Weave pole tug clinic-a primer.

Well, we took a bit of time off the campaign trail to practice some driveway poles. Where are these getting us? Not sure. But all these trials are coming up, and I feel like we should be Actually Practicing and not just Thinking About Practicing. These are Different Things! As Team Small Dog reader Ellen put it, "Only on Team Small Dog, where reality is only one point of view." Yes! Because let me first tell you when I got dressed today, I decided to channel Nancy Botwin! You all know her, right? She lives in the planned community of Agregstic, and last we saw, was in a spot of trouble with the gangsters and the Christians and all the while, slurping her $4 coffee in a plastic cup while tackling the day to day realities of being a full time hot suburban lady and a drug dealer. Because I just have been feeling Nancy Botwin lately. I have no pool. Would be a terrible drug dealer. And I never buy the $4 coffee. We use the actual stove and sink water that does A-OK for us but sometimes I still just wish things would flow out of my mouth like hers. I guess she has writers. I guess I need to work on my craft.

Um. But Nancy doesn't wear skorts actually. Or navy blue slip on vans. Or polyester cowboy shirts.

Anyways. Carry on!


So the idea today, get everyone all crazy with a tuggie then speedy poles.


Ruby, check. Can I tell you what tuggie we are using? Is perhaps cheating, Greg Derrett. It is named Bully Stick and it is made from a part of a bull that is shaped like a stick. A sort of wide, longish stick. You guess what part, my friends. So not vegan. I will make the hippie tofu for dinner tonight and repent and my yoga teacher said be in the present so that's where we'll be, and the bull that lost his stick part for our weave poles, he is likely long in the past.


Otterpop, you are going to have no frisbee and just the tuggie stickie dickie thingy!


Works great!


Gustavo, you are why we have a skort, so I can sit in the dirt with you, on the driveway and we can PLAY! I am more fun than even Otterpop, think about our can-can days of high kicking, the day we showed our underpants to Barack Obama in the name of Getting Bush and his People out of the White House. We were so wild and drank Jagermeister and joked about the days when maybe you had less focus for agility for reasons that allude me, since good god, we're doing shots, red faced and nosebleeding and everyone is shouting ALOHA at the top of their lungs and just keep me away from those power tools.


And here's the poles. And here's me.


And there you are. You are so cute and you sit on my lap. You wake me up by climbing over the pillows standing on my hair and pulling it out at the roots and you run like the wind at the beach. Sometimes I wonder where have I gone wrong? I did not do the Crate Games enough? I did not tug enough? I need Control Unleashed mat lessons? A personal trainer? All of the above? Probably not debuting in the Starters this summer.

Our Consistent Handling System, Part 3.

All right. Today we were going to work on directionals in the yard using the tunnel with Gustavo. And he found bugs in the tunnel. And I am supposed to be more motivating to my dog than the other things on the field and than the frolicking border collies and then we hit this snag with crawling pincher bugs. Something was not clear enough to him. And he really, really, likes those bugs.


So we decided to come inside and watch the basic Foundation Video some more because clearly we need that. Today's section was on Wait and Stay, while the computer played the DVD with more tips on Front Cross timing.


And I was thinking how weird is it to be a sunny day, and my day off, and I am inside with the video machine on? Doesn't that seem wrong, like sort of lazy? Is dog agility a leisure activity? Is it a hobby? A sport that mostly ladies like, although here I am watching a video by my agility boyfriend, a Man? Making one or the other of us the Other? Should we be reviewing this from a feminist perspective? Wasn't it just yesterday I used I tried to explain it and might have even been using signs and signifiers, which are very, very, SERIOUS tools, not for a hobbyist ever to try. And are of course, from the French, not even the English. We don't even know if Greg Derrett likes stuff from France like post structuralist theory. I betcha he likes french fries at least.


And the whole crux of this involves play. Getting the dogs to play but in a very, very SERIOUS way so that they do not screw up at the Dog Show, which is really a trial, which again sounds very SERIOUS, because there is a Judge, who is in charge of the scales of justice, making sure there is a balance, usually a balance between good and evil but really a balance can be any kind of dichotomy. Crap. And wasn't it Derrida that always was talking about dichotomies and pairs, but NEVER Master's Pairs where you get to run carrying a dog toy? And how come I keep running into Derrida who is like the MOST confusing guy ever, when I am just trying to explain easy and clear and consistent handling? Like I can't even read Donna Haraway's new book, which even quotes Derrida but always in the context of dogs and Donna, she's a wicked front crosser, whenever she can with that speedy dog of hers.


And then after all that, this is what the real dogs were doing.


And this.


Oh boy. Are you guys beginning to see why maybe it is we don't quite have those ADCh's for everybody yet? Thank god I'm not trying for a PhD at the same time.

Our Consistent Handling System, Part 2.

So here is a nice way you can watch Greg Derrett. How about one video on the video machine and one DVD in the computer. So at the same time, we did front crossing review and the importance of getting your puppy to actually play with you and have a preference in playing rather than taking any agility equipment. And ate a burrito for dinner too. Is called multitasking and maybe is why I need to have so many dogs because I am sort of busy, attention span of a flea?

So the preference in playing with me means definitely as opposed to tunnels and teeters and it should be more fun to tug on the rope. Augh does this one plague us. Gustavo is a wild and wooly tugger, we practice in the house. We practice in the driveway. We practice while other dogs are running and making it SO FUN. But when hegets out there, on the field, leash off, the tunnel beckons and the teeter glistens in the sun and those things are more fun.

Back to square one. Because we want to be Consistent, we really do Greg. Because then I am watching your box exercise on the DVD and I realize I am devoted to your system. I am a BELIEVER! I understand you. I am a good Listener and I am Teachable! You are a front crosser and you have rules that are the rules I have learned and try to remember but sometimes don't. And you have your boxes set up on the farm, in a beautiful english countryside, and I see cobblestones and 300 year old bricks and I hear ducks in the background and sometimes a leaf blower, and every time you make a boo boo with one of your dogs, who both remind me of Hobbes, even though they're girls, the words flash up on the screen.

Great Dog. Shame About the Handler. And I know you are speaking to ME.

But Greg. We promise. We promise to follow these 3 easy rules:

When your eye is on your dog, the dog is reading your shoulder, NOT YOUR FINGER! Greg has said nothing so far about pointy, awful fingers.

When you are using the arm and leg nearest to the dog, it makes sense to the dog. Like you are speaking dog now and not some language such as engineering or critical theory. You are not using quotes by Derrida and signifiers. It is just the easiest one for them to see!

And being committal, and knowing when they are committal, well, that's just good common sense. No one wants anyone committing to anything too early or too late. Although it happens all the time. And if it is a movie such as Sex in the City, which maybe you are getting a review of very soon, we know committment to be a hard thing when you are rich and beautiful in New York City. Such is our life. Oh wait. Actually not.

So here's the deal. When you go practice today, you write down your rules. And, let's just briefly mention about where you are actually putting in these front crosses. Like on your turns, never your straight lines? Right? That one is easy to remember. Let's all recall back to Madonna's like a Virgin period and Like a Prayer phase. And she is dancing around and there are burning crosses and the black Jesus is crying and wait a minute, did that whole thing make very much sense? What would Derrida have said about it? Is it clear? Is a burning cross like a front cross? Did Carrie Bradshaw have a Madonna phase? Does Madonna live near Greg Derrett in the English countryside?


Well, look. Madonna wasn't super clear with her crosses and all and then Pepsi fired her and I think the burning cross was to make some big bucks and she broke up with Sean and I believe got a tiny chihuahua and that should be plenty of easy ways to remember where the front cross is (the Turn) so you can have it before the Straight Line. Phew. Aren't you glad I'm helping you get clear and consistent with your handling system?

Our Consistent Handling System, Part 1.

Look who's in my computer. My agility boyfriend, Greg Derrett! He talks like Kate Moss. He probably knows her. So the only thing is, my Agility Boyfriend Greg, in the first 30 seconds of talking to me in my computer, he showed me pictures of border collies tugging with frantic border collies running circles around them and said that by the time I am seeing this, I have trained my dog to always: Play Under Any Kind of Distracting Circumstance Because It is Highly Motivated By You Regardless of His Environment. Check. Hi Gustavo, we got that?

The the border collies are running around in circles while his dog has a perfect stay, and he says I have trained my dog to have a solid wait Regardless of What is Going on Around Me. Because the border collies are running and running and his dog is just sitting there, drooling at the thought of running out to him and doing some jumps when his Kate Moss voice says, "OK!"

Then, he said that I have taught my dog directionals. And we saw his dog jump about a course with him nowhere in sight but I could hear his sweet Kate Moss voice calling out, "Close! Back! Close! Back! " to make the dog turn and jump and turn and jump and turn and jump and he is sitting in the lawn chair with margarita. Or a pint of Guiness? What do we drink in England, Bernadette? And I suspect there are no ugly Home Depot lawn chairs in England but just lovely garden furniture. So that's where he's sitting with his nice English drink. Gin and tonic maybe?

You know what my DVD is called, right? Great Dog. Shame About the Handler. This may be painful. You know what? I watched the season finale of Lost instead.

This was a day involving some Serious dog training.

Right? They look pretty serious. Sort of. Gustavo, that's about as serious as he gets. I know. You were like, is she still trying to teach Gustavo agility? Did she just give up?

I am happy to report we practiced on the way to work, and he remembered everything. Remembered it good! I was sort of worried, because last time we didn't practice for a while, he just forgot a bunch of stuff. He learns so, um, differently than the other dogs, and sometimes he just doesn't retain information like I'm used to dogs doing. But he retained today! I made everything super easy-jump grids, jump to a-frame, tunnel to dogwalk, jump to teeter, jump to open channel poles. Didn't do any sequencing, weirdo turns. Super speedo little freak of correctness! His dogwalk contacts are a little frantic from all the tupperware training, so we need to beef those up again because his preferred contact is hit nose quick on target then just self release and RUN for tupperware! Which will be good someday like 2 years from now but not yet.

Otterpop got to practice. Ruby, being on vacation, had to sit there. Super dog torture. But I thought, how about seeing if she does obedience? Like when you WALK around and your dog prances next to you and listens to your every word like you are God although I think you aren't allowed to talk in it? Would not have been quite the right sport for me. Sport? Did I call it a sport? Activity? Hobby? Thing to fail at? But that's what Ruby got to do. Is no leaping in Obedience as I understand it. Get rewards for prancing which I believe is called Heel and then just sit there and not move or shake and lay there still? She bobs her head up and down and then starts doing roll overs when she lays there because she did not get the memo this is called Obedience and it is Very Serious. And then I had her sit and come when I called which was a bad idea because she just made a beeline for the closest jumps in a row assuming I was doing some kind of cracked out snookers leadout.

Clearly, we stick with agility. Obedience totally not our thing. She looked pretty normal though. I'm still keeping her on vacation but hopefully she isn't as broken as I was worried she was.

Hey they use really long sentences in the New Yorker too.

Do you think when your computer is making a constant clicking sound from inside it's tiny little guts, it is a bad thing? If my blog disappears soon, you may know why. Send help.

I read this on the newyorker.com, "Loading up an empty elevator car with discarded Christmas trees, pressing the button for the top floor, then throwing in a match, so that by the time the car reaches the top it is ablaze with heat so intense that the alloy (called “babbitt”) connecting the cables to the car melts, and the car, a fireball now, plunges into the pit: this practice, apparently popular in New York City housing projects, is inadvisable."

Last night at Dirt Nite I had a little break between teaching my beginner's class and running Ruby, Pop and Hobbes in class. Yes. I run a lot in class. I set jumps a lot too, so I just pretty much am out there run, run, running for an hour and a half. I like running. Only when it involves dogs.

So during the break I took Gustavo out and practiced him on some of the equipment that no one was using. Did some dogwalks, some teeters, that kind of thing. There was a little sequence set up with a straight tunnel that I had used earlier for my class, having them threadle out of the straight tunnel to a jump. So I ran it with Gustavo. He's never done a straight tunnel. Or a threadle. Duh. Oh my god. It was like a teensy, tiny 12" cannonball coming out of the tunnel, and with no threadle, no way to pull him to the jump. He was just blasting away and out somewhere else. And I could tell he thought this was the coolest thing ever.

Like a kid who discovers a diving board. Or how to skateboard down the steepest hill. Or setting fires to Christmas trees in elevators. And he kept sending himself back up to the teeter so he could release off it and into that straight tunnel. I think he would have done it all night. If I was a good dog trainer, I could have used this opportunity to start to teach a threadle arm. But since we only had a few minutes, I was a bad dog trainer and let him keep shooting himself through the straight tunnel because it cracked me up. Perhaps inadvisable.

Maybe if they had some dogs and some tunnels in the New York city housing projects, it would keep the elevators from being turned into fireball pit plunging tubes.

Don't lets make this into a thing.

A weird and disturbing thing happened the other day. Dog training is so hard. Do you hear the sound of my head bashing against the wall?

We were practicing and all of a sudden, the big muscle dogs from down the road came running up to the fence and scared Gustavo. I mean, little weenie that he is, it wasn't really that scarey of an event. The dogs came up to the fence and barked. Gustavo is a tiny little 12lb dog who can run like the wind, but pumpkins can scare the pants off of him. The big dogs don't scare me, but then, neither do pumpkins. And he generally does like to freeze and stare at unknown big dogs he sees from far away when he's running on the beach or in a field. Seems like a smart thing to do when you are a puny little thing. But then he likes to go play with them.

So when the dog posse came running up the lane, big, meatheady, tan country dogs, charging the fence, who woulda thunk he would have been all that phased? I am used to tough and mean little dogs that, had they been over there would have either ignored them (Otterpop, if I had the frisbee) or maybe just given them a look and a quick charge back, then back to business (Ruby, if I had a chunk of cheese). And the big dogs were on the other side of the nice, tall fence. But his bodyguards were parked on the other side of the field, and it was just him out there.

Gusvtavo acted as if his whole little world was coming crashing to a halt. I mean really. Crashing. And, he shut down. Deer in the headlights. Slammed on the brakes. Frozen. Not moving. Stuck.

Here is where we part ways, dog agility friends and non dog agility friends. Dog agility friends all gasped when reading the last paragraph. Non dog agility friends are like, "So the dog stopped running. Sounds like a nice time for a cold beer!"

But It means. Turn off brain. Lose drive. Go slow. Something I thought I would never, ever, ever let happen with this dog. Not once. Not a single time.

I have lived through Ruby who was a MAJOR shut downer for years. She was the first dog I ever trained and hugely challenging and would shut down completely the instant I made any kind of error or a dog walked by or there was a noise or a fly on the field. Screeeech. That is the sound of her old brakes. It took years for me to channel her natural and intense prey drive for the powers of good. And every so often it still goes haywire.

Then I got an Otterpop, a paranoid dog who can run with blinding speed everywhere, except for at a trial which freaks her out. And I tried this and that and Susan Garrett and this and that and I never have quite hit on the magic combination that makes for a dog that has 100%, non distractable, all the time drive. Here is where my dog training skills go weak and buckley. Because the Good Dog Trainers say that "Your Dog Needs To Only Think That Agility is The Best Thing Ever to Do With You At All Times. The Distractions Should Not Be Higher Than The Intensity of Your Dog's Drive to Play With You." Augh. I have to go to work, and to be a good dog trainer I have to teach my dog to PLAY better. Smash head against wall again.

I had my mini border collie dreams for Gustavo. Of full drive, all the time. Which quickly became apparent that border collie, he ain't, not even close. Which is ok. I wouldn't trade Gustavo for even Oprah's ranch if she was going to Big Give it to me. OK. Maybe I would think about it. Don't send self to Sophie's Choice Mental Hell Game. But fast running, he does. And the first time seeing him compute the fact that, Hey, I could stop running now because I got scared, totally freaked me out.

So I had to quick step into what would I do if I was teaching agility class Right Now and this happened to a student? I would say, "Let's not make a big deal about it. Don't make it into a thing. Back up, do something SUPER EASY that he likes for a reward he loves." Which actually happened to a dog when I was teaching the other night and we patched it up lickety split.

What is his best reward? Better even than hot dogs in a tupperware?


Play bitey face frisbee with Otterpop. This is different than Otterpop's version of frisbee. Hers is old school. Someone throws the frisbee and you get it. His involves she chases the frisbee and he attacks her and she attacks back all the way to and from the frisbee and he makes an attempt to get it but really Otterpop owns all frisbees and that is a lot of work to get it. And play over and over and also get a treat sometimes when he actually gets the frisbee away from her. So that's what we did. He snapped out of it and played. And then I'd quick park Otterpop, have him do a couple jumps, chase the frisbee himself, and then get Otterpop out of her parking space and let them chase it together. Repeat, rinse, repeat.


So we didn't really end up doing much agility. Even though I had taken apart the dogwalk to make a mini table dogwalk, dragged tunnels across the field, set up channel weaves, lowered the a-frame, essentially remodeled the whole agility field just for Gustavo basically, who now I am afraid to do anything with except a jump and a frisbee in fear of ruining him.


So we fixed it. But I saw it. And even though the advice I gave as an agility teacher the other night was "Don't lets make this into a THING," I have this seed planted now of the ugly I saw. And I want it to go away. Don't I always try to have an ending on a story, like a HAPPY ending, like a sitcom? Like Laverne and Shirley? Isn't my life a nice sitcom and every episode ends so HAPPY? Thanks Laverne for fixing my dog! Don't lets make this into a THING.


There. Ha. There's a partial frowny ending. Doom and gloom. No more Mrs. Sitcom. Laverne and Dog Screwing Up Lady. You tell 'em Otterpop.

The Important Work we call weave pole training.

So, last time we checked in, Gustavo had sometimes wires on his poles, channels still open, and was flying through like a banshee due to the magic of tupperware.

I am happy to report we have wires off. Although when we go visit unknown poles, I've been putting wires on the entries/exits just because. Because he is Gustavo. But we have our channels at home almost closed and he is fast and low like a tiny little border collie, and when we go visit unknown poles I only visit ones that I can open out a little bit. Just because.

But here is the part we really, really like.


So you have seen my dog agility field driveway. We love it's soft, rubbery surface perfectly manicured grass yeah it's a driveway. But the dog agility field is conveniently located on one side of our back gate, the other side being the other dog agility field back yard known as the nice place to dig up the gophers near the contact trainer. So, when it's time to practice poles, everyone, even Timmy, has to stay behind the back gate and they are VERY SURE I am taking tupperwares out to the Special Tupperware Placing Platforms also known as some bricks on either end of the poles. And the mayhem starts behind the gate.

Usually I let Otterpop come out first and do a couple sets of poles. Because she always nutso anytime you do anything, she is our choice to warm the crowd up. Like one of those manic, bad comedians whose act could involve chainsaws and giant cubes of cheese. You can just wave a frisbee in front of her face and get insane barking. You can do just about anything around Otterpop and you will get insane barking and spinning around and leaping.

Then it's Gustavo's turn. He is already in a frenzy because he BELIEVES in the power of the tupperware, and flies through his poles a few times, back and forth.

Then, Ruby who is probably by now making growling pig noises unique to growling pigs and Ruby, comes out. To get them back behind the gate, at this point, they have to be dragged through it by their tiny little collars because it is MAYHEM! Usually whoever is behind the gate is having a war on a stuffed squirrel too. I run in there and tug on squirrels with them between dogs. Probably I am yelling stuff like GO GO GO and OW and GIMMEE BACK THAT SQUIRREL!

Then we go through the rotation again. Another couple times through for Otterpop. Who is always surprised and delighted to be part of this whole tupperware scheme that originally was just for the puppy. And on through the ranks. At this point, it is like wrestlers attacking the gate. Like that sport where guys with beards and tattoos are attacking each other behind a chain link fence? Is that real sport? Or like old school roller derby. It is scarey and we love it. Gustavo is shrieking and flinging himself at the gate and the neighbors are like What the F*** is the She Doing? I usually vehemently discourage barking in general but for teaching Gustavo, and for bringing Ruby's pole speed back (which seems to be completely back on our dog agility field driveway poles), they can be in complete frenzy insanity for all I care and the neighbors are just going to have to understand I am a Real Dog Trainer and this is Important Work going on over here.

Teaching Go-a primer

I took the dogs out to practice before work yesterday. Boy do I wish I had my own big grassy yard.

I am lucky enough though to rent a friend's field so I can practice alone at least once a week with a genuine a-frame, teeter and dogwalk. I am always in a rush because before I can practice I need to move her sheep to another pasture, drag stuff around to set my puppy sequences, lower the a-frame, put wires on the weaves, and drag tunnels everywhere. Then undo that, have the other dogs do some sequences without wires and low stuff, put everything away, including sheep, and somehow get to work on time. My riding students are used to it that I am probably going to come flying down the driveway of the ranch late because I had to "practice with the dogs." Or fly out some nights at the stroke of 5pm because I have to go teach agility. They are indulgent of me. They are, perhaps wisely, concerned their trainer spends a freakish amount of time playing with her dogs, but those who question too deeply may have to ride longer without stirrups.

Most of what I practice is for Gustavo, since he's at a crucial state of his dog agility development. Today we worked the a-frame and teeter into a sequence, poles into the endless loop frenzy with tunnels on both ends, and starting learning Go.


The field is about 80' long. I set up a staggered line of jumps and an empty chute barrel and let 'em at it. There was a magic blue tupperware at the end of the line. I was tired. I decided everyone could practice just racing down a line.


So everyone did this a bunch. It was actually a great exercise for bar knocking Ruby to jump Carefully at Speed. And for Otterpop's distance skills with me layering objects out on the side. Gustavo, just running his ass off, and me running too so he learns I run fast, he runs fast, we all run fast, obstacles straight in front mean run fast, and there's never any not fast at agility.


So each dog ran that thing at least 10 times. That would be up and down. So 20 times per dog. That is 60 times for me. Why I look more like a post-partum pre-rehab Britney Spears on a bad day in the photos and less like a super toned Icon For the Over Forty Set Madonna with all that running is besides me. Let's never, ever buy jeans at the Gap again, ok?

Contact training in small spaces-a primer.

When you have a teensy space to train in, it does help to have small dogs. That is a fact I cannot deny. Team Small Dog might have included big dogs by now if we were living on a ranch with space. We patch together a driveway for the poles, make a tunnel out of a box, and have a modified contact trainer/table thing for contacts. You just do what you can do. I practice anywhere, and everywhere I can. What I would do for a big, flat yard...like one would have if one owned a ranch. A real estate story for another day.


We have dabbled in many contacts. My friends that for whatever freakish reason, don't do agility, you see, they have to run FAST over things made of wood and touch the yellow paint with their feet. Easier said than done. Ruby had a 2o/2o that I modified into a running dogwalk and a-frame, and she runs to the end of the teeter, stands for the ride down and runs off. Otterpop has a 4 on the floor that has been modified into a running dogwalk and a-frame, and she slides into a down on the end of the teeter and holds that til it hits. I'm Super Proud of Otterpop's contacts, and Ruby's do pretty good. Her dogwalk can be dicey when she's really fast. We practice it a lot. Gustavo is learning the same teeter as Otterpop, a 2o/2o dogwalk, and a pure running a-frame at speed. I would love to try teaching a Silvia Trkman dogwalk, but with no space to practice consistently, we're just going with the tried and true.


We only practice the a-frame at top speed, channeling Silvia, with it still super low to the ground. We do this not at my house, where there is just no room for a-frames. So I am like the a-frame slut. If you have an a-frame I can lower and practice on, I am there. I am shameless. As for his dogwalk, he's been over the whole thing a few times, but mostly he practices on running down from the top, or on my thing in our backyard. I want it fast, and a solid, quick set of brakes that release just as fast. I have a modified contact trainer wobbling on a patio table sort of wedged up against my house. Looks great! The game is run over there, up on the table, and down the dogwalk board and slam me a contact.


They all like to practice together. I let them do it. It might be bad agility, but it cracks me up to see them throwing out all their different contacts over and over to see if I'll toss anyone some food. Otterpop usually just shoves everyone else off the top of the dogwalk board like some crazy, drunken pirate. Gustavo is pretty serious about his contacts. He's usually like this little party dude, running around like he's on spring break in Mexico and the vodka slurpees are flowing and strippers are everywhere waving banners with his name on them and he would probably be listening to like, Justin Timberlake and texting EVERYONE! But for his dogwalk stop, he makes this great pause, hits his target, stays there for a cookie, like he is SO MATURE, until I release him off to get a stuffed squirrel or a tupperware and the party just starts all over again.

A useful thing for Guns and Roses.

A nice thing to do, if you're on the way to work, and today there was no time to run the dogs, or let the puppy practice weave poles, let alone take him to practice his lowered running a-frame, is just get in the car, with the windows down, and play some Guns and Roses really loud. Maybe you would like Welcome to the Jungle. For a few minutes, you won't have that hateful feeling that all this would be possible if the ranch was just at your own house. And it will erase all the weird dreams you had in the night.

Cookin' with the Team-A weave pole cooking primer

OK. We haven't had a cooking show in a while. Today we're going to slice up some raw hot dogs!


Did you know I don't even really eat meat? Haven't had a cow or a pig or a fowl since high school. I do like my sushi and anything I shoot myself. And I HAVE been thinking about becoming a cattle rancher in Marfa. But for dog training, I am busting out the meat. I got some hot dogs made out of joyful and grateful chickens that apparently threw themselves right into the grinder at the moment before their natural death from healthy old age on their luxury chicken farm in Petaluma.


Ya slice 'em up real small if you have real small dogs. Gustavo is today's chicken eater, and he is my smallest dog. He will jump 12" and he weighs in at a puny, yet still teeter tipping, 12 lbs.


I put 'em in a teensy tupperware that you can get at Ikea. A whole set of a million for like $5.


Don't forget to put the rest away so no one gets salmonella or is tempted to attack the counter or so you can get a snack.

Allright. Here's the thing. You know what a bad dog trainer I am. I fall asleep during the dog training DVD's. I may not always use approved methods. My biography does not start out, "Laura Hartwick was a top notch obedience competitor for 20 years." I think it starts out, "Laura Hartwick's favorite shoes since kindergarten are navy blue slip-on Vans." So I kind of screwed up on all my dogs on getting them to do everything for tugging.

They all like to play. Otterpop is primarily all about the frisbee, although she definitely enjoys her treats. Ruby will tug but what really gets her fired up is a chunk of chicken inside her little thing she tugs on. Gustavo, he will tug and go crazy before and after training, but what he really, really likes for the top dog reward are some chopped up hot dogs in a tupperware.


I know. Some day, I will be fired from dog agility. I am sorry Susan Garrett. This is why I'm not on any world teams and you are. I know you are not REALLY a witch, we just all have our things we are better at. I bet I draw horses way better than you do. And that's ok.


But see, his weave poles have gotten super way faster and more accurate since I started using dead chicken chunks in Ikeaware as a target out at the end of the poles.


I have the wires off, and the channels open about an inch and a half or so.

I can send him to the poles and he drives all the way through on his own, or with me on either side. So I'm already letting him find his own entries and rear crossing his poles. I can also just stand there and then when he's through, run down to meet him at the target. Let him snarf some dog chunks. Next step, doing this with poles at the practice field! If the thunderbolts of the Tugging Not Food Commandment don't strike me down first.

I watch tv on Saturday night so you don't have to.

So I thought as part of Welcome to Marfa, we were going to watch James Dean's "Giant" last night. It was filmed in, of course, Marfa, Texas.

But someone already checked it out from the video store. We are so '90's. So I thought, I should improve my skills as a dog trainer and watch these dog training DVD's I borrowed from the Dog Club. Because that is what good dog trainers do on a Saturday night. So here you go. I watched them so you don't have to. OK, some of them. Ok, only a few minutes of them.

The first one is called Crate Games. It stars a witch named Susan Garrett. She hypnotizes dogs into winning the Grand Prix with her wiccan powers and Canadian accent. She wears little tennis skorts and bike shorts.


That's what she looks like in her pastel lime green turtleneck-a Rami color. I took a class from her in real life. She was unpleasant.


The video is about how to successfully lock your dog in the cage and teach it to think about going in and out. Bo-ring. It is sure to give you motivation and dogs that do not hear zombies, but I really wanted to be watching Giant tonight and dreaming of the Texas plains. My review? Maybe you would like this one if you had 3 margaritas.

So then we watched the next one.


Starring Swedish dog agility champion with a tan, Jenny Damm. She is fit and Swedish.


I watched the first few minutes thinking how much Sweden looks like Salinas California, and then freakishly, in the next scene, like a dog agility place in Hollister, California. I really couldn't concentrate on the dog training information. Besides the fact it was super boring, how could Sweden look just like where I personally go to dog agility events?

Because it was filmed there. It's a small world. I am sure she has much useful dog training information, but I have learned I am not a DVD of dog information watcher. Attention span of a flea. Sorry, my students of dog agility training. I am busted. This is not a winning attitude. Bad mental management! My review? Maybe you would like this one if you had 2 margaritas.


So then on tv, we watched Victoria Dominatrix Boots, Positive Reinforcement Trainer of Dogs in England. She drives a little Austin Powers car around and cures dogs of bad habits for people with tattoos. Tonight it was Chaos, the huge bull terrier.


That belonged to the nice punk rock mohawk family. Their dog humps things.


The vet said castrate him. Get him fixed, and that's a fix.


Victoria agreed. The mohawk family was good at getting tattoos, but bad at teaching their horny dog not to hump.


She also suggested, how about some dog exercise for him? Like go for a nice run in your doc martens?


It worked super. Dog trained and balls snipped. You can watch her show on Animal Planet and if you're bored, just have another margarita. Good thing the public tv station had a Clash rockumentary on for us old folks. I'm just going with the let's run really fast and I'll throw you a cookie method of dog training. Just wait til the Team Small dog DVD comes out. Lots of margaritas all around.

Distraction still life with crap.

I am trying to distract you from the plain fact that I did not practice weave poles with Gustavo for about one week, and he forgot how to do them. Completely.

I am not lying.

So instead of going out and working on them, I'll just pretend that who needs weave poles anyways and take some more pictures of home decor items. Covering up the training flaws with a little phage. That's definitely the Team Small Dog way.

I think I want to run away and join the cast of Architectural Digest.

Is it due to the sunshine?

OK. I know I was all cranky and not a good Sunshine Lady yesterday. But then I left for work, and the sun was out, and it was a day I had time to go practice with the dogs on the way to the barn, and time to go to the beach on the way home from work. And it was hot and I wore a t-shirt all day at work and no parka and no horses were bad and I had time to eat lunch. Nothing was irritating. Sorry. If you like the ranting. Actually, I was probably still curmudgeonly and mean part of the time. But today's story shall focus on the daisies and the rainbows.

The dogs were like phenomenal. Am I making you crazy yet? Ruby is back to the old Ruby which is actually a super fast, pain in the ass speed demon. We missed this Ruby! She was happy to do a little agility in her crazy freaky out of control mode that I love and run like a maniac with the other dogs on the beach. So what's been wrong with her, I dunno. I hope this Ruby is here to stay.

Otterpop practiced super fast and hit her contacts and weirdo pole entrances and attacked the frisbee like frisbee death. I encourage bad and evil behavior when they are doing agility and it makes them CRAZY. Small fast and kick yer ass. I think in dog training language Training in Drive. Training in insaneness of speed and attacking of frisbees and fast weave poles!

OK. Get ready to barf from the barfiness of the joy of it all. Gustavo. Gustavo I take it back everything I said because today you were a sharp knife, the super sharpest one that Dexter uses for serial killing! I might be a spoon but you are turning into a knife! A speedy knife who at this very moment is eating a cardboard box but anyways. We had a lot of knife moments.

He's still just running down the top of the dogwalk. But as fast as I can rev him which is Fast! And hitting his 2o/2o target position smashing wow!

My a-frame technique I am using is called the "Haul Ass Super Fast and Click for Running all 4 Paws Down to the Bottom Method." Perhaps you read about it in Clean Run. I throw treats in a bag so he is learning to not look at me on the click and out to his treats in a bag. He is getting it and so far he hits the bottom every time. The a-frame is way low. The buzz around these parts is all about Rachel Sander's running a-frame box technique but I am going to try to just take this one slow and see if I can teach a consistent hit at the bottom by clicking and running out to tasty snacks in a leopard print bag. He is tiny! Sorry Rachel Sanders!


His teeter method we are using is the similar "Haul Ass and Slide into a Down." It's just all about haul ass with him. And have a piece of cheese on the way down. I am trying to channel Silvia Trkman. I may never be anywhere near as adorable or good. OK. Not even close. But I am just channeling. And not eating so many donuts. So far so good.

Then they had to sit at work all day, on the deck and sleep in a chair. Life is hard. I actually have to work and they are lounging.


And for all my bitching, I can still stop down at Seascape beach on the way home, there's just enough sliver of daylight if I get done a little early (sorry horses and people that I run away from work do not say goodbye to you) that they can get in a quick run before driving home.

But hey! Global warming is still getting worse! Our city is planning for the day when there is No Water!

And Hilary's and Barack's health care plans don't sound very thorough!

And Patty Hearst now has dog show confirmation dogs for a hobby! Beloved Tania!

Training contacts-a primer.

All right. First you start with an operant dog. Your dog is operant right? Riiiiiggghhht. Ok. I sometimes say my dog isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Maybe he is a spoon! We need spoons. We eat Ben and Jerry's with spoons and cereal and peanut butter. Try pouring butterscotch schnaps over that whole mess and have THAT for dinner. Spoon! As dog trainers go, I am more of a spoon than knife or fork. But again, nothing wrong with a spoon, I am SORRY Susan Garrett.

Right. Operant. Click / treat. Then keep doing it, NOT running through fence to the neighbor's cat yard. Dog, not me. But dog should not get through the hole in fence. Put a brick there. Bastard small dogs. Operant dogs do not go through the fence for the cat. Good dogs stay there nose touching their targets. Operant dogs are offering you tons of behaviors. Not chasing the cat. Does not count as operant behavior. Please someone (knife, not spoon) come help me train my dogs.


We run up and over the contact trainer now for a Two On Two Off. That is 2o/2o in cool dog training shorthand fyi. Dog hits nose on a target, keeping his muddy little back paws on the yellow, and gets a treat for holding that position. Please reward with the hand CLOSEST to the dog. Keep your eyes on the dog please. Ham in a can.


I know you are doing this on your grassy dog agility field. Lucky you. Bitch. We just throw stuff under tarps around here because we are all SO Busy with dog training. Driveways are a great place for teaching dog agility except maybe not for jumping. Which is a large part of dog agility. We just do stuff like this. Gustavo excels in cat chasing and nose touching. Sort of.

Once we parked our junker truck here on the dog training field. Now we park it in front of the neighbor's house in the name of dog agility training! Sorry neighbor! We are the neighbors known as The-Ones-With-the-Wife-That-Has-All-Those-Little-black-Dogs AND The-Weird-Obstacle-course-In-the-Driveway-With-the-Goddamn-Truck parked out front. Which, let me point out, that we just have a small street and almost everyone on our street has a junker car or their bigwave jet skis or camper/vacation house/rental unit or something parked out front.



A quick tour of the closest junker cars to our house.


Can your dog stay there and keep hitting his nose on the target? While you dance around? I prefer House of Pain's Jump Around as a theme song for this. Would also accept OPP by Naughty by Nature or Hollywood Swinging by Kool and the Gang as an answer.


Get ready because now we're going to Throw the Toy to get Drive Off the Contact. Forward! Fast! Not to CAT!

My dog won't bring the toy back to tug. I should be going back to square one. He really, really wants another treat and runs back to the target. This drives me crazy and makes me feel like a bad dog trainer. Susan Garrett, just take me out and kill me now. I take him on the other side of the gate and he tugs there if it is away from the target. Only Otterpop loves toys more than food. Ruby and Gustavo really, really, really want to eat until their stomachs explode.

Repeat, repeat, repeat. Millions of times.

There is a delay somewhere.

You know when you get sick, and you just don't see things the same way? I'm sick. It makes me see things real slow, I drive slow, it took forever to take the dogs for a walk, and riding one horse was like the most exhausting thing I've ever done. Oh, yeah. Super fun day at work. Like I can't even think of anything funny to write about it, are you still reading even? Sorry. Brain has been removed for a couple days. The choice between Obama and Hilary was overwhelming to it.

So I also moved my weave poles onto an angle across my driveway instead of being straight down the side, where they've been the whole time I've been teaching Gustavo to run through the poles. Which he's been doing like a true Mexican song dog-getting the entrances, steady and straight down with the channels open about 1.5". We were doing entrances from a lot of different spots.

So he can't do the poles anymore. Like never learned them. Entrances? Go down through the middle of the poles? Just not seeing them the same way. Looks different. A whole new thing. Hello? Who let me be the one in charge of training the dogs?

A good trainer would have put them back on the straight line, and see if they still work. Then move them to a shallower angle. Maybe opened the channels back up or put some wires on. A lazy and bad trainer would just go inside and dream of Top Chef coming over to make dinner and possibly wash all the dog towels that for some reason have multiplied all over the floor even though it's not even raining anymore.

You gotta, gotta, GOTTA be careful with your typefaces.

The newest issue of Clean Run came yesterday. Do you get that? It's a dog magazine. Once my picture was in it sort of randomly, as an illustration for an article, and I felt like a big huge movie star for like 3 minutes. Fame is so fleeting. And thank god it was a flattering photo. And was being used to illustrate something I was doing nice in the photo, not crappy.

I try to be a good dog trainer and be excited about sitting down and reading it, but it's a little dry. It had a big upswing in it's design a ways back, but it seems to be going down a dicey road right now. Maybe the old designer quit and moved on to Hustler (hey, lots of people start their graphic design careers in porn) or took to the big city and became a Conde Nast peon. Whoever is designing it right now is rendering it not possible for me to read articles because you know how that kills me. Throw some ill-set headlines in unsuitable type down on some big flashy backgrounds and I am outta there.

Some of it was ok. There is a little section on puppy training featuring Jim's puppy being trained by his wife the big huge agility superstar, and I like that. Because I recognize their big hedge in the background and because I don't feel like I am doing anything too wrong with how I'm training my puppy. Although of course Nancy and Jim's puppy will come out 9 gazillion times better trained because that's the way it works when you can't finish reading the magazine because the pictures are all in the wrong places. And other reasons. But I was excited to see that one of the ways Nancy is teaching the teeter is like one of the ways I am teaching it now too. And I didn't even ask her, because I'd be embarassed at my lack of skilz. I just thought I was making it up.

The other thing people do is take out big full page ads to honor their friends who get a big award or their dog dies. That's how magazines run, the ads, man. Legit and self promo style both. For a while these were looking good but now the design is looking a little scrapbooky again. However there was one I was able to look at even though it was ugly and nasty and my eyes started to bleed out the sides. (OK, it's not that horrible. There are WAY worse pages in this issue.) Because it had a 3 year old little blonde toddler running a corgi and said she was the youngest person ever to achieve agility titles. OK. I know a lot of 3 year olds. I know a lot of corgis. I know a lot of people who can drive cars, type in text messages and cut up things quickly with very sharp knives who would be hard pressed to get around any kind of agility course. So go look on page 48 of your February Clean Run with a big slobbering poodle face on the cover and even though you'll have to look quick so the pink and blue layout with blurry oval portrait insets and soft fadey grass and sort of ill fitting headlines doesn't make you keep closing it (OK, I did have to just close it again so it's also not all that lookable) you will be impressed!

And I am pretty sure we could get your toddler to get Ruby around a tiny little course someday if you want to try!

Teaching weave poles-a primer.

Every day, we do some poles. Like every day you brush your teeth. Walk around in 3 circles and pat the wall 3 times before turning on a light switch. Have the maid whip you up an green chili omelette and a chocolate shake before the gang from Entourage comes around.

It's just what you do.


I didn't know this would be so unflattering. I am going to cry. This is what we look like doing poles? Tim Gunn, where were you when I needed you?


I mean, I really didn't know. I hate you See's Candy. It's your fault. Do you like my swanky training field though? Aka, driveway.


Right? That's what I'm saying. And Benecio Del Toro is meeting me for drinks tonight. This is an educational training guide, right? Note my fancy piece of fleece tug toy and little piece of cheese in my hand. Important training tools!


This is why we practice. I believe in this shot, he is just running down the driveway. Somewhere in his mind, he is either doing weave poles or is on the veranda having a mai tai.

Quick, creative dog training solutions for a rain based time crunch!

In a little break in the rain, I actually got to practice with the dogs for a little bit on the way to work. A miracle! A neccessity, since we are going to Turlock this Sunday and we all feel out of shape and tiredy.

It was damp. It was muddy. It was freezing. We are so tough, me and Team Small Dog.

So how do you get the most bang for your buck when it's about to rain, it's freezing cold, and you have a whole buncha horses needing rides before that rain actually starts and you gotta practice fast?

I made a little gamble of a teeter, poles, jump and tire.

Otterpop STILL NEEDS an Advanced Gamblers Q, please agility gods, just grant us one and let us move on with our lives. Gamblers is hardly ever, ever on a Sunday, and every time it is, it's either got a teeter (paranoia attack unless I am oh-so-near at a dog show), or I make some hair-brained, capital E Error (like, remember the time I body slammed the kindly yet slow moving judge?) and in Turlock there is Advanced Gamblers on Sunday.

Needless to say, you've all heard this old story a million times, when she practices, Otterpop sends out from the moon. Yes, I still can't send her to weave poles from inside a parked car while drunk, but at least I have a goal.

So I set up what would look like a horrible, gnarly gamble, with a teeter and poles, and backchained that until she was flying through with flying colors. If only dog practice Otterpop was dog show Otterpop.

Ruby likes to send out to things. Sometimes too much-if she is feeling spry and sassy, you say out and you get like WAY out. So she was mostly practicing getting these huge rewards for doing her poles fast. When we practice, her poles are still really fast IF I am close by. They are slow if I am sending her out far to them. A new part of the clue! Agility Detective! So I just practiced fast poles with me in there and her fast giving her giant, freakout AWARDS OF JOYFULNESS and frisbee attacking string cheese eating. Oh sorry, goodbye my non agility readers. I just lost you. Really, agility is the new black, it is fun and cool, I really am not lying!

Gustavo, he doesn't even do sequences. He is learning how to run up the teeter super fast and slide into a down on the yellow end and ride down to the bottom eating some cheese, and having it bang around with him holding a down. Disneyland should take note. Kids would love this. Because agility is the new black, just wait and see how popular it is in 5 years from now and everyone is DYING to capitalize on it and you are saying, damn, Laura TOLD US this would happen, and the Teeter ride becomes a theme park hit. Then the kids run off as fast as they can after it's been banging around when they are holding their stays to their target. For some weird reason, I made a target jumping onto a black bucket and laying down like it's a table. I was not drunk. It just happened and it was funny so that's what we did. A black bucket might not be that exciting for kids, how about they can run to a mud pit full of nerf weapons?

Gustavo practiced his Success With One Jump. He ran down the dogwalk a bunch. He is getting it! He also woke us all up at 4am to alert us to the impending danger from a pair of pants hanging over a chair. Remember his pumpkin freakout? Not much freaks out Gustavo except for pumpkins, and apparently, pants. UPS guys and people breaking into my car, you are safe from Gustavo but pants and pumpkins, you look out.

Hey and lookedy, got done quick, everyone got a few turns, and still got to work and horses done before the rain!

Project Runaround.

So is it just me, or is Project Runway sort of sad this time around?

Like it is more about being on Project Runway, then just being on Project Runway.

Even the entertaining ones are just really, not that entertaining. And while I was happy that Chris got to come back, and it was sad Jack had to leave (not a surprise because he leaked this to the press like weeks ago so everyone knew this was happening) I was still sort of like, left, unsatisfied. Like when you split the piece of ho ho cake instead of getting your own piece. It's good, but it could be a lot better. Because I have had my own piece of ho ho cake on more than one occasion and I KNOW how good it is.

And the thing of Steve going, who did make a super ugly dress for sure, is he was very witty and sort of was the main witty guy actually. Who is going to be witty now? Chris will be voted off soon. Christian is not exatly witty, just humorous and interesting and his hair is witty. Ricky just cries. Sweet P can jump like a monkey and she is sweet but to be witty you need to have that somewhat evil streak. Jillian and Victoria are just mean and humorless. They will grow up to become Nina. Rami is very serious. They're all just serious which means the producers will have weird challenges I bet to get them all a twitter fight. Not going to be good.

I am trying to approach training Gustavo as if we have been asked to compete on Project Runaround. So I am trying to do a serious and good job, yet also be fun and witty and get a lot of camera time. Yesterdays challenge started with "leave its" because we started training out with 3 big barking dogs running up and down the other side of the fence, as if screaming, "You are letting her make you a sissy boy Gustavo and should come out here and let us kick your ass and become a barking ranch dog!" At the exact spot I had planned to start with, my little organized sissy jump chute with a tunnel on one end and a chute barrel on the other. But, Tim Gunn was there and he said "Make it work," so we worked on clicking leave its and stays, something I haven't ever really done with him because he is a good dog. And I had been thinking, something my other dogs had done a lot of and really did build trememdous focus from them because they both had issues. Otterpop spent many a day walking around random guys in parks doing leave its. Ruby spent years doing it with other dogs everywhere. So that was one turn. And boy, those dogs have learned to leave it and stay. And they're no sissies.

Then we did contacts for his next turn. He has to sit and watch the other dogs have very fun turns of practicing real agility things, not the training wheels. Tricycle wheels. That gets him amped up. So we did contacts to build focus next. He is getting good at those, we just worked on the dogwalk and he is running down from the top now. Nice and fast and solid each time! Clicking and treating, then a fast run out to a toy which he likes to grab and then just tug with, not a fetcher. I really, really, really don't want to get voted off yet. The contacts could be our saving grace right now.

Next turn, runs up the full size teeter into his down. I've been alternating with him tipping it himself on the tables, or just running to the top where he gets to eat a piece of Trader Joe's string cheese all the way down, real, real, slow. That was today's. The only problem of this is that he loves doing this, and I have to really watch him that he doesn't run up when he's on a loony toones run around the field moment, tip it himself on full height and get scared. Which he did a couple weeks ago and I can tell has changed his relationship with it some. He is tiny! That thing is huge!

After each turn, besides just playing and tugging we do some jumps with runs to tug or front crosses or I send him over after a toy. So he thinks fast jumps are part of playing. Sometimes he gets too focused on the toy and misses at the jump. Susan Garrett saw this and I saw her shake her head and tell me to go get her DVD about foundation jumping. Augh.

So when it was his turn down the runway, we didn't get voted off yesterday but we weren't in the top group either. Our scores were high enough to avoid elimination was all we got. So at least we're still in there but we need to get better to win the next challenge. I have to remember the next challenge may be with Susan Garret and Rob and Nancy Gyes as judges and so I better keep doing better training and not complaining my dog is retarded. Project Runaround is hard for a slacker type like me.