A hot sunny day at the USDAA, a day that I would not have predicted for the future, from my past.

Yes, it's the middle of February and yes you might be living in a blizzard, but I wore shorts all day yesterday. My non dog agility friends, a little refresher course on what a typical Sunday spent at a dog show involves.

A stumble out to the car before 5am with a freakishly strong travel mug of coffee and a bag of bananas and leaping dogs who fall instantly asleep when they hop up into the car. Driving two hours, down freeways and country roads in the dark and fog, headed towards the Central Valley. On purpose. Tossing dogs into an a little square wire pen, where they huddle up on a blanket, and walking into a closed off biosphere where everybody just talks about dogs. Or maybe the best way to turn a dog running as fast as it can the right direction so it doesn't go in that tunnel. And then doing just that. Or not. All day. Over and over again. Until dark. Then driving home, new coffee in hand, dirty fingernails and some weird new stains on pants, back the same cow speckled roads you came in on.

I know. It's a weird hobby. If you told me 10 years ago, that this is what I would spend a lot of Sundays doing, I'd probably laugh hysterically. At the idea that I'd have a hobby. Where I'd appreciate gore-tex. And go back to whatever I was painting with the tiny brush, horrified at the vision of spending the day with people with bushy haircuts, in odd shaped versions of denim or spandex or moisture wicking athletic wear, and unfortunate dog t-shirts, who just want to talk to you about their dogs.

If you'd told me, that I'd sit and have a conversation about how dog training created a dog who pees upside down, or one that seems exorcised from visions of the dead, or that dance steps from the Rocky Horror Picture show could describe how to get a dog to turn a little tighter, I am pretty sure I wouldn't have believed your vision of the future.

And that here I'd be, rattling off dog achievements like a foreign language that half of you already stopped reading. And that I'd wear glasses. And be older than 40 years old. And want a robot vacuum. If you predicted this for my future and you told me this, I'd say your crystal ball works about as good as my leaky Magic 8 ball. And I'd just turn up X and ignore you.

Maybe you saw this in my future, 10 years ago and now you're right. You just went, ha HA! But I kind of don't think so. And with that, I rattle off dog achievements.

Otterpop ran around like the little machine she is. Many lovely Q's, including that elusive SuperQ. Added another Grand Prix bye to her stack. We both had our fast running pants on and away we went. And in Masters Gamblers, casually aced that gamble, except. Except, as per custom, in my culture of spazziness, stepped a toe just over that pink line and had the whistle blown on me.

Yeah. 10 years ago, had you told me I'd be running around with soccer cleats and cringing when someone blows a whistle at me for stepping over the special plastic line that you gotta stand behind to send your dog off to obstacles at your distance by waving arms and so forth, I'd probably have looked at Timmy, he'd look at me, and we'd laugh at each other and go back to that painting. Now there was a dog who knew you don't step on art that's drying on the floor. Not send out to tunnel discriminations. Thanks Otterpop. What a long way you've come from that awful little thing we picked up off the side of the road.

Gustavo had some of the best runs of his agility career. Period. He did invent a new skill called running dogwalk, which was a surprise to me since we've done nothing but train a, ahem "rock solid" 2on2off, but we'll tackle this rehab much more easily than some of the other challenges he's thrown me, I think. He finally finished that last Starter's Standard, which I thought might take a lifetime. Moved up to Masters Snooker with one of the funnest snookers runs ever. Amazing jumpers run. I did pull him out of the gambler's ring after he showed me the running dogwalks. Let's hope it's just a phase.

When he runs like this, there's no stress. It's fun. He is fast as lightning, and goes exactly where I show him. And, as a bonus, was quiet and relaxed in the xpen all day. A long, long day. I hope he's becoming the dog I imagine him to be. I know he'll still have ups and downs. On Sunday, we were on an up.

If Hobbes hadn't told me a while ago he didn't want to lay down on the table ever again, I might have been sad after this happened. It was his birthday. He turned 11. I knew this would happen yesterday. I think, if he doesn't want to lay down on the table, he shouldn't have to lay down on the table. I think he deserves that. Hobbes has done a lot of tables. He's a champion. We made up for that with a lovely, beautiful Grand Prix run instead. I love Hobbes. I brought him his Trader Joe's Mini Meatballs. I think I've been running him, off and on, for at least couple years. Hopefully we have more runs for the future, ones without tables. If you ever told me, in my past, I would do agility with a dog like Hobbes, just another thing I probably wouldn't have believed.

Top Ten things ranked from Really Low Like a Lowrider Except Not Cool to Really Not So Bad Yet Not Surprisingly Still Not Cool from the dog show.

Gratiuitous abandoned house shot. Because I just can't drive to Turlock without pulling over to take an abandoned house tour, ever.

Which means that yes, it was a Sunday drive out to Turlock for a day of USDAA. Perhaps just the highlights will do. Shall we go from high to low or low to high?

Let's start Low. And then, it can only get better.


But first, one more abandonded house. What. You wanted dog photos?

10. Changing Gustavo's adv. snookers plan seconds before he ran, then running face first into a festive #7 flag and letting that little event snowball into a festival of handling mayhem resulting in I don't even remember what, but it really wasn't pretty. I distinctly remember at one point thinking, OMG. I totally look like one of those people you watch in the Starters ring with a pity face, and think, that's just really too bad. And then clap politely when they exit, hoping that inspires them to maybe take a dog agility class or rent a how to video. As I'm running this in the Starters ring. During the time I was busy thinking that, Gustavo was long gone into some contraband off course tunnel and I was just out there flailing and flicking and god knows what.

9. Shrieking, "NO ONE WATCH THIS!" to the crowd as I entered the Masters Gambler ring with Otterpop, after 99% of the handlers aced what seemed to me like kind of a hard gamble. Executing a lovely opening, hitting the gamble right as the buzzer went off, then getting Otterpop stuck halfway through it by shouting Tire! Tunnel! Tire! Get in the Car! That Thing! at her instead of just Turn Chute, which would have probably worked swell. Then thinking, in my already addled brain, must keep body motion pointed towards dog's path, so striking a very nice Statue of Liberty pose well after Otterpop was stuck so we both looked stuck, although it was easy to see which one I was because luckily, mouth wasn't stuck and able to just yell random nouns at poor Otterpop. Everybody watched and I believe I received polite clapping.

8. Hobbes flat out refused to lay down on the table, for the very first time. Abject refusal, would lay down but keep an elbow floating on a wafer thin pillow of air and stare at me with a funny look on his face. I kneeled down, I told him he was so beautiful, woofed at him, tried all my special tricks from the last couple years of our Standard runs together. I guess it means we are now truly family and I should be honored, however, he may never, ever again lay down on the table for me in the show ring.

7. Sending Hobbes out to a special a-frame that was not exactly the course. Actually, not at all in the course.

6. Oh and how about the time I sent Gustavo in the wrong end of a tunnel in Masters Jumpers.

5. Oh wait, how about the time I sent Otterpop in the wrong end of a different tunnel in Masters Jumpers.

4. Or the time I sent Otterpop into the wrong end of another tunnel in Masters Snookers? When she was running fast and had the most opening points of all the little dogs? There was this little theme in my runs today, you know the thing in the story that is usually implied instead of stated explicity according to wikipedia, and the little theme today was, SOMETIMES LAURA REALLY SUCKS AT THIS DOG AGILITY BUSINESS.

3. Not walking or even having time to watch anybody else in Gustavo's Advanced Gamblers. Perhaps due to conflicts but more perhaps due to taking all the dogs on an enjoyable short walk and spacing out that I should walk a course over there. Yet resulting in a lovely Gamble opening, including 2 stellar dogwalk contacts and organized handling and very nice Gambler's Q. I think that was the last one he needed to move to Masters.

2. Otterpop had a nice Standard run in Performance. And her leg seemed comfortable the whole day and she tried hard to win every single run.

1. Gustavo knocked out a beautiful Starters Standard run in the ring where last time he was in there, was full of dead people. This included contacts and a table and poles and a confident teeter totter. It wasn't a Q, he popped out of the last weave pole and there was no way I was taking him back to fix that, I just let him run on and he ran like the wind and like a dog with not a care in the world.

You know, I did end the day with a realization that I just might be one of those pity people out there. This may be a reoccurring theme in my life. But you know, it might be better to try to not even think about that and live with the perhaps unrealistic hope that one day, I stop screwing up out there. So there. If you were one of those polite clapping people as I ran quickly out of that Gambler's ring.

TSD excluse-Interview with Otterpop, which is always a treat.

First a shoutout to Rob and his dog Wings, who is only 2 years old and got her ADCh this weekend. Which is the thing that 5 year old Otterpop still needs 3 Q's for and has for a really long time. Rob is my dog agility teacher and lets me run his dog Hobbes as long as I don't screw up with him too often. Ahem.

And now to our interview.

Laura: Hello Otterpop. What did you think of the dog show this weekend at Turlock?

Otterpop: Otterpop would like to announce that Axl Rose should never have gotten all that lame plastic surgery and he looks like a buffoon.

Laura: Um, Axl Rose wasn't there though, I don't think? In Turlock? USDAA dog agility show?

Otterpop: It is possible Otterpop saw Axl Rose there.

Laura: We did listen to Guns and Roses in the car. I think you guys were sleeping though. Because we had to leave at 5 in the morning to get there on time. It was dark.

Otterpop: Otterpop agrees with this statement.

Laura: So you sort of liked this dog show though, right? Maybe because I put you into performance and you only had to jump 8 little bitty inches high most of the time? And your leg was all rested and anti inflammed due to no frisbee or running or anything fun for the last couple weeks?

Otterpop: Otterpop is pleased with this name called Performance. Otterpop will now quote Mick Jagger, from the hippie film Performance. Quote. The only performance that makes it, that really makes it, is the one that achieves madness. Unquote by Otterpop.

Laura: You are such a poser. You totally got that off the internet. I know for a FACT you have never seen that movie. You are 5 years old and that is not a movie suitable for 5 year olds.

Otterpop: Otterpop ran fast this weekend. And went out to faraway weave poles in Masters Gamblers. And would have completed that Gamble had it not been for She in her stupid ugly skort squwacking "GO GO GO" and flailing arms about causing Otterpop to pop the very last pole even though Otterpop was already done with the hard part and on Otterpop's way to a stunning finish.

Laura: This is true. And we got out SuperQ'ed by a Boston Terrier. We were running though. I thought we had it.

Otterpop: Otterpop would like to announce there was much too much screaming in her dog agility xpen all day by a whining screaming Gustavo and Otterpop was displeased.

Laura: Did he mention anything about his runs? Like the ones he had to do in the ring right by the road?

Otterpop: Gustavo spent much time shrieking to Otterpop that he sees dead people. Otterpop would like to point out that only Otterpop should be allowed to make loud noises and no one else.

Laura: So this was why he decided that one end of that ring and it's contents were poisonous and could not run in there? Because he sees Dead People?

Otterpop: That's what Gustavo says although says in vile, shrieking tones that hurt Otterpop's ears.

Laura: He was so freaked out by that ring that on one run, he couldn't lay down at the start. He kept flipping over like a pancake to lay down so he wouldn't have to look at the supposed dead people end of the ring. Finally just let him start because I was like, uh, super weird here, and he just ran back out to the start and found a nice lady to hang out with.

Otterpop: You want Otterpop should rough him up?

Laura: I think he was truly freaked out. And truly freaked out and dog agility doesn't work for him because, oh the pressure of it all. He ran fine in the other ring, a couple handling issues and wide turns but not dead people freakouts of spooking and brake slamming and running in crazy circles. He got under the table again then wouldn't lay down on it. We never even got near the teeter totter. I'm not sure what to do with Gustavo.

Otterpop: Otterpop would totally kick dead people asses if they showed up in Otterpop's ring.

Laura: You know I was very proud of all your runs, Otterpop. You were running like a super champion. And Hobbes won his jumpers and somehow ended up with a totally unneccessary SuperQ in his Snookers, even though I screwed up what would have been a totally rad run at the end. AND I screwed up his Standard and he did total stink ass tabling again. I'm worried my days with Hobbes may be numbered.

Otterpop: Otterpop is a winner and Otterpop would like to announce that do NOT EVER LET Hobbes use Otterpop's frisbee.

Laura: Do you just sit in there all day and make Ruby crazy? It was like 100 degrees out all day. Poor Ruby. She never came out of her crate.

Otterpop: Ruby is LUCKY to sit with Otterpop. Jeff Tweedy of Wilco would be lucky to sit with Otterpop. Arnold Schwarzenegger would be lucky to sit with Otterpop. James Franco would be lucky to sit with Otterpop. And then Otterpop would decree that all border collies stay 100 feet away from Otterpop's frisbee at all times and Otterpop will own ALL the liquor stores FOREVER.

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Laura will end this interview just saying really, super proudness all around for fast running and super handling Otterpop and really a-ok without getting that stupid last SuperQ or the Gamble Q due to the proudness of it all. Although not proudness over Gustavo, more profound sadness, disappointness, and feeling really bad about his utter, complete meltdown in one of the rings to the point of sheer terror in going down to one end of it and just making me wonder what did I do to screw up THIS dog?

TSD exclusive-Interview with Gustavo before he runs outside to bark at the garbage can.

Laura: Gustavo where did you go this weekend?

Gustavo: Vacation!

Laura: Really?

Gustavo: 6 Star Resort with blue carpeting that smells like possum butt!

Laura: This is Motel 6 you refer to?

Gustavo: Gustavo did not pee on anything!

Laura: And then where did you go?

Gustavo: In the dog cage! It is dog show so he has to sit in dog cage!

Laura: Gustavo, you won Masters Jumpers!

Gustavo: The Butthole Surfers have a song about Pepsi!

Laura: And you had a super Advanced Snookers until that little weavepole meltdown at the very, very end.

Gustavo: Because Gustavo was finished with the course and runs to the score table! Millie's lady has a Hellokitty lunchpail filled with meat!

Laura: But then there was the sort of crazy Starters Standard run that had a No Way Jose teeter totter and then you did another one of those run underneath the table things then pulled a total Hobbes no lay down on table then refused the a-frame. You can win a masters class but act like Starters Standard contact equipment is poisonous.

Gustavo: Gustavo decided to not go to the bathroom all day!

Laura: Well, you had stunning weavepoles in that Starters class but we probably should have called it quits after that. Because you forgot how to do weavepoles in your gamblers class later on.

Gustavo: Many ladies let Gustavo lick their faces and Gustavo licked possum butt blue carpet the night before!

Laura: Did you get to play any frisbee with Otterpop?

Gustavo: She just layed on top of it under a shady tree and you said No Running Otterpop and Gustavo ran away to some dumpsters for snack!

Laura: By the way. I let Otterpop run in Performance Jumpers at 8" for an experiment, which she ran super fast and made me go, hmmm. And then in normal Snookers at 12" which should have been that last stinky old SuperQ but she hit a bar and I got screwed up and so nope. No SuperQ. We call this science experiment for crappy leg.

Gustavo: Otterpop likes to get in the bathtub but do not make Gustavo get in there!

Laura: You guys must have drove Ruby crazy all day in the xpen. It was like 100degrees out there. Poor Ruby.

Gustavo: Gustavo could not see the dog agility from the 100 miles away you hid us at and there was no screaming fun joy joy screaming!

Laura: Hobbes pulled a super stinky table on me in Standard, finally laid down at the VERY LAST MINUTE. Did you talk with him about that or something, because I don't know where you ever got the idea not to lay down on the table? That was a new one.

Gustavo: Are we have snuggles yet?

Bayteam USDAA Southwest Regionals Official Steeplechase Report

Since none of my dogs were running in any finals this time, I sat around and set jumps and took pictures of the Steeplechase Finals. Was a little sad and weird not to run any dogs in any finals at this show, but it's just been that kind of year. So instead, I'll provide the first official report about the Steeplechase Finals. You heard it here first.


Here's my friend Sue. Always matches her do-rags to her socks at dog agility. I'm not sure what today's theme was. It's hard to tell her dogs apart. I think that's Maddie though. But I might be wrong. Sue saved me a spot to put up my dog agility canopy thing this weekend. If it wasn't for Sue, I would have had to sit all by myself 100 miles away on the other side of the field. That's a real dog agility pal.


This is Karey. She is easy to find at dog agility because she always wears tie dye. Maybe Karey used to be a hippie? A lot of people in dog agility like tie dye, I've noticed. Because they were hippies? Or is a dog thing? Karey is also in charge of dog agility around here. If we didn't have Karey, I'm not sure if we would have dog shows. I heard she stayed up all night wearing a headlight lampshade making scribe sheets the other night. That's her dog Bump who is Hobbes's brother. If they start barking at the same time, you can tell they're related.


Here's Rob. Hobbes is his dog. Rob is running Wings here who is like Hobbes's sister but more like a Brady Bunch blended family kind of sister as opposed to Bump actual relative from the womb kind of thing. If it wasn't for Rob I wouldn't know jack about dog agility. I'm a lucky, lucky person to get to run Hobbes. I ran him in Pairs and Standard this weekend and Rob ran him in everything else. We were a little bit 5 faulty, but he did tables, dammit. Rob was wearing tie dyed socks and I wonder if they were a present from Karey? Or just that whole dog agility and tie dye thing?


This is Lisa. Both her dogs were in Steeplechase finals. I think this one might be Steamer. She is also a tie dye wearer. I'm not sure, ex hippie or just a dog thing? Maybe it's just how people like to dress up for Steeplechase these days if they don't want to wear a skort. Me and Lisa carried all the tables and put away the canopies after the dog show was over. Cleaning up the trial is the seedy underbelly of dog agility you never here about. You just carry and pack and carry and pack and carry and pack and don't pack it wrong or Jim gets cranky.


This isn't Jim. Jim is my other favorite dog agility teacher. I hold him partially responsible for Otterpop's Masters Gamblers win the other day. I thought it was Jim when I looked at the photo but it was Greg. Greg is married to my friend Tammy and I was sitting in his chair in the shade trying to take pictures when he was out there running dogs in the hot sun. I should put on my glasses before I write anything down. If I squint real hard, I can guess that he's running Tala out there. Not to be confused with Tania, who looked at this and was all, duh, Laura. That's not Jim.


This is Ashley and his dog Luka. Ashley is my tallest dog agility friend. I started taking lessons with Jim because Ruby could never beat Luka and Ashley took lessons with Jim. Jim thought that was really funny as in ha Ha HA funny and suggested I move Ruby down to Performance. Ashley takes Luka to Europe soon to compete in a World Team event. We're pretty sure they'll win.


That's my friend Kathleen and her dog JB. JB is Jim's dog Sweep's brother. Kathleen built forest agility, which is really Heart Dog Agility and is where I practice every single Monday. Kathleen is like one of the pioneers of dog agility in Santa Cruz. Except instead of a pioneer wagon now she has her own dog agility RV that even has internet. I don't think I've ever seen Kathleen in tie dye.


There's Debbie and Porsche. Porsche beats the pants off Otterpop on a regular basis. We still like them. Debbie is always very nice to us and is sure that we'll get that last SuperQ some day but she still beats us all the time just the same. Debbie was wearing a track suit with long sleeves. Probably so she didn't get sunburned.


There's Sandy and Quill. I don't know Sandy very well but Quill also beats the pants off Otterpop on a regular basis. There aren't very many 12" dogs in these parts. Even when Otterpop is running her fastest, she just can't beat Quill. I'm always happy when I get to run AFTER Quill in Snooker.


Actually this isn't even one of my friends. I don't even know him at all. I don't think he lives around here. But I liked his striped baseball pants and he had a dramatic falling down run the other day and just leaped back up and kept going. Maybe he's your friend and you can give him this picture. He's a sheltie guy.


This is Whitney and Cooper. She came over and introduced herself to me the other day so I'm just going to say she's my friend. Those corgis amaze me, that their stubby little legs can get them going like they do. Neither Whitney or the sheltie guy wore tie dye, and they're not from around here so maybe it's sort of a within a certain mile radius of the Grateful Dead kind of thing?

So that's the report. I missed a lot of photos because I was sitting in Tammy's big fluffy chair under her tent and then I got too lazy to get up to get any other photos and that's what kind of reporter I am. And actually, I have no idea who won or anything like that either. I know I saw Sue walking around with a fist full of cash afterwards. I'm gonna take a guess that most everyone in these pictures was. Fistful of cash or not, everyone's a champion, righty-o? See everybody next time.

So how's that fancy dog show working out for you?

Here. Enjoy some fluffy chute pictures I took during the Grand Prix while you hear my tale of whiney whingey woe from the dog show.

Otterpop stood there on the startline. She comes prancing over there from chasing her frisbee and flying over a practice jump. She's ready. She's leaping around, she's tugging on her frisbee. All perky and happy and dog agility face on. Barky and frisky and feisty and focused. We put frisbee down on the score table, go out to that startline, and she stands there, motionless.

I've walked, I have a plan, I'm ready, we're going to go out there and ace that Masters Standard course. It's going to be a good one. I can tell. She's been practicing this, she's been running fast and furious and we're ready to go out there and compete against all these good dogs. Lots of speedy short dogs from all over California and Arizona and I dunno where else here and we're gonna see how she measures up.

And she cocks an eye at me, and gives me this eyeball that says, F*%k You. Looks me dead in the eye, and right there on the startline gets back at me for all the mailmen I don't let her eat. All the barking I put an end to. All the times I demand the stick back. If Otterpop had fingers, that middle one would be slowly unfurling, right there on the startline, as the robot voice from the timers goes GO.

Go. She just stops. And gives me the icey cold stare of a sociopath. Or at least a sullen teenager when you take away the crackberry and the car keys. Not sure which is more dangerous.

Revenge. REVENGE. Revenge by horribly embarrassing me and taking all the fun out of our run because I just pull her out of the ring because I cannot bear to run her when she isn't trying, when she's just dialing in something other than everything she should be. It freaks me out and she knows it and she's found my hole. The dog show is valuable to the human lady and if you really screw up the dog show, you will stab the human lady squarely in the heart and ha HA! Because Otterpop is NEVER quiet and NEVER motionless and NEVER slow except for now, in dog shows and ha HA STAB through the heart.

And then an hour or so later Otterpop goes on to win Masters Gamblers and earn another precious Gambler's Q. Running gleefully and steady and no problem handling that hard to handle line from so far away. The crowd goes wild because, good god, that was OTTERPOP that just got that gamble! I am freaking out of the joy of it all. I just imagined that whole revenge scenario. Too many Clint Eastwood movies. She's a good dog and she tries hard and we just got another one of those Gambler's Q's.

And then later on in the day, right before Steeplechase, the look comes back. That says, I HATE YOU and I HATE DOG AGILITY and I'll show you. Tries to walk through some weave poles and I run her out the back side of the ring and don't even look back and carry her out to the car to sit there because I don't even know what to do with a problem like Otterpop.


So that's how the dog show is going. Kind of like that. That's Kathleen. Her dog shows don't go like that.

Gustavo had some fiasco earlier in the day. A sloppy mayhem run, followed by a run with a jaunt right out of the ring to a guy feeding treats to his dog out of an ice chest and how could Gustavo pass that up? All the other dogs did, but not Gustavo. That's just my bad training and my Gustavo. Followed by a win in Snookers that included having to do a teeter totter. He looked at it, he hesitated, I told him he could do it and he did. So he's fine. Not great, but not terrible. Just Gustavo. Inconsistent. Very inconsistent.

Otterpop had a good pairs run Friday night. Her partner made a fatal error and that was that. Hobbes had an exciting pairs run when I ran him with Rob and his other dog. I think they got 2nd of all the 26" dogs. I was just happy he didn't go running after them on their part of the course. I had a 5 fault standard with him on Sunday, but it was a good run. Hard course. One that I had been very much looking forward to running Otterpop on if she hadn't flipped me that bird off the startline and gone to the dark side. Seether. We're both still seething.


Raymond and Tater in the Grand Prix. Tater and Ruby go WAY back.

My friends and dog consultants act baffled or won't tell me the truth of what they think. Ask if she's hot? Spooked? Sore? Maybe they have dogs that won't do the dogwalk contact at the dog show even though they practice every day and never miss at home. But no one knows what to do with Otterpop.

The time she went to the dog show and thought of a catchy little saying we'll call One Step Forward and One Step Back.

Let's see. What would you like to hear about the dog show?

How about the part where I won a box of Anti Bacterial Handi Wipes in the raffle? And some poop bags?

That was a high point.

And the handi wipes came in handy since I was one of the garbage ladies. And if you work glamorous jobs such as garbage lady, you get tickets to win things in the raffle. So I worked to get the handi wipes, and I needed the handi wipes because I worked. Is that sort of like one step forward, one step back? Getting you nowhere?

Let's call that the theme of the weekend. If the theme can't be Tiki Bowl Mai Tai Hula Bash. One step forward, one step back. There were moments. Otterpop won an envelope full of cash in Steeplechase. Not going to complain about that.

Gustavo got an Advanced Gamble Q and had a momentous, lovely, flawless-sort-of Standard run. Having a dog that gets gambles with ease is a whole new thing. And him hitting weave poles fast and accurate multiple times is exciting. But. But. For the momentous Standard Q, he got slammed with that BAD teeter again, right at the end. I knew there was a chance. I knew it could happen, but in a 3 ring trial, there was only one Love Teeter and the other 2 were the evils and he did it and it slammed him again and here we go again. Hits that teeter fast and hard, he can't hold on, it whips so hard, and he comes off on the bounce and gets slammed in the ass on whip number two.

Next time in the ring, for Gamblers, I just avoided it, he seemed a little spooky but made it around ok, only real sign of freakiness was a dogwalk refusal, just nervous to run up it off the bat, flying along. But next time back in the ring after that, for what should have been a gentle, low key little Snookers run, just seemed kind of stressed out and checked out and I pulled him halfway through the run before any worse damage done. I don't want him running stressed out. I want the confident, amazing little dog that started the weekend Saturday afternoon.

We'll see. We'll investigate the damage done this week. Stay tuned for more exciting details. Because I know the Gustavo teeter totter saga is the soap opera you just can't get enough of. One step forward, one step back.

Otterpop had a great Grand Prix run, where I made an error that I've before, popping her out of the last pole, right at the end of the course and hello, once again, another 5 fault Grand Prix. Sucky gamblers. Just suck ass. And, a new low point with error free Standard and Jumpers run with time faults. Yes. Time faults. Her slow brain timer on the start of the course, slow enough to give her a time faults now. Time faults??? Doesn't that seem like if she knew that, knowing how fast she usually runs, that it would make her MAD to have TIME FAULTS? Like sort of Insulting?

Can you see me ripping hair from my scalp?

One step forward, one step back.

I made up to Hobbes about his embarrassing Steeplechase with a beautiful, lovely Standard run. So he had one step back, one step forward. Although Rob did not have me run him in anything else the whole weekend. The hideous Steeplechase freaked us all out.

Ruby slept away the day. Had some walks. I am pretty sure she could give a rats ass about running at the dog show. She loves practicing just a little bit, being the schoolmaster dog for students to run in class, and that's enough agility for her. I am happy that Ruby is happy. And hopefully having a more pain free future. She chased around her tiny tennis ball when we got home. That's what Ruby likes to do. I just looked at a video of her from a year ago. She was still hitting bars, but didn't look so bad at 12". I wish dogs could show us better when they are starting to hurt.

Next weekend, the Southwest Regionals. 4 days of USDAA fiesta. OK, 3 for me, I'm going to work on the Saturday. And actually Friday is just evening pairs nite. This week, we'll be getting all ready for the mayhem of it all, and how many steps forward, how many steps back will remain to be seen. I will do my best to make it no pressure for Gustavo, you can be sure of that. Otterpop? No clue. Just stepping forward, stepping back. Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat. Can only train and not complain and just keep doing my best.

A nice hot day at the USDAA.

Went to work early, and to beat the heat. Was a genuine 400 degrees on Friday, and half the state on fire. Got done nice and early in the afternoon, so made it over to the USDAA trial in Prunedale for some afternoon classes.

Had a spectacularly bad Steeplechase with Hobbes. I am likely fired after this from running him. My favorite border collie in the world. Who I love winning Steeplechase with. Not totally crashing and burning in the first round. Something just seemed wrong with us. No one feeling the love. Just before he ran, was fielding phone calls about fire in the hills a few miles from the barn and what we do about that and due to my non existent mental management, maybe had something to do with it. One of those phone calls that makes the blood pressure go up up up. Airplanes dropping water. Ran the dog, got on the phone again. Turns out was not a bad fire, no equine emergencies or mass evac, just one stinker of a Steeplechase. Sorry Hobbes.

Otterpop had a pretty good Steeplechase, came in second so goes on to the second round. Had a lame-o start, one of those days. She picks it up, but not in enough time to have a winning time. Same thing in Snookers. Still working on that last SuperQ, which is winning the class essentially. So just picked out a go-for it course, but the saddest sound in the world happened. The sound of the buzzer when you are in that last set of Numero Siete weave poles after doing them 3 times already to rack up those Sevens. A faster dog, who beats the pants off us on a regular basis, made it through. Such is life. Those slowpoke, weirdo starts, bite us in the ass. Not that Otterpop doesn't deserve to be bitten in the ass. But not on the metaphoric level. The subtleties of language lost on her. Otterpop has a special dog show timer in her head and that timer says, Waste Time. Then run fast. If I could unlock that timer secret someday, Otterpop would be a superstar.

Gustavo was a superstar. Superstar Jumpers run, moves him up to Masters now. God help us all.

Ruby, no classes, basking in her retired vibe. She baked in the heat, wouldn't have wanted to run anyways. Gustavo has a hard time in the heat, he runs fast but he gets overheated really fast and hot and panty. Poor skinny little thing. Otterpop is like a cockroach. She doesn't care. Whatever global warming dishes out, Otterpop can take. She's Otterpop.

Back we go again tomorrow, a whole day at the dog show!

The USDAA Witch Trial at Turlock, as manifestoed by Otterpop.

She put us in the car and it was dark. It was my preference to stay in the bed with the one that is so much less demanding and also has The Vehicle With Fine Leather Seats, but she put us in the car and obviously it would take a long time and be for the agility due to in each hand She holds one large mug of the coffee. Which equals two mugs because Otterpop can count as high as anyone would need to count.


Otterpop knows about these agility so called Witch Trials. Where historically, they ate hallucinogenic rats and they saw the witches then they burned all the She's at the stake. Otterpop knows this and knows many other things. Now the Witch Trials do not burn any She's and they wear skorts. This Witch Trial is in Turlock, which Otterpop likes somewhat because it is where the houses where no people are. Otterpop does not like people and houses without people are JUBILATION.


It is the USDAA and it is the goddamn team and goddamn sparkle and goddamn ariel are on the team with Otterpop but Otterpop does not have to look at them. Actually aside from humans and dogs, Witch Trials are not as terrible as Otterpop wishes She would believe. This one had some things Otterpop did not hate.


Otterpop will count these now to the number Eight. The following list is called Positive Attributes.

1. Otterpop kept Ruby in a box the entire time. Ruby had less treats and less FRISBEES and Otterpop believes Ruby should always have less therefore Otterpop more.
2. Otterpop did not allow Ruby or Screamy G to ever get the FRISBEE and many, many, many times Otterpop had the FRISBEE and WOULD BE THE ONLY DOG WITH SHE.
3. Agility with frisbees happens at the jumps out on the grassy park near where Otterpop keeps the other dogs in their cage.
4. She did not go in the Witch Trial with border collies, especially the hated one that stares at Otterpop and Hobbes who She lets touch Otterpop's FRISBEE and always GAH BARK SMOOSH about the Hobbes one.
5. The climate was temperate and many times Otterpop could step into the vessel of wet water then roll in grass then run and there was a FRISBEE.
6. She hands out a lot of finest cheeses at Witch Trial and carries FRISBEE around much of the time.
7. Screamy G was scared of tarps and a photographer and the freeway.
8. Otterpop did allow one new person to pet her at the witch trial and the person has red hair and used the correct method so Otterpop did not hate this person.


Otterpop will also now count things that were terrible of the Witch Trial. Otterpop will count these now to the number Eight. The following list is called Seether.

1. There is agility without FRISBEE with judge standing near Otterpop's personal space bubble. Even if judge is so called facebook friend of She, she is terrible because she stands in no FRISBEE zone and looks at Otterpop. At least this one would get out of Otterpop's way and NOT STARE AT OTTERPOP.
2. If Otterpop is allowed to speak freely on Otterpop's feelings of judge, Otterpop gets put in the car and Otterpop believes Ruby and Screamy G and border collies touch Otterpop's FRISBEE during this time so Otterpop did refrain from speaking freely which Otterpop HATES.
3. Dogs and humans are walking, running, speaking and are not invisible.
4. Humans touch Screamy G and pet it and it just loves that and it has turns of agility and Otterpop wants that others not do things that Otterpop HAS NOT SCHEDULED.
5. Otterpop did hear various humans refer to Otterpop as male gender. Otterpop mostly tries to not listen to voices of humans and instead sings a brain tune that NO ONE KNOWS BUT OTTERPOP and wishes the humans would disappear.
6. On various occasions when Otterpop was having a nice time having FRISBEE agility before stepping into the no FRISBEE zone, humans start telling She some burden of unwanted advice about Otterpop or confounded teeters and Otterpop demands undivided attention of She especially if the hell of stepping into no FRISBEE zone is inevitable.
7. She's all GAH BARK SMOOSH to other dogs and Screamy G and humans. In fact She spends too much time speaking to humans when Otterpop believes She ONLY MUST SPEAK TO OTTERPOP.
8. The goddamn team of Otterpop somehow had the Q no matter how hard Otterpop tried to do Otterpop's worst and OTTERPOP WILL NEVER LET ON WHY OTTERPOP DOES THIS.


In conclusion, Otterpop will take this opportunity to inform the public that Otterpop one day, WILL RULE THE WORLD. Otterpop does not like you all, Otterpop does not hate She and wishes that she could see She AT ALL TIMES forever including during ruling of the world. Otterpop also does not hate The One Who Yells at Television and has Vehicle With Fine Leather Seats, Joel Warner, Laia, That Blonde Child, Girl at Barn. Possible Otterpop does not hate that red hair human that used correct method to greet Otterpop but is undecided.


Postscript. Not from Otterpop. Otterpop ran Team, Ruby nothing, Gustavo Adv. Jumpers, Gamblers and Starters Snookers, where he could be nowhere near the teeter. Otterpop, as is now usual, was manic and fired up and having a swell time until the second she set foot in the ring, would run slow but consistent enough, then want to go run around and do warmup jumps crazy fast as a reward. Otterpop seems relaxed and happy and not hating things and wanting to run crazy fast and show off her trained dog agility skills unless she is actually inside the ring. I am continually confounded. Gustavo had a good gambler's run, and then got sort of scarey freaky about a couple things as mentioned above by Otterpop. That gambler's was a good run. He got spooky during the other ones, though, I get anxiety and really, we both unglue. Otterpop's team Q'ed but not due to any lightening speed from her. Goddamn. Ruby really seemed fine just hanging out and not running at all. It was a nice, small, relaxed trial and I like all my agility friends. Thanks for everyone who understands my frustration with these trials and why I can't make them go like how we train.

When agility dogs retire.

This is Buddy. And his cake crumbs.


He belongs to my friend Kathy. He had a retirement party this weekend, did his last runs in his 8 year agility career at the dog show yesterday. Even got that hard teeter gamble.


His future? Still bright, just not competing. Think more naps, cake, puttering in the garden, maybe take a ceramics class. Future is wide open for Buddy.

Team Small Dog? After this weekend, really hammered the reality into my noggin that my dogs love agility. Love it so much, when they practice and practice and practice. You see them practice, you'd be impressed with the way they shine like the biggest, hugest diamonds, diamonds 100 times the size of some motley little dogs. At the dog show?

Not.

And really started to think. Maybe that's what they want to do. Retire from competition. Be practice dogs. Have a future like Buddy's, except they keep doing their own private agility in the privacy of their own rented field in lieu of ceramics class.

Not sure. They get Q's. Manage to win Steeplechase finals. But it's not the same dogs I have at the dog show. A lot of people have given me advice, ideas to make them happier, bridge that gap from practice to dog show. Lots of advice, for lots of years. I'm relaxed and laid back and I always think we're having fun. Have tried a lot to figure it out, have tried for many years now, actually.

But it's like I have Stepford dogs out there, they're not the ones I know that run manic and fast and accurate and most important, crazyhappy with complete over the top joy like they have when it's just us doing it, or we're at a class or practicing with friends.

In the grand scheme of global warming and economic crisis, a small problem to have. In the tiny scheme of my tiny little life and my tiny little dogs, feels like somewhat of a more grandiose, lumpy bump in my road.

Clip 'n' Save-Your First Dog Show

Some of my students are going to their first agility trial ever this weekend. I sent them a step by step email this morning, with a lot of the stuff you need to know if you've never, ever gone to a dog show. I don't think anyone ever told me what to bring or wear or do and it took me a while to sort of clue into how that whole dog show thing worked. I'm not even sure if I'd ever run a whole course on a field larger than about 20'x30' when I went to my first show. I'm not even sure if I had a clear concept of Contact Zone, and likely Ruby didn't either. We had no crate, no special leash, probably a very wrong outfit. But somehow I kept going, just tried to blend and eventually got a crate and got a better hat and sneakers with tready bottoms and figured out the whole thing by the seat of my pants, with the help of others, and in desperate avoidance of catty comments by more accomplished agility ladies.

Those agility ladies, mostly scared me in the beginning.

Ruby, bless her little heart, just went along with the whole thing. Not sure why. Oh yeah. The string cheese. That dog, complete food whore. Will put up with most anything to get a treat. The foundations of her dog show career.

So here's some things that maybe help you, or someone you know, if you're ready to go to a dog show. Shouldn't be scarey. And most important, just come find me and I'll help you decide if it's front or a rear cross, a hot topic in our classes these days. I'll be easy to spot this weekend at the SMART trial in Prunedale. I'm the garbage man at this one. It's a glamorous job, but someone's gotta do it. Just look for the scowling lady with the chubby knees with rubber gloves and a big bag of trash dragging behind her.

Before the Dog Show

You entered. Nice job. You should get a confirmation email, that has important stuff like what time to be there, how to get there, and whether it's black tie or cocktail attire. For the SMART trial, all this stuff goes up on the website, carefully placed there by yours truly. Because when I'm not being the garbage man for the dog club, I'm the web mistress.

Looky here:

http://www.smartagility.com/events/index.html

Pretty! But also has run orders, so you can see the dogs that you'll be running against, if you go early or late, stuff like that. You should try to check this and just make sure you entered the right thing, and if something got messed up, let the trial secretary know early in the week that something got screwed up somewhere. Tell her on Friday night and you are gonna have one stink eye cranky trial secretary the next day. And maybe she is my pairs partner, don't you know. So let's avoid keeping her up late Friday night.

Plan your outfit! Pack your car! But really, plan your outfit. You want to look GOOD.

At the Dog Show

Get there early. Because you need to not only haul all your crap from your car to your highly coveted little 12x12 patch of land and set it up and learn how to set up your canopy but you need to get your dog measured. Which happens when the judge gets there, not necessarily the time on the info sheet. Judges are late sometimes. They need more coffee. Their feet are sore and their flight was late and there was a snafu with the rental car and the motel room sucked. But you'll get measured, don't you worry.

Bring a hammer. When you pound in the stake things for your canopy, hold it on the end, not up by the metal hammering part. This is how tool guys hold hammers. It works better and you'll look like a totally knowledgeable hammerer. Three hits. Bam Bam Bam. Each stake. Like a pro.

Take your dog on a nice walk. Go play some frisbee. Take some deep breathes. Maybe you have Guns and Roses on your ipod. You can listen to that. You'll be fine.

Check out the rings. Figure out where you'll be running. It might even all just be in one ring for Starters. Look at the order, or maybe even you printed this out because you are organized and brought a little clipboard and a pen and you have this printed and you are going to collect the printed course maps for all your runs and clip them on your clipboard and take notes and memorized them and figure out the gamblers route and stuff like that. Or maybe you're like me and that would be WAY too much work and you don't even grab course maps, except maybe for gamblers but probably not.

Because you will have a BRIEFING! The judge will go out there and hopefully you go to this and the judge tells you how many seconds and how many points and the whole back to back contact thing and you can ask any questions you want. Unless you're like me and you miss the briefings and you just run up to someone to find out the seconds or the tricky bits and they are irritated because really. The judge just said it in the briefing.

We haven't even talked about gamblers and snookers rules in class. Sorry. So many rear crosses to do, so little time. Ask the judge! Or find me in the garbage and I'll tell you.

So you will walk your course, and either follow the cones and figure out front cross or rear cross or threadle or serpentine (AHA! I told you there was a reason you had to learn these words!) or you'll be making it up yourself in gamblers or snookers according to the rules you don't even know yet but you will. I promise.

You memorize it. You can do it. Just memorize chunks and turns and the obstacles put themselves in there and you can do this. I know you can.

Go put a little check mark by your dog's name on the list outside the ring. Don't all run over there at once. They will. Wait til that crowd thins out and you'll get a turn with the sharpie. Dunno why everyone lines up like sharks at the fish parade to get that sharpie.

Keep your ears open. Orders change, there are announcements, sort of just keep tabs on your ring to figure out when you'll go. Jumpers runs, maybe take 30 seconds. Standard runs, maybe a minute. But jumps have to be set, the timer breaks, the judge has to pee. A dog peed by the tunnel. Shit happens. Hurry up and wait is sort of how it goes.

Before You Run

There's this person called The Gate who yells a lot and crosses dog names off the list outside the ring. They might be experienced in this, or maybe not. They might be able to tell you when you run or maybe not. Don't panic. But you do want to be near The Gate when there's about 5 dogs ahead of you. So before this, you should have walked your dog, jogged your dog, run your dog, frisbee'ed it, done a jump or two. You don't know what your dog likes to do yet before you run. So hello trial and error!

Some of the things my dogs and my stalker dog like to do before they run. This might not be useful information. I'm on a roll. Just skip ahead if you're bored, kittens.

Ruby-sleep in her crate til 10 mins or so before when I force her to wake up and go for a jog. And run around. Then I let her go back and hang out for a few minutes until it's almost her turn. I make the gates crazy. And just before her turn, we run over to the ring super fast, run up and down outside it and try to time it so she can just run in and NOT HANG OUT outside the ring. She hates that.

Otterpop-has to go out really early and play frisbee for a while. She likes to do some warmup jumps if they're not near a clump of dogs. She hates dog clumps. She likes to sit on my lap under the canopy to feel the love before she runs. Otterpop is a basket case. I try to get her to the gate right before she goes in too and keep her out of the dog clump. Did I mention I can make The Gate crazy? A lot of The Gates are always The Gates and they know I'll be there. Gates who are not always the gate, not so happy and forgiving. Well, hell. Not gonna change.

Gustavo-he is very low maintenance. Because he grew up at these stupid dog shows. He'll hang out and tug on a frisbee or sit on my lap and can just run to the gate and go if we're having a conflict (usual) or whatever. He doesn't care. Thanks Gustavo.

Hobbes-He has to run around really fast with me and I make him bark and do a bunch of downs and give him a meatball. The secret weapon. I make him bark a lot outside the ring. Maybe I do not recommend this for you if you want people to like you. They are confused when I run Hobbes so don't say anything when I'm letting him bark his head off and leap after blades of grass. He's kind of like Ruby. Sleeps and goes, then back to sleep.

Working

You should work! But at your first trial, maybe not tons and tons because maybe your dog is not used to be trapped in a crate or an xpen under a canopy with barking dogs everywhere. Maybe they're scared. You should check and plan on spending some time with your dog. Don't let them be scared! Working is good though because you can watch good and bad and ugly handling and see your teacher mess up and it will be fun and funny! Setting bars and fluffing chutes and running leashes is so easy even a diabetic cat can do it. If you work, you will get raffle tickets to not win stuff that you don't even need, if you really think about it. But there has to be a lot of workers per capita to keep the show on the road, so think of it more as you can go home earlier if you work a lot.

Check your scores

Or not. I won't even try to tell you now how to read an accumulator sheet. It's the score thing. Just ask whoever is there trying to turn the page of the book it's posted in. Make them tell you if you Q'ed and if you even won a prize. If you won a prize, you can even go get a pretty ribbon from the ribbon table and write down what class it was. And hang it on your dog's cage. Take it home to show yer friends and neighbors and relatives and the mailman. Or not. I think I stopped picking up ribbons after my first year of showing. You might like these though, I guess people do. I'm just a jaded old horse show bitch.

Write it down on a scrap of paper if you Q'ed so you remember. Then you will lose the scrap of paper in your car. These are ways to remedy this called sign up for the USDAA website membership and also, most trials post the results a few days after the show. So then you don't even need to use your memory. You will probably remember.

The Most Important Thing

For real. It's supposed to be fun. Not nerve wracking or horrible or weeping inducing or vomit starting. Just try to enjoy it, and maybe it might even end up a horrible fiasco from hell, but try to have a good sense of humor, find some fun in it, learn from mistakes and be happy about what went right then come back to class and practice some more.

Cheap Trick Demolition Derby and what falls in between.

You know, usually I don't lose my temper about stuff my dogs do. I chalk it up to bad dog training and really fast squirrels and try to move on. But sometimes, sometimes, Otterpop makes me so crazy my brain explodes. Usually because her brain has just exploded. And then I had this Easter Sunday Religous Epiphony. It's payback. Otterpop is payback. The baby Jesus up in heaven, of Easter bonnets and bunnies and people not in league with the devil spending the day in church, on their knees, repenting, decided that Otterpop is payback for everything I ever did to my parents to make their brains explode.

"Ha HA," Says the baby Jesus, in whatever language he speaks, sitting up there in heaven in a giant sea shell, big pink polyester bunny ears perched up on his head. "We give HER, an Otterpop."

We drove up to Dixon Sunday morning, dark o'clock. Stopped and picked up a carpool buddy in San Jose and yacked her ear off, jacked up on 3 big cups of coffee. Sorry Derede. The way I am at 5am not how I am usually during working hours. Got to the dog show for the last day. Everyone else staggering around like zombies, already shown 3 whole long days in the rain and wind. Big dog show, 4 rings stretched out across a fairground grassland, with everyone running in all the rings. Usually at the same time. It's one of those shows. As I frolick out of the car in the sun, I see lots of my friends sort of dragging around and bags under their eyes and seems like I just walked into Michael Jackson's Thriller dance. If the dancers are mostly over age 40 ladies and gentlemen in fleece and spandex and slightly muddy pants, trotting as only zombies can, back and forth from Ring 2 to 4 to 3 to 1.

I know. Boring, boring, boring. Because you really wanted to know that indeed, Gustavo did weave poles. And contacts. And startline stays. And no blind crosses. First pole attempt was a drive-by, second attempt drive-by, then he saw them and flew in and Aloha, poles. Although they were at the almost end of the course and the sheer joy of the moment shook my body as if spirt posessed and sakes alive, if I didn't throw him in an off course tunnel at the very end. So no Standard Q for him.

After his run, super tall Kevin with the super fast border collies told me it looked like I was running him so careful to direct every move he made(I was) and just let loose! Run him hard! He's a man! He can do it.

Since I'll take advice from basically anyone that offers it, I tried that on his next run. I ran him hard and we ran so hard I saw the a-frame but he didn't and he ran right around it. Twice. Oops. And didn't get the last jump of a pretty darn easy gamble because of, what I think the technical term is, "Handler Nearly Falling Down on the Line due to Total and Complete Spaz Attack."

After that run, my friend Vici comes over and says, "He's just is watching you, running, and not looking where he's going." Yeah, like not even looking at the giant blue and yellow plywood behemouth right in front of your face. Crud. So much for just letting loose. So we just have a lot of bugs to work out. Keep throwing that advice out, bad or good, I'll try anything with him. He's not in a class very often, so if you're a good handler and you tell me it would help to run him wearing evening wear and a tiara, I'll try it.

He did march around in pairs for the first time, nice and tired, and picked up a Q there. We ran with our friend Vici and her super amazing black and white starters sheltie and Gustavo just acted like it's totally normal for him to stay in a down and act calm while a super fast black and white dog runs around the agility course. Where that came from, I dunno. The last run of the day thing helped a lot. Maybe he's semi trained and I just forget. But totally used good, non border collie chasing manners out there.

Ruby, had an ok day. A couple bar crashes. Refused the a-frame in her first class and hit a bar, and I just ran her again. I don't think she was lame. Just weirdo. But I never know. Ran her in Standard later on, no problem at the a-frame, but one HARD crash with a bar, then a drive-by at the teeter, took a moment to sniff around then finished up. Lame or just weirdo? i can't tell. She was running fast. Wanted to get out there, just like she used to. Just crashy. And weirdo. She's a mystery to me. I always say that. I don't care. She's my super good citizen among dogs. If she is weirdo at agility, then fine. Be weirdo. She can have a Rimadyl when we get home and lay in her bed with a chewie.

Otterpop. To her credit, had a fast and honest pairs run, with a questionable yet legal teeter, but her partner had some kind of mishap out there so I don't think we Q'ed. An ok Gamblers, with a totally do-able gamble, where I didn't hear the buzzer go off and sort of floundered a couple extra obstacles KNOWING the buzz should have buzzed, then finally gave the judge this sort of LOOK, and she was like, yep, that was yer buzzer. Like 5 minutes ago. Crap. Maybe now that I need glasses I can't hear either. Sent her in across the line way too late and that's how it goes. Being the easiest Master's Gamble in like a year. Later a couple people told me that the quiet buzzer problem had been happening. So don't have to go to the hearing aid store this morning. Although do need another pair of glasses.

Standard though, brain explosion. For us both. A lot of confusion at the gate, changing of orders, no one really knew when anyone was running. This is a tough show like that. Hard to make it so everyone doesn't all run at the same time, but also have to keep things running. I had a little dog assembly line to run Otterpop, Ruby, and Hobbes one right after each other and was late because also had to run Gustavo in a far, far away ring at the same time. So got to that gate, they told me Ruby would be up. Ran to wake her up from her nap under the trees. Brought her to the gate, someone said, "That's Otterpop, right?"

Augh. Run back get her. Hand Ruby off to the first taker that would take her. This is not protocall according to Otterpop. Not at all. Otterpop needs things by the book. Never, ever, ever break protocall. Or else. Protocall is that everyone waits their turn in the x-pen. Always. And this breach involves Ruby over there, getting fed treats by our nice friend Mardi, and Otterpop sees this, and I see it.

The Black Cloud. Seether. Ugly Genie has popped the bottle. She goes to the dark side. Right as she walks in the ring.

Stink eye, hackles, ears alert, and everything about her tiny little meatloaf shaped body says, "My brain is starting to Explode."

I know what I should have done. Excused her then and there, fix the dark side, don't worry about agility when the Seether is out. Don't let the brain actually explode.

But I don't.

My brain explosion is all, Dog Agility! Must Run the Dog Agility! Even if it's with SEETHER!

And then her brain explosion tells her RUN!

However, not run dog agility but run out of the ring to GET Ruby. At least does not go GET Ruby, but must monitor her and not do agility when there is monitoring to be done and we are doing things not according to The Way Otterpop Likes them Done. I capture her, I'm already super late to the ring, judge is cranky. I have PAID for this run, I am doing my best here, but I am not keeping things rolling along and Otterpop is Seether and that's just how that run ended. At the beginning.

I am livid. With Otterpop. Who is evil, but also can't help it if she can't deal with things not in the protocall. Rain man. I think I stomp my feet and curse the day Otterpop is born. Am not thanking baby Jesus for bringing her into my life and am wishing she was a Cadbury Creme Egg instead. Maybe I say some bad words and Otterpop's name is sort of wedged in there with them. Which you are not supposed to do at dog agility, only when they run away to eat piles of Burger King trash in the field. Start juggling dogs again, she ends up with someone else, I find Ruby, somehow pass off dogs so Ruby and Hobbes can do their runs. Hobbes got a Q, at least, and that was Ruby's big crash run. Otterpop unseethes on her own, and then I have become Seether because I am the dog trainer and shouldn't I be training my dog's brain to NOT explode instead of just letting it happen?

Um, so actually was sort of a fun dog show. Even though I whinge and complain and used a potty mouth. And also we got home really early and Gary made us blueberry pancakes.

No beer or strippers. I think.

The clock reads 3:52. Alarm is set for 4am but I'm awake and the dogs aren't and I have to wake them up to get them out of bed. A first. No one wakes up dogs, right? O'dark o'clock and that means one thing. We are driving somewhere far, far away and trying to get there in good time so I am not jumping out of the car and walking a course and running to get the first dog on the line and the dogs are like, huh? All blurry and asleep and warm in plastic boxes in the car. My new idea is, just get up earlier and less stress and get there earlier and enjoy that drive through the foggy ice swamp, past the haunted houses with plywood windows, and not be freaking out over not quite making it in time to walk the first course. And there's even time to pack a healthy lunch and have enough coffee first to be able to actually slice a tomato with a sharp knife and not any remove fingers or toes.


Ruby, lame and not even running, she's the one bouncing off walls because I whispered the secret words, dog agility, she understands 3 coffee mugs on the counter equals dog agility car ride and oops, she isn't supposed to run at all, even in the house. And not at 4 in the morning. Gustavo catches on that There Is A Party, is what he heard, and There Will Be Beer and Strippers! With swingy Nipple Tassles! Um, not quite, but it's close and so he's up and ready and spinning in his weird little circle he does when no one moving at his speed of light, and only Otterpop is not getting out of bed and ends up being dragged out from under the comforter as I'm loading up dogs into the car to drive for 2ish hours, across the mountains and through the cows. Most of the drive is pitch black, in the dark, and listening to Bon Iver and the Eels and Dee Lite. Not sure what the dogs are dreaming about, back to sleep in the back of the car.


It's just what we do, these dark, morning drives, my time with my dogs, trying to do this thing, better every time. I can see the stars over the hills. In the dark, I think of these profound sentences and mind blowing ways to make my life perfect. Something about staring at that sparkly yellow line stretching out in front of me. Except I can't write 'em down and drive at the same time, and then later on, the drive is done, the air is light, and there's more practical matters at hand like, where are my pop tarts and my shoes, and everything deep and clear and making perfect, freakish sense is gone and I have bigger fish to fry such as, to serpentine or not and would ya want to use a rear cross in there?


Let's start off saying that Otterpop and Hobbes, we had really nice Standard Q's, over in the Master's Ring. Handled the same way, people who make fun of the little dog handling. Exactly the same. Gustavo, first time running Standard in the Starters ring, where the courses are straightforward and earnest, no complications, laid out as if by singing Nuns, took 3 attempts to make it through his poles, and one extended comedy moment after a wide ass turn involving us racing each other around a jump it until either him or me jumped it. I don't remember who. It was a bit of a train wreck. My dreams dashed of my super champion acing his first standard like a pro. Hit the dogwalk contact, although not how we practice exactly, some nice moments in other bits, and his very first teeter. Which was great once we sorted out his attempted naughty cross. A hard class to run first thing in the morning with a squirrely, wild runner just running his heart out, first, and doing the whole agility bit, second.


He had an awesome snooker, blasted through all 7's for baby steps of learning to SuperQ at an early age, and a great gamblers that even had a teeter in the gamble, right on that pink line, but some screwy, uncompleted weave poles in his opening. Earned a couple Q's. Jumpers, his first, and let's just say for now, last, off course involving his Best Friend I Love You Tunnel. Have to always remember Jim's words about some of the super champion puppies, foundation trained since birth. Don't compare, accept him on his merits and train his as well as you can. Gustavo, we work hard and we've worked hard every day since you moved here from Juarez, speaking only espanol, a nearly grown desperado and I love you and everything you do! He was awarded Cutest Dog of the Trial by Richard Deppe. Never had that happen before. Thanks Judge. Almost as good as having perfect weave poles.


Otterpop, you started out rough and slow and ended up running pretty all right. The judge in her ring, not a pushy contact aggressor, and Otterpop happy as a clam to run in there, after got over her morning nerves. That pesky Gambler's Q and SuperQ, hopes dashed, even with classy runs but just didn't happen. Otterpop happy to be out in the sun, rolling on her back in the grass, actually in kind of a pleasant mood. Probably gloating that Ruby didn't have any turns and she got ALL the turns, except for the turns that went to Gustavo, who doesn't really count, she thinks. Ruby, shuffled around the grounds few times, possibly confused as to why she didn't have a turn the whole day, but seemed pretty happy snoozing in her bed in the car in the sun, before turning around, driving back into the sun, at the end of the day.

Gustavo's First Steeplechase.

She shoots in HD, so this even looks good if you zoom it up to full screen. Thanks Silvina! Too bad you don't get to see him run away from me when I go to put his leash on and try to run back into the ring. A little thing we have to work on. Amongst many others.

Secret courtroom sketches from the dog show.

I didn't take any pictures over the weekend. But I did get these.


Actual courtroom sketch of the moment Otterpop's brain just exploded. My brain just did this when I heard Snoop Dogg was going to be at the Catalyst, here in Santa Cruz, playing a 16 and over show on a Monday night. KAPLOOEY! KAPOW! GET OUT OF TOWN!


How you can tell if Ruby is going to have a weirdo run. Maybe I'm a bad owner. But she's done this for years now. I can't figure it out. She's been rested, drugged up, chiropracted, kept away from crowds, and honestly, I don't know what bugs Ruby. Mental or physical, it's a mystery. I don't even take it personal anymore. She is her own dog. She is a perfect citizen 99% of the time. This is how she rolls.


I think I might have totally crossed over the the world of dog agility lady. Sorry, my non agility friends. In hindsight, I guess it was inevitable. I am a freak for my dogs. And over the weekend, I actually talked to someone about my dog's poop for the first time. I know. That is so gross and so weird and so over the line. But I mean really. Sorry to expose this, Gustavo. But a dog that won't go to the bathroom because it's raining or because he is in a new place? I have gone to the dark side and I guess I'll never be back. Marilyn Manson, not coming to my art opening. My house, not featured in the December Ready Made Magazine. No museum show for me. Will just try to get Gambler's Q's and yack your ear off about it.


I am always happy to meet my new agility friends that I didn't even know I had. I need all of you now, you guys, since I have become a Genuine Dog Agility Lady. Thanks for coming and introducing yourselves to me. And not chastising me for my grammar. It is really easy to identify me, just look for Team Small Dog. I don't mean to be scowling. I can be a really nice lady. I am probably thinking about global warming and the auto industry bailout and whether Otterpop's brain is going to stay taped shut.

Why the leopard doesn't change it's stripes when the pot is calling a kettle black in the forest for the trees.

So the biggest highlight of our long weekend, visiting the dogs' best friend Cole down in Marin on Sunday night. He is short, same size as the small dogs. He is a very fast runner. He loves flashlights. Basically one of them. Cole spent the evening training them and feeding them about 20lbs of dogfood doing so. And running through the house for 2 hours. Dogs never wanted to leave. Want to go live with Cole now.

And on Saturday night, we all stayed in a Motel 6 that had 2 beds. With a moat between them. Filled with diseased indoor outdoor carpeting. Dual Bed Moat should be an agility obstacle some day, maybe NADAC has this one already? Because leaping back and forth between beds with tragically patterned bedspreads, never gets tiring. Kind of like a treadmill. You think dogs are tired from all day and into the night agility, but there is enough energy to leap back and forth and back and forth for hours. For 2 dogs. Ruby, sound asleep under the leaping.

So our long trial, various highlights and lowlights. Like Christina Aguilera's post partum hair. Lessons learned? One, Ruby and Otterpop love agility. They hate trials and the stress and strain holding together their personalities requires for extended periods of time. 2 days of dog show in tight quarters, only so much holding together they can do. Two, people that live in glass houses, not nice to throw rocks. Three, Gustavo is super cute until it's raining.

Let's observe.

Highlight-What a pleasant brisk and sunny Saturday!

Lowlight-Is this stuff ice? Are those my teeth chattering? Where are my fingers? Who is going to clean out the inside of my soaking wet and muddy car today?

Highlight-Nice covered place to park and let dogs sleep away the day in their comfortable car crates, instead of in the loud and freezing and cramped covered arena. Much exercise for me running to the arena and to the car, to the arena and to the car. Much like Motel 6 bed leaping game, except farther and wetter.

Lowlight-Ruby, first thing on Saturday morning, climbed out of her Susan Garrett Crate Games™ warm bed, dug through my purse, and ate a ziploc bag full of all their treats for the weekend. 2 days x 3 dogs worth of delicious treats.

Highlight-Seemed to make her pretty fast Saturday morning.

Lowlight-Sugary, carby treat high seemed to not keep working as the weekend wore on.

Highlight-Otterpop's Saturday Team events. She was fast and holding it together and the sun was out and she could spend some time out of the crowds running around on a big field. Which always helps keep her sane. Which helps her knock out speedy runs, getting lots of points. Always right up there in her placings.

Lowlight-No Team Q for Saturday. Teammates, various degrees of success. That's how it goes on Team. Mary did a fine job! Other teammate, some big weave pole issues, mainly that she couldn't do them, so some big E's there.

Highlight-Ruby's Saturday Team member. Ruby on a "Special" Team, for Special dogs. Her teammate Tazz, stayed consistent and steady and was a huge contributor to their Team Q. Thanks Tazz!

Lowlight-Ruby wasn't so much bad, we just didn't really have it together. She ran fine. Just a little erratic. 5 faulty. Some bars, some weirdnesses, when she was good, I would pull a bad handling thing causing a snooker issue. That kind of day. Nothing bad, just nothing great.

Highlight-Gustavo! Beautful jumpers run, beautiful Steeplechase. Incredible times, and just incredible to run with him. He was trying his absolute hardest, and gave those runs everything he had. Because he just loves it so much. Having a dog like him, who tries so hard, who runs so fast, and who is so sweet and kind, I can't believe how lucky I am to have found him. I will remember that I wrote that down next time he is screaming his head off at feral cats at work and border collies running in the ring.

Highlight yet Lowlight-In Steeplechase, fast a-frame to poles. He missed the entry, entered at the second pole, then flew through them. Usually in Steeplechase you would pull them out and restart the poles. He had plenty of time, he ended up with the fastest time of all the little dogs. But I just couldn't do it to him because I could tell he was trying his hardest to get in those poles and do a good job. So just went on and he didn't qualify for the finals. So was a letdown to not have all 3 of them in the finals. I really wanted him to make it there with them on his first time in Steeplechase. I know. He's a baby. I compare him to my friends' baby dogs who have super stars and that's a lot of pressure and expectation. Sorry Gustavo. You do your best and I am SO HAPPY with that.

Lowlight-Gustavo's Gamblers. Felt like the honeymoon, done. Oh my god. I think I may have a video of this. Broke start. Hit the contact but not in a trained way on the dogwalk. Freaked out at something at the end of the arena, spooked like a naughty pony, came running across the ring. Did do weave poles. Did get the gamble. Just felt like I was running a completely untrained dog around out there. He was really different in that arena and unfocused. Otterpop had problems out there too, which you will learn about. Don't know. If they were ponies, I would for sure say it was some tents selling stuff like dog sweaters and lamb livers and sweatshirts with poodles. Always get the horses. The dogs, I dunno what they're freaking out about. But definitely deer in the headlights moment with a bolt. Poor little buddy. Just wasn't a confident and beautiful run like his others have been.

Highlight-Ruby and Otterpop with their nice Steeplechase runs. Ruby, even with a bar, had a great time and made the finals. She loves Steeplechase Round 1. Otterpop, great speedy time! She loves Steeplechase Round 1. I wish there was Sunday Steeplechase more often because it's all of our favorite thing to run. So fast!

Lowlight-You know we are cursed in Steeplechase Finals. Unless I'm running Hobbes, who ran with his actual owner all weekend. I just gave him treats. Maybe was a highlight that Gustavo not exposed to the curse? Ruby, I just scratched. The pressure of 2 days of agility just seemed to have unraveled her. Pulled her out of Grand Prix already that day due to unspeakably bad flinging herself over jumps, sniffing dirt and refusing an a-frame. Steeplechase, was very end of the day. She didn't have to run. Let her sleep it off.

Otterpop. Oh boy. I can see her just losing it on Sunday. Raining. Can't be away from other dogs and the dreaded People Wearing Raincoats With Hoods EVERYWHERE. She is on edge all day. Weird things like slamming on brakes mid weave poles when at scary end of arena, deer in headlights. Big spooky moments. A judge barking moment, but in pairs so I didn't pull her because of poor innocent pairs partner. Most places, she kept it together and kept running which I know she does for me and only me when she's like that. Love of agility has worn thin by the stress of it all.

Before Steeplechase finals, she seemed a little manic and unglued. Not a good thing to have building up in an Otterpop.

But our agility friend is the judge! Wow! A plus, someone she knows out there in the ring. She needed something though, and it was a big truck speeding by the ring almost at the end of her run. Oh man. Off she goes, tearing across the ring towards the truck, barking her head off, just completely reverting back to Otterpop From the Side of the Road the Evil Truck Chaser dog. Reverting to her roots. Leopard doesn't change spots. Stress does that. At least didn't actually run out of ring to road and all the way to Eureka after the truck. I wasn't very sympathetic. I think yelled at her and marched her out of there. Not a nice moment for either of us.

So there you go. Some Q's, some not Q's. Some good runs, some bad runs. And one car full of wet and dirt and mud just sitting there in the driveway with my name on it.

USDAA at Turlock, where the cows call home.

Turlock is a funny place, out there in the Central Valley. Full of leaning, damp rotting houses half eaten by trees growing around them. Huge cowlots and swamps with creepy mist and flat places every so often populated by towns and trees. A grove of palm trees, with a falling down barn, pasture horses out on on some dirt. Norteno musica blasting from a house party where the men have stiff black cowboy hats. Old, slow walking guys in rubber boots and coveralls, non ironic and faded trucker hats on their sweaty bald heads.

It's always a weird place to drive to, because on the map, if you could make a straight line from Santa Cruz kinda towards the east, you'd end up in Turlock. But there's no road that goes that way, due to geography and all, so you can drive South like you're driving to LA, then cut North, or drive North like you're driving to Sacramento and then cut South. Either way, takes the same time. Just a weird thing of Turlock. We drove there and back in a day, doing the full loop because that makes it way more exciting.

Running 4 dogs is the funnest thing ever. And very nice for exercising. Especially since 3 of them sitting in my car out in the parking lot not super near a ring. Am too lazy to bring the whole tent thingamajig and accessories. Global warming sent no rain and weirdo hot temperatures but since nearly Thanksgiving still cool enough to just let the dogs chill in their luxury vehicle. Which now has almost 160,000 miles and needs a new radiator and front brakes. I keep thinking of it as the new car. Not so new now. Running 4 dogs meant always in a ring, even though was such a small trial. Sorry my Turlock friends for not lifting very many working fingers. No working fingers. Set one bar somewhere in the day. Was it. Sorry!!! Sorry!!!

So how were the 4 dogs?

Gustavo did weave poles! And had his first run in his long trial history of 4 classes, of not getting a Q. No more Qstavo. In Gamblers. Following in the family footsteps. After a frenetic yet contact hitting and weave pole getting (after a couple of attempts since he was just blasting in too fast and missing the first pole) I sent him in the wrong end of the tunnel. A discrimination in Starters Gamblers! No going easy on the babies with this judge. I liked her courses though. Didn't have a chance. He was just flying like a rocket and just headed into the more convenient end without me up there to show him, since I'm standing behind the pink line. Thankfully, not like Master's Gamblers and not super far away. Got the rest of the gamble just fine though. Was super fast and focusing and did get poles! And a stellar and smoking fast jumpers run without a bobble. So he's moved up to Advanced Jumpers now without ever running a Standard or Snookers or Relay class. In time.

Otterpop had some great runs. A heartbreaking Snookers though, she was the only one in her group to hit all the opening 7's, was making super fast time, and knocked a bar down in the closing. For my dog agility friends, you know what that means. No Super Q. My non dog agility friends, we've been through this. Super Q way better than Super sized Mountain Dew at 7-11. This thing you must have, and can be hard to get. Once again, eluded us like how all my other friends have museum shows and galleries in New York. I sell little drawings for $5 on Etsy. We understand the elusive qualities of things we would like for our life. Was our good and fast Otterpop out there. Had a stink eye peek at the judge from on top of an a-frame at the end of the day, but just peeked then got back to business. Was a very low key, stand back kind of judge. Thanks Judge! I believe won her other classes! With those Q's that you just stack up towards stuff for the future. Not the ones we really want! Elusive.

Ruby had some great runs. Yet another Jumpers Q towards whatever award she's at in Performance when you collect a zillion of those. And yet another Snookers Q. No Super Q for her, because the 7 was poles and a tunnel and she is all about moderation on those poles. But still a great run. Before her last run, she started doing the weird panting she does before an erratic weirdo run. I don't know why, and I'm over trying to figure it out. She starts to pant. I go, "Oh boy. This is gonna be something." People are like, oh, she's hot. Nope. You see the panting, you could get ANYTHNG out there on the course. I still take her out, what the hell, she runs weirdo, and I just pull her off the course. Sore? Tired? Better party to be at? Been there done that? Who knows. Her team name for upcoming team trial is the Bi Polar Express. It's at Christmas time. Her teammate does similar weirdo things sometimes. Maybe they can form a support group. I love Ruby, whatever she decides to do is fine with me. I'm used to her mysterious ways.

Hobbes won his Steeplechase and Standard with me, was perfect with Rob in everything else all weekend. He loves running in Performance jumping 22" now, and a nice low table and lower a-frame. My non dog agility friends, Performance is like the new Black. The new 30. Used to be out of style, no one liked it, old dogs went there for an extra 2 seconds and lower bars. Now EVERYONE is doing it. Lots of awesome dogs in Performance. Ruby moved there a while ago. Hobbes is easing in now. He is happy. We are happy Hobbes is happy. Hobbes is happy to get a chunk of cheese and to go back to sleep. He got his 570th Q this weekend and is now 21st in all time Qing dogs! Hobbes is awesome. Gustavo is hoping to follow in his footsteps. Pretty big footsteps to fill.

And their sidekick. Little Black Beauty, slept in a crate and enjoyed the sunny day. Not a lot of fun for her. Had a playdate with another teensy agility dog that could be her more petite sister with an underbite. Listened to the sound of the freight train and freeway from the car. Was all hyper and nutso when we got home and where we all see cute, hyper chihuahua, I can see Otterpop just get all creepo and cruddy and not happy with her skin. I know I go back and forth on this. Otterpop was doing better, we were the Brady's again and Jan is no longer a teen hooker and Carol Brady invents the shag hair cut and Marcia is content to admire her perfect nose in the mirror. Saw the seether come rattling out though, had to intercept what I know was inteded to be an airstrike on Ruby. After weeks of happy, lovey, no stress dogs again and the way my dogs all used to be. After 2 Sundays of fun dog show, living together in their car crate. Super bummer ending to very fun weekend. All good, everyone happy again, but I don't like seeing this, I know it isn't right.

Isn't there anyone out there, just like me but without an Otterpop, that would love a Black Beauty? We love her. But something still not right with the dynamic and this back and forth thing, wearing me thin. Tough time out there for chihuahuas, thank you Paris Hilton. Rescues full of 'em. This is SUCH A GOOD ONE. Just something about her, hard on our family.

Why we stayed home from Cynosport World Games 2008.

Do you subscribe to the USDAA email list? My non agility friends, I am thinking you likely do not. Right now, they are all bitching and moaning, like good agility people do, over where the Nationals should be held. East coast, west coast, no coast, Canada, somewhere that's not Arizona. Even though I am one of the privileged just down the street people, being over here on the left coast where we can practically see our next door neighbor, Arizona, and I had both dogs qualified and ready to go, the whole thing of driving to Arizona and a week off work, too far and complicated and pricey. Who knows where it goes next, and if Team Small Dog ever makes it there.

And now, all the money saved by skipping it goes to the House. Which has a case of the termites and needs So Much Work. A nice way to say it is deferred maintenance from the great real estate search for the ranch. Basically let the house go in the shitter because thought we were moving to the dream ranch. Which never materialized. Now, instead of looking for new property, I have termite guys come over and they all disagree on our termite types and prices but basically, the thing they all say is, move out of the house for 3 days to turn the house into a toxic yet colorful circus tent full of Vikane gas.

Now THIS will be a super fun and easy thing to do, move the menagerie of dogs, one of whom has separation issues that give her the charming personality of a rabid racoon and one which is an untrained, booty shaking chihuahua and then there's the rest of them and a semi feral yard cat that would have to go somewhere too. But think about how festive the house will look during those 2 days after the laborers kill all our plants wedging a giant and poisonous striped tent over the entire house! Move the animals where? Didn't figure that out yet. Where do you move for 3 days in a town full of No Dogs Allowed motels, with a pack of animals, some of whom have emotional issues and really like to just stay home. Maybe not a fun stay, at a seedy boardwalk motel with our crew. Did I mention the semi-feral cat? Every few years gets in a crate and goes to shot clinic for a shot, only time she's ever left the yard.

Once we've gassed the bugs, then the fun and money parting with will really start! Because the whole front porch recently rotted off, and the front door lock broke and doesn't open from the outside anymore. Did you ever come to my house and wonder why I shunted you up the driveway and in the backdoor? Where the electrical doesn't work so it's super dark and creepy? With open and exposed roof gutter drains that the roof fiasco crew never finished? Yes, you come in that way because if you step on the porch, you might fall through the rotten holes that Gustavo is obsessed with and does an OCD check on each time he comes in the house, check hole one and hole two and hole three. Checking for bugs or checking for vermin or just plain old checking, I dunno. Not that you could enter the broken front door, even if you made it up on the porch without your leg crashing through to the animal fun place known as Under the House. Where, for all I know, also live rabid racoons.

Then, when the porch is removed and maybe the porch remover and rebuilder can also pull out all the rest of the rotted termite wood all around the house, the stuff that Joel Warner didn't see during the House Painting Fiasco. The porch remover and rebuilder can tear out the bedroom wall for sliding glass door and the tiny little lily pad of wood that I call Deck but you call short box sticking off house and taking up whole backyard. And House Painting Fiasco Redux starts again at the end of things with the wood. This time, I will hire guys with paint sprayers and their own scraping equipment for House Painting Fiasco Redux. Maybe won't be a fiasco. Maybe will look just fine. As long as the paint actually sticks to the house this time. Hopefully the new sticking paint is going on the porch too, hopefully the rotten porch is actually removed and a new porch is built. That is my hope, but I learned during Roof Fiasco you don't always get what you want. Sometimes, you just want a roof and what you get is the contractor's beloved Jack Russell dies and his kid flakes and then it rains inside your house.

So the Nationals are moving where? No one knows. I like the idea of Arizona. Maybe they all get qualified this year again, even though it's harder. New and improved rules. Let's just say. Even Gustavo could go. And it costs the same as what?

Well, when me and my new friend Chris, the dryer fixing guy who used to show collies in the breed ring, were shoving thing around on the kitchen floor, really started thinking about the sad state of the kitchen floor. Chris just walked away from dogs and dog shows when he learned how political it was. Doesn't own any dogs now. Never did any agility. His love was confirmation and handling those collies. I had never even heard of the rare White Collie until I met Chris. Who I only knew for like 10 minutes and eighty smackeroos, which is all the time and money it took to give me the news about the sad demise of the dryer. The washer is it's conjoined twin. Can't replace one without the other. The super expensive motor nearly the price of the nice new one from nice lady at Sears, Julie of the messy hair. I like clean clothes. I like to have a front door that works. And paint that is actually attached to the outside of the house, instead of falling off into clumps that might hurt a baby termite's delicate little wing.

I am pretty sure USDAA Nationals 2009, in whatever location it will be in, costs that much.

In this episode, Gustavo goes to his very first dog show.

And kicks ass. OK. I was so nervous to run him. Only in Starters Jumpers. Keeping him out of rings with weave poles til those things are DONE. Did you guys see me all freaky over there? Was a late class, other dogs were done. Had to keep remembering to check over in that Starters and Advanced Ring to make sure to, ahem, actually walk his course because, well just because. Not used to going over there. How many times did Otterpop ever get her Starters courses walked? Let's just say not too many.

This is at a nice, small USDAA in Woodland. 2 rings. Kick back. Near Davis, where I went to grad school. Near the pound where Timmy came from. Far enough away that I went up Saturday night and brought Black Beauty and we all stayed in Motel 6, the one with no toilet seats. Motel 6, why can't you spring for toilet seats? And a shower drain that Otterpop was obsessed with and wanted to rub her body all over. Eeeeewww. Bring you own sheets and wear socks at all times so that you can keep 4 dogs in your motel room with you and no one cares.

Black Beauty, totally one of the gang. I think she deserves better in life than sidekick of Team Small Dog. Gary wants her gone. I happen to adore her and tried to sell her at the dog show but no one wants a lap dog chihuahua at dog agility. I love you Black Beauty! She just does whatever you want. This is one grateful little dog. Doesn't someone have a cool auntie that will dote on this dog and buy it sweaters? Little collars with faux diamonds and a matching tote bag? Come on you guys, it's a CHIHUAHUA!

Yeah so anyways. The shower drain. No! The Starters Jumpers. Gustavo was like, why you so nervous? He's been to a million agility trials, was no sweat for him. I had no idea what he would do. Run away? Act like he's never done this? Go slow? Bark at a judge? Just run around in circles like a squirrel?

Hell No! Acted like a trained dog! Just flew around, had a super fast time, and that was that. 18 seconds of Super Fun! Like did just what we practice at home! Like felt flawless and fast and FABULOUS!

* sing along now, Sonic Youth friends:
My friend Goo!
Your first Q!
You knew exact-aly what to do!
Your dirty hair.
Flies everywhere.
Cuz you are running like you actually care.
*wow Sorry Kim Gordon that I am a geek. Do you like dogs Kim Gordon?

Other dogs? I think Otterpop may have won all her classes. No one got the gamble. Was one of those freak hard ones which Makes Us More Thoughtful Dog Trainers. Everyone said, "Oh you should have been at the dog show last weekend with the EASY gambles." Oh well. We only have so many buckets of money to throw at these dog shows. Good runs all around. Otterpop, rocked. No judge issues. Thanks Judge Peggy that doesn't crowd dogs. Actually pretty darn fast and accurate and had a good day.

Ruby, was old Ruby back! Just ran her on 2 runs, didn't get the gamble and had a weird handling mishap in jumpers for a 5 faulter but still. Maybe likes the relaxed 5 hrs between runs? Dunno what it was but she was happy and easy and super fast and just no issues at all. Well hey. She just wanted to be semi retired? Whatever. Me too. We keep doing this easy schedule with her and see how it goes.

If she can walk. Because bonehead leaped up to the contraband zone called Kitty Area to eat cat food when I got home, ended up hanging upside down by her right hind leg stuck in a gap and as I write this, can't walk. Doesn't seem painful enough to rush to emergency vet, but was hanging upside down with her back leg bent behind her for like 10 seconds. Much dog screaming involved by this. Poor Ruby. Cross your fingers for her. She can be one helluva diva about things, so we'll see. Do I seem pretty blase for having a possibly very lame dog? Can I tell you how many times this dog has been lame? Yeah. Take a rimadyl and call me in the morning.

Some classy videos for your viewing pleasure today.

Otterpop makes it through the Grand Prix finals. What a relief.

Ruby makes it through Grand Prix finals. What a relief.

Want to see more? Maybe pick out cool dogs like Sweep and Ace and Jack and watch them go around? Go up to Eric's video website and just search around and you'll find 'em. Because you have all the time in the world to sit on the computer and watch dog videos, right?

2008 USDAA Southwestern US Regional Report Final Report

Hello my non dog agility friends. And hello all my agility friends even though I was just right there with you for like a week. Yes, it was still the dog show. Day 4. It was on the news! That is a lot of days of dog show. For a Sunday dog show day only person like me, it is a super lot of days and I have to say, super fun. Sign me up! I'm in for more trying to get Saturdays off work and do a couple days in a row. I had a great time. It was super fun to meet a lot of you guys my new dog agility friends who are reading this right now, Hi! and thank you everyone that invited us to be on teams for the Nationals. Are we going? Maybe a story for another day.


So some winners. Luka and Sweep and Cap in the Grand Prix. Usual suspects, except for Sweep is like practically a puppy! Augh! It is embarrassing that I still have Gustavo not able to do all his poles straight and next time I have a lesson with Jim, be all, Hi your puppy is a super champion and Gustavo has just started bringing his frisbee back. Such is life. I was putting junk away and didn't quite notice who won the Steeplechase? I saw some grand fastness happening there. And a lot of very cute skort outfits. Hey, and I won a dog bed in the worker raffle. Can I tell you how often that happens? Never until today. Not as glamorous as winning the Grand Prix, but it is sort of like Christmas that you worked your ass off for toting leashes back and forth or some such thing to actually win a raffle prize. So I am a winner too.

JARGON GLOSSARY- Sorry non dog agility friends. We are getting pretty technical here with dog agility jargon. Let's take a jargon break for a moment.

• Frisbee returning: You throw the frisbee, and dog should bring it back. Very embarrassing to have a dog agility dog that doesn't actually bring the frisbee back.
  
• Steeplechase means run really, really, really fast and just don't look at the a-frame contact and pray they hit it. 
  
• Grand Prix? You win it and you are very happy when you are at the big dog show in Arizona. Neither of my dogs won it, but I think Ruby has a bye? A bye is the happy thing, many people this weekend were either deliriously happy or near weepiness over byes. Otterpop had 5 faults in the finals. Bye bye?
  
• Buy? Bye? Bie? I think it is sports lingo. Meaning you get a free polo shirt? And don't have to compete against the masses? 
  
• Skort. You know that one now, right? Is easy to remember. Shorts + Skirt + hopefully nice legs, not chowder legs = Skort.
  
• Worker raffle is like when you work, you get some little tickets to stick in a jar to win something. Maybe a bag of treats. Or a dog bed or jump or a dog nail tool or a chair. Stuff like that. Also these tickets are great to wash in your pockets too. I do that a lot too, may have to do with why I never win raffles. You are paid depending on how desperate the crew chief is for workers. Non desperate crew chief gives you a couple tickets. The most desperate, hand wringing ones just throw bundles of tickets at you and run away screaming looking for workers.
  

So back to the report. Ruby just likes running in classes with lots of rowdy spectators screaming and clapping and whooping at her. The Grand Prix finals were the highlight of the show for her. She had one of those snookers runs on the last day, trying to get those final Super Q's, the kind that lasts like 10 seconds and involves jumping 2 red jumps in a row due to Ruby freakout meltdown. Otterpop just missed the Super Q but had a great time and got yet another plain Q that I guess we save up for a rainy day.

JARGON GLOSSARY-Snookers-we went over this once before, my non dog agility friends. 

• Do a red jump, find another thing out there that is like 7 points if you can. 
  
• If you can't, do something else like maybe for 6 points. 
  
• Do a red jump. 
  
• Do another thing for a lot of points. 
  
• Keep repeating as many times as the judge says is ok and YES everything is bi-directional in the opening GODDAMNIT! It ALWAYS is. It NEVER is in the closing. Bidirectional, just like bisexual except with obstacles. You get the picture. 
  
• Don't dawdle, whatever you do, because the 7's are FAR, FAR, FAR away like another Galaxy! 
  
• Then follow the numbers 2-7 with little flags super fast and just turn around and look for timers if the whistle blows or possibly go to another red really fast but don't if you didn't hit the bar. 
  
• Count! 
  
• Hope you go last in the run order and can make up your course out there and not have to be freaking out because you OVERSLEPT when Gary did not set the alarm and have like 2 seconds to walk the course and run first. A true story.
  

Everyone had a good standard and I made everyone have an error! Five faulters all around for Ruby, Otterpop and Hobbes. I did one of those runs where I pretend Hobbes has a running a-frame and he just goes WOWZA COOLNESS! and there you go. Thanks for doing the t-a-b-l-e Hobbes! Otterpop had a mini refusal just from a bonehead handling glitch on my part and no judge issues and a great run even though a five faulter. Ruby poppled out her poles which I take as stress about to happen so I just kept her flying along and just flew her back over a bunch of stuff and out the ring. She seemed happy enough. She wanted the screaming crowds back maybe? Has diva issues? Sort of like aging Madonna and no one is watching her and then she goes and starts adopting kids from Africa and developing giant bulging leg muscles?


Otterpop was happy to get a bunch of Q's. I was writing them down and noticed she has way more Q's than Ruby and just needs the gamblers and Super Q for her ADCh now. She has her MAD now too because we've been waiting on that Gamble Q for a long time. She is 4 years old. Ruby just turned 8. Ruby might be retiring, might not. I have no idea. Otterpop, I am really proud of you. You got better and better every single run. You are not the fastest 12-er out there, but your times are getting a little closer to Jack's and Porsche's. Very fast 12-ers. Ruby, I love you for being a weirdo and sneaky feral jungle animal that growls like a pig at home and if you don't want an ADCh it's a-ok with me.

Oops. Sorry again. Maybe not most useful report to you. And have to just live with the courtroom sketches for now until a camera is fixed. Augh! But I think you all would have had a good time and maybe you all come next year, OK?

USDAA Southwestern US Regional Report Part 2-Some Nice Things. Plus Not Nice Things.

A nice thing: Otterpop got her first Master's Gamblers Q. On one heckuva gamble! Wow! Totally exciting moment!

A not so nice thing: I destroyed another camera. My cute little snapshot camera is now dead. I have NO CAMERA. NO CAMERA. Apparently there is no camera that exists that I cannot destroy by simply owning it. Good thing I am all about court. I will provide you for now with courtroom sketches except not from the court room, from dog agility.

A nice thing: Gary came to visit the dog show! He got to see 3 of my runs-Standard with Otterpop, Ruby, and Hobbes. Gary NEVER comes to dog shows. He got to meet lots of dog agility friends and learn about dogs' feet touching yellow paint. In 1 short hour, became quite a contact afficianado.

A sort of nice yet not so nice thing: Otterpop was so besides herself with joy, that she prefaced her run by running over and out the ring to go see Gary, and even though she came back in and then went through the timers and knocked out one smashing run, she got 5 faults for holding up the show. Whatever.

A nice thing: Otterpop was so excited about Gary who now knows what contacts are watching her instead of judges that she didn't have a single judge freakout, with a judge who REALLY watches those contacts close. It was like my normal Otterpop with sheep watching her out there running! Even though the judge was still watching! Ha HA! Gary tricked you Otterpop, but not for the powers of evil but the powers of good!

A not so nice thing: A beautiful run being a 5 faulter due to her joy. Whatever.


A nice thing: Ruby had an awesome standard run.

A not so nice thing: It was after she had this whole moment of coming out of the chute in the beginning backwards, and sniffing around in the grass.

A nice thing: She snapped out of it, and then it was one heckuva old Ruby out there.

A not so nice thing: It was a 5 faulter. Leaving the chute backwards and meandering around the buffet table aka some GRASS for a while equals 5 faults.

A nice thing: Hobbes had a super awesome Standard run and even did a nice speedy t-a-b-l-e and no dropped b-a-r-s.

A not so nice thing: He had a couple mini meltdowns elsewhere in the day. I am worried he has been hanging around with my dogs too much?


A very bad thing: Steeplechase all around. Judge freakouts, bar crashing, a-frame refusals, just wretched. Let's just say no Steeplechase Finals on the last day of Regionals for Team Small Dog.


A nice thing: Grand Prix finals. Wow-2 good dogs! Otterpop was flying, and I ran her so fast down the contacts just to get her away from Scott the judge (Do you know him? He is one eagle eyed contact spotter from GETTING IN THERE REALLY CLOSE) that she missed one. I dunno which one even. I was just running and not watching with her. GET AWAY FAST! But I was really proud of her. Ruby had an awesome fast clean run, and was holding her own up there in the standings last I checked. Dunno how she ended up. Lots of dogs in the finals. But it was old Ruby back! Not sure where she's been, or how long she'll be here. But I was super happy to see her again! Thanks Ruby! Thanks Otterpop!

Uh, once again I don't think I can tell you who won stuff. There were so many awesome dogs and handlers there, it was really fun to watch as much as I could. Super cool to see all these dogs I've never seen and totally different handling styles. Arms this way and that and facing this way and that and rear crossing here and blind crossing there and just a blast to watch. Thanks everybody-I wish I could have took your picture! Will try to do some more sketching on the last day. Must draw super fast...

Hello and welcome to the USDAA Southwestern US Regional Championships Report!

Here are some things I can tell you about. Um, you wanted to know who was winning stuff? Uh, I am probably the wrong person to ask. I am really bad at keeping track. I don't even know if I made the second round of the Grand Prix? I assume not, unless someone tells me I have to run tomorrow. But my dogs were ok. They've been better, but they've been worse. I'm not sure if Ruby wants a dog show career anymore.

Really, everyone seemed like they were having a pretty good time. Festive! No freaking out that I was hearing. A scarey moment when a super champion dog had a seizure right in his weave poles. He'll be ok. I ran leashes for a big chunk of the Grand Prix, and I CAN tell you what the latest style in leashes is. Sort of plasticky, woven slip leads with some little beads on them sometimes. Also saw a whole buncha dogs I don't know from far off lands like LA and Oregon and I don't know where else. An agility tattoo of a dog in a tunnel-maybe this is a famous agility lady?

I didn't see anyone weeping in the ladies room. Always a good sign!


The people from the news came.


Eric is videoing my good runs. He will try to be at another ring during my bad runs.


Rob took REAL pictures of dog agility.


I don't know what Sue was trying to tell me. This lady is one fierce competitor. In a do-rag.


People came in all kinds of rvs. Some were really super gigantor ones.


Super cute little ones.


Jim and Sue did a lot of course building.


Karey demonstrates Stop in the Name of Love hand, a useful dog agility move.


This Laura looks VERY supermodel in her skort.


Mary does the robot while her dog weaves.


This is also a Mary. Hey and she is doing the robot too!


Derby did a fine job on this weird angle first jump. Tammy is catching up to me in age now. She just turned 40.


Hobbes, not so much on his weird angle first jump. He is kind of having a first jump thing.


Hobbes, why do you do that?


Sometimes, you can just be a big huge dork.


And very, very fierce.


I hope I didn't give you a phobia. But can you see why I am so crazy about Hobbes? He is the cutest border collie I have ever seen.


Killy is a multi talented border collie.


Very tricky trick. Dave told me Erika loves my blog. I think he was rolling his eyes.


Tater just came for the Grand Prix on Saturday. Tater is one of my most favorite dogs. Him and Ruby go Way Back.


This was Otterpop's pairs partner. Thanks for being a good dog for pairs and Grand Prix Otterpop! You held it together. Baxter the corgi was very happy about that.


Jeep flew all the way from Connecticut. Her and Katie are super champions! We hope you win!


For Team Small Dog, it's mostly about just going down to a giant, empty field before getting back in the car and playing frisbee for a while. Eating some pieces of cheese. The agility part? It's ok. The running and barking and biting and frisbee and cheese part? Right on.

Today begins the Countdown to the Regionals.

Starting on Friday, the Frozen Margarita Ring Games begin!

I just found that out. That one of the rings feature frozen margaritas during the Friday night pairs classes. Truth or just mean rumor and when we get there and find a bunch of waters from Costco? I'll bring some beer. Now I am super highly motivated to get there on time. If anyone sees my partners, tell them I'll be there! I am still at work! Then stopping at the liquor store! I am super at running courses I haven't walked.

So it is also known as Bayteam Regionals. Bayteam is my other dog club and this is one heckuva doozy of a trial coming up this weekend. 5 rings. 3900 runs. Starts out with Friday night Pairs, which Katie has told me feature margaritas and she is coming all the way from Conneticut for margarita agility. Look for her black and white sheltie. Look for my blue tent Katie! And a buncha little black dogs. I think the margaritas will be a good thing because I just heard on the news that it is going to be 180 degrees this weekend? Is that right? What is the melting point of stain resistant skorts?

Then on Saturday is work and Dam Team and work and Grand Prix. The work sort of weaseled back in there. I am skipping the Dam Team part. Thanks work! So hi! If I am missing my walk through you guys will show me where to put dangerous front crosses, right? Walking courses, highly overrated.

Then Sunday and Monday are just loads more classes and Steeplechase is in there somewhere and hopefully Gamblers and this and that.

So maybe you heard me whining. My dogs were like kidnapped last weekend by these Stepford dogs. Taken prisoner from the super speedy and accurate and well behaved Dirt Nite dogs, practicing for sheep dogs, Stepford dogs at the trial.

You think I am joking right? I present for your perusal, thanks to Super Cool Video Guy Eric:

A little video I like to call Otterpop stares at the judge all the way over the dogwalk and plans her attack on him to be launched after the a-frame. It sounds like a baby is screaming in the background. You can see my chatting with her on the table. "Otterpop you CAN'T BARK at the JUDGE!" He committed the sin of man in hat too close to dogwalk. Augh!

Or how about a little video I like to call Ruby who runs insane like and IS NOT TURNING and leaps off the table into my stomach before crashing through a jump. Right? Like do SANE dogs jump into your stomach off the table before laying down? Ruby, you are so feral sometimes.

Right? Enjoy! See you for those margaritas and beer! Cross your fingers the Stepfords are gone and I will be arriving this weekend with my REAL DOGS!

It's like you know, all emo girl, like but, like without the hair.

So is this thing on? Can you hear the soundtrack here? I am channeling Black Sabbath and singing you the classic rock tune Paranoid. You guys all know that one. Think of me as sort of a folk singy Emo girl wearing a stain resistant skort instead of pegged pants and silver stud belt with creepers. With some liver treats in the pockets. How did I go all emo girl? You know them, they are like the myspace version of Morrisey girls from the '80's, of which I never was. Late bloomer. I feel all these new tattoos coming on. Like a new hobby! Folk singing of classic rock hits and tattoo getting. Perhaps because to take the place of dog agility which, to quote Ozzy, you will laugh and I will cry. When you hear the kind of weekend I had. A weekend that has me reverting to quoting Ozzy Osborne. We may be hitting some kind of rock bottom here.

I mean really. After watching a bunch of runs, my agility pal and role model of good dog trainer, and who is a genuine doctor of PhD, says, scratching his head, "Maybe it's not your dogs, maybe you need to go into therapy?" Sort of sums up the whole dog show weekend. And makes tattoo collecting sound better and better. And has me brushing up on my guitar strumming in hobby change preparedness.

Like let's take Ruby. How about 1 run manic speed with no control, 1 run frozen can't move off the startline, 1 run lopes slowly around, 1 run half slow, half speed and speed crashing through jumps. Cannot do a-frames anymore and runs around them. Like no pattern. No reason I can find. Nothing we ever seen in training. Just this whole bipolar weekend of insanity. I doubt any Q's. Have no idea.

Like Otterpop. Who reverted to judge staring, freaking and barking. Until I HAD IT and with one last little bark, pulled her out of the ring and marched her to the car and stuck her in there, jail time. Which sadly worked and she ended up with a bunch of Q's but still. That's just no fun. Dog punishing by locking up in a car because she hates a judge? I could be at home practicing the chords for Foghat songs and drawing tattoos of frozen in the headlight deer standing in line art landscapes. That take up whole, entire backs.

Otterpop at dog shows is not the dog I usually do agility with. Same with Ruby, at least at this dog show. Agility is super fun with my dogs. But these weirdo Stepford dogs, 26 faces of Eve dogs, creepy girl twins out of the Shining bloody elevator dogs, I could do without.

So I dunno. Hi all you Bayteam and SMART pals that come and say hi and hope I don't go to jail this week. More on that later. You guys all see my dogs. Usually I'm like, whatever. My dogs are weirdo, I dunno, life goes on. This weekend, closest I ever got to dogs making me sit down in my portable dog agility chair from Target and go all weepy and and write bad poetry in bic rollerball on my sneakers. Drama queen. Frustrated over a stupid dog show when polar bears are floating around on tiny ice cubes and John McCain is counting his houses on 2 hands. Like I'm not crammed into the Superdome forced to drink my own urine. But still. When I sent Hobbes up there on that dogwalk instead of in the tunnel, just wanted to crawl in a gopher hole and turn in my soccer cleats to either of the Crew Chiefs Mary. Trade them for some raffle tickets to win a shrink wrapped basket of biscuits, and leave that place, barefooted and off to the tattoo shop.

It is a dog show weekend.

So we were at the SMART USDAA in Prunedale today. Drive through artichokes, past the castle, turn left at the smokestacks, through Prunetucky and you can't miss it. Declared it a holiday at work, and am living high on the hog, 2 whole days of dog showing. One reason was for Steeplechase. Because we love love LOVE Steeplechase. And exactly how many of my dogs qualified in it? 

How about exactly zero! 

A day off work and no one made Steeplechase Finals! To the tune of one dog who ran slowly and stealthily UNDER the a-frame to give stink eye to a very sweet YOUNG man judge, before running up and over and to a nice fast finish. After barking at a judge in her Standard as she ran over and down the a-frame. Oh MAN. And maybe another dog who after a manic morning of speed with errors, just sort of pooped around Steeplechase all blase and what is wrong with my dogs? I think we got some Q's, and in some stuff not some Q's. No Gamblers Q's! Ha HA!

But I can say that Gustavo played frisbee out on the field and came every single time I called him! So now there's looking on some sunny side up! Yes, every single time! Like I would say, "Come!" and he would just come running! This doesn't sound desperate, right? I was serious happy and proud of that. And he even brought back the frisbee a couple a times.

You know that cheery song by Ween, You F*&cked UP? I was listening to that song on the way home. I saw a big dead roadkill turkey on the side of the road and a teepee out there by the Latino rodeo spot. I forgot to bring my camera. Little snapshot camera, since I f%#cked up and killed my dad's nice camera. Hopefully recovering at the camera hospital in Illinois. Anyways, and was thinking, how come I am not the lady that just kicks ass every single dog agility course every single time? They say, "Come and join the world team kick ass lady!" Instead I am the lady that kinda screws up. Even when I'm thinking I did an ok job?

OK. Maybe don't answer that. Unless you have the exact solution for me that will work. But I do try!

And I thought, if I was a proper weepy competitor, I could curl up and wish to die and just be so bummed. Emo girl. Morose. Switch to all black clothes and big eyeliner scrawls around my slitty stink eyes. How age inappropriate would that be? Of the fact we don't exactly get better anymore, that we sort of just have dogs shows like this. Use that emo to drive some better competitive spirit home and get better. 

Instead, repeat performance of some barking at judges and slow moments and crashing through bars and careening off the table. And I'm in the car and merging onto super fast hwy 1 traffic, just driving fast and screaming along with the Weens super loud and just thinking it was still an a-0k day. And maybe tomorow, it's a better day. Maybe it's not. Not sure how to try harder, not sure how to try better. But like for now, we can just be rockstars in my mind maybe and then have a nice big slice of cheesecake for dinner.

This whole dog thing, just for fun, I think, right?

The entries just went up for the big dog show called the Regionals. Five rings, five judges, sure to be mayhem. This is the one that many, many giant motorhomes come to full of fancy winner type dog agility people. You know them. They win and make videos and write books and maybe are sort of hard to beat. Maybe wear little spandex pants. Is a dog show that maybe seems a little bit more like a horse show than a dog show. Maybe a little bit stressy and people get a little bit worked up over stuff. Little bit hot and bothered. Soon we need to start bringing our golf carts and walkie talkies and look out for the Big Fight with the gate steward. Knock-down drag-out at the warmup jump. Catty, hushed yet not hushed conversations about who sold her that dog. Horse. Dog. Horse. Wait a minute. Is this my work or is this hobby?

I am not sure what days I'll go. Ruby is on limited runs now to keep her sound, Otterpop sort of just trucking along currently but I don't think she needs to do a lot at this show because the mayhem of it all it might blow her little cork right off her gourd. Like let's just say no to DAM team. Let the dogs rest and be a nice helper around the ring. Fluff some chutes. Set some bars. Are going to be a lot of bars to set. Don't need a motorhome because not too far from my house. A huge plus is it's close to my work so maybe I can enter Saturday Grand Prix and no horses suffer in the name of dog agility hobby. Grand Prix judged by a team small dog reader! Wow! A small world, dog agility is.

Maybe attending Regionals based on timing of classes times drive real fast down the bumpy farm roads from my ranch out to the park in time to maybe walk the course but maybe not, sort of weird way to base your Regionals dog agility experience. Maybe not good use of mental management techniques. But any other way, maybe not the Team Small Dog way. Just am hoping, this year, if I mess up in the Steeplechase Finals, the snitty ladies, you keep your snitty comments sort of low and more quiet whispery so I they don't burn up my sensitive little ears on my sheepish shuffle out the ring.

America's funniest dog agility videos and they are me.

Here's some videos from last weekend. They are humbling. I sound like a dork, I look like a dork and I handle like a dork. I guess it's official. Now I am seeing why all my friends steer clear of this whole agility thing. I am going backwards in the making it cool department.

Watch Ruby almost get stepped on, have me do the lamest crackhead thing I've ever done to pull her out of the poles under the guise of "Front Cross" and just handle like a weirdo maniac. Poor Ruby. Why, why, why, do I do weird shit to her in the show ring? And I wonder why we just can't get it together. She is MORTIFIED by me is the problem.

Then watch Otterpop sort of lope around her Steeplechase course, with me going Pop! POp! POP! like every second. Shriekzilla. Just shriek a little louder lady. She must think I am the biggest freak. I think, someday, she will figure out it's just not that bad in the show ring. Until then, enjoy some amusing dog video.

Quit laughing. I can hear you all the way over here.

A couple of days at the USDAA.

Since I had paid a bucket of money, and orchestrated the mission control project known as making a Saturday off of work possible, I decided life goes on and just go to the dog show. So off we went, for 2 of the 3 days of the Bayteam USDAA Fourth of July Fiesta. Am glad I did. Lots of kind words from you all about my Timmy, and lots of people who know exactly the way you feel when you lose the best dog. And with my attitude of just enjoy the dogs because they won't be here forever.

So where do I begin? Since our theme this week has been heartbreak, can I tell you a new tale of heartbreak? Perhaps not scrawled with tattoo guns and thick needles, or a fiery cowboy brand seared across my heart, but maybe a Sharpie writing in medium bold strokes. The thick kind of Sharpie. Total tagger graf kind. Not a skinny sharpie, my friend Hobbes. Who was knocking out a stunning standard run, tight turns and speeding along when the rest of his day was maybe a little slow. And we came to the Table. The dreaded. The evil. And for the first time, Hobbes, with the beautiful tail and bellowing woof, brown gold lizard eyes and big chomping teeth, didn't even blow me a kiss. Not a peck on the cheek. Considered for a second, teaser, then stood there. Eyes staring straight at me, then diverted, and just said, No.

Not sure if he wants to break up, dear diary. I don't think it's someone else. I missed his next standard run from a holdup in the Gambler's ring with Otterpop, and a highly qualified ringer took my place and he just danced around up there like she was shooting a six gun at his toes. Is it him, not me? Is that what he would have told Rob had they gone to counseling? Old patterns hard to break and replicating themselves? I'm just the rebound person and I'll just have to accept groveling at his feet while they stand up straight on that table from now on if we don't break up? But I told him I loved him. We always have a great time on Wednesday nights, where he runs like rocket and flies into his table down in a heartbeat. I guess he just thinks it's some casual thing. Did I get too serious on him? He needs his space? I just can't deal with this right now, Hobbes.

And Ruby. Talk about couples counseling. She's my steady and true dog at home, watches me, listens to me, sets an example. With me on every walk. Plays and runs like the wind when we practice, and has been knocking out the stellar dogwalk contacts. So we had 2 runs that I loved, she loved, we both loved. Was like running a tiny bullet around. I have to be one of those screamy handlers with her and it just makes her fly faster. And I made an error at the very end of each that cost a Q, or in the snookers, a Super Q. A little handler screw up from my giddiness of a kick ass run. But it was ok. Because it's about the joy and the dog and the fun and I am trying to let go of ADCh envy. Learn to love the lifetime achievement points perhaps we rack up with useless, extra Q's in things.

But on some runs, we just disconnected. Is she trying to tell me something? She didn't seem sore, I think she was as sound as she gets. The weather, was nice. The running surface, within her realm of acceptable. But something just didn't click with us, ships passing in the night, and we had some weirdo runs with offbeat timing that threw me for a loop. A bar in the gamble. Dogwalk contact here, slow startline there. I went off course in the Grand Prix I was so rattled. A horrible jumpers.

I dunno, Ruby. I have never been quite able to figure you out. We got you through the fireworks and everything with our booming Classic Rock party in every room of the house fireworks night, we do that for you. I thought we were tight. I thought we were through this phase in our lives. The patterns repeat. What would they tell us in couples counseling? We need better communication skills, us both? I know there are tiny witches that talk to you in there, they tell you weirdo obsessive things, but I thought they weren't coming with us this weekend. Maybe they didn't, I offended you somewhere? Front crossed too close? Let Otterpop play with your chewie? I dunno, I dunno.

So, ok, anything nice happen at the trial? Maybe won a dog toy in the workers raffle? Got a good parking place? Got to the porta potty right after the suction truck sucked it clean and added fluffy new toilet paper?

Well, let me tell you about my Otterpop. I'm calling her Otterpop 4.0. I can't believe it's my Otterpop who couldn't be near a truck. Or a man. Or couldn't take a step without a frisbee glued into her mouth to keep her from going postal on all of the above. With a hair trigger temper and no self control. Otterpop 3.0 got over that stuff from Otterpop 2.0, but creepy creeped around the agility field, feeling naked maybe without her frisbee. And exposed to all the prying eyes that could shoot poison darts through her heart. Otterpop 4.0, maybe not the fastest 12" dog out there, but maybe not the slowest. Maybe starts off the start line a little shakey, scopes the venue for judges, zombies, you name it, then settles in, focuses, and makes up time best she can. Didn't put a foot wrong. Had some bobbles here and there, one ring had a scarier judge and a dreaded loudspeaker system actually attached to the judge so she could call out gamblers points which would have sent Otterpop 3.0 right into a tizzy then and there, but this Otterpop just trucked along, maybe didn't get the gamble, but still.

Did you hear me out there? About all I could ever exclaim was, "Otterpop I am So Proud of You!" Over and over, run after run. I am so not a screamer when I run Pop. More like a chatterer of words of love. She has to feel the love when she runs. Lots of Q's, her first super Q, second in the Grand Prix. Won a standard. Flew around the Steeplechase finals, even though Jack the sheltie beat her by a good chunk of seconds. But hello. Otterpop in Steeplechase Finals? Right? Yep, because it's Otterpop 4.0. Never got tired, always happy to go out and run. Maybe is like how you feel when you win a Pulitzer Prize. Your kid graduates medical school and moves to Africa to stop aids. David Lee Roth picks you out of the groupie lineup. Whichever. How I felt after every time Otterpop tried her hardest and told me she never wants to stop.

These are not really supposed to be part of a handling system.

OK. I am not sure what Greg Derrett's system says about weird pointy fingers. I haven't gotten his videos yet to do my review session. I can't really remember if claw-like, pointy talons are a big part of his handling system. I am going to guess that this part I have improvised all by myself! There are so many nice places one could point while running around a course to indicate grass, sky, judges, parking lot, shoes, and ears.


Here is a nice picture demonstrating the sheer panic pointing finger. I actually remember why, I had missed the front cross I was hoping for and had to run this whole little section of the course with rear crosses, which I am convinced Hobbes hates me doing with him, and I know I did something weird, I was so paranoid of making him hate me, and he hit a bar. So that all covers the sheer panic screamy face, but not sure what I am pointing at to go along with it? Sheer Panic Gratuitous Pointing, not part of the system.


So I believe that my left hand is doing an out, which is part of the system. Hooray! But it is like an arthritic claw of an out. Uh oh. And my right hand is pointing to what would be a blue circle if we were on the Twister mat. Just sort of running and pointing and luckily Hobbes knows the system and is not wondering about where the blue circle would be if we were doing Twister. Will have to check, but I believe arthritic crab claw is part of that T-Touch stuff and not Greg Derrett Handling System.


I am VERY sure kneeling at the 26" table and showing fangs to the dog is NOT in the system. Like I am boring him into laying down and staying there with the sad saga of my front tooth. Wait til you hear that story. It's a doozy, but I won't tell you because you'll never come back to Team Small Dog. I believe that Independant Obstacle Performance is part of the system, and either scaring dog with fake tooth or boring him with the whole story of the dental fiasco to get a down on the table is Not Independant Obstacle Performance. But possibly not pointing here, may be crossing fingers behind my back if I am telling him some kind of fib that will get him down on the table. "Hobbes, it looks like you have something on your tooth? Like some spinach? Is that basil? No, that tooth, over there..." until the And Go.


Here is a pointing hand pointing at the earth. I suspect my left hand is pointing somewhere too. And Otterpop is like, "Duh. Teeter going down. Called Gravity, you knucklehead. Don't need to point at it." Gravity, definitely part of the system. Pointing out to the dog? Not.


Crooked pointy finger indicating the grass at bottom of entire yellow zone. Let's put that in the independent obstacle performance group. Because pointing at the grass at the bottom doesn't really have anything to do with run all your stubby little legs through the yellow painted bit. That is a lot to explain with one bony finger.


Pointy finger indicating a late front cross. Or perhaps this is on time. This is either a stunning example of my handling system or just really sucks. I can't tell anymore. I believe this is correct pointing unless Otterpop interprets as giving her the finger and gets mad and tries to bite it. I like this picture. It's not often I get to see Otterpop looking like a tiny, little pony. I can tell you I never, ever point at the real ponies though.

Somewhere in here, is a moral about being a degenerate handler at the USDAA trial.

Well. Today I learned that some of you are using the techniques and methods of dog training brought to you by Team Small Dog instead of methods by agility luminaries such as Susan Garrett because I told you she is a witch. And perhaps some of your agility instructors are dismayed. That's right my friends. They have tattled on you. And come to me, pleading, "Laura! They say 'But on Team Small Dog Laura says just run really really fast to the teeter and that's ok!'" Or, "On Team Small Dog not all her dogs have 2 on/2 off contacts! And she says that's OK!" And they may compare their agility trainer's car to the Team Small Dog messy car because we all have too many dogs and xpens.

Well. Let's use today's USDAA trial as a little story for you. The kind of story with a little moral at the end where you go, "Ooooh. I see the Danger in My Ways and Perhaps Susan Garrett, albeit a witch posessing voodoo powers, may have a point in some of her methods, whereas the methods of Team Small Dog may be more akin to the MTV show about the skateboarding dude with his giant body guard that live in LA with a pony in their house and do stuff like teach their dog to skateboard down hills on busy streets." Which they do preface with a little note in fine print that says, Don't Try This at Home.

For instance. Did you notice the focus of much of my little posts all week had to do with Ruby being lame? Ruby kicked by a deer and dragging herself half dead, out of bushes. Ruby lays in her crate all day. Ruby came up lame halfway through last weekend's USDAA trial. Ruby has done nothing but sit around and rest all week. From these statements, it might be reasonable to draw the conclusion, perhaps not run Ruby this weekend at the trial. Perhaps based on the facts, Ruby would be a lot better of with a little vacation of her own that has no deer or agility equipment.

And that was sort of my plan. Until I woke up the other night thinking, I should go to the USDAA Nationals this year! I should pay buckets of money, lose buckets of money at work, take a week off and drive down there and let Team Small Dog represent. Because 5 faulters should get a chance to get whistled off the course just like everyone else. For my non agility friends, USDAA Nationals is a hulking heap of a fancy dog agility show in Arizona at Halloween time that all the cool people go to and it is time consuming and expensive and hot and you do like 2 runs and maybe get whistled off. And everyone is like, "You are so LAME! You NEVER go! You SHOULD GO!"

And I am like, muttering..."Oh too expensive and hard to get off work and what a pain and my dogs are inconsistent and Otterpop would freak out and blah blah blah." But instead of doing something useful like sleeping, I am thinking, Oh What the Hell. Maybe we should try to go this year. My dogs should be qualified, they always get Grand Prix Q's, and Ruby at least has the Steeplechase Q's, Pop has her Team. Non agility friends, you need some special scores to be qualifed to go. Without losing you, my non agility friends, let's say it is like you are going to a party and the only way they let you in to the party is you are required to bring 2 bottles of tequila, 2 bottles of vodka, and one box of donuts. None of which you can just buy at Safeway, but must earn them through the voodoo powers of a magic genie.

So, I looked up our scores. Ruby is fine on her vodka aka Steeplechase, Otterpop has her donuts aka Team and both dogs have a bunch of Tequilas, aka Grand Prix Q's. Because you can hit a bar and get tequila. Earning tequila is easier than earning vodka. You need to rub the genie tummy on a Saturday to get vodka. Donuts are a whole other story. But no wins in Tequila. And it is better to win one, not just earn through voodoo, because it is like getting a free no hangover card at the dog show. So I am thinking, if she is a good dog like she was last week, maybe we could win today. This is planning of insanity since it has been a sleep deprived kind of week. Because see all of the above signs that are screaming, DON'T RUN THIS DOG.

So, of course I run her. Duh. And it looked like a run of the drunken, bloated kind of sugar infested alcoholic who would mix tequila, vodka and donuts. I did her pairs class first, just to see how she was. We had a kindly grandma with a poodle for a partner. Who is competitive as hell and doesn't like to lose. And she goes around clean, and Ruby follows with her bit which, halfway through includes a teeter fly off (never, ever, ever has happened with Ruby) runs around some jumps, runs out of the ring. Um. I am like, oh so sorry, don't know what happened, apparently dog gone insane. Sorry, kindly grandma.

And should have figured there, perhaps dog is insanely sore, even though not limping and may cause erratic behavior? But in my greedy mind, I am thinking, let's just try one more time for that Grand Prix win. Can you see where this is going? My poor dog does 3 obstacles and just goes insane on the Grand Prix course. Runs around the a-frame, runs around a tire, runs around me, just running frantically around everything out there but not going over or through anything and did I mention at some point I am just standing there still, muttering to myself, "My dog has gone Insane?" And when I finally called her in to me, had her jump up in my arms, to excuse ourselves out of the ring, the screech of pain she makes sort of says it all.

I cheerfully yell at my friends, "Don't mind me, dog just gone insane!" as I try to collect my leash and shaking dog and many people offer advice as to numerous causes of insanity. That course so twisty! Perhaps I was unclear with a signal? Um, perhaps I am just an asshole and tried to run my lame dog.

Moving on. Maybe I should have started on a more positive note and told you how Otterpop Q'ed in everything and was relaxed and had good times and was placing and just clocking around like a happy Otterpop and didn't even flinch when the judge giving her the table count was like seriously right there next to her. Although I had to scratch the afternoon stuff anyways to go out to work where we were holding an event that I had bailed on. (Oh Laura and her Dog Shows!) So didn't get to run Hobbes in Steeplechase finals. Did get to run him in Standard, which wasn't so smashing. A bar. Hello 5 faults and a pretty ugly table too. My friends that are agility students, listen to your teachers when they tell you to not call your dogs over the jumps.

Always listen carefully to them, blossoming students on your pathways to agility greatness. They want to help you be a clean runner and not a 5 faulter. There is a method to their madness. My friends who are agility students, maybe even at Nunes Agility Field in Turlock, let this sordid tale be a lesson to you. What have we learned? Do I need to spell it out to you? Just because you have trouble rubbing the genie tummy on Saturdays doesn't mean you need to be a greedy tequila hog. Tell that one to your favorite trainer this week. Just say it's the special agility code you learned on Team Small Dog.

Conditioning of the Performance Dog-a primer.

If you have a USDAA show on a Sunday, it is probably Not a good idea to Not let the dogs do anything fun or exciting like training or running or even walking briskly or even walking slowly the 2 days before. We will call this poor conditioning.

We will call running their asses off for 2 days prior to the 2 days of sitting around doing absolutely nothing, running including but not limited to: near impalement on objects, falling off ravines, potentially getting kicked by deer, eating carion and general mayhem, perhaps not the best conditioning either.

Handlers should attempt to not stay up late and get up super early. Try not to have giant Work Events the same week as vacation and dog shows. We will call this also poor conditioning.

And then, just to make it a little more complicated, add in potential unsoundness due to residual lameness and potential deer kick to one dog. Add in one dog is young and generally bouncing off the walls. Add in one dog just nutso all the time anyways. Add in maybe dogs have to stay at home on days of giant Work Events. Add in phone calls from home to work that you can hold up for all your students, saying, "Listen to the howling at my house, you guys!" Phone call maybe not intended for amusement of students.

This could be called conditioning of the Performance Dog. Team Small Dog style.

It was USDAA and no dogs caused me to curse quietly under my breath.

So first things first. Here is the deal with little black skorts. The little black dress of dog agility.

Make sure it doesn't almost come off next to the a-frame. Hecklers may continue to point this out to you all day long. Otherwise, hello. Am sold on little skorts. A nice thing for the ladies that is not too ugly for dog agility! But not for the mens. The kilts are a little weird maybe. You just keep wearing your shorts my man friends.

So first of all. Congratulations to Otterpop for trying so hard and holding it together and not doing anything terrible or embarrassing to me. She had a couple bars on Saturday, I think because I was trying to hold her together and she was trying to hold herself together and we just sort of held it together to get around and had a bar in both her runs from too much hand holding out there. But on Sunday, she actually Q'ed in everything and didn't do anything wrong and I know she was actually trying really hard to have a good time and run and relax a little bit. She did drink a bunch of my coffee Sunday morning. So from now on, I give Otterpop her own cup.

And Ruby stayed sound almost the whole time. I guess her drugs wore off and she came up lame again part way through the day Sunday and I scratched her from Steeplechase finals. Her Steeplechase run on Saturday was the bomb and even though she hit a bar, had a smokin' time and was just fired up and the Ruby that I LOVE to run. Whole Reason for Dog Agility Ruby. Startline comedienne and all. She got some Q's, and some 5 faults from some bars. One 5 faulter from a very diva dive from the dogwalk into a tunnel next to it, with total and complete disregard for the yellow. Like so very Mariah Carey leaping onto the kraft services table to bathe herself in the cupcake platter without thinking about anyone else's love for an untouched cupcake. We practice that one. Running to the bottom. Not bathing in cupcake frosting. I'm sure I did some crackhead thing to broadcast to her early to just go ahead and jump ship and get in that tunnel. Such is life.

Perhaps not unlike Hobbes in the Steeplechase finals. I just had this feeling he might do that, seeing as how there is a big fat tunnel just staring you in the face as you're pummeling over the a-frame, and I have just let him blow by a contact like that before. Because I just need that extra whatever hundredth of a second instead of using brakes in Steeplechase finals. And blow by it he did. With a great run but ending up with 5 faults worth of time added. So maybe I won Rob enough money for a pizza for dinner. But maybe just a small cheese pizza. And a couple beers. But not very expensive beer. He had a fabulous standard Q with a happy love table with me and Q'ed in everything all weekend in his runs with Rob his actual dog owner because he is the most genius rockstar of all border collies. Like a non suicidal and still alive Kurt Cobain of border collies. I like sitting in the grass with him and making him bark. As stalkers go, I am easily amused.

Gustavo spent the weekend shoved into one small crate with Ruby and Otterpop. It is like all the clowns in the tiniest volkswagen, shoving in and out with their clown shoes flapping. The horror that the visions of the paranoid schizophrenic are made from. I didn't bring all my dog stuff. I had room to shove one crate under a friend's tent and that's where they stayed and they had a nice, snuggly weekend of Team Small Dog Togetherness. Sorry dogs. Sometimes I'm just mean and lazy like that. They will have plenty of time to get over it because we're taking them up to Booneville for a few days today. To sit around on a sheep ranch and do exciting events such as fetch the stick from the pond. Even Timmy gets to come.

This would be called our vacation and I will be wearing a skort. Because what is a vacation without 4 dogs? Is perhaps like going on a cruise around the Baltic Sea for a week or staying at Oprah's Hawaiian island villa except it is sitting in a little house on an old sheep ranch for 2 days and one of the dogs has alzheimers and one seems to be lame. And this means no internet my friends. I will be looking across the valley from a hammock. Writing pamphlets. I'll be back at the end of the week.

PS-Thanks Eric of Agility Video Service for the videos! They are flattering and don't make us look fat!

You just jump out of the car, grab a dog, and run.

So, I am careening off to work early, and, on a super busy day, leaving my partner with a whole mess of work and horses early so I can drive as fast as I can to the USDAA trial put on by my own club. So I can get there maybe in time to do Standard and Steeplechase. If I'm lucky. And maybe with 2 dogs if Ruby stays sound. And probably without walking the courses. AND, in a cruel yet typical twist of fate, it's a small trial, which means it should run smoothly and quickly and get everyone out of there early! Probably just as I am pulling into the parking lot! In the unseasonably hot heat. Sounds great right!

Everyone here can be trained to do stuff with hot dogs.

So the other day, I didn't go to a dog show on a Sunday. Actual friends came over. And friends always bring toddlers and dogs to my house. Because what is a party without dogs running through it chasing down toddlers who just wanted to eat their own hot dog. And because a houseful of dogs that enjoy chasing balls thrown by toddlers means time for another glass of wine. It's a crowd that isn't really thrown by occasional sightings of dogs up on the buffet table. They just fling 'em off and crack open another wine bottle.


It's weird, having actual Sundays off. We are skipping the giant, crazy trial this week called Haute Tracs, a 4 day mega trial with DAM Teams and like a million tries at Standard and Gamblers Q's. All the cool people take off work starting Thursday to go. We are not cool and have to go to actual work instead. And then I decided not even to drive up for Sunday. Because we have a curse at Haute Tracs. I have had Ruby come up horribly lame twice at that one and Otterpop just totally melt down once. So wow. Another whole Sunday of no dog show again.


I already feel a little left out. Maybe I'll have another party.