Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Derrett System and Threadling redux as retold without proper amount of caffeination.

Oh my. We were a pathetic lot on Monday night. So uniformly so that it was frightening. Our focus topic was Serpentine and Threadle. Something we are all quite well versed in at this stage in our lives, sort of like taking a course in Washer and Dryer, or Hair Bands of the '80's. Everybody KNOWS these things. A topic that should not be cause for dog agility disaster.

But there was flailing and forgetting and flicking and double pointing and backy upping and numerous other sins of dog agility happening all around. If everyone there was like me, they must have all forgot to make their giant coffee for the freeway ride to class. I know that was the tip of my iceberg. I did a lot of gazing about at the sky and at the carpeting of bark chips, dreaming of coffee between my turns. It's the little things.

I didn't even take notes. When I went out to the car to dig around for a pen all I found was the chapstick I lost last summer and an old, oozy stick of string cheese. So I may be a bit hazy, but if I'm correct here though, I believe what we learned was the preferred threadle move in Derrett Handling System is now called Stork. This is easy friends. We don't even need Twister to explain.

Everybody up now, you need to be standing to do this. Wear comfortable trousers. But not so comfortable you are showing everybody your Blind Cross Crack. That is a No Go Zone.

Left Stork. Face away from the computer, left foot up, left hand pointing at your Pleasure Zone. It gets a bit disco for the moment now, hustle steps back with your left foot, quickly now and then right hand flies through the wind like the egret in flight. Your hands should move gracefully and shove that toy in your dogs mouth as they are in mid flight. No matter how bad it hurts.

Good. Right Stork now. Face away from the computer, right foot up, right hand pointing at your Happy Zone. Never, ever confuse your Happy Zone with your No Go Zone. I mean, you can, I guess. Who am I to judge. I am addressing a wide audience here. But then you won't even be in Stork anymore and by now your dog is in the left side of the tunnel so just point, damnit. Down. Pleasure zone. One hand. Point with one hand.

Are you pointing? Can you envision the birds, grasshoppers? The grace and balance of the one legged stork, poised for attack. I think storks attack, right? They are sort of the giant, silent killers of the bird world? It's a fleeting moment, before a tiny little disco moment, little hustle steps. Without spinning. Don't spin. The dogs are confused enough as it is. Quickly bring left hand back up, and off they go.

I'm just passing along what I heard. It's possible some of it is muddled. The coffee issue. Hope this helps, top handlers! Good luck storking.


Friday, January 22, 2010

Greg Derrett Handling System demonstrates the Threadle for waterlogged, rainboot wearing people in damp cashmere.

The Greg Derrett Handling System for waterlogged, rainboot wearing people in damp cashmere, a continuing adventure with Team Small Dog.

Part 3-The Threadle, De-Mystified.

Threadling is best explained by Derretts. In a pinch, British celebrities. Certainly not Team Small Dog. It's swingy, it's sexy, and involves a footplant. Wear your fancy pants for Threadle. Today's Threadle lesson is brought to you by Austin Powers and Robert Plant, who I assume are close personal friends of Greg Derrett. England is small. Everyone knows everyone there, I think. Righty-o?

Thanks Austin Powers and Robert Plant. Supplies needed for Threadling? Get out your treats, and your toy, and of course the Twister mat and ideally, a vintage Herb Alpert Tijuana Brass on vinyl. I like the Herb Alpert album with the naked girl sitting in a pile of shaving cream. It says whipped cream. I think it's shaving cream.

Use that one.

I tried to get Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, but they were in rehab. Also Pete Doherty and Kate Moss broke up, and Amy Winehouse tried to beat up Kate, and really, Greg Derrett. I hope you stay away from that lot. They'll get you nowhere but trouble. Poor Kate Moss. Maybe the Derretts can adopt her?

So let's say you are Robert Plant. Your shirt has no buttons, and you are running up a line of jumps, you are blue blue blue blue with your dog on your left, yellow yellow yellow yellow, and off to your right, and good god. It's a Threadle. Over there at red! And your shirt has no buttons. And she's buying a stairway to heaven.

Here. Austin shows you. You see his Threadle? Rrrrrrrr. Sexy box. 3 to 4. Classic. How you going to do this?

So as your dog commits to jump 3, you get the deceleration by Planting. You can wear a shirt or not, totally your choice. And then, here comes your arm change. Since you're going to be going to jump 4, you are going to arm change to your right arm. Down it comes, as if going to your left knee. Still with Austin, baby? Because Feeties is next. Off they go, backwards, right then left then right, cha cha cha. Cue Herb Alpert. And then left arm comes back up, and voila. Dog jumps over jump 4.

Um, on the Twister mat, that would be Robert Plant feet at blue-red, then the cha cha cha backstep goes red blue red. Got that?

Unless you're on your Twister mat this way. In that case, Robert Plant at green green, then yellow blue red, cha cha cha. This might be a little different than the way you learned Threadle. You thought I was going to tell you to Rotate! But you got cha cha cha. Because Greg Derrett has adjusted it somewhat for Top Handlers! Like Robert Plant! Or famous Canadians! Who may have had embarrassing flicking occur due to over rotation. So use your feeties, kittens.

See? You Threadled. Really, not that hard. No cause for panic. Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run. There's still time to change the road you're on. Cheerio!


Friday, January 15, 2010

The day that the despairs didn't let me quite finish up with the Greg Derrett Handling System yet I believe I can muster straight lines.

Part 2.5 but really, that is pretty optimistic. Actually, let's say Part 2.25.

Do you know how to do texting on your phone? I do.

I didn't always know. I would hand it off to the nearest teenager for a while, and dictate to their frantic flying metallic nail polished fingers. But I practiced, and I got better. There are just some things you have to remember. They took a while.

Like that the "1" key also has the exclamation point and period and question mark and punctuation was born to my rambling style, unpunctuated texts.

That when someone sends you a text, a little envelope shows up on the phone and it makes a ding dong doorbell sound. And that means, you are supposed to read their text, not admire the tiny little envelope sitting there for a couple days.

Seems simple and dorky now but it took me a really long time to figure out those 2 stupid concepts and now I am pretty darn texty. Like when you text me, hypothetically speaking, IS IT GOING TO RAIN LATER TODAY? I can now text back a snarky manifesto about how if I could predict that I would have sold my magic powers to Weather TV and I'd be a millionaire by now and we'd never have to worry about the rain due to my giant covered arena and actually I wouldn't have to work anymore so you wouldn't even be asking me this question and does that answer your question?

Also, BTW, any time you are having black cloud of despair, you can text HAITI to 90999. Simple. Easy. And there goes $10, less than the cost of one Masters Gamblers class, to the Red Cross in Haiti. The more despair clouds, the more times you can send your $10 text.

I would also say, do not try to train your dogs to be search and rescue dogs in 5 minutes. A bad idea. And Otterpop will eat the whole ziploc bag of treats. Just send your money to Haiti. Not Otterpop. A bad idea in a moment of despair. Because really, not a damn thing a lady here with a pack of dogs can do to help out. Except send a money text.

So I would say, if you are smart enough to figure out texting, even if it took you a really long time, you are smart enough to figure out the age old question so important to the rules of GDHS.

Where is the Turn and Where is the Straight Line?

Important because, if your dog is heading down a straight line, you do NOT get to change arms. It is too late. Keep calm and carry on until the next turn, where you will have an opportunity to change arms. Using either our pal Front Cross or Rear Cross. If you can run really fast, with your dog chasing your reinforcement zone, and you have lovely sendy skills, you can get ahead and run to Front Cross position. If you can't, hang back and cross their path, slapping their ass on the way over. Rear Cross.

You can't meet our friend threadle til I feel less despairy.

Here is the most excellent remembering secret. A turn has 3 points. One-Two-Three. A straight line has 2 points. One-Two. It can have 5 jumps, but if you are holding a tape measure where it starts, a tape measure can't turn. It just stops at the end of the straight line.

You know when you have the tape measure out nice and long and you snap it back? Straight line. You look down some dog agility obstacles as if you are dogcam and you'll see it. Jumps don't have to be arranged all parallel to eachother, either. The straight line is just what the dog sees.

Your turn? One-Two-Three. Points. Sharp and pointy and jagged points of doom and despair and the polar bear is floating around on it's little ice cube which is almost melting and he will sink to his death in the freezing yet now warming polar sea of too much water even though in Haiti, no clean water and the horrors. Really, really f*cked.

Augh. So sorry. It's just that once the black cloud is up there this starts to happen. You get doom and despair earthquake death mania and dead polar bears instead of sister wives. Will go send more text.

To be continued.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Greg Derrett Handling System for people who may like to wear non matching plaids together but shouldn't do this without professional help.

The Greg Derrett Handling System for people etcetera and so forth...

Part 2-The Big Love of Commitment

So, I am a happily married lady. Have you met my husband Gary? He brings home takeout food for us because I have cooking allergy and mows the weed patch out front and always buys coffee and toilet paper. He prefers to NOT be on the internet, due to, I dunno. Is it haunted? Let's check. I do this all the time.

"Hey, Gar! Do you care if you are on the internet?"

He's not answering.

"Hey, Gar! Do you care if you are on the internet?"


I'll just rephrase that question. "Do you care if you are on the internet?"

"Are you bored? WHAT is wrong with you? In what context?"

"Um, like if I'm talking about the Greg Derrett handling system and I'm talking about commitment which is when the dog actually takes off at the jump but I'm saying it's because you're so nice?"

The look is quizzical and perhaps, a scooch impatient.

"Like, for a dog agility thing!"

He just gives me modified stink eye look and off he goes.

Being unteachable, I always find this the best moment to say, "Hey, do you wanna get a new truck and a cool retrofitted vintage fiberglass dog agility egg trailer with a shower?"

He's gone.

Anyways. I can have a super nice husband. But still have a movie star boyfriend. Let's say his name is Keanu. A career spanning Bill and Ted's Adventure through Matrix sequels and all kinds of poofy, lite romance pieces of crap. And he's mine. All mine. Remember when he saved Los Angeles by driving the unibomber bus around on the freeway for 2 hours? Thanks Keanu!

And, most people have a rock star boyfriend. You all know my boyfriend, John Doe. He is totally ok with Keanu. That's how we do things on the compound. And then, of course, I have a dog agility boyfriend. I call him Bob. But you might want to call him Robert. As in Downey Junior. Maybe you hated him during the Ally McBeal years because of his junkie ways and bloaty face and frequent bad press. But I think if you met him now, you would like him better. And his slow mo dog agility brain cam!

Maybe I used to have another dog agility boyfriend, except for the potential confusing Tiger Woods scenario involving all these Laura's running around in California doing dog agility and if some are married to Greg Derrett and some claiming that he's their dog agility boyfriend, then, um, really uncomfortable situations ensuing at the tiki bar. Like just picture tiny little parasol eye poking. Not pretty. All the Laura's, we are all pals. No eye poking.

So I can tell you this, doubters, don't think I can't see heads shaking through the interweb. If Bob was doing dog agility, he'd totally follow Greg Derrett handling system. And I can tell you this. I am not now, or never have included Tiger Woods as my golfing boyfriend. Just to clear the air.

Sheesh. As IF I'd have a golfing boyfriend.

So you are sort of following the whole commitment thing now?

Good. Because actually, Greg Derrett, Husband of Laura Manchester, who we could call here Laura 1 or actually call her Dr. Laura because Manchester Derrett spells out MD and wouldn't that be convenient, has another way to explain commitment.

When the dog is lifting off to a jump. Takeoff, as we call it in the horse world.

John Doe is all, Huh? Why is this important to me?

Because your goal, in general, in GDHS, is to get ahead of your dog to help your dog find the fastest line. Unless of course, you need to be behind them and rear crossing but that's for another day. And sometimes, running around out there, actually, most of the time, you have to switch sides to show your dog the fastest line. We like to call this an arm change, once the sides are switched.

Arm change, kittens, why we need to front cross. Or rear cross, as the case may be. But you cannot be too sneaky and try to switch before commitment.

Where can a cross be executed? Anywhere the dog has a change of direction, ie, a turn. Can we all repeat please? Not on a straight line. Say that 10 times while brushing your teeth every evening. And it always happens as close as you can possibly get to the next piece of equipment. Beginning when the dog has committed. Not after. And really not before.

Why? Because showing your highly toned abs to your dog early can pull your dog off obstacles, and just mess the hell up out of your consistency. Perhaps even eventually invited the dreaded....flick. Did I mention consistency yesterday? Whole reason for these rules? Oh, just wait til we get to flicking. Just you wait.

To be continued.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Greg Derrett Handling System for people who may like to wear skinny jeans and boots but that probably shouldn't be wearing skinny jeans.

The Greg Derrett Handling System as explained by Laura3 in English translated for people who may like to wear skinny jeans and boots but that probably shouldn't be wearing skinny jeans.

Part 1

Who invented the word skinny jeans? How much do we HATE the name skinny jeans?

Part 1, try again.

So handling systems for dog agilty, let's say they're sort of like parties. You might go to one party, highly populated by Jewish lesbians. And then another night, many tattooed ex Christian aetheists in 12 step programs. And then another night, artsy fartsy aging hipsters who do art show oneupmanship and whine if they have to drive over the bridge. Very different parties, yet you ask the same question each time, the minute you step in the door.

Where's the bar?

So there might be a party you would rather go to, but if you are a party person, you can get along with everybody and just do your own thing. You follow your rules of life and no one gets hurt. If someone shows up in the middle of the party with the most lesbians at 9:30pm, dumps their toddler in the living room and goes in the bathroom to snort heroin and then comes out acting weird and sweating, well, hell, uncool in almost any venue. Let's not cause a ruckus here. We're not at Burning Man. Don't go all bipartisan. Free your mind from hatred.

Pretty much, you can wear the same outfit to all the parties. True, at a party populated by dog agility ladies in sneakers, 2 people might ask you, "Did you come straight from work?" Because they don't know that vintage biker boots are not work boots and these are the fancy party jeans, not muddy work pants.

But I digress.

Really, they're not all that different. A party is a party is a party. You just go to the one where the scenery suits your clothes.

So GDHS, my dog agility party. Dog agility is hard to explain to dogs if you are a spaz and having a handling system with consistent rules just helps everyone be a little bit less baffled.

Most other areas in life, I suck at rules and can't follow and break them and got deemed the Unteachable One in graduate school. In dog agility, I am highly motivated to be Successful and am trying, really I am, to become a rule follower. In that vein, here I shall re-explain them all to you.

Shall we start?

Let's begin with the your first rule. The Reinforcement Zone. Let me show you.

Ta-da! Everywhere you would want toned pilates muscles is your reinforcement zone. Reinforce the dog here with their award. Let's call this the Pilates Party Zone, just to be clear. Have you seen my dog agility boyfriend Robert Downey Jr. boxing without a shirt on ever in a Sherlock Holmes movie? Reinforce that.

Guess what. There's an Opposite Zone. Here's rule numero 2. The Blind Cross Zone. Also known as the No Go Zone. Booty Zone. I like to call this Don't Show Your Dog Your Ass. You know those sweatpants that say Juicy or have sorority letters swooshed across the buttock region? Don't wear those. Just try to remember where your Blind Cross Zone is. And really. You should keep this as toned as your pilates abs if possible.

So when you run around, your dog isn't criss crossing behind you. Your dog chases you to see your 6 pack abs. And not your butt. Reinforce a lot in your Reinforcement Zone for best results.

Next rule. Keep your eye on your dog.

Both eyes.

Use the arm and leg closest to the dog to direct them. This eliminates arm flailing and the dreaded Evil Arm. Um, sometimes in gamblers having Herman Munster disease, I actually probably break this rule trying to accomplish Statue of Liberty Arm. Sorry Greg Derrett.

And finally, for today, face the direction the dog is going until they are committed to an obstacle. OK? Easy to remember for now. You can do this. Everyone taking notes? You have made it through lesson 1. Tomorow, you will be looking forward to the issue of Committment.

To be Continued.


Monday, January 11, 2010

Laura Manchester Derrett has Jennifer Anniston hair.

We love a us some good agility hair. Like you didn't know that already. So we had a class from Laura Manchester Derrett yesterday about double boxes.

Um. So a couple important facts you should know about Boxes, Double Boxes, and English. First of all, in English from England, a box is not just a box. It can also be a lady part. So if you are talking about Double Boxes, well, good luck with that.

Also, just so everyone is up to speed, in English from England, pants really mean underpants and if you are talking about pants you might actually mean trousers or track bottoms, not the pants you pull on over your box. And don't even get me started on fanny packs. You don't want to know. And you shouldn't. Because, good god, kittens. NONE of you EVER WEAR A FANNY PACK, righty-o? Let's not even go there.

OK. So all crystal clear. Where were we Laura?

Oh my. A whole day's run through of the Greg Derrett System, handling system used by many Laura's throughout the land. Invented by Laura Manchester's husband. Who just happens to be Greg Derrett. Used by this Laura, as in Hartwick not Manchester, who due to all the Laura's using Greg Derrett Handling System will now be referred to as Laura 3, and whose dog agility boyfriend will be referred to as Robert Downey Jr. just so we have no confusion here.

Geez. All this just for the quest for a decent front cross.

Greatest hits of Greg Derrett system were covered, as well as a couple new songs. And, my foot fetish friends, some of these are going to involve shoes! Here's the set list, if you can't wait to see what we'll be discussing in depth this week or whenever I get to it. Because Greg Derrett System, as translated from Laura 1 to Laura 3 via Laura 2, always a treat.
  • The Reinforcement Zone and why we should all tone our abs
  • No Go Zone, also known as Your Ass, which also, please tone
  • Consistency except for when you are inconsistent which, not useful
  • Eye on Dog But do Not Poke Anyone in Eye
  • Arm and Leg Closest to Dog, for giving directions, even to Starbucks
  • Face where your dog is going, except for when presenting your toned abs to dog
  • Commitment we shall also call Liftoff
  • Arm Change but don't change it into a toad or anything
  • Straight Lines are Not Turns and vice versa
  • 3 Footed Foot Fetish
  • Flicking and Oh hell.
  • Better late than Early due to, Oh hell.
  • Positional Cues and their new little buddy named Deceleration Cue
  • Robert Plant-A New Threadle named after lead singer of Led Zeppelin
  • You should be able to slap your dog in the ass on a good rear cross
  • Lead Out Pivots and touch the position stick
  • Serps and is it time for coffee now?


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Handling Systems are at war and Gustavo receives a message from God.

I know. Everybody thought Team Small Dog was going to explain how to keep those rock hard No Go Zones looking just like Beyonce's today. Or threadles involving a gopher, a wheelbarrow, and a bucket of pudding. But wait. Change in plans. Who can think about the No Go Zone and threadles because when we were walking down to the beach last night, all of a sudden, Gustavo stops dead in his tracks, with a somewhat addled look on his face. Which can only mean one thing. Stump! Or, actually, garbage can! Or, message from the higher power and the higher power is driving a big white van and maybe has a message from Greg Derrett! Sort of like in Monty Python and the Holy Grail and the Sleestacks are friends with the monkey boy and then the talking ape is on the beach and so is the Statue of Liberty's head?

Whoa! Trippy! Actually, the van was parked in the parking lot of the grocery store. Like you guys are outside practicing your double box work, but around here we have to go the store after work and then run the dogs and we need to buy something healthy to eat because if we want our No Go Zone to look like Beyonce's, you can't just have quesadilla's for dinner every night.

Actually, we had quesadilla's for dinner last night. Don't tell Jay-Z. Wait. The important message about the War of the Handling Systems is to Help the Cops? What about conquering hate, fear, greed, lust, the flesh and innocent birds?

Have Official Handling System Representatives weighed in on this? Susan Garrett has thanked us for our efforts already. Not sure if Greg Derrett and Linda Mecklenberg are down with Help the Cops. And there's Marcus Topps. Where does he fall in all of this? Silvia Trkman? Do they have systems? Don't even get me started on Jenny Damm. There is NO WAY the cops need help with Jenny Damm. I am sort of worried Gustavo got his message wrong?

I guess if you're helping the cops, barking at Otterpop is a good place to start. She is probably planning something illegal. She is probably impersonating Sarah Palin right now in an unflattering and ungenerous way and should be arrested. Isn't Sarah Palin retired now? Totally ready to start dog agility! But you know what? Sarah Palin could do agility and she could even use the APHS and we would still be nice to her. We would lure her in with our niceness and then she could be arrested because she's been lured. Even though luring is actually not such good dog training. But could work for Sarah Palin. Is that like helping the cops?

How about Dick Cheney? If he used the GD handling system and showed up at a USDAA trial, would it be ok if a GD handler called the cops or according to Handling War Accords, an APHS handler would be more appropriate? Like you Oregon ladies? Aren't a lot of the Oregon ladies APHS? Or is it just wrong to utter the name Dick Cheney? Like sort of playing the Hitler card and cancels out everything that comes after? OK. Scratch him. Poor taste. Like he could even do agility anyways. Let's say Snoop Dogg. He's a little sketchy law wise. If he was at dog agility and started smoking pot at the gate before a run, who would help the cops? Do they need a warrant? But what if he supports the President's new healthcare reform?

This is getting pretty rhetorical here. Otterpop grows bored.

Here's how I can peak her interest. Just add the word frisbee to Gustavo's message from God.
Frisbee help the cops. Help the frisbee cops. Help the cops frisbee.

Uh, oh. Blasphemy. And the sky grew dark, and there was a rumbling sound and she had to start running for her life. All biblical and shit? Someone getting medieval on someone's ass? Otterpop needs to help the cops? Wait, did anyone even do a blind cross? Don't Ruby's good citizen points count for ANYTHING? And Gustavo speaks with God or possibly it's just aliens, but still?


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

An explanation of Greg Derrett's handling system from inside the handling system war zone.

The internet tells me a lot of things. High Quality Watches! Fast and easy way to enlarge your penis! Acai your answer for losing weight fast! And the war between the handling systems!

You see, my non dog agility friends, we have APHS and GD and the internet says they are at war. It is like Bloods and Crips. The Giants and the A's. Palestine and Israel. Everyone lives together in the same hood but they see things different and then they go to WAR! Since I live in a love bubble of joy and unicorns that barf up rainbows, I didn't even know I was at war, but guess what. I am. I am a disciple of GD and I keep a sharpened spear in my love bubble so when the internet points out to me that my leader and my dog agility boyfriend, Greg Derrett is flawed, you lookie outie.

The super cool thing about a war on the internet is that you have super experts duking it out with non super experts, crazy people, people who can't spell and pretty much anyone who has access to a typing machine that magically hooks up to the other magical typing machines via the magic of cables and super brain waves and rockets. This wasn't invented when I was born. But I would like to point out that cars definitely were. Although cel phones weren't. But the war can be fought here, in the bandwidth, and then you just go out to lunch! Sorry Bloods, Crips, Palestinians and Israelites, and all the other victims of dichotomies that I use here in poor taste. Your wars handled in an uglier and bloodier fashion and I will go bury my head in my love bubble for a while and think nice thoughts for you.


Every so often, I address an important piece of Greg Derrett's handling system here. I would like to say this is because he asked me to, but I would also like to say that my rock hard ass looks smashing in a booty butt bikini. It is actually because I am supposed to be doing some important work for work on the computer and instead I will address an important piece of Greg Derrett's handling system here.

Today, let's talk about how to change our dog's direction.

When I trained my first agility dog, Ruby, we didn't really get the whole handling system thing. We got about 1/3 of it. We learned many things together and some of those things, not so great. I just ran some courses with her today and while while we basically use GD, I know I tend to run in close with her and stay behind her a bit more than my other dogs and do a lot more rear crossing. Which Greg would say is ok, because he is super nice.

Tangent Alert!
Also, can I just tell you Ruby is SO HAPPY to still do agility at practice and is staying sound and speedy over 8" jumps.
End Tangent.

But a useful thing that we know from his system is one of my favorite things about dog agility. The ability to send my dog out where I want them to go, and lickety split reposition myself in front of them so they totally get it, nice and early, where we're turning. I am such a front crosser. I love to run fast and send and get my dog to turn so nice and tight and smart because I am clear and consistent! Because they see me head out there and they know a turn is coming and all they have to do is jump straight where I tell them and then turn where I tell them. I make it so easy for them!

I think I started to catch on to the total consistency thing with Otterpop. And then I started running Hobbes who is uber super trained to be consistent. And then I trained Gustavo who indeed, has been like training a rainbow barfing unicorn in a love bubble on speed, and had I not had a consistent system for him, god help us all.

When you're front crossing, you just have to make sure that you always get to the optimal front cross position, and that your arm switch motion is not giving the finger and please don't point your shoulders like a crackhead. An important term here is your front cross line. This is not a system you can color outside the lines on. Unless you're running snookers. Or gamblers.

If you are rear crossing because you can't get out there in front in time, make sure you are not running Hobbes because rear crosses make him sad unless they are in the place he likes them. And keep your shoulders straight! Straight! No swivel shoulders on a rear cross. Just step neatly across your dog's path and if it is Ruby, they will be happy. The other dogs will be pretty happy, but they would prefer you are front crossing them. Oh, and make sure no one, especially Gustavo, tries to go in the No Go Zone!

Disclaimers: In case you are from PETA, that's not a real gopher. If you worship at the temple of Linda Mecklenberg, Greg Derrett isn't really a gopher. I don't really have a sharp spear but I do live in a love bubble. And it's not my fault the unicorn was barfing.