No beer or strippers. I think.

The clock reads 3:52. Alarm is set for 4am but I'm awake and the dogs aren't and I have to wake them up to get them out of bed. A first. No one wakes up dogs, right? O'dark o'clock and that means one thing. We are driving somewhere far, far away and trying to get there in good time so I am not jumping out of the car and walking a course and running to get the first dog on the line and the dogs are like, huh? All blurry and asleep and warm in plastic boxes in the car. My new idea is, just get up earlier and less stress and get there earlier and enjoy that drive through the foggy ice swamp, past the haunted houses with plywood windows, and not be freaking out over not quite making it in time to walk the first course. And there's even time to pack a healthy lunch and have enough coffee first to be able to actually slice a tomato with a sharp knife and not any remove fingers or toes.


Ruby, lame and not even running, she's the one bouncing off walls because I whispered the secret words, dog agility, she understands 3 coffee mugs on the counter equals dog agility car ride and oops, she isn't supposed to run at all, even in the house. And not at 4 in the morning. Gustavo catches on that There Is A Party, is what he heard, and There Will Be Beer and Strippers! With swingy Nipple Tassles! Um, not quite, but it's close and so he's up and ready and spinning in his weird little circle he does when no one moving at his speed of light, and only Otterpop is not getting out of bed and ends up being dragged out from under the comforter as I'm loading up dogs into the car to drive for 2ish hours, across the mountains and through the cows. Most of the drive is pitch black, in the dark, and listening to Bon Iver and the Eels and Dee Lite. Not sure what the dogs are dreaming about, back to sleep in the back of the car.


It's just what we do, these dark, morning drives, my time with my dogs, trying to do this thing, better every time. I can see the stars over the hills. In the dark, I think of these profound sentences and mind blowing ways to make my life perfect. Something about staring at that sparkly yellow line stretching out in front of me. Except I can't write 'em down and drive at the same time, and then later on, the drive is done, the air is light, and there's more practical matters at hand like, where are my pop tarts and my shoes, and everything deep and clear and making perfect, freakish sense is gone and I have bigger fish to fry such as, to serpentine or not and would ya want to use a rear cross in there?


Let's start off saying that Otterpop and Hobbes, we had really nice Standard Q's, over in the Master's Ring. Handled the same way, people who make fun of the little dog handling. Exactly the same. Gustavo, first time running Standard in the Starters ring, where the courses are straightforward and earnest, no complications, laid out as if by singing Nuns, took 3 attempts to make it through his poles, and one extended comedy moment after a wide ass turn involving us racing each other around a jump it until either him or me jumped it. I don't remember who. It was a bit of a train wreck. My dreams dashed of my super champion acing his first standard like a pro. Hit the dogwalk contact, although not how we practice exactly, some nice moments in other bits, and his very first teeter. Which was great once we sorted out his attempted naughty cross. A hard class to run first thing in the morning with a squirrely, wild runner just running his heart out, first, and doing the whole agility bit, second.


He had an awesome snooker, blasted through all 7's for baby steps of learning to SuperQ at an early age, and a great gamblers that even had a teeter in the gamble, right on that pink line, but some screwy, uncompleted weave poles in his opening. Earned a couple Q's. Jumpers, his first, and let's just say for now, last, off course involving his Best Friend I Love You Tunnel. Have to always remember Jim's words about some of the super champion puppies, foundation trained since birth. Don't compare, accept him on his merits and train his as well as you can. Gustavo, we work hard and we've worked hard every day since you moved here from Juarez, speaking only espanol, a nearly grown desperado and I love you and everything you do! He was awarded Cutest Dog of the Trial by Richard Deppe. Never had that happen before. Thanks Judge. Almost as good as having perfect weave poles.


Otterpop, you started out rough and slow and ended up running pretty all right. The judge in her ring, not a pushy contact aggressor, and Otterpop happy as a clam to run in there, after got over her morning nerves. That pesky Gambler's Q and SuperQ, hopes dashed, even with classy runs but just didn't happen. Otterpop happy to be out in the sun, rolling on her back in the grass, actually in kind of a pleasant mood. Probably gloating that Ruby didn't have any turns and she got ALL the turns, except for the turns that went to Gustavo, who doesn't really count, she thinks. Ruby, shuffled around the grounds few times, possibly confused as to why she didn't have a turn the whole day, but seemed pretty happy snoozing in her bed in the car in the sun, before turning around, driving back into the sun, at the end of the day.

Where there used to be blonde streaks, now there aren't.

The best part of driving to Santa Rosa at 5am is seeing dawn eeking up over San Francisco and the Bay Bridge. If you're brave enough to look over your shoulder driving over the Golden Gate Bridge. Do not drive off and into the bay. The worst part is not having an IV mainlined straight to my jugular vein for coffee. Really hot and delicious coffee. With milk, not half and half. But that's how it works in the glamorous agility commuter lifestyle. You use a drippy travel mug and look back a lot and still try to stay in your own lane and DO NOT FALL ASLEEP and the coffee is lukewarm and not much kick. These are the sacrifices you make, to get there in time for a nice parking spot and to get a dog measured to be short.

I like driving up to Santa Rosa. It's beautiful up there, near SF, not like driving though desolate central valley cowlands. Actual city lights. Can do errands in SF and stop and visit friends. Maybe. Unless you are just too tired and you don't. But you could, is the point here. Could even go get highlights or buy shoes. Unless you are too tired and you don't. And it's chilly there, and there are shady little pig stalls to park in and dogs can just sit in their luxury vehicle, albeit in a pig stall, all day and what nice exercise it is to run back and forth from the ring to the car the ring to the car the ring to the car for all the runs for all the dogs.

So to skip to the high points of the dog show:

Gustavo super star contact getter and just knock out runs. Did two dogwalks, and I would say his dogwalk contact was stellar beautiful gorgeous on the first one, and barely there yet still a contact with one toe on the second one. Insanely fast times. Every time I run him I can't believe how cool he is and how did we do this. He pulls you down the crate gauntlet to get out there, just bounces around on his own adrenaline, and yet holds a startline stay! For reals. Then flies around and follows directions and just looks like he's loving it. All streamlined and full deerchasing speed ahead. He did 2 classes, and yes it was CPE and yes the courses were super easy, but he just did them so well.

Can you tell I like Gustavo? Various people informed me he is a papillon dog of the flutterby ears. I am not convinced of this, but just nod my head and say, "Yup. Could be." I'm glad I'm starting him slow. Not entering him in a full menu of runs where he could lose a dogwalk contact in a day or lose the poles. Just a couple, for maybe a long time. Make it easy and don't let him miss anything. He's no papillon. Maybe a relative. He's just Gustavo.

Otterpop. Not weird. Not stressed out. And super fast! No judge meltdowns, just sped around like a champ and knocked all her runs out of the park. A good citizen all around. Although led everyone in howling when we got home. And kind of mean to everyone about who gets to play with the duck squirrel thing. She is still on stress watch but every day seems healthier and less weirdo. Our normal, happy family of dogs is coming back.

Ruby. A couple lovely runs, one out of control first run of the morning with a total flyer off the dogwalk and crashed right through the triple bar. One of those point hogging classes, let's just say ran through it with many points to spare. But still. Very last run of the day, knocked a bar, refused the a-frame and I just pulled her. That's never a good sign with Ruby, was one of those weirdo CPE classes where I didn't love the course for her, and if she doesn't want to get up on that a-frame at the end of the day, why. Yes, she got one of those Colors Q's we were looking for.

Some low points, because what is a ying without a yang.

Black Beauty. Poor Black Beauty. Spent a lot of time in the car, in a crate. Dog agility runs with other dogs, important things to do such as sit in a cold metal chair in the ring righting wronged bars doesn't leave a lot of time for chihuahuas. Poor chihuahua. Agility trials kind of suck for the non agility dog. Great for napping though. Black Beauty, very well rested. Took a couple walks. What can I say. Sidekick.

Bitching, sourfaced, crabby shit talk. OK. This was a memorial trial for a popular agility guy who tragically passed away. Maybe didn't run like clockwork. You get it, right, that the Management here, not getting paid? Not like the management of Carnivale who was mauled by a Russian bear and has no legs and lives in a puppet house. CPE seems to run different anyways, with all those different levels and some classes long, some short. But what the hell. A beautiful sunny day, and was even a special memorial award and touching presentation with a toast. Don't come crabbing to me with crab appley faced whining about sitting around and waiting. Go learn to work on a score table. Walk your dogs. Dust out a trailer. I dunno. Make yourself useful, crinkly faced complainers.

People with mean dogs. Sort of tight quarters at this trial. Not big wide open spaces everywhere. But HELLO. Never have I had so many dogs come nearly lunging out of owners hands at one or more of my extremely short little dogs. A cool thing of CPE is many, many breeds and many levels of people there, a lot of beginners. But seemed like a little extra in the cluless department of managing issuey dogs in small spaces or just remembering to do this. No one got nearly bit or anything. I always keep eyes peeled for scarey dogs because my dogs are single servings in one bite for a lot of dogs. But I always think of CPE sort of groovy, mellow vibe and a lot of so not groovy dogs patrolling the area.

I had this moment where I looked around at all the messy, unhighlighted hair, sort of rumpled. Wait. Didn't I used to get mine highlighted? Cut? Standing out there together, in the dirt. And saggy jeans. And weird shoes. And then I looked at mine. And my shirt that used to be my favorite but now has some kind of gum stuck to an arm and dog paw stains and jeans all stretched out in the ass. And totally realized. I am just one of them. Us. One and the same. That's how it is. New shoes? Let's talk goretex. There is not time and money for nice hair because of practicing dogwalks and teaching weave poles and spending the day off driving to the dog show. Maybe someday, we can have it all. For now, we are taking the dogwalk contact, please. I guess. That just pained me a little though.

In today's episode, we're just back to being a law abiding dog agility lady.

Well, that was all exciting and all with the Rangers. Trust me, you'll be hearing more about it. Maybe you figured out, Captain Laura is a little bit of pig headed about some stuff and Rangers with too many accessories intended to take me out strapped on to belts leaping out of bushes to give me a ticket for walking my dogs is at the tip top of my list. Pyramid it, stud it and spike it. I smell a courthouse drama!

Let's take a soothing break for a genuine dog agility video made by sticking the camera on a bucket and hitting the button. Is genius, my figuring out how to make my camera take moving pictures. Next thing will be magic talking machines to talk to Jesus pinned to shoulders like corsages. I don't know what this video shows you. There is no moral to this story. Wait. Yes there is. That Gustavo is doing the same little sequences as everyone else. And maybe is faster and turning tighter. Ha! Take THAT Otterpop! Maybe I will end up with a genuine trained dog one of these days. Although still has training wheels on his weave poles.

And I was able to put words on the video. Sort of. Genius! Next time maybe all the words will show up instead of vanishing into computer land. Or my purse. Where the hell did all those words go? And if you listen real close, you can hear Gustavo making weird airplane sounds in the background. Just like you were there. With the sheep.

More information about carrying heavy items than you wanted.

Over the weekend, we moved all the stuff from my friend Dee's agility field to her new agility field. ALL the stuff. My non agility friends, you would be surprised at the amount of shlepping that goes on for agility. Just to practice, you shlep around the stuff to make a new course or to put the tunnel here not there, and set your jump exercise, or change the a-frame height like you are a turtle being crushed to a pancake by your horrible, wooden death shell.

And to have a dog show, you get all the stuff out of trailers and put it out and if you are nice, you stick around to help at the end of the day and carry it all back into the trailers. We carry a lot of stuff, us dog agility folk and we sort of look like the kind of people that maybe are not good carriers. But we are actually strong and burly and I guess for us ladies this is super for preventing osteoporosis and probably forever deterring having pretty fingernails and will someday will give us all old hunchy backs of pain.

Maybe I rephrase. Weight bearing osteoporosis preventing strength training usefulness! Actually super healthy, out there in the fresh air and blood pressure lowering too!


I had the Big Truck, and we put all Dee's stuff in it and made about a million trips back and forth down the lane until everything was out of Old Field, Future Home of Mobile Home Park, and into New Field, Also Future Home of Mobile Home Park but hopefully very far future. It's a long story. It sucks to not own your own flat land for your horses or for your dog agility around here. Another story for another day.


I let Otterpop come help. Ruby and Gustavo, maybe not so helpful. Ruby just goes off in search of feral cats and gophers and is so not into working unless you want critters killed. Which, if it's just the gophers, actually is helpful but maybe not everyone used to her kind of help.

Gustavo, don't even ask. Not a real helpful sort of ranch dog. Not his calling. He frolicks and gets in the tunnel and likely takes himself exploring out open gates because it is more FUN that way. Like he is the Hardy Boys and solving a crime? Like he is Justin Timberlake and is a dance machine? Let's say not a big work ethic on our little warty face Gustavo. Not in the genes and spends his days on the ranch laying on a nice deck or sitting in people's laps on a couch and wants to Go To the BEACH!

Otterpop though. She knows how to work. Dog is a real ranch lady of a dog.


When she sees we're driving in the Big Truck, she knows we're doing something important. She likes to help by laying in the shade under the truck, and watching carefully, eyes all narrow and head stuck out long at the end of her stumpy neck. She won't come out of the truck til you tell her, and then she stays under it. I never really taught her this. It was a skill she came pre-programmed for and doesn't get to use enough. Doesn't work with regular cars in a neighborhood, just in the Big Truck at the ranch or like at Home Depot where there are other Big Trucks and other dogs like her. Because in her mind she is tank sized and rides up on a toolbox, even on the freeway. Like she wishes we had some giant ranch of thousands of acres in Marfa and had to drive around doing things like feeding cows or checking fencing and she would ride in the Big Truck all day. Waiting in or under, until something needs it's ass kicked. In her mind. Is convenient she can do all her work from a shady spot. Who am I always saying is the smart dog?


This was the last load. Equipment moving had degenerated to just throwing everything left in the field in the back helter skelter. Otterpop did not do this ass kicking. I swear. I swear is the last load. I swear.

Yes, you have already seen this but just in case.

Some of you alerted me to this video right away. Likely, this means ALL of you have already seen it because I am known to always be slightly behind the curve. I don't know our friend Jef here, I googled him and it looks like he is a pretty shrewd agility competitor, but he is a man Team Small Dog's can relate to. Although I suspect his training laziness is feigned and not so much Actual like mine. I do like it when he offers his dogs puppy treats and they run away to do other frolicsome things. And his potty mouth gets bleeped out a whole bunch when he starts yelling at his dogs who are so highly trained as to know how to feign frolicking away!

And all you guys are trying to fix me up with him! I already HAVE an agility boyfriend you guys! But I think all of you will like Jef's video and you guys can be his new fans because he is pretty funny. It was nice knowing you. You can come back to me for cooking shows I guess.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAUHqIWilrw

Our Consistent Handling System, Part 3.

All right. Today we were going to work on directionals in the yard using the tunnel with Gustavo. And he found bugs in the tunnel. And I am supposed to be more motivating to my dog than the other things on the field and than the frolicking border collies and then we hit this snag with crawling pincher bugs. Something was not clear enough to him. And he really, really, likes those bugs.


So we decided to come inside and watch the basic Foundation Video some more because clearly we need that. Today's section was on Wait and Stay, while the computer played the DVD with more tips on Front Cross timing.


And I was thinking how weird is it to be a sunny day, and my day off, and I am inside with the video machine on? Doesn't that seem wrong, like sort of lazy? Is dog agility a leisure activity? Is it a hobby? A sport that mostly ladies like, although here I am watching a video by my agility boyfriend, a Man? Making one or the other of us the Other? Should we be reviewing this from a feminist perspective? Wasn't it just yesterday I used I tried to explain it and might have even been using signs and signifiers, which are very, very, SERIOUS tools, not for a hobbyist ever to try. And are of course, from the French, not even the English. We don't even know if Greg Derrett likes stuff from France like post structuralist theory. I betcha he likes french fries at least.


And the whole crux of this involves play. Getting the dogs to play but in a very, very SERIOUS way so that they do not screw up at the Dog Show, which is really a trial, which again sounds very SERIOUS, because there is a Judge, who is in charge of the scales of justice, making sure there is a balance, usually a balance between good and evil but really a balance can be any kind of dichotomy. Crap. And wasn't it Derrida that always was talking about dichotomies and pairs, but NEVER Master's Pairs where you get to run carrying a dog toy? And how come I keep running into Derrida who is like the MOST confusing guy ever, when I am just trying to explain easy and clear and consistent handling? Like I can't even read Donna Haraway's new book, which even quotes Derrida but always in the context of dogs and Donna, she's a wicked front crosser, whenever she can with that speedy dog of hers.


And then after all that, this is what the real dogs were doing.


And this.


Oh boy. Are you guys beginning to see why maybe it is we don't quite have those ADCh's for everybody yet? Thank god I'm not trying for a PhD at the same time.

The Satorialist has snuck into my yard and didn't even get bit.

Do you like this website, the Sartorialist? This guy, we believe he is very handsome and smart and extremely well dressed, he goes around taking pictures of people he says dress nice. Sort of like the fashion police but super classy. Sartorial, who says that? Usually he just stays in New York. But look. He showed up in my backyard this morning! He says, "Laura, I want to do a Style Profile on YOU!"

Thanks Sartorialist!

Job?
Visual Generalist, Horse Trainer, Former Artist, Semi-retired Design Professional

Best Sartorial advice from your parents?
You are NOT LEAVING THE HOUSE IN THAT.

Style icons?
Sort of Courtney Love crossed with Princess Diana crossed with Roy Rogers crossed with Keith Richards crossed with I Love Lucy.

Describe your personal style
Sunglasses: Hopefully not lost.
Shirts: This one has a gopher with wings!
Polo shirts: I gotta get one of those.
Knitwear: Lexi once knit me a cowboy hat!
Denim jeans: Oops. These ones are from the Gap. That's embarrassing.
Jacket: I have so many jackets! My favorite one I can't find and it is brown polar fleece.
Suit: Hmm. I am pretty sure I have some swim suits from Old Navy but I never wear them.
Watches: I lost my watch a long time ago. Just carry my phone around in my pocket and try not to sit on it.
Umbrella: ???
Gloves: I wear black ones at work all the time. Some horse brand.
Shoes: Navy Blue Slip on Vans. These are the best. You will love them.
Fashion shoes: Fluevogs!
Sport shoes: You know those red goretex ones and everyone laughed at them? Also my soccer shoes.

I build my daily look around?
It is on the top of the laundry pile.

Personal Style quirk?
Brown is the new black. And then wear them together.

Most cherished item?
I think dogs are a great accessory and are they items? But I cherish them. Clogs?

I feel best wearing?
A skort!

The first thing I look at in another Sartorialist?s outfit ...
Could they wear that for dog agility or at the barn?

I always break this fashion rule.
Hmm. I might be breaking a lot of fashion rules, Sartorialist. Could you go shopping with me?

Never caught wearing?
Teva sandals!

Most underrated item in menswear/womenswear?
Navy blue slip on Vans!

Dress to impress who?
Well, gee. How about all those Team Small Dog readers who are looking to ME to provide some nice style advice?

Shine your own shoes?
I hadn't thought of this. Shiney shoes would be nice!

Shoetrees?
There is a tree down the street from me that they hang stuff for free in. I have gotten a book on trains there and a fur stole with eyes and claws but I usually do not partake in shoes.

Favorite stores?
How about ebay and zapposshoes.com? Oh, don't forget Target! We are supposed to list our favorite stores in glamorous European Cities here but we really only usually go to Target and maybe Urban Outfitters, the house of chintz.

Your next "must have" purchase?
I think someday I would like a border collie but I would like to get one from a rescue and wait til I have a bigger house. I was thinking it would be cool to get a huge box of plastic bags to use for poop bags.

I skimp when buying ...
Cereal.

Favorite item of clothing
Jeans.

Guilty pleasure
Are dogs guilty pleasure? We have a lot of them. Pizza? Oh, I know, Cashmere!

Cologne, skincare?
Kiehls.

Most stylish city?
I think they always look way better than me in San Francisco no matter what I wear.

When I was high school I wore?
Things that were either too short or too ripped or too long depending on whether it was my stoner phase, punk rock phase, or hippie phase.

Sports?
Dog agility man!

Favorite fashion magazine?
We get Clean Run and the New Yorker. Sometimes they are like fashion magazines?

Favorite vacation spot?
Panguitch, Utah and Tonopah. Here I think we are supposed to list our favorite European secret places but really I have been to Paris once and Tiajuana and Colorado, Utah, Arizona and Nevada. Oh well.

Favorite neighborhood restaurant?
We very much like taquerias and pizza. There are lot of places for both in our neighborhood.

Otterpop has saved the day.

So I had to decide today, what do I do? Do I just go to work all normal like Timmy is fine and dandy? I sort of have to. Work is work. Gary comes home at lunch and checks in on him, but I work 45 minutes from home. How about leaving early to practice agility on the way? Is that allowed? Doesn't really seem fair. He seems to want me around all the time and that keeps him hanging on. I'm going, I'm not going. I'm hemming, I'm hawing. OK. Life goes on. I leave early enough to practice some dogwalks with Gustavo at least.

Since it feels sort of dirgey and Adams Family at my house, we just haven't much felt like doing agility. It's really never been Timmy's thing, except for the treats part and the barking. Which is fine, Ruby's on rest time, Otterpop is Otterpop, but Gustavo. Our little Gustavo. This is what we know of Gustavo. I don't know why anything he does surprises me. Gustavo is just pants cut from some weirdo cloth that I forget every time the pockets are down at the cuffs and there is no zipper and you need to slip them on over your head. He is why we must try to practice. He NEEDS to practice everything a lot of times. Really a lot. And, to add frying fish to the frying pan, a friend was watching him the other day on the dogwalk, and noticed this little cute foot thing training flaw that I've created. If he flies down to the bottom and misses the nose touch, he slams on the brakes and backs up his back feet to get back on the board. Which technically, is an E. Not a cute thing to do with his hairy little feet at all. This was all me though, not him. I've gone and done it. Screwed up another dog.

So out we go, stop at the field and just gonna do a couple things. Left Timmy with some dog treats on the floor and hope he just falls asleep til the end of the day. I guess I don't really feel that into it, but I KNOW we have to fix that dogwalk before I am the laughing stock of the dog trainers for having such a sucky contact. I teach agility, for crissakes. The teacher cannot have messed up contacts. The teacher has to figure out how to train a Gustavo. Enough is enough. So, with a big sigh, I drag myself out to warm him up over some jumps, and he looks at me like I am a daisy or perhaps a carnation in a scenic yet boring way, and trots over somewhere and finds a gopher hole and just sticks his long, pointy nose in. Him, of usually weirdo antics, and monkey screaming and a million and one tunnels, is like, not today.

OK. Someone here must feel like doing agility. Maybe I don't, maybe he doesn't. But we always have Otterpop. Who sees me coming over and starts leaping around at the end of her rope like that thing at the Boardwalk that flies around in a circle and causes barfing no matter what. Flinging and flying and barking and bouncing. She sees I have the FRISBEE and just is crazy to do something. Anything. I see a little distance sequence of jumps for her, and with my morose, funeral director personality, can just stand there with a dour expression and stick my arm out and direct her through it no problem. "Jump," I quietly sigh with a roll of my eyes, like this is so meaningless in the big picture of old, sick dogs and earthquakes in China. "Tire," sounds kind of exasperated but off she goes. Hey, that's pretty funny. I can just stand there and barely speak and stick my arm out and Otterpop still loves agility. Let me go stand WAY over there and see if she'll still do this little sequence of 5 things. Out to a jump, jump, jump, turn away from me to the tire, serpentine back thru the jumps and I am WAY over there. Maybe I have upgraded to shouting by now and don't sound like I am bored out of my skull doing this dumb, meaningless thing of making the dog jump over some plastic sticks.

It's pretty fun. Otterpop cracks me up. She just cares about going super fast and doing all the stuff and getting her frisbee. Life is so simple. Which makes me feel like running and so let's see if I add the weave poles and run into it can I get that turn away from me from WAY over here, and I do and goddamn Otterpop, you are just cracking me up. She runs around with her frisbee and it is the giant frisbee someone gave us and she has to drag it over stuff because you know when she goes and gets it she has to come back over some jumps because she just has to.


I feel better. I go get Gustavo again and have him do some TEETERS which are his THING and he loves slamming down that teeter as fast as he can and he makes some monkey noises and then we do some dogwalks and I am VERY careful about what I am marking, not marking, and clicking, and where I am treating and the contact is looking better all ready so we do some poles and he is flying again and I run him through the little distance sequence although not with any distance because we have no mad distance skillz with jumps. His jump skills are weak. We don't have jumping at home. We have poles and contact trainer and you can tell. The teeter, I think I just made a big huge deal about that and he is a freak for it. And then he is going crazy for his frisbee, which he is totally clueless about actually fetching, he just tugs on it with his gnarled little teeth and tugs some more and then I am rolling around on the grass and Ruby is barking over there with Otterpop and now we are all having a grand time.


By the time we were done, everybody was in a good mood. Everybody just wanted to stay there and do agility and instead we went to work but we were in a nice mood when we got there because everyone was fast and crazy just how I like them (I even let Ruby jump some stuff very low and straight in a grid, she seemed fine and dandy doing that) and life didn't seem so crappy after all. Dogs just do that sometimes.

Proper dog exercise-a primer of sorts.

Oprah has a best friend named Nate. You know who he is. He decorates everyone's house in super tasteful yet distressed finishes and textural personal touches and you are like, not only do I want him to decorate my house if he can incorporate taxidermy and paint by numbers, but he should also be my new best friend. Maybe it's just the editing of editors, but he seems so friendly and nice on tv and would find you these great chairs and would be happy to talk to you when you are stuck in a traffic jam about earthquakes and fundamentalist mormons' prarie dresses. He has all the personal qualities that were my New Years resolution to have, except mine lasted only until about Jan. 8, and his are just part of his personality as portrayed on tv.

But of course Oprah snagged him first. And if Oprah wants you as a best friend, you go with it, because she is richerful and can have anything she wants. So he decorated all her houses and closets and her other best friend Gail's house and he is sometimes a charming sidekick on her show. I am not sure if Oprah is a great best friend. I believe she may be somewhat rude, and intimidates people into being her best friend, although she can make up for it by giving you giant diamonds.

I am not really a great best friend, I am sort of mean and not really warm, with a personality more grating than nice and a tendency to start yelling about off topic items. A charisma more repellant than lovable, perhaps more suited to friend of pet dogs. Had I the power to offer up giant diamonds, I could probably have a best friend. With my little internal toolbox of wrong sized drill bits, I don't really get to have a best friend. Am lucky to have any friends at all. I have friends like Joel Warner who won't speak to me on the phone. I definitely don't get a Nate. I'll just watch him on Oprah and wish he was picking out tiny yet resourceful furniture for my tiny house and it would magically look and feel huge and then he would order cupcakes from this cool shop he knows and we would take the dogs to the beach and not fret about tickets. OF COURSE he would love dog agility and we would hang out at trials together and we would both have cute outfits.

But Nate has bad dogs. Or they used to be bad dogs. Because Oprah used her powers to have Cesar Milan fix them.

I kind of don't get Cesar Millan. I've only seen his show a couple times; he seems to sort of waltz in, wave around his arms and talk about pack leaders and then the dogs are magically good dogs. He lives somewhere in downtown LA in a giant pit filled with horrible fanged pitbulls and dogs with visible tattoos who all get along and rollerskate around skid row with him. I don't know if he beats the dogs or what, but he seems to have hordes of evil dogs that are transformed instantly. So whatever. His show makes it look like all you have to do is put your leash up high by their ears and tell them you are the pack leader and they're lovable angels, so I don't really buy his voodoo method. I tell my dogs all the time I am the pack leader and only Otterpop believes me. Ruby goes and makes a sandwich and Gustavo is too busy running around the backyard with another one of my socks. And Timmy can't hear. But he is a good dog so i don't need to tell him.

But one thing he does say is exercise dogs a lot. I am totally down with that. You might not see my dogs and say, wow those are well behaved dogs. You probably would actually not say that. Unless we are just having a really good day or they are completely exhausted. So, to make them even borderline well behaved, I have to run the pants off of them. So do you see why I can't just stroll around town with them on leashes? Stuff them into a little fenced pen of bark chips with a whole bunch of other dogs? Why they need to go out onto acreage and actually run? Cesar Millan would agree. So would Nate. And probably even Oprah. Although she just hires a dog nanny to run her dogs, or buys them a ranch, or totes them around on a plane where she probably has a dog treadmill.

Hey Nate. Did you even try dog agility?

Dog agility hair styles but not for dogs.

I like Sarah a lot. Because even though I give really bad advice, she keeps asking for more! Thank you Sarah! You are my kind of people! Determined, even if it is just barking up the wrong tree! But will bark up wrong tree as long as it takes to get the squirrel out.

Sarah brings up another interesting and crucial dog agility problem. Hairstyle and lack thereof.

--------------

Captain TSD:

A potential follow up [to the useless absolutely fascinating fashion information post] would be one on hair management strategies for Project Runway agility types, esp for those of us that have medium length 'dos that can't do the wadded up pony tail action and have heads that are large and weirdly shaped so that baseball caps don't work unless there is no wind and you aren't running and turning and moving your head a lot. Backwards baseball caps work better but that is just too over-the-top jock for an agility girl, if you ask me. Barettes?

Clearly, the agility world needs your expertise!

--------------

Once again, I feel your pain, Sarah. I too have medium length locks and I actually do the wadded up pony tail action under the belief that if I can't see it, then maybe neither can you. But when I think about it, yep, the guy behind me in line at the liquor store can and if you are waiting to go in the ring after me, so can you. Although you are probably tugging with your dog or having it do little tricks, and the guy in the liquor store line is probably looking at the 25 year old girl that is ahead of me in a really, really short denim skirt. So, we may be safe but probably not.


I have a few hair strategies. One was the cutting it short strategy. Let's take a trip back in time, back to when that pink flowering bush in my yard was still alive. Currently, it is dead. That is me and gardening. This hair cut was fun for like 5 minutes, everyone said "Cute!!" but what I felt was hair in my eyes at all times and then you are doing a front cross and you brush it out of your eyes and there your dog goes into the tunnel thinking you meant flickaway. Don't confuse your serpentine with the flickaway, and certainly don't because you have a new hair cut. I believe I had experimented with some Miss Clairol of the Orange variety at this point in time as well.


So let's fast forward into time. Today for instance. My hair looks like this today. This is not at all a useful hair cut for anything except standing in front of a camera in the bathroom.


So usually I just stick it in a hat. I have a lot. This one is like a warm hat but also like a baseball hat! Could also be combined with the hair wad tail.


This one is actual baseball hat. Which is what I end up wearing at work a lot too. It is our summer look. Let's not forget about shading our delicate eye area from the wrinkling sun rays. I have not had the wind problems Sarah speaks of but perhaps I have a differently weirdly shaped head than she does. Or it's not as windy here.


When it's cold I always enjoy a nice beanie. I have a million of these. Because I lose them. Cold weather is our hair friend because it's hard to go wrong with a beanie.


Here I am about to demonstrate the hair wad pony tail. That is actually really hard to take a picture of without a helper. Am using great concentration.


Aha. Got it. A lady of many talents. But good hair is not one of them. Because I wore a hair wad pony tail all day today!


Let me just stick that hoodie back up. Um. Sarah. Once again, I'm not sure where we've gotten here.

I am not feeling the barettes.

I have tried headbands but I do believe these are a secret weapon of stylists and to look good actually need to be styled and the common, non hairstylist toting plebian should possibly not attempt unless you want to look sort of weirdly foreheady with lumpy hair sticking up at the top.

There is the potential of REALLY short, waify hair but then you have to remember to get it cut a whole bunch and also you need to have a lovely shaped head, not a head shaped at all melony or zuchini like or like anything from the vegetable kingdom. I believe mine to be eggplant!

To sum up. Did I give any advice here? We were supposed to be talking strategy. Once again, it is possible I have come up a little short. We will be sure to start taking notes next dog show we have, in a couple weeks, when we see some good hair, and get back to you with that strategy. In the meantime, just use the hoodie.

Everyone here can be trained to do stuff with hot dogs.

So the other day, I didn't go to a dog show on a Sunday. Actual friends came over. And friends always bring toddlers and dogs to my house. Because what is a party without dogs running through it chasing down toddlers who just wanted to eat their own hot dog. And because a houseful of dogs that enjoy chasing balls thrown by toddlers means time for another glass of wine. It's a crowd that isn't really thrown by occasional sightings of dogs up on the buffet table. They just fling 'em off and crack open another wine bottle.


It's weird, having actual Sundays off. We are skipping the giant, crazy trial this week called Haute Tracs, a 4 day mega trial with DAM Teams and like a million tries at Standard and Gamblers Q's. All the cool people take off work starting Thursday to go. We are not cool and have to go to actual work instead. And then I decided not even to drive up for Sunday. Because we have a curse at Haute Tracs. I have had Ruby come up horribly lame twice at that one and Otterpop just totally melt down once. So wow. Another whole Sunday of no dog show again.


I already feel a little left out. Maybe I'll have another party.

Teaching Go-a primer

I took the dogs out to practice before work yesterday. Boy do I wish I had my own big grassy yard.

I am lucky enough though to rent a friend's field so I can practice alone at least once a week with a genuine a-frame, teeter and dogwalk. I am always in a rush because before I can practice I need to move her sheep to another pasture, drag stuff around to set my puppy sequences, lower the a-frame, put wires on the weaves, and drag tunnels everywhere. Then undo that, have the other dogs do some sequences without wires and low stuff, put everything away, including sheep, and somehow get to work on time. My riding students are used to it that I am probably going to come flying down the driveway of the ranch late because I had to "practice with the dogs." Or fly out some nights at the stroke of 5pm because I have to go teach agility. They are indulgent of me. They are, perhaps wisely, concerned their trainer spends a freakish amount of time playing with her dogs, but those who question too deeply may have to ride longer without stirrups.

Most of what I practice is for Gustavo, since he's at a crucial state of his dog agility development. Today we worked the a-frame and teeter into a sequence, poles into the endless loop frenzy with tunnels on both ends, and starting learning Go.


The field is about 80' long. I set up a staggered line of jumps and an empty chute barrel and let 'em at it. There was a magic blue tupperware at the end of the line. I was tired. I decided everyone could practice just racing down a line.


So everyone did this a bunch. It was actually a great exercise for bar knocking Ruby to jump Carefully at Speed. And for Otterpop's distance skills with me layering objects out on the side. Gustavo, just running his ass off, and me running too so he learns I run fast, he runs fast, we all run fast, obstacles straight in front mean run fast, and there's never any not fast at agility.


So each dog ran that thing at least 10 times. That would be up and down. So 20 times per dog. That is 60 times for me. Why I look more like a post-partum pre-rehab Britney Spears on a bad day in the photos and less like a super toned Icon For the Over Forty Set Madonna with all that running is besides me. Let's never, ever buy jeans at the Gap again, ok?

Time Management for the well oiled dog agility team-a primer.

Lest I led you to believe the other day that I live a life of leisure, having all the time in the world to chase pitbulls down the street with boards, and run around after rangers like a paparazzi obsessed with their assault rifles, I thought I should take you behind the scenes to the life that is Team Small Dog. A well oiled machine. Maybe the kind that is weirdly oiled with perhaps the wrong kind of oil. But it is the oil that is like the weak spit activated paste that holds the dog agility team together to make dog agility function as super as it does for my team. Otterpop who barks at judges. Ruby who knocks rails. Gustavo who just runs fast yet screams like a monkey and plots escape from the xpen. Someday maybe could be a whole DAM team! Damn Team will be their name.

So you should probably know I have a horse business and I do not have my own ranch. Someday, you will hear THAT whole story. I believe it is actually called writing a book to tell that story. But I currently lease a very nice, large horse ranch that is 45 minutes away from my house to run my training program at. In case you are worried, I am a way better horse and rider trainer than dog agility trainer. Lots better. Dog agility is more hobby that the accountant has figured out how to write off for me. Actually, I do love teaching it too. But I have a little, teensy ways to go with that whole career.

So to get me and the dogs out of the house to work, is the whole oily part. Typically I am gone away from my house, and Timmy, from early in the morning til night time. And now with the whole armed Rangers in the park wanting to ticket me scenario, I need to get the dogs out to run either real early or to the beach on the way. And same thing on the way home. And if it is an especially good day, I could even go to practice with the dogs on the way to work. That part has to be the very oiliest machine of them all. So, come with me on a short tutorial of good time management tips that maybe can make Your Life As Smooth and Oily as mine.


Coffee is important. Actually, is the most important part. If there is no coffee, there is no team small dog. Getting out of the door is not even a remote possibility.


This is where the magic happens. That has to happen like early before running away from rangers, but after the first round of coffee. The magic used to happen in a special room called an office but that was before Roofers and Rain and No Time to Replaster. You all like it that the magic happens every morning, right? Time management, baby.


Packing a lunch. If it is a typical day, my husband brought us home pizza to eat for dinner at like 10pm or whatever ungodly hour we usually eat dinner at. And it makes a super lunch.


We also have weird food items in the house due to the no grocery shopping issue. My dad sent me a giant box of grapefruit hand picked from his tree! I have the nicest dad ever! I eat a lot of grapefruit right now! And the dogs can eat the string cheese which is a good thing to buy TONS of at Trader Joes. I ALWAYS make sure to at least buy stuff for the dogs. I am nice like that.


OK. Lunch packed. Time for dog pills for our Timmy.


Where is Timmy? Here's these ones. They are always milling about and howling and causing trouble but Timmy tends to wander and he could be anywhere, including stuck in a corner in a closet. Or under piece of furniture. Never, ever, lose Timmy.


Found him. Give him pills. He had a nice shuffle around the block and he is ready for his day as a stay at home dog. Don't worry. My husband works like 5 minutes away and comes to visit him at lunch. He is nice like that. I do worry horribly about Timmy every day and I hate leaving him alone so much but he is too old and demented to come to work.


Next phase begins known as looking for the keys. Every day we do this. Sometimes looking for Timmy at the same time if I've lost him again in the backyard.


In a door. Bad place to leave keys.


Dogs need to get in the car.


Get in the crate now Otterpop!


Mayhem in the car ensues as everyone is trying to get in everyone's crates and it is like Crate Games Susan Garrett! In my car and I just want to leave and they are jumping into crates like mayhem!


Have keys. Have lunch. Timmy secured. Cannot get down driveway because I have forgotten it is garbage day. It is just a tiny driveway and most of it is filled with weave poles. Which we did not have time to practice this morning, due to all of the above.


This kind of day, I need my special ipod soothing music. Like a playlist that is a mixture of Christmas songs by Andy Williams and Willy Nelson songs about cowboys. Works better than X or old David Bowie even for smoothing crinky nerves. Thank you for always being there for me, Ipod. Not like our new friend Bluetooth that needs to be recharged.

We finally made it out. I even had time to practice with the dogs. I did manage to forget all their leashes and they had to be tied up with dog toys and random pieces of string. We don't have down stays by two thirds of the team if one third of the team is practicing. We just do tying to the fence. But I didn't pack a piece of fruit. I forgot to email a lot of people and didn't pay any bills or register my truck yet or plaster my office. I have a backup of paperwork. But I did some crazy fast running super lowered a-frames with Gustavo and some fast little sequences based on turning Tight! with the other ones. And made it to work not too late although maybe forgot to pull someone's stitches and call someone's mom back. So actually. My time management might need a little improvement. Because we need time to practice those weave poles next time. Priorities.