This Olympian Project Runway episode Brought to you By capital letter B.

So NBC sells the designers to China. They are off to the giant new stadium called the Chicken Basket to design costumes for the athletes who will march in following the performance By every single memBer of the Chinese army. It is like WOWness! Giant dance numBers with 5000 dancers in light up costumes running around and Banging drums on a 6 mile long rollup LED screen. The likes of which we've never seen. Sort of like Circque de Soleil, the Epic Version goes to Burning Man desert as produced By the Chinese army But directed By Tim Burton But censored By Celine Dion and the Board memBers with nice taste. Totally weird. And BIG! The designers all sit there and Blayne is still rattling on aBout tanning. You are in CHINA dude! Check out this epic of BIG around you. You get your own sweatshop to Build your outfit!

So they hide a tiny sweat shop under each designer's taBle, all these scared little slave children with Bleeding fingers huddled under each designer's ankles, and take off to an IKEA factory that the set decoraters made look just like Mood. Everyone Buys red, white and Blue faBric except for Stella who gets Black faBric and plans to use someone else's red, white and Blue scraps. Ralph Lauren is Bound and gagged and shipped to Taiwan. The top designer's outfit will Be forced on the poor Coke swilling, Big Mac stuffed atheletes to march around in the Chicken Basket in front of the whole world while 60 million fireworks go on overhead and Celine Dion is flying around on wires overhead screaming at them. So what do they envision as suitaBle for this?

How aBout a circus outfit with a floppy hat? Jerrell is totally insane. The heart must go on. How aBout a purple cocktail frock? Daniel Vosovic, you were a snotty shit this week and don't deserve your own sweatshop. I think your parents might already own one. How aBout a little numBer that could also Be worn to sell airplane tickets at the airport after the plane has already left and you don't even know it? You are getting Aufed for that one, one of you Brown haired girls. How aBout giant, high waisted, unflattering pants that will swallow the tiny gymnasts up whole? Korto just says, screw that. Put the whole gymnastics team in one pair of pants. See if I care, Because I'm in China now and I'm winning this shit. Joe says wear a skort! A super ugly skort I wouldn't ever wear to dog agility yet was mayBe ordered already for the whole world team to wear to dog agility. Wait til Ashley with Luka sees that.

Tim Gunn, last seen with Apolo Ohno. Who was the only athelete they could get Because all the summer ones at McDonald's training camp sponsored By Visa. The only card accepted at the Chicken Basket. Let the games Begin! Sorry Ralph Lauren, you will get untied to watch the dressage.

In this episode, Project Runway once again nearly puts us to sleep.

I went to watch Project Runway on old fashioned analog tape. The problem was, they were wearing rain ponchos and driving around on a double decker bus to get inspiration from New York City at night. Like I almost couldn't stand it. It involved drizzling and arty shots with cheapo digital cameras. And then Keith, the gay mormon from Utah, made this thing out of little scraps of paper. I think they were actually fabric scraps but let's just say they were little scraps of direct mail pieces. And then it was Michael Kors and he came crawling out of the tanning booth with Blayne and before that they had their teeth whitened together, the little hussies. Seems like a conflict of interest is what I think. Both of them baring their teeth at each other on the runway like "grrrrrrrr...tiger!" Whitened and sharpened little pointy teeth, sticking out of orange faces like pumpkins that scare Gustavo. Who was also scared of the giant neon bows that exploded off Blayne's model.

And so then it just made more sense to have a puppet show with the dogs. We decided to act out the demise of Kurt Cobain under the rule of Courtney Love, because I am trying to teach Gustavo that he doesn't really need to be so scared of stuff without Otterpop around. And we all know what happened to poor Kurt. Recently I used scientific method to determine that Gustavo is scared of agility if Otterpop is in the car but he is an insane agility freak when she in his general vicinity. And it is sort of freaking me out in a Kurt/Courtney faux happy on the cover of Sassy Magazine cover only a short time before he had to shoot himself in the head kind of way. So I believe that we will do educational puppet shows on the topic until we sort of wean him from Otterpop. Sort of like homeschooling with the puppets and all. You need puppets for homeschooling, right? Not sure if Heidi and Seal homeschool their carefully bred little brood, or if the rule of Heidi will drive Seal to the same bitter end as Kurt. Certainly not if Tim Gunn is a good friend and talks everyone down off their tree. Kurt just didn't have a Tim Gunn in his life.

Still trying to figure out how to get this across to Gustavo. Hope the puppet show was the right plan.

Project Runway-Green is the new green. Black. Brown. Green.

Green is in. Green is the new black and the new brown and the new gray. Last week we did recycling and this week we are doing green fabrics that don't have horrible ocean polluting dyes. And just when Suede, a big fluffy Tinky Winky really, is irritating us enough with his third person mentions of Suede, we get it. That's his thing. He's third person. Like Stella is a dour Ramone. Like Blayne is a tanorexic tweaker. And all the girls are sort of weepy art school gals from Portland. I think there's 8 of them. This is the postmodern season of Project Runway. The editing is about the editing. Everything is reused. The models are doing the shopping.

It's maybe the subversive season because now I am thinking is a big ugly F**K you to the Bravo channel for selling Tim, Heidi, and all the Saturn Vues off to the Lifetime Channel which is possibly the dorkiest and most uncool channel out there. Weepy badly written victim movie for ladies that are wearing high waisted jeans in an unironic, non Chloe Sevigny way. It's either that they've all just given up, or else they are going to lash the pants off the show like all Captain Johnny Depp with his saber before Lifetime gets it. Slash here, slash there, til it's in little shreds. Like if you got sold to JCPenny. It's a gig. But one that makes you secret cry as you walk to the bus stop every morning. You either go down weeping or go down with one helluva fight.

The designers haven't given up though. They're trying. They're going to make cocktail dresses for their favorite models. Because nothing says cocktails like a small herd of models walking in a row, following Heidi Klum in synchronized steps. It's the cocktail army. Heidi is as lean and mean as ever, in her tiny little skirts, and even Nina later mentioning shiney short tight as a good way to look cheap doesn't sway Heidi. Cool as a cucumber, that steely eyed tart. Her kids are off with Seal somewhere and she's shiney short tight and Nina can just say that to her face and see what happens is what Heidi thinks.

So let's cut to the chase. Honestly, I was bored. Ho Hum. Pretend Nina just said that and you can picture how I would say bored. Hold your mouth in an "O" shape for a little longer than everyone else. We didn't much get to see them building their dresses. Maybe a little. Once built, we had Suede's circus fiesta dress which actually won the prize and you can order your own off of Bluefly now. Which sells sort of over and done with fashion on the internet. Ha HA! take that Lifetime new home at the Lifetime Channel. BlueFLY!

Suede is curious, but they are teaching us to hate him, so maybe he's getting Aufed soon. Someone leaked it onto the internet that he was getting aufed this week, so when I saw him sewing his little shreds together, I was like ha HA! my psychic abilities say Suede goes tonite. He sort of reminds me of Perez Hilton, all chubby in screenprinted Grranimals seperates, lumbering about, with his teletubby body and helmet and puffy swollen feet.

Daniel Vosovic who likes animals made a cute black dress with pockets that I would wear to dog agility. Had frisbee holders and a nice scoop neck. I think it had a skort under there too. Stella Ramone stitched hers up the side and got big gushy kisses from Michael Kors for it. They made a big deal about her and the leather thing. But at least she has a THING. So far, they only made a thing about her thing. And Tinky Winky's third person thing. I guess we get more things, but it's going to maybe be in a F**K you ratings kind of way is my guess.

The special guest judge who is Natalie Portman is devoting her life to vegan shoes instead of being a movie star now. All the girls from Portland are like YAY! Vegan shoes! Detroit guy for a moment considers vegan shoes. He has kids. Go environment. Maybe the global warming won't swallow the kids up before they die of old age if Natalie Portman sells enough of her vegan shoes. She's wearing a green dress in honor of our generation. Her generation. Portland girls' generation. I think it was made of whale killing dyes. Maybe, maybe not. Her and her vegan shoes aren't telling though.

Wesley, who I'll tell you now gets aufed, wore his own little rolled up shorts and little red shoes. Really, he stole the show just for his little otufit. Like remember Angus from ACDC? I think that suit jackets made of lightweight seersucker and polo shirts under with rolled up shorts and no socks with your red shoes is the style for summer men in New York City. I am not lying. It's nice we can all get along in a city where you can wear all leather if you want or all rolled up shorts with no socks red shoes if you want. Wesley is like a quiet gay version of Angus, he might secretly play ACDC songs at home. Sadly, we'll never know. He made a matching dress with one of the Portland girls, I can't remember which one. How many of them are there, those girls back there? The one that likes making funny little satin nurse caps that match her dresses. They had a run off for last place and even with his little red shoes he got cut. Boy was his dress ugly though. Nina had a poison dart in her hand, and just told him the too tight short shiney line, and then pegged him right in the bare knee with it. Ouch. Bet he wishes he didn't roll up his shorts so high.

Korto almost came in last too for building a dress that looked like a flabby yellow fish. Her model looked like maybe would be available to stand outside a nice fish restaurant, El Pollo Pesco, and wave a net vigorously around in the air with a toothy, fishy smile. A fine fleshy tuna. It had fins for real. It even made Tim Gunn stop and pause and not sure what to say and snap out of his funk for a moment of the train crash he was witnessing with his own two eyes. Sorry Tim Gunn. We are sorry you endure this and maybe you come help me install carpeting this weekend for some real fun. Because it's my birthday today, Tim Gunn. And I'm installing carpeting myself to make my floor look like a woodland moss forest with 5 different colors. But I don't have to finish by midnight. I'll finish sometime next January at my rate of speed. Good thing I didn't enter Project Runway.

I was happy for Stella. Because I don't know anyone that talks like her. She is so potential dog agility lady. She's never used yellow satin before. Only leather. Pyramid it, stud it, spike it. The models all lied and said they'd go for cocktails in their dresses even when they had giant fluffy collars that prevent drinking or chewing on stitches. Because they don't drink anyways, causes pooching in the indented little tummies. And they sure as hell they never get to go shopping for the fabric again.

I'll watch Project Runway so you don't have to. Again.

So I dunno. Mostly it seemed kind of old and stale. But not so bad like something you throw in the garbage. More like some chips you might still eat, but the whole time thinking, "Why am I eating these?" Maybe what you are saying right now. She is watching that Project Runway crap again? Didn't she write this already? Well, what the hell else you going to read then? You want more about front crossing again? Yeah, I didn't think so.

But what was sort of weird and nice, right in the beginning, we met this little blonde fella that has classic alien eyes and puffy puppy cheeks and the first thing he wanted was a tanning booth. And he looks like somethng that was constructed on a government base and shipped out to Project Runway under the guise of fashion designer. How weird is that? Like a CIA conspiracy, but why? Curious. And the next guy we met was some dad from Detroit. Like sort of this plain, basic, guy. And then it was Stella Ramone who makes leather rockstar corsets for Sebastian Bach. And is like a super downer, bummer man, dyed black hair sad eyes. A bunch of them were over 40. And a bunch weren't.

The thing that was happening was it seemed like the alien guy was the Christian. A whole buncha the girls were the Kit Pistols. There was a Sweet P and a Daniel Vosovic and a Jeffrey. And so on and so forth. Recycling. Austin Scarlett even came back for a minute. Super-recycling. Tim Gunn just kept looking like he wanted to cry. His brow was so furrowed. Like he wanted a snack with some carbs and a ride home.

Suede gave us a new word though. Wackadoodle. I believe I actually have said it 4 times, making it my word now. And Stella Ramone has the candycane striped leather pants we can't figure out, and the little spiked raccoon eyelashes that maybe are tattoos? She is an enigma sent from angels for our perusal. And the guy that got voted off, irritating, but what a way to go off, with this chainsaw massacre bride. Exactly how we used to dress up the cats as kids! Chainsaw bride had a weird off with the maxi pad mesh leotard sent by the CIA to the alien. The CIA gave him the dumbest catch phrase to make him the new Christian. What's going on with network tv and covert government operations. CIA, you reading this? I'm not repeating it. So there. Wackadoodle. Catch phrase my ass.

I tried to watch tv for you but then I didn't.

So, someone said to me, "Hey are you watching Top Chef?" OK, they emailed this to me. No one really talks to me. Well, they do. But not about Top Chef. Like am I going to write up little in-a-nutshell stories about it so they don't have to watch it themselves was what they were getting at. Right, because I watch tv so you don't have to.

I sort of watched it. It is hard to fit in all the tv I'd like to with my busy schedule of, I dunno. Playing with the dogs. Fighting oppression by armed State Park Rangers. Work. Not plastering my office. Doodling with pens. Looking for socks and more receipts for the accountant. Like I don't even cook anything in my own kitchen, so it's sort of weird to watch others do it. I guess many people do this all the time with say, Sports. Basketball. Baseball. That is pretty much what is on our tv a lot of the time because some member of my family may be freakishly addicted to various Team Sports shows called The Important Game March Madness Pre Season F*cking Dumbass Giants. At least these are watched with the soundtrack of the stereo and not the real soundtrack. So as far as I know, basketball is always accompanied by Radiohead.

The chefs were making tacos the other night. If you have never seen Top Chef, just imagine Project Runway but they are all restaurant chefs. They are always drinking beer and they seem really jovial compared to fashion designers. It's hard for me to relate to. Project Runway, I got that. Just like art school. But cooking on a deadline? Like if you told me I had 1/2 hour to make a super fancy pants taco, I'd just give you a look and roll my eyes and slowly drive to one of the 18 taquerias within 5 minutes of my house and get you some tacos and call it a day. Right? To me, a taco is sort of a taco is a taco. I believe I do not have a developed palette. I am perfectly happy to enjoy some peanut butter on a piece of celery and dinner is served.

The the chefs had to cook something else and someone made it too salty and I was thinking, this just isn't all that interesting. Like this is just not from my world at all. They can just go to the store and get some stuff and cook it and it is something others would like to eat. And it will probably involve some ducks and pomegranates (I just had to look that up to spell it) and marscapone. Three things I would probably not think of to buy at the store. You have seen what I cook. Please review hot dog slicing and crack cakes. That's as exciting as it gets. I have advanced to sometimes making some boiled pieces of Trader Joe's frozen chicken for a big dog show treat for anyone that is really fast. I serve the leftovers in Ikeaware for teaching weave poles and running a-frames. Presentation, presentation, presentation. I'll show you that someday soon. It is a crazy thing to make for someone that doesn't eat animals. Or my sandwich making technique. I slice the tomatoes! Fascinating! I do feel that I may have some talent in the slicing department though.

We have to find a new tv show. It preferably should be shot in West Texas. Because I have this thing now where that's all I feel like watching on a screen. It will probably go away, these things always do. It's sort of how I get viruses. We are having a Marfa film festival soon at our house for all movies, all Marfa. On NPR today, they were interviewing the director of There Will Be Blood about shooting the movie and I had to sit in the feedstore parking lot to listen and get to the barn really late due to hearing about How To Burn an Oil Fire and Build Their Own Derrick, which are things you can do in West Texas. The feedstore border collie peed on my tire. I didn't care. I was too much thinking of building my own oil derrick and letting the dogs run around in the desert and eating meals from the Food Shark. And then I ran out of time to watch tv for you again.

Project Runway-Season 4 Finale, finally.

OK. So I get it. You only love me for my Project Runways. Everyone just went away. No one wants to know about dog game training and fitness and being responsible and doing taxes. But now it's the end of the season? Do you just go away and come back next year like winter people in RV's with your 4 wheelers dragging behind? It was nice knowing you? Don't you want to see how Gustavo's weave poles turn out someday? Yeah. You all go to Marfa and leave me here.

So there were some moments of pure joy the other night. 36 tall, skinny, pointy steppers walking up and down a long, white ramp in a giant tent. To a soundtrack that just matches the pointy stepping so nice! With these looks on their faces. Like this is something to aspire to. To have the Walk of the Fierce, down the ramp, stand for a moment with your weight sort of weirdly balanced with feet ahead and shoulders back, then turn and walk back. They have these tiny little faces and tiny little heads, and these long, stretchy limbs on which are just piled ruffles and feathers and weaving and sweaters and all kinds of stuff.

Christian. We knew you would win. No we didn't. Yes we did. No we didn't. Because we loved all of Jillian's clothes and she is Officially Elected the Extraordinary Designer of things for dog agility. Jackets and coats and sweaters and pants. Maybe not the tiny gold dress, because you have to have the thighs of Heidi that are nowhere near each other in the middle to wear that. But everything else.

But here was the ringer. The guest judge was Posh Spice! Who is a lady version of Christian except way richer and her head is bigger. She has such a weird, giant head and her haircuts make it look like it is maybe going to slide off to the side someday. So when Christian's outfits paraded across with giant ruffles EVERYWHERE, it was like, Posh Spice! Bend it like Posh! She is going to WANT something fierce those outfits. She will pack Christian up in her tote and take him home to England or LA or whichever mansion they are in this week, and he can be like the fashion nanny to her tiny tots and he is happy to live in a giant tote bag and she can cart him around to dress her in giant ruffles for her giant head and tight little pants for her tiny little thighs.

I thought it was weird Rami got second place. The hypnosis. That did it. I guess he got less points for being less drapey, and Nina pointed out so nicely that his colors are barfy. I forget what she said. Brady Bunch? I don't see that, but I do see barfy. He's never made many things that are of useful colors that are actually flattering to skin. So long Rami. I am happy I don't have to think about your turbany, slingy dresses anymore.

Jillian's stuff was so much cooler. But maybe she feels better knowing she is Extraordinary Designer of things for dog agility? Can someone tell her? Anyone have people in Long Island? She seems to be so worried all the time. Maybe this would cheer her up. I think we can build her a fan base. She is Sportswear, and we are Sporty! Like what if Sporty Spice had been a judge? Perhaps Jillian. I think no Spices would have selected Rami.

But I'll say this for Project Runway. This is a show where they actually do something super cool. The final fashion show made me happy on a day where everything else made me just want to spit and keep on driving. It reminds me so much of graduate school, except a happy graduate school where they actually learn a skill such as sewing and then they parade their things down their runway like a review. And I am just waking up now from the monster storm with no sparkly shoes and a dead witch draped over the headboard.

And Wayne Thiebaud is like Tim Gunn, and tells them they should just learn to be the best little darn horse painter that they can be. Even if they don't win.

And Nina is like that evil old witch of Critical Theory with the lips and the beads and who clawed her way to the top somehow by being vile and creepy and scaring everyone with words no one understands and you just wish didn't have so much power and leaves you with a scathing remark and a taste in your mouth like dirt mixed with rubber.

And Michael Kors, well, we learn from him it is useful to just wear the same thing every day and don't worry about it and no one cares if you wear your sunglasses inside.

And Heidi, she wasn't at my graduate school but I hate it now when she whispers something Germanic in Ruby's ear and makes her blow the contact and not get in the tunnel and turn away and run the other way and do some jumps out to the side, and a table, before running back in to the tunnel. Making me yell at no one in particular, "What the hell is wrong with my DOG???" Like on Wednesday night, just before Project Runway Season Finale. Coincidence? I think not.

Did you get the license plate of the truck?

So I know. I didn't tell you about Project Runway for a while. I even was going to, and it just was so lame and it made me sad to try and write something about it so I probably just wrote some dumb thing about a dog.

So then last night, it was the one where Tim Gunn goes to visit everyone to see their collections! He drives around to all their houses in a Saturn Product Placement. We get to see their houses or their studios. Or in the case of Chris, besides seeing his studio where he is making these total Dexter Show Me The Tiny Shrunken Scalps Attached Oscar outfits with human hair (Like teeth too? No. Just hair.) we also go to his friend's super coolest NY apartment ever where he has built it out with insane moldings on every flat surface like the most overmolded Rococo yet sort of Spanish inspired Versailles thing ever. Tim Gunn almost loses his shit over that one.

We visited Jillian's parents' Long Island house which isn't really what I was expecting and Jillian and her parents all have the same Christmas decorations that my parents have too. Even though Jillian is a tights wearing under formal shorts person. We visited Rami's house in Silverlake and his storefront design studio which sort of was what I was expecting. Christian lives in a super tiny closet with roomates in NY and makes all his giant, fluffy neck clothes in the tiny closet and sleeps in his tote bag under a table.

So I was going to tell you all about this episode but here was the thing. During dirt night, we had this sequence where we had to get them in the right side of the tunnel, after this super fast loadup of a couple jumps, the chute, and another jump. It was basically like the dog rocket shooting them to the left side of the tunnel and we had to pull them in the right side. I had 3 dogs to run. Who were all really wired last night, like I was yelling at dogs all night, BE QUIET! SHUT UP! And first time through it with Hobbes, augh he kept running in the left side of the tunnel and back I'd go through the whole loadup sequence to get that speed and get him in the hard pull side of the tunnel. And it took me a few times. And then it's Ruby's turn and same thing. And back through the fast loadup and pull and maybe too a few times. And then it's Otterpop's turn, she's not as fast right? And I think it still took me a couple times with her.

And then we had another course that had a similar thing and I think I had to go back a couple times with at least a couple dogs. And I was just running, running, running. It was a pretty fun night. I would not say that I ran error free last night. I would say I was cracking up a lot because the dogs were just flying and I'd make a mistake and it was cracking me up and I'd be laughing which makes my dogs faster and maybe not really Hobbes because he wants me to do it right so he can tug on his shred of a thing but I was laughing at him too. So a lot of oxygen being used by my running cackling shrieking run style, perhaps less effective than a good DOG'S NAME COME COME PULL SHOULDER INTO THAT SIDE of the tunnel. What is so funny about making errors during agility is what I'd like to know?

And then when it was time to finish watching Project Runway all I can tell you I woke up to see Heidi give Chris the double death kiss of auf weidershnicken and off he went. Um, I guess it repeats some night, right? And today, this morning, I feel like a truck just hit me. Next time I run that many fast runs with that many fast dogs, I am seeing a little advil for a nitecap.

Sorry you tivo-ers but it is on-time Project Runway.

Heidi comes out in a very sparkly and tight dress. She is glowing so hard but her face is scowling. I think she has on gold makeup. She is blinding me and she is blinding the designers and I've had to remove Ruby and put her in another room in case her blinding spell makes Ruby's weird illness even worse. But hot damn does she have really good posture.

Sweet P and Jillian are the only girls left. Rami, Chris, Christian and Cry Baby Ricky in the Hats are the boys. Tim is in a baggy suit and takes them on a fierce field trip. Good god. Christin's tote has grown again and Rami's sunglasses are growing. They are possibly not letting the designers eat and they are shrinking. Most of them. Tim is shrinking too, his suit is getting baggier every second. Where is all the food on Project Runway? Someone needs to call Top Chef for the Feeding the Designers Challenge. Maybe they are not eating in solidarity with their models who also cannot ever, ever eat.

Tiny Shrinking Tim takes them to a room of lady wrestlers kicking each other's asses wearing chaps and thigh highs and sparkle bikinis. The designers are super horrified by them. They are all sort of just standing their gaping. The lady wrestlers are just FLINGING each other around and their tiny little tops are not falling off. Like remember when they had to make ice skating dresses a long time ago and wear them out in public? Now they have to make wrestling sparkle bikinis and tights.

Product placement for Blockbuster.

Much happy giggling of designers. No one is screaming or crying yet. They all love each other and love ordering wrestling dvd's from Blockbuster Total Access online! Thanks Blockbuster! We love you!

The lady wrestlers all come back and try on their outfits. They want more sparkles! More cut out butts! More shiny-ness that doesn't look like you can buy it at Walmart. The designers are all so embarrassed. Except for Chris and Christian. They are happy to make wrestling wear for stripper like ladies. Maybe that's not fair. They just look like strippers. They could actually be upstanding members of the LDS and vote for Mitt Romney. Christian's outfit has chaps and leather and lace and I think that Sebastian Bach and Prince used to wear his outfit. It is Raining Purple on Skid Row. Chris made a little leopard hoodie that i am pretty sure I would wear! Another Project Runway dog agility jacket. Thanks designers for looking out for us! Some of these outfits might work for dog agility but not until I complete my fitness challenge which means by Madera when Hobbes will not hit a bar and Ruby will not be lame and crazy and I will be skinny again not so fat! Jeez Lousie, did the See's candy do some damage this time around. I have a video of running Hobbes in Steeplechase at Turlock and it is NOT FLATTERING. I am not even going to show it to you because it made me want to weep. Almost worse than seeing that bar drop was the hugeness lumbering around.

Then there is some more product placement of All the Treseme you Can Drink and Loreal Paris you are Worth it! The designers are shoving boobs and love handles into spandex and then the lady wrestlers get Treseme'ed and Loreal Parised. We are not sure what happened to Cry Baby's Gucci bathing suit. He made a shiney hospital smock? Strippers do not like smocks Ricky! Oh no. I think there will be crying for sure. He is wearing his mesh dress hat. Firing squad hat. There is also much foreshadowing of doom for Sweet P.

There is a commercial for Top Model but it is not Top Model, it is Super Model. This channel has Top designers, chefs, and models. How about Top Dog Agility Handler? There would be the 300 Weave Pole Challenge. Train this random unneutered pit bull from the Oakland SPCA to do a Nose Touch and have Success With One Jump Challenge. Heidi would come jumping out from behind the a-frame with a machete and your dog would still need to get their contacts! They could go and get a bath in the Treseme room and make sure Do Not let the dogs drink the Treseme! All the handlers have to sleep together in an RV with no heat. Wearing sparkly spandex wrestling outfits the whole time. All challenges judged with DAM Team rules that must be tabulated constantly by Nina who grumbles the whole time and secretly adds points for bad ass dogs she likes.

Heidi comes back for the fashion show in another glowing dress but this one is red. Red for the blood she will viper suck from someone's neck very soon. Michael Kors is the pope at a sex club. The other judges are Heatherette. One of them has an X tshirt. They TOTALLY GET sparkly wrestler outfits. They have some sparkly makeup on already. You will see these when you tivo this. You will see how the outfits turned out. I don't have to tell you. You already know whose suck and whose is good. Nina spanks Rami and tells him he was very, very bad for using pink on someone with such big boobs. Jillian's made everyone go to sleep and Sweet P did not use enough cut out butts and sparkles. Chris's looks expensive but he is a cheater because he already makes transvestite outfits so he had a very unfair advantage. They recognize Christian's outfit from that Prince video where he has sex with Sebastian Bach.

Heidi swoops up to the stage and bites Ricky on the neck but what is freakish is that he isn't crying. She injected some kind of tear blocker into his vein when she bit him. She had enough. He's gone, but his reputation has been irrepairably ground into dirt by his branding as the cry baby guy in the hats. Those damn editors. I feel a little bad for Ricky. But not that bad.

Project Runway-The Product Placement Years

Still life with sopping squirrel. All things sopping.

It's still raining. Who wants to go to work when you work on a ranch without an indoors? Luckily, Project Runway might repeat itself when you are dragging your heels to go handwalk the horses that have been locked in way too long. Let's take a closer look.

They start out in their Product Placement Apartment. Victorya thinks Sweet P is Kit. All those blondies look the same to her. Bitch. Have you noticed that Christian's tote keeps growing? It is almost the size of Chris now. Maybe Christian is shrinking under the weight of his pineapple hair and the tote is staying the same size. Maybe it's just from seeing him with the giant ruffle tower last week. We will still be able to hear him though, even if he shrinks to only 4" high. I'm not worried about Christian.

Heidi invites the team to do a model swap and gives them the horrific field trip news. There is a brief shot of Rami with his arm around Sweet PKit's shoulders on the way to the field trip. Was he in the Israeli army? Is that where he learned his powers of the hypnotic mind? What is he doing to Sweet PKit? The designers are fabulous but have to ride in a janky old ford econline van not befitting of their Designer Status. Hopefully Sweet PKit makes it out alive.

The big surprise is they must run (they are horrible to Chris-they know he can't run and this is the second time they've done this) through a filthy warehouse to grab a bunch of jeans. The theme of this week's challenge is Product Placement for Levi's 501 which just isn't cutting it with the kids today. Who have endangered reading brain and no time to buy Levi's. The levi's lady talks flat out about branding. Don't you remember when branding was supposed to be secret unless you were the branding expert and the marketing people? I used to do that and get giant checks because no one knew branding was just tricking people into buying stuff by coming up with a clever idea about why YOUR COMPANY was unique and special and cool. Once it involved a talking pirate parrot. I had to quit. Now everyone knows so maybe we are ready for a post-branded world? Get ahead of the curve and out of the box Project Runway. Sweet PKit gets a dirty foot grabbing her denim. How many times did Tim have to say Levi's?

Jillian is making the same coat again as last week. For me! But I am not sure if I will wear a denim coat. Sorry Jillian. We liked the black one with plaid lining. She will be sewing a lot of crap all over it too. Jillian's whole face is botoxed I think but with the weight of fashion, not actual botox. Every time you see her face it is pained and troubled but in a creepy terminator way. Rami is too european to work with the denim but he will Make it Work. But he does know about cartoon characters because he thinks Christian is the pineapple that sponge bob lives inside.

Victorya is stealing her idea from Jillian. We know one of them will be going down. It could involve blood! Ricky keeps saying the word lingerie, lingerie, lingerie. There's a whole drinking game right there with Ricky and crying and lingerie and hats. Too bad we have to go to work.

Sweet PKit freaks out Tim with her dress! She always does this and he says the actual words, "Happy Hands at Home Granny Circle Hippie Dippie!" Thanks Tim. We still love Tim just because he said that. That's our old Tim of the horrified look. Maybe he will quit working at Liz Clairborne or Donna Karan or wherever that was that made him leave academia for fame and fortune and bigger buckets of money. A talking pirate parrot could be just around the corner Tim Gunn.

Jillian really is bleeding! She is freaking out too. There is just a lot of whining happening with the designers over the branding challenge. The designers look like the little Wal Mart slave children behind their machines, except for that they have a lot more tattoos. Don't you wish they would just show us all their tattoos one morning in their Product Placement Apartment and we could read Ricky's lettering and see the whole Pineapple octopus arm and is there is rhyme or reason to all Sweet PKit's flowers scrolling all over her back and her arm.

The next time they go to Product Placement Apartment, the boys are all spraying themselves with stuff and we can also see that they have all Ikea furniture. Poor designers. We always have to see them in their underwear. And Ricky has another hat, this is the mesh one, I think that it is his dress hat for the firing squad lineup. Maybe is kevlar mesh. It is his branding. Just be done with branding Ricky, or maybe it's just they've done this branding to you and you didn't mean to be the hat wearing crybaby lingerie guy.

They are all glueing their models into their denim. I feel bad for them. Ten Hours! To make outfits. Project Runway is like more evil than 100 grad schools all lumped together. They can do that to you when you are lured into the prizes and the money and the fame. The Saturn car. All the Treseme you can drink! I would have been a bad contestant. Aside from the way I sew, which is completely lame. Also that I shouldn't ever get dressed or shop without a stylist. But also my reaction to stress in an art type environment which causes me to lay on the floor and go to sleep. Sort of like when I go to see a band. For some reason, dog showing does not bring this type of stress to me and I never lay down and sleep at anything dog related. The dogs are so soothing. Too bad they do not have dogs running loose in their studio but then it would be like UCDavis or CalArts and I am pretty sure they don't do that in New York City.

The skinny models trot their skinny gangly limbs down the runway. There's a lot of strapless type dresses that I am not sure how they stay up on all those anorexic little chests? Christian made skin tight size negative jeans out of jacket sleeves that are completely cute if you can wear a negative size. Someone that is in tip top dog agility shape could wear these but that someone is not me. Our demographic means most of us are over 40 and it is the over forty weight which is hard to get all the way down to size negative. Junior handers, take note. Then Nina is so excited because Sweet PKit makes a slimming voodoo dress that makes her model actually disappear off the stage due to becoming a negative waif. But that is a good thing so she will not get voted off. And she just happens to be wearing a non slimming tap dancing costume, and we are not really sure why. Because her husband's name is Sage? Ricky will not get voted off. They are laughing at him, he thinks it is with him, but the Levi's lady likes his hoochie mama dress so they can only send subliminal messages through their sharp shark teeth and wait til next week. He is still crying anyways. Michael Kors just wants to chew him up and spit him out all over the stage and keep his hat as a trophy.

Victorya and Jillian have a final smack down and thank god Victorya is finally kicked off.

Tim Gunn, you have just forsaken me.

Allright. I give up Tim Gunn. I give up Carson. Neither of you has been any help. To me or the remaining Project Runway designers or to the nude Lifetime channel ladies who all seek your help. We are all on our own. And you both used to be so important to me. I'm working without a net here. I may not be a specialist, and styling hasn't been my strong point in life, but I can say with conviction I am a generalist and I'm just going to dive right in here and tackle the problem like it's something I do all the time. I have faked it through worse. How do you think I learned to drive the horse trailer when I was 15 or just marched into that graphic design meeting with the fancy guys from a retail empire at the expensive Italian restaurant with all the weird forks and scared their old man pants off about porn on the internet? All in a days work for Team Small Dog.

Here is likely a common problem for many ladies like me in the Clean Run Magazine demographic. You work all day in the dust and dirt. Before work you ran your ass off with your dogs and it was cold yet you got sweaty because you just kept going, going, going because it was that kind of day and the dogs felt speedy and ready to go and no one was knocking bars or blowing dogwalk contacts. Perhaps even doing the teeter at far distances away flawlessly. Maybe you body clipped part of a horse during your day. You likely sat on some horses. You probably spent some time sitting on a fence yelling and making someone cry and carrying bags of feed and moving heavy jumps around. And then you are supposed to go out to dinner at 7pm and Watsonville is a whole world away from Santa Cruz not to mention it is after 6pm and you just finished checking to make sure everyone had on their blankets. You need an ensemble that goes from day to evening in a flash!

Hi! Run in the house, hug Timmy. Hi Timmy! He always recognizes me. He has to stay home all day without the rest of the team. I don't know what goes through his mind anymore but I feel VERY popular when I get home with Timmy. He is my biggest fan. When's the last time I washed this dirty old barn jacket? Left the boots at the door. No visible stains on the jeans. No one seems to have bled or drooled on a basic navy long sleeve t-shirt. There are some other shirts on under it. It is cold. You can't go wrong with 3-4 shirts. I believe it is called the layered look? Do we still say that? Oh wait, Carson you are not even listening. Let's just say we can call it that.

Add a sweater. Add the good shoes-Fluevogs! -note height difference! A good shoe with some height, that just smells like evening right? Even if everything else smells horse and dog. Add a sweater. Just wrap another sweater over your head. It is possible a husband is giving you a weird look but if Tim Damn Gunn isn't here then we're just going to have to live with this Damnit. Grab actual purse made by Dawn down the street and toss those small dogs a treat so that you do not come home to SOMEONE HAS GONE THROUGH YOUR BIG BIKE MESSENGER BAG TO FIND AN ANCIENT DOG TREAT AND EATEN THROUGH A TUPPERWARE AND DEMON SPAWN SMALL DOG BASTARDS HAVE STREWN ITEMS GALORE THROUGH THE HOUSE. Why do some dogs eat things like hats? Clearly because they are bastard children of zombies and have been born of zombie loins, all of them, to torment me and our troops in Iraq and the little Brownies selling cookies without trans fats.

If I had a million giant organza ruffles to wrap around my head, I would be happy to apply this to my head. If I had equestrian style jodphurs (doesn't this seem like something I should have?) and the best black fitted coat with genuine vampire collar ever, then that's what I would wear. If Christian could come over and show me how to stand better when I take my own picture to look more stunning and photogenic then that would help. If I had little sparkle hair things I would maybe not wear them in my hair because Kit Pistol is not age appropriate for me, but I would also not barf them up all over the front of an ugly dress just because I have the hypnotic power that works on Heidi and chickens and perhaps even donkeys that you want to teach to quit smoking. I just have my favorite sweater and shoes and I have the gall to throw them on over dirty old work clothes and stroll out the door to dinner.

Is this a problem? At least it is not a 30 billion dollar deficit. That is worse.

OK. Did you guys know I have just hired Mary as a consultant? Basically, she can just write this blog for me now! She also does photo research. Thanks Mary! If you can also body clip horses and wash them so they actually get clean and not forget to make the supplements, you may have a full time job!

Yes. This is the perfect dog agility wear and goes from day to evening in a second because you just throw the coat on over dirty barn clothes! You can wear ANY underwear with it because the pants are baggy and the top is flattering. I may have to experiment with running in the little '80's boots but I think I used to have those and run in them just fine. I may have been drunk though. A faux hauk is a risky look for me, but I think I could manage it if I had that coat! Madonna would wear this! So would Gwen Stefani! So would Kurt Cobain! So would Puff Diddly P Daddy! Thanks Jillian and Mary. We will assume Victorya (banned) had nothing to do with it.

Project Runway, we might have to break up.

All right. I sort of don't get it anymore. Project Runway was THE BEST. THE BEST thing of all. Like a close second to dog agility, Project Runway was. Santino, I love you and your ruffles everywhere! Jay you are practically amish and you had the ear muffs and now you are a plasma donor! Jeffrey all big swirly neck tattoo which was a true miracle since you have no neck, but you could work the stripiness of fancy dresses. Then it was now.

This is the deal. It is on after Dog Agility Dirt Night. You have a long day at work, outside, in the cold and wind and mud and rain. Probably you forgot to give some horse a shot. You rush through that last lesson to get in the car in time. You get to run the dogs! Even Hobbes! Even though your dogs have been locked in a swamp jail all day long. Except Hobbes. You have your nice dog agility students who don't seem to care that you are just like 2 steps ahead of them in the training of their dogs. And even if they do they keep their traps shut about the fact and just soldier on. You drive home really, really fast on the freeway where there is construction and you are thinking, if I was drunk and driving really fast right here I would likely go slamming into the white cement wall now! But it is to get home by Project Runway. It's just how we do things.

And there was a glimmer of hope. All these New Jersey Catholic School Girls Coming in to get PROM DRESSES! Hello! You had me right there producers! I've never been to New Jersey or Catholic School but I've been to a damn prom and this is fantastic! And we have the old prom pictures of all the designers! The trauma and horror of the prom as reflected in advance by Project Runway. And then what do they do. Just make a mess.

So Rami first of all, you wouldn't catch me dead in that weird old green sloppy turban on a boob thing. All his dresses have this vibe but it is fully revealed now. Except his candy dress was actually ok-actually sort of would have been the best prom dress. And Victoria, the leading dog agility designer at the beginning due to the arm holders, who I have already blacklisted, just like did this weird bedazzled thing but Delia's would sell it so I guess it was prom. Everything else so HORRIBLE! Like horrible, awful dresses. I can barely stand it. I guess I would have worn Christian's because it's brown and brown is the new black just like dog agility and also it is a known fact I just have bad taste all by myself if I am not working with a volunteer stylist medic so what do I know. I wore white strapless vintage to my horrible, terrible awful prom with bright red hose and white plastic shoes (yeah socal in the 80's and kroq and all that) and a drug addict 23 year old prom date and sat at a table full of 17 year olds and their 23 year old drug addict dates and let's just say what a HOOT. Barrels of monkey laughs at that prom.

And these girls all are acting like they are ok with their dresses, except for Maddie who had Christian and they had a little personality conflict, a little disagreement of opinions, and Christian retaliated by making a horrible dress in which he hoped to get voted off except for a rousing little Tim Gunn speech about soldiering on, chin up buckaroo and all that. He almost got voted off but instead it was the ugly dress of Keith who had a prom picture of him covered in bright orange fake tan and am I remembering this right, no girlfriend date just him? He's the one always making a big deal about how not gay he is. With his ugly red halter dress? Well he's gone now. Just a bad memory. Sorry Keith. Like I could have been outside in the dark working on Gustavo's weave poles. Or clicking training him to do something cool and neato but here I was, watching this on a couch with all the dogs on the couch.

Yeah, and by the way, can you see that? Yeah, it's a rat. That's what Gustavo was playing with yesterday. Nice dead, damp rat from outside. In the house. Brought it in, in his mouth. You ever seen me around rats? I have this thing. I can deal with a lot of things but not rats. Not in my feedroom, my backyard, my attic. Dead or alive. Involves screaming and carrying on. Tried to get the dog to take it back outside, ala "Good boy, go get your toy! What a gooood boy!!! Please goddamnit get the foul horrible RAT TOY OFF THE FILTHY YET STILL ONCE EXPENSIVE RUG AND OUT OF THE HOUSE!" But the dead rat toy was over and he moved on to squirrel hut. Other dogs, just looked aghast.

So I had to get a plastic bag and try to scoop it into it without touching or feeling it's rat weight or tail which was impossible and run FAST to the garbage without TRIPPING on dogs and clogs and falling down the stairs and run to OPEN garbage lid while still in running motion thus missing and rat on ground and quickly grabbing some piece of ghetto yard trash from my dog agility training speck and in the trash and there you go. Happy Saturday.

I might as well start driving an ark.

Oh my god. We are all freaking out here. Because there is actual water falling from the sky, and air blowing strongly over the land. I rushed all day at work yesterday, to get almost every horse out, because for the next couple a days it sounds like the horses will be walking (this is optimistic, you try keeping big fit show horses happy cooped up in little stalls for more than 12 hrs and see how nice they want to be about walking) up and down the barn aisle. While Ten Inches of rain pour down upon us all. I even gave up precious dog practice time so I could get more horses done before the rain started. Good customer service!

Did I forget about this water plummeting out of sky creating mud and wetness on all surfaces when I decided it was a good idea to have 4 dogs? I forgot to do the math and it was summer. 4 dogs = 16 sopping, muddy paws. One dog didn't get the memo that you go outside, pee or what have you, quickly, and come in. Waiting, in a sit, without moving, until your muddy and wet self is toweled off. Each paw included. Only then, move into the rest of the house. Oh that memo. Welcome to rain, el vato. How long can dogs go without going to the bathroom?

One of my students told me about one of her co-workers, another small animal vet, whose group of perfect border collies were able to march in a parade, doing tricks, not on leashes, then all lay quietly at work without moving until she moves her finger or something. Hate her. I see her at trials. She is a good trainer. This is while my dogs were screaming around the barn aisle, having been evacuted from their dog swamp, bouncing off the walls and just wanting to RUN.

I totally get the people that have the dog treadmills. I think I thought this last time it rained. Then it was sunny. Because all I am saying right now is "NO. Get off THAT! Leave the Cat Alone! Drop That! HEY! That cat is a citizen! Stop It NOW!" You get the idea. Little wet fur things running amuck. Can't they just pretend to be tired somehow? Have not had their long run. Amuck in my tiny house that had a clean floor just the other day. Dog toys. I want the poor cat to learn to come in the house. It's sort of feral. But I hate to see it all wet and I am training it to come in the door and set a spell. Various dogs are obsessed with it. There is either running and chasing and frantic monkey sounds in it's honor, or sitting and staring. The poor cat just wants to sit there. And it has 4 eyes on it all all times, just staring. And then the cat is bleating. And the monkey sounds. And the shrill bark of Otterpop the control freak. Instead of being a good trainer using this as a Training Opportunity, I just pretend I Can't Hear You All and go back to typing.

Like the day they ran straight into the Hershey's shop in Times Square. They all attacked the crew from Project Runway that was there cleaning up after the ransack of the designers and having secret negotiations in the York Peppermint Patty Pillow Conference Room over how mny Reese's Pieces commercials they will run on the Bravo Channel for free. Otterpop attacked the camera man and Ruby went after the PR Team. Gustavo just ran around and screamed and then Tim Gunn came in with Heidi and she had a fire extinguisher and sprayed all the dogs and they ran into Times Square and chased the tourists. I hate it when that happens. So do all the Project Runway designers.

Project parka.

Sometimes, this is just what I look like.

OK. It just gets so sad sometimes, that it takes me a bit to get over it. Not my damp parka.

Last week Marion. This week Chris. When little crybaby face Ricky is still left standing.

Does it do this to me every season? There are always the ones I can't WAIT for to get the ax, like how much did you just want Vincent gone last season? And Daniel Franco made me barf. I wasn't sad to see Carmen's hair go last week. Although, that whole thing with mens' suits just seemed wrong and evil. But still. Goodbye Carmen's hair! I am sure you are nice ex model Carmen but Goodbye your hair!

I of course, blame it on Heidi. She said Marion's ugly fringe idea was dirty. Bitch. I KNOW Tim Gunn did not want them to make suits or use neon colors and fringe. Not when they had to face vicious talons of snarky Michael Kors and Donna Karan and that other one, Nina. I think I just love almost all the designers too much and I want them ALL to win. That might be some of my poor competitve spirit there. Can't we all just get along?

I had sort of liked Victoria up until this week. Even though Ricky was being completely lame, her attitude was poor and she is so not invited EVER to join Team Small Dog. Even with the fastest Jack Russell which she would probably train so well to beat the pants off of my dogs every time. Take that Victoria. Blackballed as of now. Even though she was the agility favorite with her arm strap holder dress. So not anymore.

I think Sweet P is the one who we could use for a team designer instead. Thanks Sweet P! Maybe you could work with Santino on some costumes once the season is all over, if you're not too busy. She's got to have a dog. She is not super skinny and is ok with things a little bit baggy. She jumped up and down like a monkey the time she got her mens pants to fit. She loves Elisa, yet is horrified by her. (By the way-Elisa, Karl did we know her from CalArts? Doesn't she seem familiar? Or was it just a lot of people somewhat like Elisa and I rolled them all into her?)

If Elisa was a dog, she would be Ruby. Otterpop would be Jillian. Actually, she might not be mean enough. But she seems closest to being the meanest one, Victoria is too anal to be an Otterpop. Although so is Jillian. Perhaps there is no Otterpop equivalent in Project Runway right now. Maybe Kit if she was all strung out on meth and had a pistol shooting rampage. That would work. Timmy would be Marion (come back Marion!) and Gustavo is clearly Christian but he would have to sew REALLY fast. I bet after Christian has a few cups of coffee, he is a dead ringer for Gustavo. You know. In case I ever needed team small dog to do a nice play called Project Runway as Interpreted by Team Small Dog. And I am not damn Heidi. That's for damn sure.

These witches are just stuck in my brain.

Poor Ruby. Even though Heidi might APPEAR to be offering praise ("So Chic!"), her demonic presence plagues her in all walks of life. It's like when you just don't know when the demon is going to get you and it might strike at any time. I wish there was a way to strike the witch from her life forever.

Everyone has their demons. Gustavo still worries about pumpkins. Otterpop carries the weight of the world on her shoulders, and it manifests by her loud, control freak musings and uncontrollable big mouth. Timmy has to deal with the spectre of Lila if he shuffles around in the park, where I have to worry about the new official law of a $120 ticket per dog for letting them walk around there, like they all have their entire lives. Kaching. That could come to nearly $500 per walk. Nice!

I would like to see Hillary take all of them on. The State Park System. The City of Santa Cruz. Heidi Klum. All witches in general. Pumpkins. You go Hillary. Just tell them. Let 'er rip.