dad, living in the land of Nirvana and the Melvins.

Who did make me think, how out of touch and unevolved am I? Is he age appropriate or just living in a time warp and having a mid life crisis? Movie points to Juno for raising thought provoking, if not polar bear ice cap saving, questions. Dog points in the form of the Weimerarer puppies at the end and a barking fluffy dog named Banana. And for keeping me awake. I am having high hopes for a movie there were previews for called There Will Be Blood with oil driller miners and faith healers and that guy who played the silent Nietzs che teenager in Little Miss Sunshine and high hopes for a good movie.

All right. Get back to work.

All right. Vacation over. I know I made it sound like just a lot of sun and palm trees and good times. Hey, that's what it was. Except for when it was cold. Or we had to return the Christmas presents at the mall. Or when one relative was in the hospital after getting robbed and beat up at a Red Line Station. And one was calling from the cruise ship because the boyfriend had to go to the hospital in Australia and then we never heard from them again. And there is more drama. And each piece of Drama involves a million phone calls. And that is what the Christmas is really all about. The Drama! And the naps. You try making a 2 1/2 year old take a nap when he doesn't want to. Yeah, good luck with that one. Did I get even one nap? How did I stay so busy for 4 whole days of being off work?

But when you bring 4 dogs with you, you bring your own drama. What kind of insane people bring dogs with them on vacations? Don't answer that. They were all good, there were a lot of new dog toys for Christmas and that helps a lot for keeping many dogs occupied. And of course pine cones. I wish I could say I was training them the whole time and worked on Gustavo's contacts and stays but really I didn't do a damn thing except throw things for them and have them bring them back. And take them on some walks. Gustavo and my mom's dog didn't hit it off so well due to the fact that Gustavo steals dog toys and she is an only dog. Some scuffles there. Go take a nap. Luckily all dogs prooved toddler proof, even when being leaped on with full force by a 35 lb kid onto a 12 lb dog. No one broke any bones. No stitches had to be sewn. Timmy survived all chasing. We are not sure why the only blind and deaf dog that can't run or chase a ball is the favorite kid dog but he is. Good dog Timmy. You certainly have the most fur!

No one bit our new friend, Romeo Tango, the guy from the rest stop. Here is where 4 dogs really come in handy. Because we just could not give Romeo Tango a ride anywhere. Sorry Romeo Tango! Sorry you are crazy and stuck at that rest stop with the flat bed truck. Even though you are an airplane mechanic and play bass in a rock band. Good luck with that! Sorry there are too many dogs in our car for you to come too! That is the same rest stop I once met a count or a duke or something with a fancy race car who wanted me to come back to his villa in Carmel with him.

Now if only I didn't have to go to work and was still on vacation. Now THAT would be a good vacation.

Well, I know. But I've been really busy. See, there's this big hill, and a toddler, and all these dogs. And all these pinecones. So pretty much, a lot of the day is spent throwing pinecones down the hill for dogs to chase. Then, you have to walk down the hill at some point, and throw them back up the hill. So the dogs, and the toddler spend equal time running up and down. For maximum exhaustion of all parties. So that Christmas wrapping paper isn't eaten. Or Christmas stuffed dolls that ride Christmas trains aren't eaten. Not that both haven't occurred. More than once. Someone at a measuring cup. And one diaper. And, most importantly, so toddler meltdowns don't happen. Because it is a 2 year old. But really, everyone has been on pretty stellar behavior. Ice cream and tennis balls are powerful motivators.

Other than that, you know, trips through the perfect sunny, clear weather to the grocery store. Walking the dogs near the sea. Pinecones. Life is pretty rough down here. Are we training any contacts? Um, no. Stays? Maybe a few. Toddlers how to throw pinecones and climb on the wall? Oops. Timmy is the preferred dog of choice, please try not to CHASE HIM! Good dog Timmy. We're coming back tomorow.

The Ruby slippers all make sense now.

Here you go. Something nice to do. Go to see the Broadway Musical Wicked! With many people in red holiday sweaters and dresses with beads on them at the swanky deco theater on Hollywood Blvd, the Pantages! Leave a pack of howling dogs loaded up with tennis after tiring them out on the Long Beach Dog Beach (inside the cones only!) with the relatives and off you go!

Having a penchant for Broadway Musicals, it is of course possible this play is dorky? I don't know. My taste is questionable at best. In some circles, the breaking into song and dance numbers at every twist and turn of life is considered wrong. i find it super however! And lots of lighting and costumes and flying actors in monkey suits with wings. The songs, maybe not so much. Many songs of sort of a Celine Dion-y kind of vibe to them with little dances but we don't mind that due to the pagentry of it all. Also the idea, so FABULOUS! Think Legally Blonde meets PETA meets government coverup story meets Wizard of Oz. RIGHT??? Who woulda thunk it?

The Wicked Witch of the West and Glinda the good are in college together (big song and dance!), boyfriend issues at the party (big song and dance!), PETA type saving of the animals (big song and dance!), the evil Governor (big song and dance!), the heiress (big song and dance!), the whole Wizard Ease on Down the Road business (big song and dance!)...

Then before you know it, the whole Wizard of Oz story makes perfect sense without having to actually deal with any Wizard of Oz crap, happy ending and then you try to find something good to eat in West Hollywood at 10pm on a Sunday night that isn't Pinks Hot Dogs or some Entourage featured cool kid club. How much do we love LA? Thanks actors and set designers and producers! I am sorry I made wicked fun of you all in high school when you were in the band and doing your little plays and I was smoking a cigarette outside and scowling at you! And now you even know where the good margartias are in West Hollywood at 10pm on Sunday night and I don't.

They are closing down the rest stops?

If you were one of my dogs, you would have had a really bad day yesterday, staying locked up in the icey cold for a boring work day, then sitting locked up in the car for many hours because right after icey cold work all day, you are taken hostage for a car ride to LA. Which, it turns out, is what EVERYONE else wants to do-take hostages for car rides to LA, all leaving at 3pm from Watsonville too! Like we all called eachother and said, let's all leave NOW! And the road is a parking lot until it is dark on I-5 and finally the rest of the drones take their hostages to motels I guess, leaving us our own road so we can be in Los Angeles by late night time. If you were one of my dogs, you would have thought you were on some kind of crack pot religious pilgrimage evacuation, with one not fun stop at a parking lot crowded parking lot of McDonald's to walk around and pee on a dead shrub and eat some food then get locked back up with a hefty bag of presents and driven around some more. The torture of it all.

But then finding it's worth it to be in LA where it is sunny and clear and there is a backyard and tennis balls EVERYWHERE and Christmas decoration stuffed things eveywhere to kill. Now that's what Christmas is all about.

Be Nice, Don't Bite, and it's Christmas

Need I say more?

Fond Christmas fondness.

I can be pretty scroogey around Christmas time, the whole shopping blitz thing gets to me and makes me crazy and retreat back into the cultural consumption turning into garbage endless loop mind frenzy and unequal distribution of the weatlth and bummer, man. But all The Secret and not complaining, let's look on the half full margarita glass side and find the ho ho ho part of the holidays.

Skinny Santa was waving at cars from the front of a realty building on a busy street the other night. He was tall and thin Santa, and I guess advertising a realty, and maybe it's because I don't get out much, but I just don't think I've seen many Santa's doing stuff like this. At least he wasn't doing a jig holding a giant spinning arrow directing us to view model condos.

Christmas music 24/7. If you want to hear Christmas music, you can hear Christmas music! I personally love Christmas music at all times. It lives in my ipod and I have no problems listening to Christmas music along with Johnny Cash or the Vaselines any time of year. Viva la White Christmas in the Safeway, thanks Bing Crosby!

A vacation! I am taking off 3 whole days of work and going to visit my family in Los Angeles. I love my family and they love dogs and I love Los Angeles and hardly ever get to go anywhere except for places 2 hours away that are having a dog agility trial that I can drive to on Sunday mornings at 5am. Santa Rosa last weekend for 2 whole days was HUGE. So we are having a nice road trip with 4 dogs for a few days of fun! Even blind as bat Timmy will have fun on vacation!

Adopt a Family. The barn did this. We adopted a family and got them a Christmas. It's a little drop in a big bucket, but at least one family on bad times will get some stuff they need, and all wrapped up and hopefully have an ok day when I am thinking a lot of their days are not very ok.

Somehow got to squeeze in some dog training to all this. Besides running the Goose thru the channel weaves on our way down to the car. Remember when I was all optimistic, getting the Christmas lights up? The decorations out? I was going to even take you some photos. Um. Didn't even get them out of the garage. Not a one. We have not one Christmas decor item up to show. No tree. Nothing. Ho Ho Ho. Now I gotta get to Target before I get to work. Just repeat after me. Ho Ho Ho. Santa, spin that sign, baby.

It's all about the points.

OK. So I LOVE Snookers and Gamblers, because you can use your cunning and shrewd skills of strategy (not that these are things that I posess exactly, but I like to imagine I am cunning and shrewd just like I like to imagine I can sing Nirvana songs like a beautiful angel) to come up with point laden courses to Win With. And in the USDAA, you gotta get good at winning the Snookers so you can get your Super Q. Which sounds like something you could also get at Dairy Queen. But you can't. Only in Masters Snookers. If you win or come in close to the winner. And the winner is going to have A LOT of points.

Like you are figuring out, now that you all love learning Dog Agility Rules, in Snookers, you have a sequence out there, labeled with numbers 2-7. You want to be able to finish with this, thus getting the points 2+3+4+5+6+7. But you also want to do your opening sequence, which is 3-4 "red" jumps worth 1 point each, followed by something from that closing sequence. When you are a big fat point hog like me, you want to make sure to get all 4 reds and ideally, (4) 7 point things as well. But, the snarky hook is that the 7 point things are usually far, far away from red jumps, and you only have so many seconds to do this in before the whistle blows and you better be at the finish line.

So you gotta go out there and figure out, what is the fastest way from point A to point B, getting your points, not making too much of a crack head insane course that freaks out your dog, and still getting thru that closing. Before your time is all done. The super fast border collies can do some pretty crazy Snookers courses. My dogs, not so much. They're fast, but only so fast with their tiny little legs! And I try not to do the poles with Ruby in them. Poles are FREQUENTLY the 7 point obstacle. In the run from the video yesterday, the poles and tunnel combined were the 7 point obstacle, so you had to do both. So Ruby did (1) 7 point, (1) 5 point-that was the first tunnel at the beginning, and (2) 6 point things-that was those 2 jumps in a row. If you watch the video, knowing these rules, it all makes sense, right?. Otterpop, who didn't get videoed was able to do (2) 7 points, (1) 5 point and (1) 6 point, since she doesn't have the poles thing.

Wow, ready for more rules? Did you even know you ever wanted to know so many dog agility rules? If you knock over a red jump, you have to go to a new one before you do a thing with more points. If you are out of fresh red jumps, go on to the closing, sorry about the points! And if you mess up in the closing, run to the finish. If you mess up the beginning, run to the finish. Hope you got as many points as you were dreaming about. And I hope in your dream you were also wearing leather pants and Johnny Depp was there in the eyeliner but not the pirate hair and he had a kelpie. You know, dream big.

Do chows like agility?

What can you do with dogs in the rain?

I know there are some people, I read this, that bring their agility stuff in the house. I love reading articles that start out, "I just brought 6 weave poles into my kitchen, and every time I am whipping up nine thousand batches of cupcakes with hand drawn portraits in powdered sugar on each one, I just send my puppy through the poles. Worked great!"

So there are like the Martha Stewards of cooking and phage, and the Martha Stewarts of dog agility. I am neither. I have tried. Sort of. I have wished. But I am no Martha. I sure like the design of her magazine though. We like to look at the pictures. Thanks Martha!

I think it's sort of an overachiever thing. Like, obviously, the Martha people are overachievers. You've seen their Christmas snowflakes. You know who you are. Some of you are my friends. You still love me even though I am sloppy. I know there are a lot of agility overachievers. This last weekend, people were talking about how they are training their puppies. I am hearing how people have their puppies already discriminating scent articles! (My puppy chews on pens!) Their puppy can be on a down stay while 2 border collies are having a frenzied tug game. (My puppy is outside with his head in a hole he dug barking at squirrels under the grass!) Their puppy can speak 3 languages already! (My puppy may not even be a puppy, he is an untrained adult dog!).

I have never been known to be an overachiever. I'm always busy, and I work real hard, but I am also sort of a slacker at heart. Remember the movie Slacker? Some of my friends are in that. Really. I have so many things to do and I have focus issues. I need to work on my website! I need to draw some pictures! I need to take some pictures! I need to clip the horse! I need to sew a purse! I need to rip open my roof! I need to buy a ranch! I need to do all of these things at the exact same time! And then my wheels spin. Somehow the bathroom gets remodeled and the dog gets trained but maybe they don't happen as good as the Martha's. Martha Stewart, you have a nicer bathroom than me! That's just how life is. So I shouldn't complain when I am not the USDAA Rockstar Champion. Perhaps the term is Quirky. I am the USDAA Quirky One with Somewhat Unfocused Dogs.

But look, there's Gustavo on his contact trainer, which takes up much of the backyard. That was his idea to get up there. And we did do some targets in the rain! The weave poles are under a tarp, so didn't do those. I'm sure not bringing them in the house. I did a load of laundry. I figured out how to make crummy little videos. So I have hope. Don't write me off yet.

Some nice things to do when you're a bad dog.

OK. So when you go out and leave 4 dogs together in a tiny little house, what do you expect they do?

Well, one of them is Timmy. I am thinking he sleeps. He is pretty hard to wake up, and he can't hear anything anyways. Or see much. So he likes sleeping. The other 3 they are used to sleeping much of the day at work. Don't they want to sleep away the day too?

Or perhaps eat a table full of bills. And one pantone color swatch book. The bills included the itemized statement for my tooth. Remember when I used to not have a front tooth and I looked like a pirate crack head? Now I have a real nice genuine fake tooth. But I will be paying for it for a long time. Except Gustavo ate the proof. What kind of dog eats bills? From on top of the kitchen table?

Or perhaps it would be a nice thing to run through the house, askewing rugs and pillows and chairs and blankets. This is a popular activity when confined to the indoors, actually it is happening right now. The running, but not the mayhem of decor items. What do they DO that makes the interior decorating look like long arm knuckle swinging apes were waltzing around all drunk in my house? Is that bad dog training? Should I have them all on down stays instead of screeching around the kitchen with earless stuffed squirrels in their mouths? It is good exercise, even if it seems sort of mayhemmy. I haven't really asked any real dog trainers if they let their dogs do this. It wouldn't work with 3 border collies I guess. Maybe if you had a real big house. It's sort of proportional? If it's wet outside, then they are too muddy so tearing around outside just makes it worse. And the hole digging in the mud is just no good.

It's not like I don't provide them with items and nice things to do. Including the popular Squirrel Hut. Squirrel Hut is so popular it can even cause short faux dog fights. It is a stump with tiny squirrels that go in the stump windows. Put squirrels in, take them out. Squeak squirrels, eat squirrel hut. I rarely actually buy a dog toy (here, play with this nice stick!) but then I saw Squirrel Hut. Squirrel Hut was so popular for a couple weeks that no contraband was eaten in my house. And for some magic reason, it's made in China-ness seems to have constructed it from non destroyable fabrics! Stumps! Squirrels! Now I think Squirrel Hut's fun has worn off. The thrill is gone. Now the fun has switched to climbing on the table where the bills are. Gustavo, I am one HUNDRED PERCENT sure it was you who ate the dentist statement.

The cat can cause hours of fun. It usually won't come in the house but sometimes I try to train it to enjoy life as a house cat for like 5 minutes and it becomes the big fat dog toy too. it is big, it can hold it's own, it was born in a garbage dump. It kicks neighbor cat ass. It is mayhem though if everyone wants to get the cat. And causes loud dog noise.

The noise can continue if I leave 3 dogs alone together in a tiny little house. To take Timmy on his own, nice slow walk. I've heard it. I can't say that it's barking. It starts off with Otterpop making this weird yelling Noise. Then Ruby starts in with, hmm, maybe a shrieking, chirping, high pitched howing type sound. Then there is screeching banshee howling lately since they taught this trick to Gustavo. Ha, but I can out trick them. I just wait in the driveway til it gets good and loud then yell at the house STOP IT NOW and it stops.

God my neighbors must think I'm insane. Neighbors, I bought them squirrel hut! I don't always hide in the driveway, yelling! I give them sticks and bones! Do you like the dog agility items starting to stack up in the driveway (thanks for the contact trainer Sue!) and seeing me running around with a dog hanging onto a piece of braided up fleece scraps by his teeth? Flicking cheese chunks at him while clicking targets? Hi Neighbors! I'm trying to rebrand a whole entire sport here! Come on over!

This is kind of boring unless you like dog agility.

So here's how this whole team thing works, at a team tournament. You might not want to read all this. It involves math. A lot of it. They use computers to track it all and it's sort of like magic. But come on now. If dog agility is going to be the new black, it is fun and it is cool, you are going to want to someday be on a USDAA DAM Team.

You and your dog are on a team with 2 other sets of dogs and handlers. You make up a funny name. Or in Ruby's case, because she's in performance so she can jump lower, you have just one other teammate. Some people make t-shirts with dog pictures on them. You know how I feel about those. I have some plans for future team outfits and they involve Santino and tennis skirts and no dog t-shirts.

There are 5 team classes that you have to compete in and get points based on time and faults only. But, if you go off course at all, you are eliminated and lose half your points. In classes that use points instead of faults, like snookers and gamblers, it helps to have a small fast dog because the small dogs get some extra seconds allowed to level the playing field. The rules are all a little bit tweaked from how normal classes run. The final event is worth the most points-it's a 3 dog relay race and if you go off course in there and get eliminated, you lose ALL the points from everyone on your team for that event.

I am not sure how they calculate this, but it involves excel spread sheets and an adding machine and everyone that does accounting has to run the score table for team events. And never leave. They are kept chained to the score table and fed candy. It is all about the numbers. For those less numerically inclined, then it's all about going really fast, trying to stay clean and not letting an off course happen.

Ruby got an off course in her first class of the day-Standard. Which she never does, except for when she's on a team apparently. It was just a dumb thing, she backjumped something because I got into a wrong spot for an instant and I couldn't stop it. The rest of her run was great, but it put her team low in points at the beginning. But she worked hard (pretty hard, let's not talk about the slow weave poles or the uninspired jumpers run though) and got a lot of points back in her other runs. Then, when her team mate went off course in the final relay race, any hope of moving up to just barely get the team Q was squashed. Ruby's teammate felt bad, but the pressure was off of her since Ruby had gotten the first E and we were pretty much squarely in the middle of the pack, so maybe we could have moved up and gotten the Q but maybe not.

So you not only feel real bad because you screwed up if you go off course, you also screw up someone else.

Otterpop's team was solidly in there when one of her team mates went off course in the final relay race. There's a lot of stress around that relay race-everyone is watching, secretly hoping the top teams go off course so their teams move up to win a Medal! And the team Q. And the course is purposely designed to make it very, very easy to go off course. Tricky. Her teammate just looked like she wanted to barf and crawl into a hole because she's been trying for a while to get that team Q and things always happen, and it seemed like that last elimination was putting our whole team out of the running. She went home. But we had enough points we still got it.

But I never wanted to beat her up or anything. It could just have easily been Otterpop doing something wrong out there and messing up. That's just how I saw it. Ruby, I was a little more surprised about but they are damn dogs. They do stuff like that. You have to train them better and they do less stuff like that. It's just how it goes. Here's a little motto. Train-Don't Complain. People have it on t-shirts. Usually that also feature a dog cartoon. In size XL. No matter what size the t-shirt wearer is. But if you are going to do dog agility, you sort of have to listen to that if you want to win. So we have a lot to work on.

This is a report from the Big Dog Show.

OK. Let's cut to the chase. Big dog show. USDAA DAM Team and Tournaments in Santa Rosa. Otterpop got the elusive Team Q! Ruby did not although she worked hard for it, winning Team Snookers and getting a 2nd in Team Gamblers. But her rocky start with a small but lethal mistake in Saturday's Team Standard put her team behind, and even though the subsequent wins helped get their points up, a very lethal mistake by her teammate put them out of the running in the Oh so important for points Team Relay Race. It happens! But Ruby did get a 3rd in the Steeplechase first round, had a fairly slow 2nd round but still got a 5th overall, and something in the Grand Prix. I think a 4th.

Otterpop was a champ! She made small errors here and there, and so did her team mate dogs named Sizzle and Tag, but nothing drastic enough to cost them the hard to get Q. The only thing that made me irritated but also was equally funny was when she stopped in the corner of the ring, during the Grand Prix, that was right next to a hamburger stand. Just stopped running, put her nose in the air, and started sleepwalk following the scent of frying burgers towards the hamburger stand. On her tiptoes. Following her nose. It was like straight out of a dog cartoon except it was happening during the Grand Prix. Where you should be running really, really fast. Everyone was laughing. I just yelled at her and she popped back into gear. It cost us some time, but she still came in 4th. She did a similar cartoon sleepwalking dog thing for some people eating french fries outside the ring during her Steeplechase which also cost her enough time to not make it to the finals. So we had a little junk food issue but that was about it.

Ruby had slow weave poles. They started great and got slower and more pathetic as the weekend went on, costing her time and possible wins in other classes. I don't know what to do about this and it is a weird problem to fix. Because on Saturday morning they were fast, and by the afternoon they are slow. Steeplechase finals had 2 sets of weave poles. 2 times to be slow on otherwise fast runs, costing a lot of seconds. I think her time was 10 seconds slower than the winning time. Grand Prix. Slow weave poles. This makes me want to cry. I guess there are a lot worse things to cry about. Like it is not global warming here. But still. We want to be rockstars of dog agility and instead, we are just sort of plain. I hate to be plain.

So all in all, it was actually very fun and lots of good runs and lots of thing to work on too. Rubyweavepoles. Otterpophamburger. No mean people there the whole time! Christmas music! Wine drinking in a motorhome! Starbucks within 1 mile of Motel 6! No traffic! Two whole days of a dog show! No rain! I learned what it felt like to make a mistake and be shamed with an Elimination. Shameful and horrible. A lesson to use somewhere in life. Thanks dog agility!

Hello Timmy!

Say hello to Timmy this weekend if you see him. And Gustavo. They are both staying home together with Gary. Good luck Gary! Just me and the damn masters going on the sort of vacation to the cold Santa Rosa Fairgrounds with a Saturday night retreat at Motel 6. A life of glamour, is upon us. Fairgrounds. Motel 6. Dirt. 4am. Who woulda ever thunk it?

Project Runaround.

So is it just me, or is Project Runway sort of sad this time around?

Like it is more about being on Project Runway, then just being on Project Runway.

Even the entertaining ones are just really, not that entertaining. And while I was happy that Chris got to come back, and it was sad Jack had to leave (not a surprise because he leaked this to the press like weeks ago so everyone knew this was happening) I was still sort of like, left, unsatisfied. Like when you split the piece of ho ho cake instead of getting your own piece. It's good, but it could be a lot better. Because I have had my own piece of ho ho cake on more than one occasion and I KNOW how good it is.

And the thing of Steve going, who did make a super ugly dress for sure, is he was very witty and sort of was the main witty guy actually. Who is going to be witty now? Chris will be voted off soon. Christian is not exatly witty, just humorous and interesting and his hair is witty. Ricky just cries. Sweet P can jump like a monkey and she is sweet but to be witty you need to have that somewhat evil streak. Jillian and Victoria are just mean and humorless. They will grow up to become Nina. Rami is very serious. They're all just serious which means the producers will have weird challenges I bet to get them all a twitter fight. Not going to be good.

I am trying to approach training Gustavo as if we have been asked to compete on Project Runaround. So I am trying to do a serious and good job, yet also be fun and witty and get a lot of camera time. Yesterdays challenge started with "leave its" because we started training out with 3 big barking dogs running up and down the other side of the fence, as if screaming, "You are letting her make you a sissy boy Gustavo and should come out here and let us kick your ass and become a barking ranch dog!" At the exact spot I had planned to start with, my little organized sissy jump chute with a tunnel on one end and a chute barrel on the other. But, Tim Gunn was there and he said "Make it work," so we worked on clicking leave its and stays, something I haven't ever really done with him because he is a good dog. And I had been thinking, something my other dogs had done a lot of and really did build trememdous focus from them because they both had issues. Otterpop spent many a day walking around random guys in parks doing leave its. Ruby spent years doing it with other dogs everywhere. So that was one turn. And boy, those dogs have learned to leave it and stay. And they're no sissies.

Then we did contacts for his next turn. He has to sit and watch the other dogs have very fun turns of practicing real agility things, not the training wheels. Tricycle wheels. That gets him amped up. So we did contacts to build focus next. He is getting good at those, we just worked on the dogwalk and he is running down from the top now. Nice and fast and solid each time! Clicking and treating, then a fast run out to a toy which he likes to grab and then just tug with, not a fetcher. I really, really, really don't want to get voted off yet. The contacts could be our saving grace right now.

Next turn, runs up the full size teeter into his down. I've been alternating with him tipping it himself on the tables, or just running to the top where he gets to eat a piece of Trader Joe's string cheese all the way down, real, real, slow. That was today's. The only problem of this is that he loves doing this, and I have to really watch him that he doesn't run up when he's on a loony toones run around the field moment, tip it himself on full height and get scared. Which he did a couple weeks ago and I can tell has changed his relationship with it some. He is tiny! That thing is huge!

After each turn, besides just playing and tugging we do some jumps with runs to tug or front crosses or I send him over after a toy. So he thinks fast jumps are part of playing. Sometimes he gets too focused on the toy and misses at the jump. Susan Garrett saw this and I saw her shake her head and tell me to go get her DVD about foundation jumping. Augh.

So when it was his turn down the runway, we didn't get voted off yesterday but we weren't in the top group either. Our scores were high enough to avoid elimination was all we got. So at least we're still in there but we need to get better to win the next challenge. I have to remember the next challenge may be with Susan Garret and Rob and Nancy Gyes as judges and so I better keep doing better training and not complaining my dog is retarded. Project Runaround is hard for a slacker type like me.

It is sort of like a vacation, but in a bad way.

This weekend, we are going to Santa Rosa. We have to be there about 7am on Saturday morning. Which means, we get to leave my house in the dark at 4:30am on Saturday morning! And that night, we are staying at Motel 6 in Santa Rosa! This is going to be one swell weekend!

Why? Of course it's for a dog show. Why else do we venture further than Watsonville ever? Why do people give me weird looks when I tell them about these dog shows? You are giving me one right now. I see it. I see that chuckle and shake of your head and I know exactly what it means. That Laura. She is so wacky about these dog shows. Except for yours, dog agility person. You are nodding your head, thinking, yes, at least she doesn't have to drive all night and it's not in LA. Or Santa Barbara. Or Arizona. Santa Rosa? That's nuthin.

And, take THAT dog agility friend, mine is in a covered arena! So just in case it is raining, it will be dry and icey cold at my dog show. With floating dirt particles in the air and nowhere for a dog to stretch out in the sun or the grass.

This one is special, it's for Tournaments and DAM teams only. DAM team stands for dog agility masters. That would be Otterpop and Ruby, damn masters of agility. They are on teams, and if they screw up, their team members will come after me with sharp stakes and rakes and possibly kill me. Can you give my dogs a ride home if I'm dead? If we win, they possibly we will have our Team Q, which is a requirement to get the ADCh. If we got enough points. Yes, I am getting up at 4am to drive to a freezing cold covered arena for 2 days, canceling a day at work, to possibly get a requirement that helps me earn some letters!

You know how much I like to get paid to do stuff. Everyone assumes I must be getting paid to do this. Ah, I see you dog agility person, nodding your head and chuckling, that would be nice but it is a funny joke! Instead of paying so much money, someone would pay me some money. That is a funny joke to laugh at! I know, non dog agility person right now, you are scratching your head thinking, but Laura likes to get paid the money to buy things like ranches! Perhaps, just last night, she had to stay up late graphic designing something really, really stupid because someone said they would pay her some money! She has to ride those horses and teach those girls to ride 'em to get some money. But she pays money to show the dogs? What about when she won the big Steeplechase?

That's what I'm saying. Enough of that.

The results are in-he may not be a dog!

So I got a call today from the dog dna testers. Remember them? An agility lady I know works in the DNA of dog field and she tested him to see if he is indeed, a shrunken border collie. Because everyone thought, wow-the first teensy tiny mini collie-let's find out. I was happy to oblige and get him a free DNA test.

What they called about, was that, um, he doesn't have ANY DNA that matches any of their 38 breeds of dog that they have genomes for. Which includes border collies, chihuahuas, shelties, and 35 more. If he even had ANY DNA of any of these dogs, something would come up. But he has NONE. They retested him multiple times. And retested him again. He stumped the DNA people.

Leslie told me from the beginning, sometimes they'll come up as something weird, St. Bernard/Poodle, there's that gene somewhere way back in the ancestory and that's all they can pull. Even though, clearly your dog is not a St. Bernard or a Poodle. They don't have many terriers in there, and he shows many signs to have a bunch of terrier in there. Right now, he is outside digging holes where there used to be plants to stick his head in and bark at underground gophers. But Gustavo came up, None of the Above. I still need to find out from Leslie, um, is this sort of weird or does it happen all the time in the world of dog DNA?

Like, is he even a dog? The other dogs, you can look at and say, Oh, Timmy, he is a pomeranian. Sort of. We KNOW Ruby is a damn terrier. Otterpop looks like a chihiuahua and a cattle dog and acts like a terrorist cattle dog. People like to do that with their mutts. But everyone that looks at Gustavo says, after scratching their heads, hmmm. I've given up. He's just a damn small dog. I am pretty sure he is indeed, a dog.

DNA or not, I've been scratching my own little apple head trying to unlock his learning key. He's different from any dog I've ever worked with. Which isn't super many, so there's probably lots of other dogs out there somewhere like him. Sometimes he's a little smarty pants, front of the class. Sometimes, we think he is a teensy bit retarded. Sometimes he wants to learn and go fast, sometimes he likes a leaf. He's more unpredictable than anyone else I've trained. He seems to forget things randomly, after he seemd to have gotten them. He changes rules up. All of a sudden one day with him, there is no Sit. His lightbulb doesn't flash on so lickety split like most dogs I've trained. It does go on, but I just have to work a little bit harder with him. Very NOT border collie.

In fact today when we practiced, I went on the maybe he is a little retarded theory and let's make it soooo clear. Clicker everything. Pretend I am training a chicken. Remove emotion when teaching new skills. Bring it back in for fast running and tugging. Use the flawless mechanics. It worked good today, but being unpredictable, maybe it won't tomorow. Like he could be sort of agility savant? Rainman? He's not anti-social, exactly the opposite. He just learns kinda slower than any of my other dogs. One cerveza short of seis. But solamente uno. Lots and lots and lots of repeating the question please. Do it again and again and you get it. I think he is the one that's going to make me actually have to be on heckuva dog trainer. You can't just throw the frisbee with this one. Thanks Gustavo!

This is sort of like a really long haiku.

It must be the Christmas spirit which makes me decide to write a nice poem!

hello little homeless man, sitting in the middle of the field, strumming your guitar. i know you sleep out here, in the willows, and eat things you throw out for my dogs to enjoy the next morning. how tiny and short you look, as if you have no legs, like a fluffy beard plant, calmly sitting in the field and the dogs are running at you. and as if by magic, otterpop does not stop and consider attacking you but goes on to get the giant branch that she considers a stick and ruby and gustavo continue racing as if possessed by razor sharp bees stinging them a lot.

hello, weird poodle lady, who always is frantic and has a new, short poodle which is puppy and which gustavo would like to frolick with for many hours. why are you chasing me and calling, "excuse me! excuse me!" over and over? now why do you have to explain to me that your tiny little poodle puppy will not hurt gustavo? and my only answer can be, in my ranch lady voice "lady, he is a little ass kicking dog and i think he'll be ok." as if i am sheriff tommy lee jones of the field and i am sitting in the diner, eating some pie. then she is chasing after me again, "excuse me! excuse me!" and wants to know, if the poodle gets near enough to me, can i grab it's collar because he is having so much fun he will not come to her when it is time to go. i believe i roll my eyes and wish for a moment to be cartman from south park and snatch up that curly little poodle.

hello christmas spirit family, why are you taking your baby's photo, in a goddamn sparkly baby headband, on a red blanket, in the middle of where the big and wet dogs are pummeling each other on the beach? nice lady in red sweater and black slacks. and the man in a red flannel checked shirt. I can't even watch to see what happens there. please, please, please, otterpop and ruby and gustavo do not run over and leap on the baby. all the labs are damp and sandy and weigh over 60lbs and the baby is just sitting there, on that blanket.

hello all the people that maybe now think i am retarded or mean or from another country, because when you ask me a question such as, "are those all your dogs?" the best answer i can think of to say today is just pretending my lips have been sealed shut with epoxy and i will give you an enigmatic smile ala madonna as evita and march along into the sunset.

Um, does this get any culture points?

This Santa currently unmarred by dog attack. We'll see how long he makes it.

Yesterday I had a dog lesson with Jim. Jim is Mr. Power Paws. He lives on 10 acres in the hills above San Jose with his wife Nancy and they are kind of like the head honchos of all things agility. They are like the agility equivalent of Posh Spice and David Beckham! Madonna and Guy Ritchie! I take lessons with Jim every time I get a chance. Not only does he help me get better, but he shares my love of tractors and llamas and ranches, and frequently we talk about ranch stuff to the point of I forget my course because of chattiness of us all. Usually I tell Jim what we need to practice. A lot of the time it's distance stuff. Yesterday was basic tuneup day, Ruby bar knocking, Otterpop hard weave entries, stuff like that. Jim is my best teacher because he has helped me figure out a personal handling system that works for me. And yesterday he told me I have turned into a good handler. How long has that taken? A long time! The dogs were good, I didn't screw up much, and I am a good handler now. Thanks Jim! That's the best agility way to start a day.

Also it was a sunny day. And there was no traffic on the way home. Huge plusses any time.

And then, instead of plastering or painting (I will pay for this today and all other days after with my unfinished construction albatross stink birds hanging over my head) I bought like 2 Christmas presents, but also it was the antique fair downtown! This meant things I NEED! I needed yet another scarey santa doll (but this one has WHITE boots, I forgot I also collect these) and a book about ghost towns and also a new hat. I am one bad, bad, bad Christmas shopper. And new sunglasses so now people won't stare at my messed up eye! And then my friend Janet was having a studio sale, and I also needed a slab of wood she had screenprinted with a horse head and also a thrift store polo shirt she screenprinted with snakes and a horse head and Johnny Cash. I had been thinking of polo shirts for a while now in my head and then Janet has one right there. So much for the Christmas shopping. So much for the plastering and painting. Hello all the new things I needed! Thank you the consumer gluttony of the holiday season getting to my brain! Welcome back to cultural consumption as opposed to production. Can a blog count as cultural production?

AND THEN it was still sunny and then it was low tide and 3 of the dogs got to run for an hour chasing balls and seaweeds and no one barked at any guys in flippers or stole any tennis balls and they were so tired by the time I got them back that no one complained if I took Timmy on his very own walk, just me and him. Sometimes it's nice to have really one heckuva good day.

Help me Joe Strummer!

I am thinking here, I miss you, Jeff Spicoli.

OK. We went to the movies again! To see Into the Wild. Sean Penn, Sean Penn. You were Jeff Spicoli. You were married to Madonna. You were in some other movies that were good, but I can't remember now what they were. You hate George Bush and do nice things for people in Iran and probably do not beat people up anymore. Then you decided to make this movie.

I read the book. A long time ago. I remember thinking, that guy in the book sounds a little spoiled and clueless. Too bad he died. I am not too sad about it though. Great writer you are John Kraukauer!

I had this sinking feeling from the very beginning. You know how I am about typography and there is no excuse EVER for poor film titles. Yet here were the worse, green and yellow like BP gas station, badly done film titles I think I can ever remember seeing. And then the song started, and ok. The movie is set in the early '90's. But who is singing and then KEEPS singing during the movie at the most random, cloud swirling shot on the top of a mountain times? Eddie Vedder. Sean Penn, Sean Penn. Get your head out of your ass.

Luckily, I went with Gary who is not a walk out of bad movies person like I am, and he drove, so I did stay til the end and it did get better. I did not fall asleep, although I was very bored. Perhaps that icey cold coke I drank during the first half hour helped. Thanks Coca Cola! Thanks Hal Holbrook and Vince Vaughn super co-stars and the desert! And one small dog towards the end and some bloody taxidermy. But every time it would get better for a few minutes, and I would think, I am a bad person, I do not deserve to ever go to Salvation Mountain, I must feel some love for this teen idol with the very, very pretty teeth, and then as if by magic from god, it would be a terrible movie again and I blame Sean Penn for this.

There was so much swirling of the camera at clouds and standing on mountains and that kind of thing. Too much of those teeth. And then some more mountains. And I believe he once frolicked with hazy horses in a pasture! With no shirt! And then swirling mountain cloud cam and the sun breaking through and I would start twitching again until it was perhaps Hal Holbrook in a bronco doing leather tooling in his garage but then, the voice over would start again and the twitching would ensue, and then for a moment, Salvation Mountain! Why have I never been to this holy place in Niland, CA? And then the clouds and hazy sun breaking through. You get the idea. I felt jerked around between the terrible and the really pretty cool. But it was about 4 pretty cool and 40 terrible.

We meant to go see the documentary about Joe Strummer but it started at 11pm. Sean Penn, maybe it's not your fault. If I could have stayed awake to see the Joe Strummer movie, this whole bad Into the Wild experience could have been completely avoided. I am sure my dog lesson this morning with Jim will erase it all from my mind and it will still be a good day.

It is the season of the picky.

What's the team pulling?

Well, you mighta find out iffen yer on my Xmas card list. If you aren't, email me privately your postal address and get yer own official Team Small Dog card of Xmas, with a theme of Nice-ness this year. In the interest of Good Customer Service!

I keep thinking it might be time to get into some holiday spirit. We don't have room in our tiny house for a tree of Xmas. We did have a moment of Hanukah one night. I have some Xmas decorations in the garage, and some holiday lights. But it's that whole thing of, then first I'd have to clean the house. And I still need to plaster the office and finish the roof painting (hey square dancing roofer, you still have the gutters to FINISH!!!).

Tony across the street waits for me to do my lights then he does his because we have the Christmas light challenge! Although neither me nor Tony's lights are really all that impressive but it gets both of us putting up our lights. But I need to go out and have a chat with Tony re. global warming and what we should do about that this year? And then if I actually put up the Xmas decorations (my favorite is the sparkle pine cone with 4th of july flags and tiny little presents from an estate sale in a weird 70's house in Bernal Heights!) then there would have to be the Xmas shopping.

Which would involve selecting a gift for a husband who is a very, very, very picky person. The category of hobby, forgetta bout it. He has many bikes, of which he is very picky about each and every thing that involves bikes or bike outfit or bike accessory. The category of clothing or house, we have no more room in our house for an article of clothing or a house thing. Well, ok, unless it is a thing for Collections, of which we have deer, taxidermy, horse, forest animal, antler, small black dog, old guns made of wood, paint by number of any of the above or weird old paintings by insane people or mad aunties of any of the above, or pottery that holds plants in the shape of animals, or generic historical item that does not exactly fit any of the above. Then we have room for it. Do you see how easy it is to Xmas shop for ME, versus a picky, picky husband?

Usually he likes the gift of art. But this year I did not have time to make him a personal art. So any and all gift ideas for a picky, picky, husband are hugely appreciated. He doesn't read my blog. It scares him. So you can comment them to me since you all seem to be very, very quiet lately of the comments.

Project parka.

Sometimes, this is just what I look like.

OK. It just gets so sad sometimes, that it takes me a bit to get over it. Not my damp parka.

Last week Marion. This week Chris. When little crybaby face Ricky is still left standing.

Does it do this to me every season? There are always the ones I can't WAIT for to get the ax, like how much did you just want Vincent gone last season? And Daniel Franco made me barf. I wasn't sad to see Carmen's hair go last week. Although, that whole thing with mens' suits just seemed wrong and evil. But still. Goodbye Carmen's hair! I am sure you are nice ex model Carmen but Goodbye your hair!

I of course, blame it on Heidi. She said Marion's ugly fringe idea was dirty. Bitch. I KNOW Tim Gunn did not want them to make suits or use neon colors and fringe. Not when they had to face vicious talons of snarky Michael Kors and Donna Karan and that other one, Nina. I think I just love almost all the designers too much and I want them ALL to win. That might be some of my poor competitve spirit there. Can't we all just get along?

I had sort of liked Victoria up until this week. Even though Ricky was being completely lame, her attitude was poor and she is so not invited EVER to join Team Small Dog. Even with the fastest Jack Russell which she would probably train so well to beat the pants off of my dogs every time. Take that Victoria. Blackballed as of now. Even though she was the agility favorite with her arm strap holder dress. So not anymore.

I think Sweet P is the one who we could use for a team designer instead. Thanks Sweet P! Maybe you could work with Santino on some costumes once the season is all over, if you're not too busy. She's got to have a dog. She is not super skinny and is ok with things a little bit baggy. She jumped up and down like a monkey the time she got her mens pants to fit. She loves Elisa, yet is horrified by her. (By the way-Elisa, Karl did we know her from CalArts? Doesn't she seem familiar? Or was it just a lot of people somewhat like Elisa and I rolled them all into her?)

If Elisa was a dog, she would be Ruby. Otterpop would be Jillian. Actually, she might not be mean enough. But she seems closest to being the meanest one, Victoria is too anal to be an Otterpop. Although so is Jillian. Perhaps there is no Otterpop equivalent in Project Runway right now. Maybe Kit if she was all strung out on meth and had a pistol shooting rampage. That would work. Timmy would be Marion (come back Marion!) and Gustavo is clearly Christian but he would have to sew REALLY fast. I bet after Christian has a few cups of coffee, he is a dead ringer for Gustavo. You know. In case I ever needed team small dog to do a nice play called Project Runway as Interpreted by Team Small Dog. And I am not damn Heidi. That's for damn sure.

Can I drop them off at Curves?

Because we are really, really religious. A happy Hanukah to our Jewish friends!

See, the real dog people, they have things like the dog treadmills or they make sure their dogs get at least 2 hours of hard running in mountains daily with one all day mountain hike per week. They have training journals with copious notes.

I feel like most of the time, I am all about exercise. Who wants a fat ass? Or chubby dog? Everyone gets a walk twice a day. Timmy's walk, very creepingly slow. The small dogs are supposed to have a hard run twice a day. For conditioning and my sanity of 3 fast small dogs bouncing off the walls in my tiny house. But a lot of days, I get home from the barn (where the small dogs sat in a pen all day) and it is dark and 7o'clock and freezing and I am lazy and starving and there is no place to run em in the pitch black. So I need to leash em up and walk fast, albeit on the beautiful West Cliff Drive ocean path, for 3ish miles. Fast brisk exercise walking. Makes us all skinny and healthy and did I mention the skinny.

So some days, not so much. Twice a week, we go to a genuine agility field and practice mad skillz. Gustavo learns his teeter and I set up drills for the good dogs. But man, we have to be in SHAPE, man. And that means the jogging or fast walking for miles and it is a hard thing to do on a cold night. In the pitch black, near the cliffs, past the meth dealers and thinking thoughts like, what if a small dog tumbled to their horrible death in the pounding sea? All dark and brooding and Captain Ahab.

In the mornings, we have multiple walks including the barely shuffling for one block for Timmy and fast for some kind of far distance, ideally on a long beach, for the rest of the team. I am like the freaky dog nazi in the park (this is illegal now, walking around in the park) of not hanging out to chit chat about things dog with other walkers but storming robotron fast all around it while my dogs dash around it, either running on top of homeless campers or frolicking or carrying large tree branches in their mean little Otterpop mouths. Making comments like, when the cell phone talking, sharpei walking lady, explains of her dog, who lay crouched and tensed before springing and launching itself badly but not using teeth, "She likes to do that!" for a moment with her cell phone talker still on the other end, my comment like "watch-your-dog" from my mean dog nazi all slitty eye glareful at her lameness. I was not volatile, since I didn't have Timmy with me and the rest of them can fend for themselves, within reason. Smallish sharpei, mean or not, within reason.

I digress. Yeah, so basically, I didn't walk the dogs last night. Can I use a Jewish holiday as an excuse when I'm actually Catholic, pretty much? Our whole celebration was to light some candles, and not use the oven so as no more smoke filled house, and just go about the evening. Will I want to kick myself in 2 weeks when we're at the big dog show in Santa Rosa and we all feel sluggo and unconditioned? Where's the damn See's candy? Do you see some of the reasons I am not voted America's Next Top Agility Handler? Is it blaspheme to mix a Jewish religious holiday with tales of dog conditioning? I leave you with those things to ponder.

I'm just getting rid of you today.

Timmy decided we all need to wake up at 4am today! Thanks Timmy! He has actually been having pretty good week, so if he wants us to all get up at 4am sometimes, then I just go along with it.

It was hard to go back to sleep due to the smoke filled house. Did you happen to drive by my house last night around 9pm? And you saw all the smoke pouring out of the house? And you probably saw me sitting on the porch drinking some wine, sort of deciding whether to weep, leave, or just drink some more wine. Because I forgot to clean the oven yesterday. After I forgot to read the pie recipe the day before. I have this recipe ISSUE. So I filled up most of the oven with the pie, instead of making a pie we could eat. So then when I made some dinner in the oven last night, our whole house was filled up with smoke all night! Do you see what happens when I actually cook? Thanks Take out Food!

Here. Go enjoy yourself on some other websites today.

How much do we enjoy this new agility hero? She has an ad for a seminar she is doing in Ohio next month in Clean Run and I saw this and maybe I can adopt her. http://www.silvia.trkman.net/

Read an article that features me that actually uses all my bad grammer in it. This is not glamourous, I can't believe I'm even telling you this, it's in the local dog club's newsletter and has little interviews with Rob and Dee and also me, all the agility teachers for their dog club. But it's something to read.

All right. Here's your last one. This girl seems to be a photographer who rides her vespa across the country and moved to a log cabin in Wyoming and started raising an abandoned coyote puppy. Wow! My life is so boring. http://dailycoyote.blogspot.com/

The glamour of it all.

Does this happen to you?

Any time someone EVEN THINKS there might be actual practicing happening, it is Team mayhem. Like I look at a table and MAYHEM! they are all up on the table. Any table! Even the one with the ipod plugs on it! Don't run over Timmy when you all go running for toys on the And Go! Really there is never genuine agility practicing at my house, but I guess it is the funny little pretend parts that sort of SEEM like agility. And Gustavo has his own personal weave poles (channels with wires, agility fans amongst you) in the driveway (mock me neighbors, but no stone throwing from people who hang toasters in their trees and still have the easter eggs scattered about their trash heap) and I am liable to stick his little contact board any old place for a target. Which to the rest of the Team, SEEMS enough like agility to cause mayhem of Excitement!

Non agility fans amongst you, this driveway business is sort of like the canvas priming, hard drive digging, brush cleaning, hammering and programming part of agility. Like you just have to keep doing it and repeating it when you are training the skills, before you can get to the totally RAD part of running around out there like a bat out of hell.

Like, I am not a rockstar, but I play one in my mind, and I think rockstaredness is like this. You have to practice and practice and practice and no one sees this or knows about it. Everyone sees the fun and glamorous part with the leather pants and on the stage and you're drunk and it is so FABULOUS, but most of the time it is the practicing and practicing and practicing. And making sure you practice right so you don't screw up later. Like Johnny Depp practicing to be a Keith Richards pirate. How many times did he have to apply that eyeliner and do the british mumbling to get it right?

At the art opening, no one knew about soldering the 50 gazillion LED's or the hand cramps from the tiny brushes or stabbing wounds of 10 million sharp pieces of fake Christmas tree branches. You just have the super cool outfit (ha!) and you are waving your arms about with the fame of it all. And you are probably drunk again. No one knows how many times you had to rip out ALL the stitches and start all over or the projector was crooked and you had to reprime the wall and start all over. No one knows you had to invest all the money for REAL then have the stock market Actually Crash!

Yes, the fame and the glamour of the Steeplechase Finals comes and how many of you know how many damn times we had to run through those weave poles and be so very patient and keep the wires on and stand so still for the entry and throw the frisbee and figure out why is the popping happening at pole 10 and rethink and refix. How many times on that table and making sure when the judge says And Go and the dog waits til then and is not leaping off that table so let's just use the patio table again, all of you together and sit there for a nice count of 5. And then maybe if we win big enough, Johnny Depp is there at the finish line to hand over that icy mojito. The glamour of it all.

Let's start up that Holiday Spirit.

Last night, as I was putting finishing touches on my annual collector's edition Xmas card, Gary looked at it and said, "I don't think you can say 'Don't Let Christmas Kick Yer Ass' on the cards you give to all the kids at the barn." It was in nice big fat Gothic type too.

I was thoughtful, such a rare thing for me to be. "Really? Is that weird to say on a Christmas card?" I was thinking what great branding and a true holiday sentiment.

Being someone of frequent poor to non editing, sometimes I get confused about my various audiences and where certain elements of my personality need to be somewhat toned down or tuned up or shut up. I think last year's card had an antique engraving of a giant dog attacking a man and said something about the holidays smashing us all, but it was on the back. The kids at the barn don't look at the back right? The front had the leering race horse groom staring down the front of my dress. But no poetry about the dogs killing Santa Claus this time!

So this year, I am trying to be nice, good customer service, a friendly Christmas card for all to enjoy. There can only be one card! One for everyone, so that I am not teaching the children bad language or about kicking asses. Even though that is a major theme of Team Small Dog. Perhaps not a lofty theme for us all to strive for, but that's just what I got. This year I decided in the interest of customer service, it is about being nice. See, I am trying to be a Better person! No mean bones in this chowder holder.

If you do not already get a Christmas card from me, email me your address so I can add you to the list. Maybe you won't be impressed. But you'll be able to say, "What Fantastic Customer Service!" Another true meaning of Christmas.

Thanks Coen Brothers!

Here is a creepy yet westernish movie for you, called No Country for Old Men!

The old man is Tommy Lee Jones, which gives it bonus points even before it starts. There's no country for him and the bags under his eyes. We know that in real life Tommy Lee Jones breeds polo ponies on a giant ranch in Texas and we like how he puts the horse in the janky old horse trailer. That is pulled by an old '70's truck with very stunning and muted '70's art direction. His name is Ed Tom Bell, thanks Cormac McCarthy for this one perfect name. Thanks art director, for the beautiful cop headlights on the '70's cop car and the beautiful interiors and props!

The bad guy is pretty much as bad as you can get without going to the chainsaw massacre side of tall bad guys in Texas. This is due to the Coen Brothers and the fact he looks a little bit like Ryan Hedgecock of Lone Justice with hair that makes you giggle except you hope you never see him in real life, in his tall and seamless stretchy denim-like '70's fabric. Even his nose is bad and crazy, probably as bad as any movie guy can get.

The chased guy is sometimes smart and sometimes not. Very good use of western shirts then making them wrong with ill fitting levis and occasional sneakers. I believe once he was one of the Young Riders. Now he lives in trailer that is probably not moldy due to the heat, he makes me think maybe I should just move to New Mexico. Once a teen idol and then a Vietnam vet jungle stalker, but now he is sweaty and dusty and sort of wide in the ass. Also you will find Woody Harrelson in a Texas leisure suit!

All of them need to either find the money or keep the money. It's that kind of story. But told in such a way that I did not ever get bored or fall asleep, which is a very high praise from me. If you are worried about the mean pitbulls with tiny pointy ears, always remember they don't really kill dogs for the movies, as much as we can tell. You will never want to swim in a river with a pitbull chasing you again. I will not divulge any more details because this is a movie for everyone to go see! It makes me wish I was a super genius Coen Brother and realize how much I never will be. I am sorry Coen Brothers, that all I can come up with are scenes from musicals. Let's have them direct the dog agility movie! Thanks Coen Brothers!

Great dog trick!

If I do it just right, I can get the 3 small dogs (this trick doesn't work for Timmy because he is deaf as a stapler) to start howling all together. This is a very popular trick with my neighbors and husband I am sure. Because they don't exactly howl like, you were probably just picturing, dog howling. Like coyote or a husky. No. Not team small dog. Otterpop starts, with her kind of whiney, sing-a-long voice. Gustavo is next, with a shrill, sputtering monkey sound mostly heard in dark rainforest jungles where you also find giant snakes. Ruby finishes it off, with an even higher, shriller, shrieking ear splitting harmony, perhaps the sound of a tortured baby. When you get all 3 going together, being little ego hogs, they raise the volume, and the overall effect is somewhere between horrific and chilling, like a drunken, off key singer is murdering babies and monkeys deep in the jungle and there is no way out. Great Trick!