Hello and welcome to my birthday party.

So I was going to replace my carpeting in the spare bedroom/office/storage unit with these Product Placement cool carpet tiles. Fast and easy. Looks really good. Urban. Modern. Cool and hip. Instant good taste. Come sponsor Team Small Dog carpet tile grand poobas. A Sunday with no dog show and time for fun and breezy home improvement.


First had to pull up the old rug. Got pee stained during the last part of Timmy's life. Was just some beige carpet, covering circa 1968 grody vinyl. Who needs that in a house when you can have carpet tiles in a plethora of colors evoking mossy woodland clearning and build a taxidermy room? There will be branches. I envision a squirrel shelf running the length of the room with taxidermied squirrels in realistic and threatening poses.

I thought maybe a nice job for one day. Tear out and install. Happy Birthday to me and I'll have a new floor. So all the stuff stuffed into that room, I stuff in all the nooks and crannies and all floor space of all our other rooms. Which are a bedroom and a kitchen/living/dining speck of space. So you walk in our house and you are sure the crazy have landed as you squeeze past STUFF. Have I mentioned once or twice our house is the size of the cupholder in your Ford Explorer? Like one Labahoula puppy laying down takes up the entire living room and kitchen and no one can walk even a single step?


So how did I end up with a pile of sheetrock and insulation and a truck full of wood and the surfer guy from next door standing in there sort of shaking his head but luckily out of work this week? Hope there's no swell. Trying to put the lid back on all the cans of worms me and my crowbar opened up. Involves walls. The topic today was the forest carpet and now I am missing a wall. And am embarking on a journey named A New Closet.

How's that carpet look you ask? Mossy woodland clearing? Ready for the squirrels to come home to nest?

Can you see that? It's my stink eye. Stinking right into your eye. Let's just not talk about carpets right now.

Project Runway, we might have to break up.

All right. I sort of don't get it anymore. Project Runway was THE BEST. THE BEST thing of all. Like a close second to dog agility, Project Runway was. Santino, I love you and your ruffles everywhere! Jay you are practically amish and you had the ear muffs and now you are a plasma donor! Jeffrey all big swirly neck tattoo which was a true miracle since you have no neck, but you could work the stripiness of fancy dresses. Then it was now.

This is the deal. It is on after Dog Agility Dirt Night. You have a long day at work, outside, in the cold and wind and mud and rain. Probably you forgot to give some horse a shot. You rush through that last lesson to get in the car in time. You get to run the dogs! Even Hobbes! Even though your dogs have been locked in a swamp jail all day long. Except Hobbes. You have your nice dog agility students who don't seem to care that you are just like 2 steps ahead of them in the training of their dogs. And even if they do they keep their traps shut about the fact and just soldier on. You drive home really, really fast on the freeway where there is construction and you are thinking, if I was drunk and driving really fast right here I would likely go slamming into the white cement wall now! But it is to get home by Project Runway. It's just how we do things.

And there was a glimmer of hope. All these New Jersey Catholic School Girls Coming in to get PROM DRESSES! Hello! You had me right there producers! I've never been to New Jersey or Catholic School but I've been to a damn prom and this is fantastic! And we have the old prom pictures of all the designers! The trauma and horror of the prom as reflected in advance by Project Runway. And then what do they do. Just make a mess.

So Rami first of all, you wouldn't catch me dead in that weird old green sloppy turban on a boob thing. All his dresses have this vibe but it is fully revealed now. Except his candy dress was actually ok-actually sort of would have been the best prom dress. And Victoria, the leading dog agility designer at the beginning due to the arm holders, who I have already blacklisted, just like did this weird bedazzled thing but Delia's would sell it so I guess it was prom. Everything else so HORRIBLE! Like horrible, awful dresses. I can barely stand it. I guess I would have worn Christian's because it's brown and brown is the new black just like dog agility and also it is a known fact I just have bad taste all by myself if I am not working with a volunteer stylist medic so what do I know. I wore white strapless vintage to my horrible, terrible awful prom with bright red hose and white plastic shoes (yeah socal in the 80's and kroq and all that) and a drug addict 23 year old prom date and sat at a table full of 17 year olds and their 23 year old drug addict dates and let's just say what a HOOT. Barrels of monkey laughs at that prom.

And these girls all are acting like they are ok with their dresses, except for Maddie who had Christian and they had a little personality conflict, a little disagreement of opinions, and Christian retaliated by making a horrible dress in which he hoped to get voted off except for a rousing little Tim Gunn speech about soldiering on, chin up buckaroo and all that. He almost got voted off but instead it was the ugly dress of Keith who had a prom picture of him covered in bright orange fake tan and am I remembering this right, no girlfriend date just him? He's the one always making a big deal about how not gay he is. With his ugly red halter dress? Well he's gone now. Just a bad memory. Sorry Keith. Like I could have been outside in the dark working on Gustavo's weave poles. Or clicking training him to do something cool and neato but here I was, watching this on a couch with all the dogs on the couch.

Yeah, and by the way, can you see that? Yeah, it's a rat. That's what Gustavo was playing with yesterday. Nice dead, damp rat from outside. In the house. Brought it in, in his mouth. You ever seen me around rats? I have this thing. I can deal with a lot of things but not rats. Not in my feedroom, my backyard, my attic. Dead or alive. Involves screaming and carrying on. Tried to get the dog to take it back outside, ala "Good boy, go get your toy! What a gooood boy!!! Please goddamnit get the foul horrible RAT TOY OFF THE FILTHY YET STILL ONCE EXPENSIVE RUG AND OUT OF THE HOUSE!" But the dead rat toy was over and he moved on to squirrel hut. Other dogs, just looked aghast.

So I had to get a plastic bag and try to scoop it into it without touching or feeling it's rat weight or tail which was impossible and run FAST to the garbage without TRIPPING on dogs and clogs and falling down the stairs and run to OPEN garbage lid while still in running motion thus missing and rat on ground and quickly grabbing some piece of ghetto yard trash from my dog agility training speck and in the trash and there you go. Happy Saturday.

Some nice things to do when you're a bad dog.

OK. So when you go out and leave 4 dogs together in a tiny little house, what do you expect they do?

Well, one of them is Timmy. I am thinking he sleeps. He is pretty hard to wake up, and he can't hear anything anyways. Or see much. So he likes sleeping. The other 3 they are used to sleeping much of the day at work. Don't they want to sleep away the day too?

Or perhaps eat a table full of bills. And one pantone color swatch book. The bills included the itemized statement for my tooth. Remember when I used to not have a front tooth and I looked like a pirate crack head? Now I have a real nice genuine fake tooth. But I will be paying for it for a long time. Except Gustavo ate the proof. What kind of dog eats bills? From on top of the kitchen table?

Or perhaps it would be a nice thing to run through the house, askewing rugs and pillows and chairs and blankets. This is a popular activity when confined to the indoors, actually it is happening right now. The running, but not the mayhem of decor items. What do they DO that makes the interior decorating look like long arm knuckle swinging apes were waltzing around all drunk in my house? Is that bad dog training? Should I have them all on down stays instead of screeching around the kitchen with earless stuffed squirrels in their mouths? It is good exercise, even if it seems sort of mayhemmy. I haven't really asked any real dog trainers if they let their dogs do this. It wouldn't work with 3 border collies I guess. Maybe if you had a real big house. It's sort of proportional? If it's wet outside, then they are too muddy so tearing around outside just makes it worse. And the hole digging in the mud is just no good.

It's not like I don't provide them with items and nice things to do. Including the popular Squirrel Hut. Squirrel Hut is so popular it can even cause short faux dog fights. It is a stump with tiny squirrels that go in the stump windows. Put squirrels in, take them out. Squeak squirrels, eat squirrel hut. I rarely actually buy a dog toy (here, play with this nice stick!) but then I saw Squirrel Hut. Squirrel Hut was so popular for a couple weeks that no contraband was eaten in my house. And for some magic reason, it's made in China-ness seems to have constructed it from non destroyable fabrics! Stumps! Squirrels! Now I think Squirrel Hut's fun has worn off. The thrill is gone. Now the fun has switched to climbing on the table where the bills are. Gustavo, I am one HUNDRED PERCENT sure it was you who ate the dentist statement.

The cat can cause hours of fun. It usually won't come in the house but sometimes I try to train it to enjoy life as a house cat for like 5 minutes and it becomes the big fat dog toy too. it is big, it can hold it's own, it was born in a garbage dump. It kicks neighbor cat ass. It is mayhem though if everyone wants to get the cat. And causes loud dog noise.

The noise can continue if I leave 3 dogs alone together in a tiny little house. To take Timmy on his own, nice slow walk. I've heard it. I can't say that it's barking. It starts off with Otterpop making this weird yelling Noise. Then Ruby starts in with, hmm, maybe a shrieking, chirping, high pitched howing type sound. Then there is screeching banshee howling lately since they taught this trick to Gustavo. Ha, but I can out trick them. I just wait in the driveway til it gets good and loud then yell at the house STOP IT NOW and it stops.

God my neighbors must think I'm insane. Neighbors, I bought them squirrel hut! I don't always hide in the driveway, yelling! I give them sticks and bones! Do you like the dog agility items starting to stack up in the driveway (thanks for the contact trainer Sue!) and seeing me running around with a dog hanging onto a piece of braided up fleece scraps by his teeth? Flicking cheese chunks at him while clicking targets? Hi Neighbors! I'm trying to rebrand a whole entire sport here! Come on over!

Bleeding gums of the handheld squirrel noises.

Yesterday, potential bathroom contractor Brian came over. He comes very highly recommended, and told me he specializes in High End bathrooms. I like to think I am a high end person, but I am pretty sure that many would dispute this fact after seeing my high end house decor that includes the beat up toy wood rifle held together with tape that I have hanging from plastic string over the living room mirror, both of which were purchased at yard sales. The rifle came from a yard sale in Tonopah though. So maybe I am more of medium end? I bought my kitchen table at Cost Plus, which I usually avoid since it was likely built by tiny slave children with bleeding fingers and gums but that is at least one store bought item in my house. But not exactly high end.

So he looked around and listened to me a lot. He is a good listener. But then when it's his turn to talk, he thinks a long time, and says what I think are carefully arranged, tactful thoughts. As opposed to when I talk, which doesn't always involve good listening and usually means very unedited thoughts blabbing straight out my mouth. But he seemed a little passive agressive, in a friendly, cheerful way and like maybe he was thinking I was a little weird or crazy or not high end enough. I don't know. He is a contractor, he has to work with nuts all the time. But I'm not sure if I can work with him if he is quietly always thinking nice ways to tell me that my idea sucks or is going to cost a million bucks. It is better to just tell me in regular words!

He was nice enough to crawl under the house to find the gigantic leak of the toilet which for sure means the floor has to be replaced-ka ching-for which the dogs loved him very much. He had a tiny little handheld machine to tell if wires-hey neat there are old knob and tube wires down there! were hot which made beeping squirrel noises, which endeared him very much to Ruby and he is her best friend. I am pretty sure Ruby would vote for contractor brian to remodel the bathroom because of crawling around squirrel noises.

I had a fun whirlwind tour of some stores that sell plumbing and tile and what not. I took notes. I wrote down the very expensive prices that made my bathroom cost twenty thousand dollars! For a Bathroom! Then I wrote down some more prices so I can make my bathroom cost less than that but of course, being a High End person I sure do love that $22 per square foot tile! But I am allowed to get the $5 per square foot kind! I can already tell I do not like bathroom remodeling, and this is while I am not taking showers in the driveway for all the neighbors to see. And having a lovely porta potty in my driveway or if I'm really lucky right on my front grass. I cannot wait, this is going to be Fantastic! And all the while writing checks from the fun and exciting loan for it!

I discovered a neat fact about Team Small Dog blog, which is that many people visit it once on the internet, then never come visit it again! This doesn't exactly hurt my feelings, I know in real life I can have this special effect on people too, so it is cool and special that it is channeled straight over the internet too. I knew the internet was like magic!

Wrong taxidermy is alway soothing to me.