Greg Derrett Handling System demonstrates the Threadle for waterlogged, rainboot wearing people in damp cashmere.

The Greg Derrett Handling System for waterlogged, rainboot wearing people in damp cashmere, a continuing adventure with Team Small Dog.

Part 3-The Threadle, De-Mystified.


Threadling is best explained by Derretts. In a pinch, British celebrities. Certainly not Team Small Dog. It's swingy, it's sexy, and involves a footplant. Wear your fancy pants for Threadle. Today's Threadle lesson is brought to you by Austin Powers and Robert Plant, who I assume are close personal friends of Greg Derrett. England is small. Everyone knows everyone there, I think. Righty-o?


Thanks Austin Powers and Robert Plant. Supplies needed for Threadling? Get out your treats, and your toy, and of course the Twister mat and ideally, a vintage Herb Alpert Tijuana Brass on vinyl. I like the Herb Alpert album with the naked girl sitting in a pile of shaving cream. It says whipped cream. I think it's shaving cream.


Use that one.


I tried to get Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, but they were in rehab. Also Pete Doherty and Kate Moss broke up, and Amy Winehouse tried to beat up Kate, and really, Greg Derrett. I hope you stay away from that lot. They'll get you nowhere but trouble. Poor Kate Moss. Maybe the Derretts can adopt her?


So let's say you are Robert Plant. Your shirt has no buttons, and you are running up a line of jumps, you are blue blue blue blue with your dog on your left, yellow yellow yellow yellow, and off to your right, and good god. It's a Threadle. Over there at red! And your shirt has no buttons. And she's buying a stairway to heaven.


Here. Austin shows you. You see his Threadle? Rrrrrrrr. Sexy box. 3 to 4. Classic. How you going to do this?


So as your dog commits to jump 3, you get the deceleration by Planting. You can wear a shirt or not, totally your choice. And then, here comes your arm change. Since you're going to be going to jump 4, you are going to arm change to your right arm. Down it comes, as if going to your left knee. Still with Austin, baby? Because Feeties is next. Off they go, backwards, right then left then right, cha cha cha. Cue Herb Alpert. And then left arm comes back up, and voila. Dog jumps over jump 4.


Um, on the Twister mat, that would be Robert Plant feet at blue-red, then the cha cha cha backstep goes red blue red. Got that?


Unless you're on your Twister mat this way. In that case, Robert Plant at green green, then yellow blue red, cha cha cha. This might be a little different than the way you learned Threadle. You thought I was going to tell you to Rotate! But you got cha cha cha. Because Greg Derrett has adjusted it somewhat for Top Handlers! Like Robert Plant! Or famous Canadians! Who may have had embarrassing flicking occur due to over rotation. So use your feeties, kittens.


See? You Threadled. Really, not that hard. No cause for panic. Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run. There's still time to change the road you're on. Cheerio!

The day that the despairs didn't let me quite finish up with the Greg Derrett Handling System yet I believe I can muster straight lines.

Part 2.5 but really, that is pretty optimistic. Actually, let's say Part 2.25.


Do you know how to do texting on your phone? I do.

I didn't always know. I would hand it off to the nearest teenager for a while, and dictate to their frantic flying metallic nail polished fingers. But I practiced, and I got better. There are just some things you have to remember. They took a while.

Like that the "1" key also has the exclamation point and period and question mark and punctuation was born to my rambling style, unpunctuated texts.

That when someone sends you a text, a little envelope shows up on the phone and it makes a ding dong doorbell sound. And that means, you are supposed to read their text, not admire the tiny little envelope sitting there for a couple days.

Seems simple and dorky now but it took me a really long time to figure out those 2 stupid concepts and now I am pretty darn texty. Like when you text me, hypothetically speaking, IS IT GOING TO RAIN LATER TODAY? I can now text back a snarky manifesto about how if I could predict that I would have sold my magic powers to Weather TV and I'd be a millionaire by now and we'd never have to worry about the rain due to my giant covered arena and actually I wouldn't have to work anymore so you wouldn't even be asking me this question and does that answer your question?

Also, BTW, any time you are having black cloud of despair, you can text HAITI to 90999. Simple. Easy. And there goes $10, less than the cost of one Masters Gamblers class, to the Red Cross in Haiti. The more despair clouds, the more times you can send your $10 text.

I would also say, do not try to train your dogs to be search and rescue dogs in 5 minutes. A bad idea. And Otterpop will eat the whole ziploc bag of treats. Just send your money to Haiti. Not Otterpop. A bad idea in a moment of despair. Because really, not a damn thing a lady here with a pack of dogs can do to help out. Except send a money text.

So I would say, if you are smart enough to figure out texting, even if it took you a really long time, you are smart enough to figure out the age old question so important to the rules of GDHS.

Where is the Turn and Where is the Straight Line?

Important because, if your dog is heading down a straight line, you do NOT get to change arms. It is too late. Keep calm and carry on until the next turn, where you will have an opportunity to change arms. Using either our pal Front Cross or Rear Cross. If you can run really fast, with your dog chasing your reinforcement zone, and you have lovely sendy skills, you can get ahead and run to Front Cross position. If you can't, hang back and cross their path, slapping their ass on the way over. Rear Cross.

You can't meet our friend threadle til I feel less despairy.

Here is the most excellent remembering secret. A turn has 3 points. One-Two-Three. A straight line has 2 points. One-Two. It can have 5 jumps, but if you are holding a tape measure where it starts, a tape measure can't turn. It just stops at the end of the straight line.

You know when you have the tape measure out nice and long and you snap it back? Straight line. You look down some dog agility obstacles as if you are dogcam and you'll see it. Jumps don't have to be arranged all parallel to eachother, either. The straight line is just what the dog sees.

Your turn? One-Two-Three. Points. Sharp and pointy and jagged points of doom and despair and the polar bear is floating around on it's little ice cube which is almost melting and he will sink to his death in the freezing yet now warming polar sea of too much water even though in Haiti, no clean water and the horrors. Really, really f*cked.

Augh. So sorry. It's just that once the black cloud is up there this starts to happen. You get doom and despair earthquake death mania and dead polar bears instead of sister wives. Will go send more text.

To be continued.

The Greg Derrett Handling System for people who may like to wear non matching plaids together but shouldn't do this without professional help.

The Greg Derrett Handling System for people etcetera and so forth...

Part 2-The Big Love of Commitment


So, I am a happily married lady. Have you met my husband Gary? He brings home takeout food for us because I have cooking allergy and mows the weed patch out front and always buys coffee and toilet paper. He prefers to NOT be on the internet, due to, I dunno. Is it haunted? Let's check. I do this all the time.

"Hey, Gar! Do you care if you are on the internet?"

He's not answering.

"Hey, Gar! Do you care if you are on the internet?"

"Huh?"

I'll just rephrase that question. "Do you care if you are on the internet?"

"Are you bored? WHAT is wrong with you? In what context?"

"Um, like if I'm talking about the Greg Derrett handling system and I'm talking about commitment which is when the dog actually takes off at the jump but I'm saying it's because you're so nice?"

The look is quizzical and perhaps, a scooch impatient.

"Like, for a dog agility thing!"

He just gives me modified stink eye look and off he goes.

Being unteachable, I always find this the best moment to say, "Hey, do you wanna get a new truck and a cool retrofitted vintage fiberglass dog agility egg trailer with a shower?"

He's gone.


Anyways. I can have a super nice husband. But still have a movie star boyfriend. Let's say his name is Keanu. A career spanning Bill and Ted's Adventure through Matrix sequels and all kinds of poofy, lite romance pieces of crap. And he's mine. All mine. Remember when he saved Los Angeles by driving the unibomber bus around on the freeway for 2 hours? Thanks Keanu!

And, most people have a rock star boyfriend. You all know my boyfriend, John Doe. He is totally ok with Keanu. That's how we do things on the compound. And then, of course, I have a dog agility boyfriend. I call him Bob. But you might want to call him Robert. As in Downey Junior. Maybe you hated him during the Ally McBeal years because of his junkie ways and bloaty face and frequent bad press. But I think if you met him now, you would like him better. And his slow mo dog agility brain cam!

Maybe I used to have another dog agility boyfriend, except for the potential confusing Tiger Woods scenario involving all these Laura's running around in California doing dog agility and if some are married to Greg Derrett and some claiming that he's their dog agility boyfriend, then, um, really uncomfortable situations ensuing at the tiki bar. Like just picture tiny little parasol eye poking. Not pretty. All the Laura's, we are all pals. No eye poking.

So I can tell you this, doubters, don't think I can't see heads shaking through the interweb. If Bob was doing dog agility, he'd totally follow Greg Derrett handling system. And I can tell you this. I am not now, or never have included Tiger Woods as my golfing boyfriend. Just to clear the air.

Sheesh. As IF I'd have a golfing boyfriend.

So you are sort of following the whole commitment thing now?


Good. Because actually, Greg Derrett, Husband of Laura Manchester, who we could call here Laura 1 or actually call her Dr. Laura because Manchester Derrett spells out MD and wouldn't that be convenient, has another way to explain commitment.

When the dog is lifting off to a jump. Takeoff, as we call it in the horse world.


John Doe is all, Huh? Why is this important to me?


Because your goal, in general, in GDHS, is to get ahead of your dog to help your dog find the fastest line. Unless of course, you need to be behind them and rear crossing but that's for another day. And sometimes, running around out there, actually, most of the time, you have to switch sides to show your dog the fastest line. We like to call this an arm change, once the sides are switched.


Arm change, kittens, why we need to front cross. Or rear cross, as the case may be. But you cannot be too sneaky and try to switch before commitment.

Where can a cross be executed? Anywhere the dog has a change of direction, ie, a turn. Can we all repeat please? Not on a straight line. Say that 10 times while brushing your teeth every evening. And it always happens as close as you can possibly get to the next piece of equipment. Beginning when the dog has committed. Not after. And really not before.


Why? Because showing your highly toned abs to your dog early can pull your dog off obstacles, and just mess the hell up out of your consistency. Perhaps even eventually invited the dreaded....flick. Did I mention consistency yesterday? Whole reason for these rules? Oh, just wait til we get to flicking. Just you wait.

To be continued.

The Greg Derrett Handling System for people who may like to wear skinny jeans and boots but that probably shouldn't be wearing skinny jeans.

The Greg Derrett Handling System as explained by Laura3 in English translated for people who may like to wear skinny jeans and boots but that probably shouldn't be wearing skinny jeans.

Part 1

Who invented the word skinny jeans? How much do we HATE the name skinny jeans?

Part 1, try again.

So handling systems for dog agilty, let's say they're sort of like parties. You might go to one party, highly populated by Jewish lesbians. And then another night, many tattooed ex Christian aetheists in 12 step programs. And then another night, artsy fartsy aging hipsters who do art show oneupmanship and whine if they have to drive over the bridge. Very different parties, yet you ask the same question each time, the minute you step in the door.

Where's the bar?


So there might be a party you would rather go to, but if you are a party person, you can get along with everybody and just do your own thing. You follow your rules of life and no one gets hurt. If someone shows up in the middle of the party with the most lesbians at 9:30pm, dumps their toddler in the living room and goes in the bathroom to snort heroin and then comes out acting weird and sweating, well, hell, uncool in almost any venue. Let's not cause a ruckus here. We're not at Burning Man. Don't go all bipartisan. Free your mind from hatred.


Pretty much, you can wear the same outfit to all the parties. True, at a party populated by dog agility ladies in sneakers, 2 people might ask you, "Did you come straight from work?" Because they don't know that vintage biker boots are not work boots and these are the fancy party jeans, not muddy work pants.

But I digress.

Really, they're not all that different. A party is a party is a party. You just go to the one where the scenery suits your clothes.

So GDHS, my dog agility party. Dog agility is hard to explain to dogs if you are a spaz and having a handling system with consistent rules just helps everyone be a little bit less baffled.

Most other areas in life, I suck at rules and can't follow and break them and got deemed the Unteachable One in graduate school. In dog agility, I am highly motivated to be Successful and am trying, really I am, to become a rule follower. In that vein, here I shall re-explain them all to you.

Shall we start?


Let's begin with the your first rule. The Reinforcement Zone. Let me show you.


Ta-da! Everywhere you would want toned pilates muscles is your reinforcement zone. Reinforce the dog here with their award. Let's call this the Pilates Party Zone, just to be clear. Have you seen my dog agility boyfriend Robert Downey Jr. boxing without a shirt on ever in a Sherlock Holmes movie? Reinforce that.


Guess what. There's an Opposite Zone. Here's rule numero 2. The Blind Cross Zone. Also known as the No Go Zone. Booty Zone. I like to call this Don't Show Your Dog Your Ass. You know those sweatpants that say Juicy or have sorority letters swooshed across the buttock region? Don't wear those. Just try to remember where your Blind Cross Zone is. And really. You should keep this as toned as your pilates abs if possible.

So when you run around, your dog isn't criss crossing behind you. Your dog chases you to see your 6 pack abs. And not your butt. Reinforce a lot in your Reinforcement Zone for best results.


Next rule. Keep your eye on your dog.


Both eyes.

Use the arm and leg closest to the dog to direct them. This eliminates arm flailing and the dreaded Evil Arm. Um, sometimes in gamblers having Herman Munster disease, I actually probably break this rule trying to accomplish Statue of Liberty Arm. Sorry Greg Derrett.

And finally, for today, face the direction the dog is going until they are committed to an obstacle. OK? Easy to remember for now. You can do this. Everyone taking notes? You have made it through lesson 1. Tomorow, you will be looking forward to the issue of Committment.

To be Continued.

Laura Manchester Derrett has Jennifer Anniston hair.

We love a us some good agility hair. Like you didn't know that already. So we had a class from Laura Manchester Derrett yesterday about double boxes.


Um. So a couple important facts you should know about Boxes, Double Boxes, and English. First of all, in English from England, a box is not just a box. It can also be a lady part. So if you are talking about Double Boxes, well, good luck with that.


Also, just so everyone is up to speed, in English from England, pants really mean underpants and if you are talking about pants you might actually mean trousers or track bottoms, not the pants you pull on over your box. And don't even get me started on fanny packs. You don't want to know. And you shouldn't. Because, good god, kittens. NONE of you EVER WEAR A FANNY PACK, righty-o? Let's not even go there.


OK. So all crystal clear. Where were we Laura?


Oh my. A whole day's run through of the Greg Derrett System, handling system used by many Laura's throughout the land. Invented by Laura Manchester's husband. Who just happens to be Greg Derrett. Used by this Laura, as in Hartwick not Manchester, who due to all the Laura's using Greg Derrett Handling System will now be referred to as Laura 3, and whose dog agility boyfriend will be referred to as Robert Downey Jr. just so we have no confusion here.

Geez. All this just for the quest for a decent front cross.


Greatest hits of Greg Derrett system were covered, as well as a couple new songs. And, my foot fetish friends, some of these are going to involve shoes! Here's the set list, if you can't wait to see what we'll be discussing in depth this week or whenever I get to it. Because Greg Derrett System, as translated from Laura 1 to Laura 3 via Laura 2, always a treat.

• The Reinforcement Zone and why we should all tone our abs
  
• No Go Zone, also known as Your Ass, which also, please tone
  
• Consistency except for when you are inconsistent which, not useful
  
• Eye on Dog But do Not Poke Anyone in Eye
  
• Arm and Leg Closest to Dog, for giving directions, even to Starbucks
  
• Face where your dog is going, except for when presenting your toned abs to dog
  
• Commitment we shall also call Liftoff
  
• Arm Change but don't change it into a toad or anything
  
• Straight Lines are Not Turns and vice versa
  
• 3 Footed Foot Fetish
  
• Flicking and Oh hell.
  
• Better late than Early due to, Oh hell.
  
• Positional Cues and their new little buddy named Deceleration Cue
  
• Robert Plant-A New Threadle named after lead singer of Led Zeppelin
  
• You should be able to slap your dog in the ass on a good rear cross
  
• Lead Out Pivots and touch the position stick
  
• Serps and is it time for coffee now?
  

The Handling Systems are at war and Gustavo receives a message from God.

I know. Everybody thought Team Small Dog was going to explain how to keep those rock hard No Go Zones looking just like Beyonce's today. Or threadles involving a gopher, a wheelbarrow, and a bucket of pudding. But wait. Change in plans. Who can think about the No Go Zone and threadles because when we were walking down to the beach last night, all of a sudden, Gustavo stops dead in his tracks, with a somewhat addled look on his face. Which can only mean one thing. Stump! Or, actually, garbage can! Or, message from the higher power and the higher power is driving a big white van and maybe has a message from Greg Derrett! Sort of like in Monty Python and the Holy Grail and the Sleestacks are friends with the monkey boy and then the talking ape is on the beach and so is the Statue of Liberty's head?


Whoa! Trippy! Actually, the van was parked in the parking lot of the grocery store. Like you guys are outside practicing your double box work, but around here we have to go the store after work and then run the dogs and we need to buy something healthy to eat because if we want our No Go Zone to look like Beyonce's, you can't just have quesadilla's for dinner every night.


Actually, we had quesadilla's for dinner last night. Don't tell Jay-Z. Wait. The important message about the War of the Handling Systems is to Help the Cops? What about conquering hate, fear, greed, lust, the flesh and innocent birds?


Have Official Handling System Representatives weighed in on this? Susan Garrett has thanked us for our efforts already. Not sure if Greg Derrett and Linda Mecklenberg are down with Help the Cops. And there's Marcus Topps. Where does he fall in all of this? Silvia Trkman? Do they have systems? Don't even get me started on Jenny Damm. There is NO WAY the cops need help with Jenny Damm. I am sort of worried Gustavo got his message wrong?


I guess if you're helping the cops, barking at Otterpop is a good place to start. She is probably planning something illegal. She is probably impersonating Sarah Palin right now in an unflattering and ungenerous way and should be arrested. Isn't Sarah Palin retired now? Totally ready to start dog agility! But you know what? Sarah Palin could do agility and she could even use the APHS and we would still be nice to her. We would lure her in with our niceness and then she could be arrested because she's been lured. Even though luring is actually not such good dog training. But could work for Sarah Palin. Is that like helping the cops?


How about Dick Cheney? If he used the GD handling system and showed up at a USDAA trial, would it be ok if a GD handler called the cops or according to Handling War Accords, an APHS handler would be more appropriate? Like you Oregon ladies? Aren't a lot of the Oregon ladies APHS? Or is it just wrong to utter the name Dick Cheney? Like sort of playing the Hitler card and cancels out everything that comes after? OK. Scratch him. Poor taste. Like he could even do agility anyways. Let's say Snoop Dogg. He's a little sketchy law wise. If he was at dog agility and started smoking pot at the gate before a run, who would help the cops? Do they need a warrant? But what if he supports the President's new healthcare reform?


This is getting pretty rhetorical here. Otterpop grows bored.


Here's how I can peak her interest. Just add the word frisbee to Gustavo's message from God.
Frisbee help the cops. Help the frisbee cops. Help the cops frisbee.


Uh, oh. Blasphemy. And the sky grew dark, and there was a rumbling sound and she had to start running for her life. All biblical and shit? Someone getting medieval on someone's ass? Otterpop needs to help the cops? Wait, did anyone even do a blind cross? Don't Ruby's good citizen points count for ANYTHING? And Gustavo speaks with God or possibly it's just aliens, but still?

An explanation of Greg Derrett's handling system from inside the handling system war zone.

The internet tells me a lot of things. High Quality Watches! Fast and easy way to enlarge your penis! Acai your answer for losing weight fast! And the war between the handling systems!


You see, my non dog agility friends, we have APHS and GD and the internet says they are at war. It is like Bloods and Crips. The Giants and the A's. Palestine and Israel. Everyone lives together in the same hood but they see things different and then they go to WAR! Since I live in a love bubble of joy and unicorns that barf up rainbows, I didn't even know I was at war, but guess what. I am. I am a disciple of GD and I keep a sharpened spear in my love bubble so when the internet points out to me that my leader and my dog agility boyfriend, Greg Derrett is flawed, you lookie outie.


The super cool thing about a war on the internet is that you have super experts duking it out with non super experts, crazy people, people who can't spell and pretty much anyone who has access to a typing machine that magically hooks up to the other magical typing machines via the magic of cables and super brain waves and rockets. This wasn't invented when I was born. But I would like to point out that cars definitely were. Although cel phones weren't. But the war can be fought here, in the bandwidth, and then you just go out to lunch! Sorry Bloods, Crips, Palestinians and Israelites, and all the other victims of dichotomies that I use here in poor taste. Your wars handled in an uglier and bloodier fashion and I will go bury my head in my love bubble for a while and think nice thoughts for you.


Done.


Every so often, I address an important piece of Greg Derrett's handling system here. I would like to say this is because he asked me to, but I would also like to say that my rock hard ass looks smashing in a booty butt bikini. It is actually because I am supposed to be doing some important work for work on the computer and instead I will address an important piece of Greg Derrett's handling system here.


Today, let's talk about how to change our dog's direction.


When I trained my first agility dog, Ruby, we didn't really get the whole handling system thing. We got about 1/3 of it. We learned many things together and some of those things, not so great. I just ran some courses with her today and while while we basically use GD, I know I tend to run in close with her and stay behind her a bit more than my other dogs and do a lot more rear crossing. Which Greg would say is ok, because he is super nice.

Tangent Alert!
Also, can I just tell you Ruby is SO HAPPY to still do agility at practice and is staying sound and speedy over 8" jumps.
End Tangent.


But a useful thing that we know from his system is one of my favorite things about dog agility. The ability to send my dog out where I want them to go, and lickety split reposition myself in front of them so they totally get it, nice and early, where we're turning. I am such a front crosser. I love to run fast and send and get my dog to turn so nice and tight and smart because I am clear and consistent! Because they see me head out there and they know a turn is coming and all they have to do is jump straight where I tell them and then turn where I tell them. I make it so easy for them!


I think I started to catch on to the total consistency thing with Otterpop. And then I started running Hobbes who is uber super trained to be consistent. And then I trained Gustavo who indeed, has been like training a rainbow barfing unicorn in a love bubble on speed, and had I not had a consistent system for him, god help us all.


When you're front crossing, you just have to make sure that you always get to the optimal front cross position, and that your arm switch motion is not giving the finger and please don't point your shoulders like a crackhead. An important term here is your front cross line. This is not a system you can color outside the lines on. Unless you're running snookers. Or gamblers.


If you are rear crossing because you can't get out there in front in time, make sure you are not running Hobbes because rear crosses make him sad unless they are in the place he likes them. And keep your shoulders straight! Straight! No swivel shoulders on a rear cross. Just step neatly across your dog's path and if it is Ruby, they will be happy. The other dogs will be pretty happy, but they would prefer you are front crossing them. Oh, and make sure no one, especially Gustavo, tries to go in the No Go Zone!

Disclaimers: In case you are from PETA, that's not a real gopher. If you worship at the temple of Linda Mecklenberg, Greg Derrett isn't really a gopher. I don't really have a sharp spear but I do live in a love bubble. And it's not my fault the unicorn was barfing.

Agility homework exercise, except maybe don't try this at home.

So I am an unapologetic follower of the Greg Derrett agility handling system. I also am an follower of the HBO series Entourage, Canadian heavy metal, and Keanu Reaves. Full disclosure. I use the system to try and be a nice clear and consistent handler so that my dogs don't completely screw up. But for years, and years, I've had this little problem that I haven't been able to fix.

Finally, the other night, my super agility pal and instructor and owner of Hobbes the trained dog who doesn't like handlers to be inconsistent or to screw up, he sort of sighed. After I screwed up again. AGAIN. I was trying to pivot in to CLEARLY EXPLAIN to one of the dogs to pull in towards me and not run out and take a jump I didn't want them to take. He sighed. He once again suggested, perhaps use a little less finger and try to actually pivot.

How many years has he given me this advice? I tried the exercise again. And again. He sort of waves his finger around.


"Not the finger! Don't give the finger."


I am always giving the finger.


"Too much finger, not enough shoulder!"


Finally, Rob is all, "You need to just go home and do this in front of the mirror." He sort of twisty pivots around. Like I thought I was doing, for the last HOW MANY YEARS?


Let me get this straight. I now have agility homework, and that homework is to learn how to get all twisty but twisty in a clear and consistent manner without giving anyone the finger, in front of the mirror.


I think I always had this problem of making teachers exasperated.


In grad school, I believe the term, Unteachable, was used more than once.


I believe Karl Ewald thought this was terribly funny, and then just had to start doing all my art for me.


In high school, I believe that preferring to be at the barn instead of the school contributed to a certain amount of academic exasperation.


At least I show up for agility class.

And I am trying. Right? Twisty pivot, right?

Our Consistent Handling System, Part 3.

All right. Today we were going to work on directionals in the yard using the tunnel with Gustavo. And he found bugs in the tunnel. And I am supposed to be more motivating to my dog than the other things on the field and than the frolicking border collies and then we hit this snag with crawling pincher bugs. Something was not clear enough to him. And he really, really, likes those bugs.


So we decided to come inside and watch the basic Foundation Video some more because clearly we need that. Today's section was on Wait and Stay, while the computer played the DVD with more tips on Front Cross timing.


And I was thinking how weird is it to be a sunny day, and my day off, and I am inside with the video machine on? Doesn't that seem wrong, like sort of lazy? Is dog agility a leisure activity? Is it a hobby? A sport that mostly ladies like, although here I am watching a video by my agility boyfriend, a Man? Making one or the other of us the Other? Should we be reviewing this from a feminist perspective? Wasn't it just yesterday I used I tried to explain it and might have even been using signs and signifiers, which are very, very, SERIOUS tools, not for a hobbyist ever to try. And are of course, from the French, not even the English. We don't even know if Greg Derrett likes stuff from France like post structuralist theory. I betcha he likes french fries at least.


And the whole crux of this involves play. Getting the dogs to play but in a very, very SERIOUS way so that they do not screw up at the Dog Show, which is really a trial, which again sounds very SERIOUS, because there is a Judge, who is in charge of the scales of justice, making sure there is a balance, usually a balance between good and evil but really a balance can be any kind of dichotomy. Crap. And wasn't it Derrida that always was talking about dichotomies and pairs, but NEVER Master's Pairs where you get to run carrying a dog toy? And how come I keep running into Derrida who is like the MOST confusing guy ever, when I am just trying to explain easy and clear and consistent handling? Like I can't even read Donna Haraway's new book, which even quotes Derrida but always in the context of dogs and Donna, she's a wicked front crosser, whenever she can with that speedy dog of hers.


And then after all that, this is what the real dogs were doing.


And this.


Oh boy. Are you guys beginning to see why maybe it is we don't quite have those ADCh's for everybody yet? Thank god I'm not trying for a PhD at the same time.

Our Consistent Handling System, Part 2.

So here is a nice way you can watch Greg Derrett. How about one video on the video machine and one DVD in the computer. So at the same time, we did front crossing review and the importance of getting your puppy to actually play with you and have a preference in playing rather than taking any agility equipment. And ate a burrito for dinner too. Is called multitasking and maybe is why I need to have so many dogs because I am sort of busy, attention span of a flea?

So the preference in playing with me means definitely as opposed to tunnels and teeters and it should be more fun to tug on the rope. Augh does this one plague us. Gustavo is a wild and wooly tugger, we practice in the house. We practice in the driveway. We practice while other dogs are running and making it SO FUN. But when hegets out there, on the field, leash off, the tunnel beckons and the teeter glistens in the sun and those things are more fun.

Back to square one. Because we want to be Consistent, we really do Greg. Because then I am watching your box exercise on the DVD and I realize I am devoted to your system. I am a BELIEVER! I understand you. I am a good Listener and I am Teachable! You are a front crosser and you have rules that are the rules I have learned and try to remember but sometimes don't. And you have your boxes set up on the farm, in a beautiful english countryside, and I see cobblestones and 300 year old bricks and I hear ducks in the background and sometimes a leaf blower, and every time you make a boo boo with one of your dogs, who both remind me of Hobbes, even though they're girls, the words flash up on the screen.

Great Dog. Shame About the Handler. And I know you are speaking to ME.

But Greg. We promise. We promise to follow these 3 easy rules:

When your eye is on your dog, the dog is reading your shoulder, NOT YOUR FINGER! Greg has said nothing so far about pointy, awful fingers.

When you are using the arm and leg nearest to the dog, it makes sense to the dog. Like you are speaking dog now and not some language such as engineering or critical theory. You are not using quotes by Derrida and signifiers. It is just the easiest one for them to see!

And being committal, and knowing when they are committal, well, that's just good common sense. No one wants anyone committing to anything too early or too late. Although it happens all the time. And if it is a movie such as Sex in the City, which maybe you are getting a review of very soon, we know committment to be a hard thing when you are rich and beautiful in New York City. Such is our life. Oh wait. Actually not.

So here's the deal. When you go practice today, you write down your rules. And, let's just briefly mention about where you are actually putting in these front crosses. Like on your turns, never your straight lines? Right? That one is easy to remember. Let's all recall back to Madonna's like a Virgin period and Like a Prayer phase. And she is dancing around and there are burning crosses and the black Jesus is crying and wait a minute, did that whole thing make very much sense? What would Derrida have said about it? Is it clear? Is a burning cross like a front cross? Did Carrie Bradshaw have a Madonna phase? Does Madonna live near Greg Derrett in the English countryside?


Well, look. Madonna wasn't super clear with her crosses and all and then Pepsi fired her and I think the burning cross was to make some big bucks and she broke up with Sean and I believe got a tiny chihuahua and that should be plenty of easy ways to remember where the front cross is (the Turn) so you can have it before the Straight Line. Phew. Aren't you glad I'm helping you get clear and consistent with your handling system?

Our Consistent Handling System, Part 1.

Look who's in my computer. My agility boyfriend, Greg Derrett! He talks like Kate Moss. He probably knows her. So the only thing is, my Agility Boyfriend Greg, in the first 30 seconds of talking to me in my computer, he showed me pictures of border collies tugging with frantic border collies running circles around them and said that by the time I am seeing this, I have trained my dog to always: Play Under Any Kind of Distracting Circumstance Because It is Highly Motivated By You Regardless of His Environment. Check. Hi Gustavo, we got that?

The the border collies are running around in circles while his dog has a perfect stay, and he says I have trained my dog to have a solid wait Regardless of What is Going on Around Me. Because the border collies are running and running and his dog is just sitting there, drooling at the thought of running out to him and doing some jumps when his Kate Moss voice says, "OK!"

Then, he said that I have taught my dog directionals. And we saw his dog jump about a course with him nowhere in sight but I could hear his sweet Kate Moss voice calling out, "Close! Back! Close! Back! " to make the dog turn and jump and turn and jump and turn and jump and he is sitting in the lawn chair with margarita. Or a pint of Guiness? What do we drink in England, Bernadette? And I suspect there are no ugly Home Depot lawn chairs in England but just lovely garden furniture. So that's where he's sitting with his nice English drink. Gin and tonic maybe?

You know what my DVD is called, right? Great Dog. Shame About the Handler. This may be painful. You know what? I watched the season finale of Lost instead.

These are not really supposed to be part of a handling system.

OK. I am not sure what Greg Derrett's system says about weird pointy fingers. I haven't gotten his videos yet to do my review session. I can't really remember if claw-like, pointy talons are a big part of his handling system. I am going to guess that this part I have improvised all by myself! There are so many nice places one could point while running around a course to indicate grass, sky, judges, parking lot, shoes, and ears.


Here is a nice picture demonstrating the sheer panic pointing finger. I actually remember why, I had missed the front cross I was hoping for and had to run this whole little section of the course with rear crosses, which I am convinced Hobbes hates me doing with him, and I know I did something weird, I was so paranoid of making him hate me, and he hit a bar. So that all covers the sheer panic screamy face, but not sure what I am pointing at to go along with it? Sheer Panic Gratuitous Pointing, not part of the system.


So I believe that my left hand is doing an out, which is part of the system. Hooray! But it is like an arthritic claw of an out. Uh oh. And my right hand is pointing to what would be a blue circle if we were on the Twister mat. Just sort of running and pointing and luckily Hobbes knows the system and is not wondering about where the blue circle would be if we were doing Twister. Will have to check, but I believe arthritic crab claw is part of that T-Touch stuff and not Greg Derrett Handling System.


I am VERY sure kneeling at the 26" table and showing fangs to the dog is NOT in the system. Like I am boring him into laying down and staying there with the sad saga of my front tooth. Wait til you hear that story. It's a doozy, but I won't tell you because you'll never come back to Team Small Dog. I believe that Independant Obstacle Performance is part of the system, and either scaring dog with fake tooth or boring him with the whole story of the dental fiasco to get a down on the table is Not Independant Obstacle Performance. But possibly not pointing here, may be crossing fingers behind my back if I am telling him some kind of fib that will get him down on the table. "Hobbes, it looks like you have something on your tooth? Like some spinach? Is that basil? No, that tooth, over there..." until the And Go.


Here is a pointing hand pointing at the earth. I suspect my left hand is pointing somewhere too. And Otterpop is like, "Duh. Teeter going down. Called Gravity, you knucklehead. Don't need to point at it." Gravity, definitely part of the system. Pointing out to the dog? Not.


Crooked pointy finger indicating the grass at bottom of entire yellow zone. Let's put that in the independent obstacle performance group. Because pointing at the grass at the bottom doesn't really have anything to do with run all your stubby little legs through the yellow painted bit. That is a lot to explain with one bony finger.


Pointy finger indicating a late front cross. Or perhaps this is on time. This is either a stunning example of my handling system or just really sucks. I can't tell anymore. I believe this is correct pointing unless Otterpop interprets as giving her the finger and gets mad and tries to bite it. I like this picture. It's not often I get to see Otterpop looking like a tiny, little pony. I can tell you I never, ever point at the real ponies though.

I am full of joy that I do not have a giant wart on my muzzle.

Oh Dear. I've bitten off a big chewy bite of dog training now, with my promise of taking you on a journey of Greg Derrett, Team Small Dog style. Like when you stuff all the sushi in your mouth in front on the sushi chef and he looks at you, and you know he's thinking, gross, disgusting, rice dribbling, soy sauce drooling lady. No free sake bombs for you. But have no fear. I have asked to borrow the Greg Derrett videos! Although, you remember last time I tried to watch dog training videos. Attention span of a flea. But I haven't seen the Greg Derrett ones in years and maybe now that I always sometimes wistfully actually remember to use my Handling System that I subscribe to I will have a longer attention span to better translate to both my agility friends and my non agility friends who I will reel in thinking that I have a subscription to a Dog Agility Boyfriend. And we will do it to sizzling disco grooves and we're going to have a grand time.


But for right now, can I tell you about Gustavo's wart? We pretty much just call him warty face now. Not that I don't have a Timmy with real and genuine medical problems that I should be thinking about, but disgusting facial warts are a nice way to think about something that isn't Timmy pacing and heavy breathing on the floor here next to me. This one I guess is histiosomethingnotcancerousprobably. I am very lucky that 2 of my beloved customers are small animal vets and since my dogs are part of the landscape at work, there is no avoiding vets for my dogs. They just think it's nice ladies at work letting them sit on their laps. So this kind of wart is the kind that most people start to freak out of the ugliness when it reaches the size of your thumbnail. Which is the precise size that they should start falling off all on their lonesome, sans surgery. According to the histiowhateveritis wart belief system. Vets learn this stuff in vet school just like we learn handling consistency in dog agility school. And all the vets I know were WAY better students of veterinary medicine than I am at dog agility school.

So one of my beloved vets is more of a surgeon type, performing important dog saving surgeries every day, and she said he could just come in on Monday and she'd hack that thing off and stitch him up. But the other beloved vet is of the Just Let the Damn Thing Go Away On It's Own school of wart belief. Which she says is hard because it's at this thumb size that people really start to do things like writing up little stories about their dog's wart and then not being able to stand the sight of it and getting it hacked off and stitched up. I'm tending to try and use patience and not looking at his face so much and just hoping the thing goes away. Dealing with nose stitches on a dog that never sits still? Who is getting ready to go on a journey of dog training that will turn him into a perfectly, well greased mini Hobbes? (Who is like totally the teacher's pet of Correct Handling System usage. But like a really cool teacher's pet, not one the other kids are going to gang up on and steal the pants of. )

There might just be this one little flaw in this whole plan. That I am somewhat unteachable. And teaching me tends to make things go horribly awry and end up with the furniture hooked up to earthquake machines and the paint all falling off the house. Oh boy. Good thing it will involve sizzling disco grooves.

Greg Derrett's handling system made easy.

So my non dog agility friends. Do you ever wonder how we make the dogs tootle around our little courses out there? If you are my dad, your dog is very smart and could do it without ever having to practice a thing. I believe many people have this view of dog agility. Which is fine. Come and try it with me one day. Your ass will be so kicked and you will be in awe of the magical training powers us dog agility people use to get our dogs to go over and through and around.

Some of us even have a system. Sort of like betting on the ponies and making a lot of money. Or sitting, staring at a roulette ball in a drunken stupor for hours at a time trying to win back your money. Using your system. I have one for agility but I did not invent it, I subscribe to the system of Greg Derrett. Sort of like I subscribe to the New Yorker magazine. They come to my house all the time, with their colorful and witty covers. They sit on the table full of important information and well written things that make me cry at the whole well writtenness of them that I cannot ever hope to aspire to. Sometime they are full of very, very boring articles that would make me very smart and enriched to read and other times with articles that when I do get around to reading them make me very happy I have read a Whole Article in the New Yorker because it was about monkeys or earthquakes or a chef with cancer of the tongue. So I subscribe, but I don't always utilize to full advantage except in my mind.

Who is laughing out there that are my agility friends, because you are saying, Laura, you DO NOT USE a handling system! And you NEVER read the New Yorker! YES I do! But sometimes it is just in my mind and not in my body and OK, sometimes I just say I am running fast just haul ass running but I am a Trained System User!

So let's meet my New Yorker magazine of dog agility. Hi Greg Derrett! Let's say he is my agility boyfriend. He is from England and has talented border collies and a beautiful agility wife. I know. Some of you are his best friend and with his wife too. And now you will go and tell him I said that he's my agility boyfriend. That's fine. When I see Gwen Stefani I'll tell her you told me she is your Rock Star Girlfriend. We'll be even. But here's how I shall explain his handling system to you, my non agility friends who think perhaps I should be spending more time doing activities that are not dog agility. Let's put out the Twister mat, shall we?


All right. Stand facing me. Right foot on blue, left foot on yellow. We see a discrimination-aframe on the right, tunnel on the left. Right shoulder bends down to yellow, left hand down at side pointing towards yellow foot. Give shoulder, not the finger people! The technical term for this move is called Special Occasion Hand. Save it for the special occassion of the inside thing of the discrimination when you are worried over crossing a refusal line!

Easy, right?


OK. Both feet on blue now. You are driving at that aframe and you want the tunnel! Left hand out, over blues now up towards yellow and over green! Nice job! Tunnel not aframe! You just used Damn Thing Away From Me Arm! This should work from far distances if you are a good subscriber!


Now. Stick your dog on yellow, yellow blue blue next to you. We are going to threadle. You are on blue blue. Ready? Left foot up to yellow. Left hand and shoulder move inward, down towards the yellow on the right. Rotate! Right foot to red, hurry! Shoulder not finger again, right? Don't flick away! Yellow! Get to Yellow! Wait, Blue!! I said rotate. We use this threadle all the time. Not to be confused with twizzle.

OK. I could go on for hours here but you sort of get it, right? Are you subscribing? I am actually going to Review My Handling System this month since there are no dog shows for us until Fourth of July. Staying home to get Ruby back to herself and have some more time with Timmy. Do some actual jump training with Gustavo. It is going to be Consistency Time for Real, a Journey into Better Dog Agility and I am bringing all of you with me.