What are we fighting about this week in dog agility?

This is sort of hard to explain, my non dog agility friends.

Let's pretend that it's the Jerry Springer Show.

The guests are:
USDAA, played by my own personal California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
AKC, played by Sandra Bullock.
CPE, played by child actor turned security guard turned reality star turned unemployed security guard, Gary Coleman.
NADAC, played by Paula Abdul who may be drunk.
Canadian agility will be represented by Celine Dion.

Jerry has asked this group to come together because they all put on puppet shows. Different kinds of puppet shows. Yet the same because, well, puppets. And there's a puppet problem.

Usually, USDAA puppet shows are have the most spiffy, new fangled puppets who demonstrate the newest in weaponry. The AKC puppet shows collect some cool cash to pay for Sandra Bullock's facelifts. CPE puppet shows, well, Gary Coleman tries real hard, let's just say. And the NADAC ones are sort of hard to follow. Like the scripts got written while Paula Abdul was drunk and then the writers had to rewrite and then she sort of had a nervous breakdown and no one was really sure what she was talking about but at least she tried to make sure no one had hurt feelings. Up in Canada? Who knows. It's really far away. Celine Dion though, man can she sing loud and she lives in a beautiful mansion with her husband Rene. Although sometimes on South Park they make fun of her and sing Blame Canada really, really loud then kill Kenny.

So what's the puppet problem? Let's just say that puppets are a coddled bunch. Their handlers and agents and managers are always trying to book their gigs between chiro appointments and massages and trips to the psychic. They are valuable, important puppets. Super stars of the puppet world. And lest I be vague using the term puppet, just remember, you got your muppets. You got your sock monkeys. You got your hand puppets. You got your finger puppets.

Oh, you didn't know sock monkeys were a puppet? For shame. Puppet shows are for ALL puppets. Let the sock monkeys go on! Sandra Bullock may hate sock monkeys, but how many of you saw the Proposal, anyways? Huh?

Anyways. Someone discovers that if you always hold a 24" ruler up your puppets ass, it stands up way straighter than if you use a shorter ruler. Actually, it's not an ass. Puppets don't have asses. They're puppets. A 24" ruler, shoved up your puppet's puppet craw, better for puppet backs! On sock monkeys even! Muppets! Big Bird! Little plastic finger puppet even stands up straighter and has no back ache! Just because the ruler is longer!

Oh, some of you are nodding your heads and stroking your heads. The familiarity of it all. You remember when there was a puppet measuring unrest a few years back. That whole debacle over the the sizing of puppet theater roofs. That one got ugly. All the roofs were different and the puppets were dying horrible deaths and finally, all the roofs got made about the same size. The Terminator was the last one to cave. He has that machine gun and just can dig his heels in and start cursing in Austrian.

So Sandra Bullock may have been first to notice this ruler thing. She travels in Europe frequently. Although so does Celine Dion and she's not afraid to let everybody know. European puppets, so much more cultured. Posturpedic. Pastoral. Such nice long rulers and Sandra Bullock's got to have them. Paula Abdul, she's all safety first and is always the first one on the massage table, cocktail in hand and she is all over this ruler thing for safety's sake. Governor Schwarzenegger, he doesn't BELIEVE in 24" rulers because those are for sissies and thinks all those puppet agents and managers a bunch of whining sissies and will shoot anybody that comes yammering to him about ruler size. REAL puppets should be able to stand up ruler or no ruler. Hasta la vista, puppets.

Up in Canada, Celine Dion waved her magic wand and became a dual citizen between the US and Canada because she bought Las Vegas and Cirque de Soleil and made everyone's jaws drop with her puppet shows but also people were pretty sure she was a witch. She has perfect posture and you can be damn straight so do her puppets. She was constantly plagued by the cast of South Park though, no matter what she did.

Poor Gary Coleman. He sort of just does whatever. He's just so short. He's probably ok with whatever ruler size everybody else picks out. No one notices.

So anyways, they all go on the Jerry Springer show together. Do I even need to tell you what happened? The Governator, had a machine gun and sprayed a round off first thing. Sandra Bullock got all insulted and starts blathering on about her box office receipts. She's smug, but she probably is making the most money. Gary Coleman just wanders around and gets lost behind Jerry's desk. Paula Abdul gives everyone kleenex and bandaids that got nicked with the machine gun fire. She just KNEW something like this would happen. Celine Dion has been pre rigged in her Cirque de Soleil airs above the ground rigging and is floating around above everyone, singing.

Wait? What were we talking about?

Dos y Dos Poles, Como esta, Gustavo mi amigo?

Smashing. They are smashing.

Yeah, because of life and so forth, we haven't been able to do them every day. Just how it goes. But we are up to 4 in a line, with a big gap between them, hitting them from all the clock numbers with SPEED.

Still doing weird driveway angle poles, 2 sets of 6.

Little experiment, ran through the full set of 12 a couple times this morning, on a little course, just to see how they were going.

Smashing. They were smashing. SMASHING, yo dice.

Dos y Dos Para Tejer con our Amigo, Gustavo.

Susan Garrett, you won't sue me, right? This isn't your 2x2 method I'm regurgitating here, because I haven't seen the movie. Or read the book. I do like Canadian music though! Do you love the Sadies, Susan Garrett? Or Black Mountain? Total stoner music. Loud, loud, loud. But I digress. Because today, we are going to talk about the systematic way I'm re-teaching Gustavo to weave. To tejer. And I'm going to call this method Dos y Dos. Because Gustavo speaks Spanish way better than English and we are trying to make this Clear as Day, Gustavo. Simple. Easy. Anyone can do it, at any speed. Spanglish or English.

It's a multi pronged attack. Attack, I say! For our method, we need first of all, a chicken.


A chicken? Does Susan Garrett use a chicken? Pollo? No se. I didn't watch the movie. But Gustavo likes a chicken, and chicken we use. The secret of this chicken? It is hollow. Long ago de-stuffed by dogs, yet the now hollow cavity is a handy place to hide some string cheese. And also, Gustavo really likes to play with the chicken. And eat string cheese. And for this method, your dog has to be super happy about running to get something. El pollo, totally fits that bill


And you need some sticks. You can also use 2 set weave poles. Or your regular weave poles with bases and just stick tupperwares over the protruding impalement objects left over when you pull the poles out of them.


Sticks are nice because you can drag them around in the car and pull over every time you see some nice grass and you want to do some dos y dos poles with your chicken. Explain that one to the nice officer.

The other prong of attack is driveway weaves. I have been setting up 2 sets of 6 into totally weird, crackhead configurations and challenging everyone to just do them. Because Gustavo has stellar, super fast 12 poles already in the driveway. So we gotta turn up the heat here. This is hard for everybody, even el tejar perro extraordinaire, Otterpop.


Stuff like that.


And that. God, my driveway is such a ghetto. Don't mind the garbage cans. Just you wait though. Til that porch is painted and for the surprise that starts happening next week when, surprise, Brian is going to rip the back wall of the house off and put the sliding glass door in. Remember how I didn't go to the USDAA Nationals this year because I wanted a sliding glass door? Aloha Bobby AND Rose, sliding glass door on the way as long as the house doesn't fall down when Brian rips the back wall off. How's that going to affect weave poles? Hola!

Um, did I digress?


Anyways. Those 2 sticks, I started working around the clock until Gustavo was running like a madman into them from anywhere I stood, or us running together at mad speeds from anywhere. And every time he did it right, throw el pollo. Gracias, el pollo. Uh, I should mention by around the clock, I'm not doing these, like instead of going to work or sleeping on the couch or staring inside the refrigerator waiting for the pie to appear. Like I pretend the grass is a clock and Gustavo needs to go into the weaves from every single number.

In a few days, we added 2 more sticks. I like to call this part, Dos Mas. When he could run through them straight on, started changing the angle every day. Making it more offset, still running at them from anywhere, as super fast as we could. Goal Being, MIRA! LOOK AT THE STICKS, Gustavo, and run fast into them because you see them. MIRA!


Simultaneous with that, driveway poles on crazy angles. Fun for everyone.


Backwards and forwards.


Trying not to cue to go find the other set. Ruby. Ruby likes to learn new things. She cracks me up. She is the Operant Dog. This shows total proof of cheating and cueing her to go out and find that other set. I suck. I admit it. I suck, yet will also have a sliding glass door. You got one of those?


Here's the little hombre now. Vaya con dios, con much gusto, Gustavo. Andale! Rapido! Y mira that pole.

Weave pole basics, because a cake just isn't always just a cake.

After work, we drove fast down to Salinas yesterday. Sort of racing like. Because I am Jeff Gordon, number 24 NASCAR and I can beat the rain? Also, because in the world of dog agility, you are always driving somewhere that isn't just around the corner to the liquor store and it's useful to see if you can get there faster. With shortcuts. Secret shortcuts. And also because it was See's Candy day at work, being Valentines and I had like 19 pieces before I flew down the driveway. So we drove to Salinas, which is a good drive because you pass several houses with stone deer and bear tableaus. I couldn't stop to take photos, however, now being wide eye jacked up on Nuts and Chews and doing a time trial of fastness driving and also trying to beat the rain. Because it was my favorite border collie's birthday. Hobbes is 10 years old. And I had to give him a piece of cheese. A pretty rotten present, but I also got my own husband genuine Nothing for Valentines, so Hobbes doing pretty good getting a piece of cheese.

And for really because Rob said he would help me with Gustavo. Because I am like "Wah, wah, wah, I am sucking at training my dog!" all the time and so Rob said he would see if he could fix us. And actually, as it turns out, at Rob's house he isn't that broken, like maybe he isn't really all that sucky and I am just a whiney complainer from seeing his first standard video. Which you all saw too and mostly were just all, hey nice pants.

Vintage addidas.

He did miss some poles here and there, but he also hit a lot too. No, my non dog agility friends, not HIT hit them. But starts his windy little trip through them at the right spot. I know dog agility looks arbitrary and shrieky and actually, super lame to some of you, my non dog agility friends, the ones still with me here after I started talking about dog birthday presents. But there is precision and organization and rule following here. And being a non precise, non organized, bad rule follower, this makes agility super hard sometimes. Mostly, Rob looked at me sort of quizzical like, and was like, maybe you shouldn't be obsessing so much on these poles. Because you know. Bad feelings sent via esp to your poor damn dog with obsessing.

Holey nuts and chews.

Uh, yeah. He also suggested trying a sort of MSG (modified Susan Garrett-ooh the thought just sends chills down my spine. Does one dare modify the Susan Garrett and live to tell about it?) 2 poles backup plan. Sort of like, you are a bad Top Chef and you keep on throwing the balsamic vinegar and scallops with fruit and cheddar cheese in the cuisinart and keep on making whatever the hell it is you are trying to make there, but also at the same time practice your Knife Skills and learn to fillet the boney little sardine. I don't even have a cuisinart. So a new little project to add on to the project list.

Which brings me to the project today because being somewhat holiday impaired, didn't deal with Valentines and so have promised to make a nice cake for my nice husband today. Actually didn't even deal with Top Chef last week and have no idea who's even left. But my nice husband did deal with Valentines and sure deserves a nice cake. A bundt cake, to be more precise. Sort of retro cool if I bake it wearing a pantsuit, right? Probably all you know Laura good enough to know, holey nuts and chews. That's gonna involve recipes and the oven and a mixer and pantsuit selection perhaps with pucci style accessories and fiasco, sure to follow. Also thought as long as making the bundt cake, how about a whole genuine cooked meal to go with it with, you know, food and stuff. Something somewhat more complex than my super popular dish, cold pizza from refrigerator. Hmm. Something that speaks to the whole issue of not just a cake, but a bundt cake.

So off to select appropriate footwear and, wait. How this helping his weave poles?

Just in case, and also mini cat training tutorial.

Just in case we all fail miserably this weekend, let the record show:

Set up a bunch of super fast, mini Steeplechase-esque sequences into weave poles yesterday morning at the practice field. Also some super fast running a-frame sequences. I invented these myself. Course design strategy? Basically just dragged stuff around so I could keep making new versions of stuff like FAST FAST FAST FLY INTO POLES FAST FAST FAST. And then FAST FAST FAST FLY OVER A-FRAME FAST FAST FAST. Then would move the jumps and drag the tunnel and then try a new version of FAST FAST FAST FLY INTO POLES FAST FAST FAST and then FAST FAST FAST FLY OVER A-FRAME FAST FAST FAST.


Guess who did not miss a pole, not once, not twice, not ever? Hoo Goo, that's Who!

The girl dogs were on-it too. Worked on them getting into a frenzied fast place where accuracy still counted. But really, today's practice was for Goo. I think having our friend frisbee around makes a big difference. And super jackpot award of of insane dog frisbee helps for extra good speed or poles or whatever was looking gooood at the time.

Here. I'm going to put this here, in case it's a weepy trial of sad. You never know. It's team. The dreaded spectre of E looms. And weave pole expectations in Puppy's First Steeplechase.


Pretend you're in the future now. Like time travel but way cheaper!

Hey, remember last Tuesday and everyone practiced so super fast and weave pole getting and not bar knocking and perfect focus and drive and everyone was a CHAMPION!

Just in case.

Welcome back to driveway weave poles.

It's been a while. But Gustavo runs Steeplechase for his first time this weekend, and boy oh boy oh boy oh boy do I want him to get his poles. They've been great every time I practice, aside from last time we had our lesson from Jim and Gustavo couldn't do the poles at all. Ahem.


He's only every done them once in a trial, his first time in Gamblers. Took 2 tries to make it through. Other than that, just done some Jumpers. Moves up to Advanced this weekend in that. He's entered in something else but I forget what. Was too scared of poles and teeters to put him on a DAM team. Not sure what's going to happen in that Steeplechase run. Wouldn't it be cool if he just DID THEM?


Moved the car. So we can start all the way out in the street and run REALLY FAST up the driveway and make the entrance.


Except in Steeplechase, no driveway. No sheep watching through the fence. No tupperware waiting at the end.


Wouldn't it be cool if he just DID THEM?

Top ten things I did this weekend.

Oh Yes He Did!

Gustavo did weave poles at Dirt Nite.

Gustavo did weave poles at Dirt Nite!

Gustavo Did Weave Poles At Dirt Nite!!

GUSTAVO DID WEAVE POLES AT DIRT NITE!!!!

I know. The Dow dropped 700 points. There was another debate. There's fires. It's earthquake weather.

But did I mention, out there on the big boy courses with everybody else, that GUSTAVO DID WEAVE POLES AT DIRT NITE!!!!

Weave poles Wednesday-Could it be true?

Could it be? There have been a couple days in a row of weave poles happening, without wires. We may have lost a bit of speed, and I'm a little closer than I might like, but he's doing them! I am not lying here. Wires are currently sitting in the garage.

We practiced today at the field with 2 sets of poles. One set, with cages so I could practice at gambler's distance in a sequence and know he was safely caged in there. Like seatbelts. Training wheels. Water wings. Yes. I put my dog in cages.

But had another regular set out, where I worked closer to him, and used the Otterpop Frisbee Jackpot Award Method from last Weave Pole Wednesday. Think it might be paying off. Here's a recreation from my driveway after work. Just checking to see if they took. Thinking maybe, just maybe... Will test out at Dirt Nite tonite, so X your fingers for him. Cuz it may be that he Haz Polz!

Thanks Otterpop! Monkey see, monkey do.

Aloha, Mr. Hand.

You guys remember Jeff Spicolli? Total stoner, went to Ridgemont High. My high school, your high school. Everone's high school. Aka Sean Penn in a baja shirt with fringey bangs. Gustavo is Spicolli. I am pretty sure if he could talk, he'd say Duuuude. A lot. For every occasion. He was always baked. For ever occasion. Pretty good dude though. Just a little bakey.

This is Gustavo. I don't think he sits in a van smoking pot, if he does, he's way sneakier than I ever gave him credit for. But it finally dawned on me. He's just a complete stoner dude. Just happy and grinny, a little paranoid (he's outside right now barking at garbage cans that are in a weird place in front of the house), a little late, a little hungry, but really, a good guy.

So the stoner runs at Dirt Nite now. Had never really put him in there, sometimes took him out to do a teeter and a dogwalk here and there during beginning classes. He didn't like the dirt clumping up on his fur, was loud, just kind of too much for him. So the other week, I just brought him out with my dogs and decided to see if he could run a course in our late class, when I run Ruby and Hobbes and Otterpop. Just for kicks, see what he thinks of those hard courses.

He thinks, duuuude. And just runs around them. Like he gets it. Last night, stuck him in the rotation of everyone, so he kept getting turns, let him run 3 or 4 whole courses. Some hard discriminations, hard turns, many contacts, and duuuuuude. Like so nailing it. What's the big thing of this? Let's RUN! Skipped all the poles with him, except for once. Total stoner. Decided to just see. What the hell. He actually had poles on Tuesday when I practiced with him out at the field, not every time, but a couple times hit them hard and flew threw. A couple times, not so much.

Gave him one chance to try it. Masters Level agility course, not where you are supposed to be teaching a dog weave poles. Came thru a tunnel, saw the poles, flew up on the a-frame. OK. Was a pretty sneaky, I-am-sneaking-out-to-the-van-for-a-bong-hit-sneaky, run behind me to get on that a-frame. Clearly avoiding the poles. Threw him back in that tunnel for one more try, sent him to those poles just like how we Now Do in the Driveway, lovely independent and fast straight poles.

So what did he do?

Duuuuude. I wish I was going to tell you he is like the stoner savant, and just sailed through on the second try, fast and accurate and perfect. I so wish that was what I was going to tell you about here. Instead, sort of missed the entrance, did a section in the middle, came out, and just kept on running. Duuuuude. Didn't push it, didn't use precious Dirt Nite time to start teaching poles. But we have a lot of work to do still. Clearly.

But dude. Look how Sean Penn turned out? Upstanding citizen, political activist, important movie director and actor with serious attitude, used to beat up paparazzi for Madonna. Not too bad. If Spicolli can do all that, Gustavo can learn those poles.

What Would YOU Give Up?

Black Beauty offered to have her photo taken FIVE times, if it would help elect Barack Obama. For a little sidekick, that is dedication. Thanks, Black Beauty.


Otterpop said she would shut up and stop barking so we can hear the news up until the election, and also would be willing to give up those 4 Gambler's Q's that are keeping her from her ADCh (That is her BIG Championship thing, my non agility friends) to keep McCain out of office.


Ruby said she would give up her flawless running dogwalk contact. That she practiced all summer long. Ruby, you have the heart of a saint.


Gustavo said if it helps Obama move to the White House, he will donate all running a-frames for as long as he needs to.

Although we practiced today. And I videoed EVERY SINGLE A-FRAME. All dogs. Won't torture you with this super boring video of dogs running down their a-frame contact. Except with the info that no one, Gustavo included, missed a contact. Or nearly missed one. All were inside the same contact zone as usual, same zone for each dog. Thanks, puzzlement of why so many missed contacts only on JIM'S a-frame.


So he thought he'd give up poles. You know, like giving up chocolate for Lent. I say that doesn't count. If it gets Obama elected, Gustavo donates running a-frames just in trials.

So if you start seeing some way sloppy agility from Team Small Dog coming up, it is for a really good cause.

Weave Pole Wednesday

We're still trying.

A wire here, a wire there. A wire off, a wire on. MOST of the time we have poles, and then, as you shall see, sometimes, we just don't. You are welcome internet, for learning from my mistakes. Like hmmm. Wonder why he can do them towards the tunnel but not the other way. Who was too lazy to drag the tunnel down to the other end of the field to test?

I will say this. They are worse when I'm videoing. They are getting WAY better, but still not ready for primetime. Good thing this is cable. The internet. The blogosphere. Whatever. I predict in 2 weeks, we have weave poles. Because we're going to start taking them on the road this weekend.

Also. I make sheep noises for some reason when he's on the dogwalk. If you can suffer through that far. Sheep noises?



Hey, what's this note from Youtube on the video I worked so hard on last nite-"A copyright owner has claimed it owns some or all of the audio content in your video Gustavo. Straight poles, sometimes crappy.. The audio content identified in your video is Love Machine by The Miracles. We regret to inform you that your video has been blocked from playback due to a music rights issue."

Smokey Robinson, you are blocking my video!

Has Youtube ever done this to you? Didn't block any of my OTHER videos I put soundtracks on but this one is blocked, rejectable, unplayable because the song is busted. Uh, Smokey really cares his song is on a dog agility weave pole video? Smokey, are you out there? Why me? EVERYONE on Youtube uses copyrighted soundtrack material. I am weeping the tears of a clown right now.

Dunno.
So choice they gave, republish with sound muted or keep it off Youtube. So it's on and muted now, I guess. Booo-Ring. This is not how I needed to start this day, Smokey Robinson and Youtube.

Still teaching weave poles-a primer.

So Gustavo, I may have mentioned ONCE OR TWICE like four thousand times, has been really hard to teach weave poles to. In context, Ruby, my first agility dog, learned with a treat and some white pvc sorta poles stuck in a patch of grass in my yard with me never having taught a dog to drunkenly weave back and forth through a set of poles, and learned to have pretty darn fast weave poles somehow. Thanks for being a super genius Ruby! Have no idea how I taught her but you can guess it wasn't pretty. Her weave poles have slowed down a bunch over the last couple years with her aches and pains and phobias, but they're solid. If she ever misses a pole these days, is because I have done something so crackhead and bizarre that she is freakazoid and near meltdown state. In technical terms.

Otterpop learned super fast weave poles in like 3 weeks. Because that's how long I borrowed my friend's weave channel weaves for. And let me tell you, it is very motivating to teach weave poles fast when you know you have to give them back and you are SO SICK of lugging these giant metal nailbreaking finger pinchers in and out of the car and setting them up at the park where people are like TOTALLY STARING AT YOU FREAK WITH DOG PROPS or it's the elementary  school down the street so you go at like 6:30 in the MORNING FREEZING COLD o'clock so small children don't shame you with their stares, setting them up and involves giant leg bruises and not fitting in car and a lot of cursing. Good thing school hasn't started-sorry kids! Somehow it happened in those 3 weeks and gladly returned the poles. That dog will do anything for a frisbee. She may have other problems, but evil super genius, indeed. And now, you can send her into weaves from wherever you want. Super funny party trick in my driveway.

Schematic Diagramatic Channel Methodical

Gustavo. I bought you your own super fancy, powder coated set of channel weaves. Decided you were one year old and could learn weaves, and off we went. Used wires. Used cages. Methodically, carefully, using all my knowledge from all my agility careful reading of books and videos and classes and teaching others to run through poles. Whole MAGAZINE ISSUES devoted to teaching weaves. We studied. We make notes. I made hot dogs. OK, we did not make notes. But I did sing Buck Owens songs here and there.

And it went great. Wow what fast poles as I methodically and slowly closed the channels down in careful, tiny increments. Agility Jargon Alert! Do you get this fact, my non agility friends? Open channels=looks like a straight line with nothing to bump into for the dog. Fast! Closing channels means not so straight line anymore of dog running, in fact many poles a dog could bump into and learns to weave through them because now poles are the straight line.

Until the poles went straight. That last teensy bit, equaled, not weave poles anymore. Hi and Goodbye and Adios. Yes, these newly 100% straight poles were better for going around or through and out or something not the perfect, super fast poles of my dreams.

And we may have taken a practicing break. Or two. Or three. Don't tell Jim. With the super champion puppy. Due to actual practicing and perhaps champion being doesn't hurt.


But guess what we have this week?

I just had to show you this.

I'm not really a video person. I mean, I am not at all a video person. This is taken with my regular camera, just setting it on a bucket and using the video for dummies button. And don't mind me hiking up my pants. But I thought maybe you'd like to see what Gustavo looks like doing a little sequence. Not having an actual camera angle that could show you, he does that chute barrel out to a staggered line of jumps before the tunnel. Like stuff I do with everyone else! And every time we did those poles, hit that entrance no problem, and pretty fast through 'em, RIGHT? Like I think, little drumroll, maybe even faster than Otterpop's poles.

Yeah, the channels are a little open at the first couple poles. I really want him super confident about those entries, even though this may come back to haunt me at some point. And yeah, that's how I do his startline. Like we just GO. More potential haunting of the future. And yeah, that's Otterpop barking under the soundtrack. I am kind of from the what the hell if the other dogs bark school of thought when it comes to irritating barking dogs during agility. Just pretend they have little cheerleader skirts and are tearing up pom poms at the same time. Too loud for any haunting. Those barking short dogs scare the pants off any lurking ghosties.

But see here, my non agility friends. I am running really, really fast. Look at Laura run, insert your giggles now. I don't care. This is the whole point here. That tunnel is almost 100 feet away from the camera. My chubby and stubbly legs are flying. And those jumps you can't see are on weirdo angles, and he's just getting it. You run as fast as you can, you do what I show you, and you think it's the best day ever. It is starting to get really, really fun with him.

Sequencing and weave poles-a primer

Right-o. So yesterday I told you how Gustavo was just nailing those pole entrances as part of a sequence and flying through the poles like a pro. Never missed a beat. Had the sheep impressed if blank stares from across the pasture counts as impressed. He made me jump up and down and squeal with the joyfulness of it all until I noticed my pants were slipping down again in the back and sheep could see things best seen on plumbers and little harlots under the age of 19.

So today we did the same exact same little deal. Changed the angle of a couple jumps, but the same thing Generally Speaking. He is comfortably doing little sequences of 4-5 things, maybe more if they involve straight lines. And tunnels. God does he love tunnels. Oh. I moved the tunnel over to a new spot, I should mention that little, teensy, tiny clue.

So what do you want to bet that he completely forgot how to do the poles?

Did you bet a lot on the high quality of my quality dog training that I've been a good teacher and shown my dog how to teach himself to run through poles accurately and super fast? Wager all the money on the dog training genius of Laura. All those chips slide out to my roulette number on the black. Every single one. How many of you betting on that?

Or did you bet the other way? Because I call him a squirrel. And it took months to figure out if he really understood the word Sit. Because a tiny little short bus should pick him up in the morning with his lunchbox taped to him and a giant name tag that says GUSTAVO in puffy letters with a ladybug on it. And glitter. And I mentioned this little thing. I moved something. I moved the tunnel across the field. How many of you waving your big plastic cup of quarters this way?

Yes, I moved the tunnel. He LOVES the tunnel like I love my taxidermy. Like I love ipod and my green purse and navy blue slip on vans and the way my super oldest old lady horse says hi to me every morning. Screaming in delight joyful. Up and down jumping not able to contain the joy of it all. Dancing robots! As if the sky was not filled with smoke and no animals ever old and sick and goddamn rainbows hurling their way through my own personal big sky in the land of ranches and chocolate chips and pots of gold and where all evil drooling leprechauns have been eradicated by the Power Unicorns. And yesterday, the tunnel was after the poles. Today, tunnel somewhere else.

Yes, OK. Did you just win a bunch of money or lose it? Poles were forgotten. 3 times through, hi and goodbye and poles a nice thing to run alongside and maybe over to the fence a moment and is that a butterfly over there? Why would you want to fly through poles top speed if there is no tunnel afterwards? Like duh. Butterfly so much cooler! Run so fast and wild to the butterfly!

But, time number 4, HELLO and BONJOUR and ALOHA because here we go. My crafty little toaster oven you, you REMEMBERED which is HUGE as in my book of Gustavo. And you were treated to the joy of the exploding tupperware where I throw it so hard out at the end the lid pops off and there is as much cheese as you could ever want exploding there in your tiny little shrapnely toothed mouth. And then it was like, OH-just do the poles whenever you see them, no matter if it is the tunnel or the dogwalk or whatever thing. Like I think he might be getting it.

Here is where the sheep people all get mad at me.

When we practice now, our friends the sheep sometimes come and watch. They're kind of a motley crew, those sheep. Their fur, or wool, or hair, what is that, hangs off in chunks. I believe myself to not be a sheep person.


They are getting used to having sheep fans. Or maybe fans is really not it. Bystanders. Bored voyeurs. Hanger arounders. They are the ones that witness these fabulous contacts but still sometimes dropped bars. And just don't appreciate how hard we're working on fixing our agility flaws. And treated to the sight of me running around, arms a waving, yelling, "Go Go Go Go Go Go!" For every dog, every turn. I try to make everyone have a fair turn. And each dog gets their favorite reward when they do something particularly cool. A big frisbee game for Pop. Ruby tugs on her new rawhide bully stick and gets to go chew it in a corner all by herself. Gustavo plays for a while then eats some cheese out of tupperware then has loveys. It's what works. The sheep watch and do not comment.


And then just go back to doing what sheep do. Which as far as I can tell (I'm sheep sitting this week) is just eat dead grass all day and walk around. And look startled. And stare but with this blank stare. I am glad I don't have to do something like give them shots. I heard that was an exciting day of sheep wrangling. They are so not horses. I just stick with the horses. My life would be fine without sheep in it.


Otterpop dreams that I let her out there to go move them back to their pen. Or somewhere. Maybe out into the busy road. Who knows where she'd put them. She watches them, making plans. I think we won't test this out, to see if she has any herding ability. We'll just let her think she does and leave it at that. Good staring, Otterpop.

So where's Gustavo? He doesn't really register sheep on his interesting scale. And can I just tell you this fact. It's a little braggy but you'll like this. I stuck the channel weaves out there, in a little sequence that was fast and open with a hard hitting pole entrance. Playing Gustavo Runs Steeplechase. With his channels a little open at the entrance. Steeplechase for dummies. And he kept flying through, collecting and hitting that entrance no matter where I was. And doing a rocket speed mini border collie single foot through the poles. I am not shitting you. Would likely be a loser at rounding up the stock. But is totally getting the hang of this agility business.

Get out all your weapons and you can build this course too.

All right. We have been really and truly practicing again. Like organized, sequence setting, thinking about, practicing. Actual Planning! With something for everyone, and trying to leave Timmy earlier in the morning so I'm not freaking out about how late I'm going to be to work. Because the dog shows are coming! Crack of dawn everyone. Sort of. Not really. Early enough!


OK. This one. Every time I start muttering about what am I doing training a squirrel to do agility, he makes some kind of breakthrough and he did that this week. I'm not showing you. I can't take pictures and run him is what I'm learning. Like not even a second can I lose focus to go fiddle with a camera button. I know. You thought my reality tv production crew takes these stunning photos. Is just me and my dad's camera and my greasy fingers, my friends. Plus, he didn't do these grown up dog sequences. Although he did little parts of them. He is still on the little yellow bus doing his own special poles with channels open at the entrances/exits, and a lower a-frame, and a lower teeter and the dogwalk with targets out.

And sometimes running around big black buckets because he likes that and considers running around a bucket an agility obstacle. When someday the gamble includes trash cans or buckets out there a million miles from the tape line, he's my main man. But I gotta tell you, his little sequences are getting confident and coming together and as they get more consistent, SO FAST, and I am glad I'm taking it so slow because I see these glimmers of greatness in him. Before he dashes in that tunnel again. Or goes looking for a hole in the fence. His training mantra is Repeat, Rinse, Repeat.


So here's an exercise you might like. My course map maybe not really to scale. Who's ever seen a bullet bigger than the gun? Make a figure 8 with some jumps off on one side, poles down the middle, and a dogwalk to jumps and a chute barrel off the other side. So there are a gazillion ways to come into the middle pole section off the jumps part, and you can change up your turns to the dogwalk each time. Like I would go Gun-Knife-Bullet-Poles-Dogwalk-Cup-Knife-Bullet-Knife-Poles again. Or you go in reverse order. Or Gustavo can do it without the Grown Up Poles but still do all the knives and bullets and the gun.


So you could front cross between the bullet and the poles, which was Ruby's preferable way for me in there. She likes me to RACE her through those poles. So I try to beat her. She's actually been looking pretty good, and now I sort of wish I had decided to do a DAM team with her in July. But I think she doesn't need long days of a lot of runs. So I'm just going to keep her workload light and see if she holds up.


Sometimes just let her wrap the bullet and either rear cross the poles to dogwalk, or just handle them on the left and rear cross the dogwalk. A lot of ways to get onto that dogwalk and work on those contacts which are looking smashing! Making actual concerted effort to place delicate little dog paws on that yellow paint.


Otterpop hates that front cross to the poles. So picky. She likes me far away from her going into the poles. Needs her privacy. Which is fine when she's super speedy and practicing, but not so fine at a trial and she's slower. Problem being, I can't get her to practice slow. She attacks poles with a vigor that I believe she would like to try out on cattle. You can't see but there are actual cattle off camera here, across a couple fences. Boy does she give them the stink eye. A new thing to watch on the new field. They don't notice her, tiniest cattle type chihuahua in town. They seem to sleep a lot.


She prefers I hang back and let her into the poles from way back and rear cross or stay on that side and rear cross her dogwalk. Ruby hates that. Otterpop loves that. I have been trying to teach Gustavo every possible way I can think of to get him in the poles so he is not so damn picky as these two.


So typical of Otterpop. Just likes to do it her own damn way. Of course wants me to be around desperately, but always gotta look like she's the one running the show.

It seems like this Monday could use a soundtrack.

I am not really an album kind of person. I am sort of a song kind of person. Which makes all my more music-y friends cringe, not that they weren't already cringing at my musical tastes. I just consider my taste Broad. I am not a purist. You guessed that. I have a husband who is Very Serious about music and I let him be the informed member of the family. I guess I do this with most things. Generalist.

You probably heard these all already. But they're the ones that are my favorites today. You know how Elvis Costello once said that writing about music was like dancing about architecture? I think that blogging about dog agility is like painting about vintage typefaces. A nice thing to do whenever you can. So here. Here's what I say about these songs. Which I listened to while choreographing a log cabin cheerleading robot routine. In honor of these perfect weave poles sets Gustavo has started just knocking out, no pops, no wart, no slows.

Nosebleed. By Illinois.
I do believe that is a banjo in this song, a little bit of banjo that goes over and over. It isn't complicated. Like if you could only play the tiniest bit of a banjo, you could make a song. "HOld On Baby, Let's Sing it Again." The singer just sounds raw and like maybe he was singing into something weird. I'm not really exactly sure what this song is about. But when you listen to it, you might wish that you could sing just like him. This song reminds me of weird gnarly late nights when you could have been doing something actually productive. It seems like it involves ash trays and bottles and big stinky dogs. But in a good way.

My Medicine. By Snoop Dogg.
Dedicated to Johnny Cash, a real American gangster and features twangy guitar by Everlast. Grand Old Opry, here they come. OK. So Snoop Dogg is a problematic character. A real slimeball in some ways, but a nice Long Beach dad who is just a big, tall, lazy stoner by other accounts. Who has this freaky effortless way of rhyming like B.I.G. that has always held me in awe. And it's not like he hides being a hazy, befuddled pothead who just stays high all the time. Sort of like Johnny Cash before he cleaned up maybe. Keith Richards and the borrowed blood. Everybody has their habits. If you ever see the video, he looks really great in cowboy gear, and the rhyming with the Cashy style guitar and it's Willie Nelson and Whitey Ford! Like super genius crazy. You'll see.

Hog of the Forsaken. By Michael Hurley.
I used to feel bad for this hog. And sometimes Michael can't sing all the notes which is why I love him. This song talks about bogs and pie and this hog who just sits there and I believe waits for the forsaken and eats them all up. He is the pork of crime. Then I realized I think Michael wants us to feel happy for this hog. I'm not sure. I think you will see when you hear this song. This would be perhaps a nice song to play at a wedding and people could come out to dance that might not otherwise. I always want to sing this to the old people on therapy dog visits, but we are not there for singing. The accordian lady in the sunroom does that. For a minute you might think about a bayous, but really it makes me wish my house was far, far atop a gentle knoll, looking over the plains, and not visible from any road at all.

Don't you Evah. By Spoon.
This song makes you feel like a dancing robot. It's just kind of a dumb song. Spoon is a dumb band. If I were easily embarrassed, I wouldn't even tell you I had a Spoon song in my ipod. But you know it's a good song when every time it comes on you need to stop doing what you're doing and start dancing like a robot. And you get a dog to dance like a robot with you. And another. And another. And now that is a fine thing to do on a sunny afternoon.

Weave pole tug clinic-a primer.

Well, we took a bit of time off the campaign trail to practice some driveway poles. Where are these getting us? Not sure. But all these trials are coming up, and I feel like we should be Actually Practicing and not just Thinking About Practicing. These are Different Things! As Team Small Dog reader Ellen put it, "Only on Team Small Dog, where reality is only one point of view." Yes! Because let me first tell you when I got dressed today, I decided to channel Nancy Botwin! You all know her, right? She lives in the planned community of Agregstic, and last we saw, was in a spot of trouble with the gangsters and the Christians and all the while, slurping her $4 coffee in a plastic cup while tackling the day to day realities of being a full time hot suburban lady and a drug dealer. Because I just have been feeling Nancy Botwin lately. I have no pool. Would be a terrible drug dealer. And I never buy the $4 coffee. We use the actual stove and sink water that does A-OK for us but sometimes I still just wish things would flow out of my mouth like hers. I guess she has writers. I guess I need to work on my craft.

Um. But Nancy doesn't wear skorts actually. Or navy blue slip on vans. Or polyester cowboy shirts.

Anyways. Carry on!


So the idea today, get everyone all crazy with a tuggie then speedy poles.


Ruby, check. Can I tell you what tuggie we are using? Is perhaps cheating, Greg Derrett. It is named Bully Stick and it is made from a part of a bull that is shaped like a stick. A sort of wide, longish stick. You guess what part, my friends. So not vegan. I will make the hippie tofu for dinner tonight and repent and my yoga teacher said be in the present so that's where we'll be, and the bull that lost his stick part for our weave poles, he is likely long in the past.


Otterpop, you are going to have no frisbee and just the tuggie stickie dickie thingy!


Works great!


Gustavo, you are why we have a skort, so I can sit in the dirt with you, on the driveway and we can PLAY! I am more fun than even Otterpop, think about our can-can days of high kicking, the day we showed our underpants to Barack Obama in the name of Getting Bush and his People out of the White House. We were so wild and drank Jagermeister and joked about the days when maybe you had less focus for agility for reasons that allude me, since good god, we're doing shots, red faced and nosebleeding and everyone is shouting ALOHA at the top of their lungs and just keep me away from those power tools.


And here's the poles. And here's me.


And there you are. You are so cute and you sit on my lap. You wake me up by climbing over the pillows standing on my hair and pulling it out at the roots and you run like the wind at the beach. Sometimes I wonder where have I gone wrong? I did not do the Crate Games enough? I did not tug enough? I need Control Unleashed mat lessons? A personal trainer? All of the above? Probably not debuting in the Starters this summer.

This is sort of like a really quiet musical theater production but not really.

Well, since I said Ruby could be on vacation, it wasn't really fair to make her pose for pictures. And then, if I wanted to show you what we did on my day off, it wouldn't be fair to do that without Ruby. So I just hired actors to stand in for the whole team to show you and so I wouldn't be playing favorites between dogs. That's not good pack management. You can see how many training opportunities I have to work on good manners just in a basic day off around the house. See, I am a good dog training example! But, as a disclaimer to all those dog training students out there, I don't recommend always using hired stand-ins for training the real dogs. Just for special occasions.


So you know, they all eat breakfast together. Everyone has to wait patiently until all the food bowls are filled to eat.


Timmy has to get all his pills. He doesn't have to do any tricks or anything for them.


Ruby and Otterpop totally climb on the little foot stool and do tricks while I give Timmy his pills. They are operant dogs. Gustavo is somewhere else. Maybe not so operant.


Took a walk. It would be neat if everyone walked quietly on a leash and didn't pull.


Then Timmy just goes back to sleep for the most part.


Some of them like to hang out in the bathroom when I take a shower. I'm not sure if that is good or bad dog manners or not? Does Cesar Millan do that?


We had to do errands. They ride nicely in their crates. Thanks Susan Garrett's Crate Games!


I had a bunch of office work to do so the small dogs all just slept quietly on the couch. Until it was mailman time.


Otterpop has a total mailman fetish. She waits here like a stealth assassin.


And when he comes, she sounds like she is going in for the kill. I wish you could hear the barking.


Augh. This is a bad habit. Good dog trainers do not let their dogs bark at mailmen.


At some point during the day, I realized, wow, it SO MUCH EASIER to work with the actors than the real dogs! Like for stuff like toenails!


They spent a lot of the day outside. Hey is that their border collie pals Hobbes and Fate? Of course not. They live in Salinas and Otterpop hates border collies. Can't hire actors for every dog I know. Those are just fake deer.


Otterpop won't give anyone the tennis ball.


And they all start digging holes again. Bad, bad dogs.


For agility practice, I LOVED working with the actors. Like look at Ruby and Otterpop just sitting so quietly while Gustavo practices his contact!


Gustavo worked on his poles.


Everyone did some tables. And we called it a day.

Cooking With the Team-Smoothie and Meatballs

We've been busy around here and maybe not practicing as much as we'd like. So today I'm going to teach you how to make a delicious, healthy delicacy that is perfect for a nice snack before you do some agility.


You get the smoothie, and the dogs get the meatballs. I get them Mini Party Meatballs from Trader Joe's. Very, very popular with all dogs and fit perfectly into blue ikeaware.


First you need some strawberries. I like to buy them from the lady that sells them sometimes on the corner near my house. I buy a lot. Usually about $10 for a giant box. I like strawberries.


You get to use the blender for this! Is like the power tools of cooking! If you are lucky, your refrigerator makes ice and does NOT shoot it out the ice hole without stopping until you plug it up with a plastic bowl. Pour some ice in the blender.


Add some yogurt. I enjoy vanilla. Put in enough to feed a large cat.


I don't know what I'm doing here. Measuring yogurt for cats?


Here you go. A great tip is-PUT THE LID ON TOP OF THE BLENDER BEFORE YOU TURN IT ON! Just trust me why.


Add some juice. You can use any kind. I used to do graphic design for this kind of juice so I use that because I still like their packaging. It is scarey to add the juice if the blender is still on!


Here is where the fun starts. Peel a banana and throw that baby in while it's blending!


And your strawberries! It is like basketball with a dangerous motor trying to fling stuff around your kitchen! Almost a contact sport!


Mmmmm. It should be pink. And frosty goodness.


Don't forget to wash the blender because Gary gets really, really mad when there is smoothie everywhere. You are ahead of the game if you remembered the whole lid thing on and didn't throw your strawberries in from too far away.


Here's why we like smoothies. Look at that ass. Makes Otterpop look petite and spry. She's going for a meatball.


Ruby going for her meatball. She usually grabs the ikeaware and weaves back through with it in her mouth. I have to confiscate her ikeawares sometimes. Her poles are looking just like they used to, so we are very excited to see if this holds through things like Steeplechase and if Snooker has poles for 7's this weekend. Because we still don't have ANY Super Q's.


Then ya gotta run in and play for a little while. There's Ruby and Otterpop attacking the weird fox stole thing I found hanging in a tree one day.


Gustavo has just been rockin' his poles all the time. The meatballs make him pretty frantic though and can actually cause pole popping to get faster to the ikeaware so I have been staying with him in the poles. They are almost set straight now, just a teensy ways to go. Want all that popping to go away before I close the channels all the way.


There's Gustavo and Otterpop attacking the fox thing. We do meatballs, then tugging. Do you ever notice how Otterpop seems to creep into an awful lot of pictures? Enjoy your recipe!

The Important Work we call weave pole training.

So, last time we checked in, Gustavo had sometimes wires on his poles, channels still open, and was flying through like a banshee due to the magic of tupperware.

I am happy to report we have wires off. Although when we go visit unknown poles, I've been putting wires on the entries/exits just because. Because he is Gustavo. But we have our channels at home almost closed and he is fast and low like a tiny little border collie, and when we go visit unknown poles I only visit ones that I can open out a little bit. Just because.

But here is the part we really, really like.


So you have seen my dog agility field driveway. We love it's soft, rubbery surface perfectly manicured grass yeah it's a driveway. But the dog agility field is conveniently located on one side of our back gate, the other side being the other dog agility field back yard known as the nice place to dig up the gophers near the contact trainer. So, when it's time to practice poles, everyone, even Timmy, has to stay behind the back gate and they are VERY SURE I am taking tupperwares out to the Special Tupperware Placing Platforms also known as some bricks on either end of the poles. And the mayhem starts behind the gate.

Usually I let Otterpop come out first and do a couple sets of poles. Because she always nutso anytime you do anything, she is our choice to warm the crowd up. Like one of those manic, bad comedians whose act could involve chainsaws and giant cubes of cheese. You can just wave a frisbee in front of her face and get insane barking. You can do just about anything around Otterpop and you will get insane barking and spinning around and leaping.

Then it's Gustavo's turn. He is already in a frenzy because he BELIEVES in the power of the tupperware, and flies through his poles a few times, back and forth.

Then, Ruby who is probably by now making growling pig noises unique to growling pigs and Ruby, comes out. To get them back behind the gate, at this point, they have to be dragged through it by their tiny little collars because it is MAYHEM! Usually whoever is behind the gate is having a war on a stuffed squirrel too. I run in there and tug on squirrels with them between dogs. Probably I am yelling stuff like GO GO GO and OW and GIMMEE BACK THAT SQUIRREL!

Then we go through the rotation again. Another couple times through for Otterpop. Who is always surprised and delighted to be part of this whole tupperware scheme that originally was just for the puppy. And on through the ranks. At this point, it is like wrestlers attacking the gate. Like that sport where guys with beards and tattoos are attacking each other behind a chain link fence? Is that real sport? Or like old school roller derby. It is scarey and we love it. Gustavo is shrieking and flinging himself at the gate and the neighbors are like What the F*** is the She Doing? I usually vehemently discourage barking in general but for teaching Gustavo, and for bringing Ruby's pole speed back (which seems to be completely back on our dog agility field driveway poles), they can be in complete frenzy insanity for all I care and the neighbors are just going to have to understand I am a Real Dog Trainer and this is Important Work going on over here.

Cookin' with the Team-A weave pole cooking primer

OK. We haven't had a cooking show in a while. Today we're going to slice up some raw hot dogs!


Did you know I don't even really eat meat? Haven't had a cow or a pig or a fowl since high school. I do like my sushi and anything I shoot myself. And I HAVE been thinking about becoming a cattle rancher in Marfa. But for dog training, I am busting out the meat. I got some hot dogs made out of joyful and grateful chickens that apparently threw themselves right into the grinder at the moment before their natural death from healthy old age on their luxury chicken farm in Petaluma.


Ya slice 'em up real small if you have real small dogs. Gustavo is today's chicken eater, and he is my smallest dog. He will jump 12" and he weighs in at a puny, yet still teeter tipping, 12 lbs.


I put 'em in a teensy tupperware that you can get at Ikea. A whole set of a million for like $5.


Don't forget to put the rest away so no one gets salmonella or is tempted to attack the counter or so you can get a snack.

Allright. Here's the thing. You know what a bad dog trainer I am. I fall asleep during the dog training DVD's. I may not always use approved methods. My biography does not start out, "Laura Hartwick was a top notch obedience competitor for 20 years." I think it starts out, "Laura Hartwick's favorite shoes since kindergarten are navy blue slip-on Vans." So I kind of screwed up on all my dogs on getting them to do everything for tugging.

They all like to play. Otterpop is primarily all about the frisbee, although she definitely enjoys her treats. Ruby will tug but what really gets her fired up is a chunk of chicken inside her little thing she tugs on. Gustavo, he will tug and go crazy before and after training, but what he really, really likes for the top dog reward are some chopped up hot dogs in a tupperware.


I know. Some day, I will be fired from dog agility. I am sorry Susan Garrett. This is why I'm not on any world teams and you are. I know you are not REALLY a witch, we just all have our things we are better at. I bet I draw horses way better than you do. And that's ok.


But see, his weave poles have gotten super way faster and more accurate since I started using dead chicken chunks in Ikeaware as a target out at the end of the poles.


I have the wires off, and the channels open about an inch and a half or so.

I can send him to the poles and he drives all the way through on his own, or with me on either side. So I'm already letting him find his own entries and rear crossing his poles. I can also just stand there and then when he's through, run down to meet him at the target. Let him snarf some dog chunks. Next step, doing this with poles at the practice field! If the thunderbolts of the Tugging Not Food Commandment don't strike me down first.

Tax tips for the self employed.

If it's sunny out, and baby birds are being eaten by cats and the allergy trees are blooming, it must be tax time!

I finally called my accountant for my tax appointment. This has been on my list of things to do for a while but I couldn't bear to do. Like registering my unregistered and unsmogged truck. Oops. That's still on the list. My accountant does all the hard work of my taxes, but I do all the work of getting my records (Records may be stretch. Do we count post-its as Records? And scraps? And vague memories of things?) in order to bring it to her to turn it into a blue folder with a giant bill inside of how much extra money I have to send to the government in April and every few months after that. After I sent them money all year long so we can do stuff like, I dunno, keep having a war in Iraq and making me to put a leash on my dog in my neighborhood field. That was a cheap and grouchy shot. I am used to this. I am hardened. I have been self employed for a long time. (Tax tip-Make sure to actually send the money to them! Don't just pretend, like as in registering trucks. Send it ON TIME. Trust me on this one.)

I actually don't have any idea how my taxes even work, but I have the nicest accountant in the world who seems to have a handle on it. She is the super genius that doesn't mind that over the years I have had sometimes overlapping businesses of horse training, graphic designing and college teaching. And even dog agility training. She just turns it into the magical blue folder of money I have to pay and lets me write off many, but not all things, in my life. Dog vet bills-no. Horse vet bills-yes. Jeans-no. Boots-yes. She is a very, very smart lady. Sometimes she gives me kleenex before she hands me the blue folder for the crying that can ensue at tax time. (Tax tip-you can also bring your OWN kleenex if your accountant isn't as thoughtful as mine.) I think that this year isn't a crying year though. (Tax tip-Yes, always think POSITIVE!)


This is what my record keeping system looks like. Many colorful folders with some things in them. It is interesting to note that the one dog who tends to eat paper is the one laying in the record keeping system. (Record Keeping tip-buying bright colored folders does not filing make! Nor does spray painting file cabinets! You need to actually place things in them.) Plus a lot of other folders and boxes and envelopes and purses and pockets with receipts and then there's also the little notebook and the binder from the attorney. And some stuff in the computer. And don't forget the office flood of the roofing fiasco, which means there could actually be more items stored in the garage that need to be gotten and added and put onto the spreadsheet (Um, spreadsheet could actually be stretching it. Do post-its count as spreadsheet? And a list of numbers I type into a blank text file?) that all has to be ready for my super nice accountant very soon.

So the first important part of starting taxes is that it is time to practice weave poles some more!


With an open mouth, jazz hands, and a slower dog today. We practiced with the border collie puppies the other day. I have huge jealousy of their weave poles. I am pretty sure neither of the puppies' people used Buck Owens as their secret speed weapon. We will rethink our strategy. Likely, they already did their taxes too.

Then,while looking for some tax things by searching on the word "tax" in my computer, I found these instead. And I thought I should show you. Because what is more exciting than photos of other people's dogs? Maybe hearing about their digestion issues?


Ruby in the tunnel. Just shredding it up.


Otterpop in the tunnel. Knowing that the zombies will pounce as soon as she exits.

I also washed my floor! And did laundry! And dog toenails! But actually, no taxes.

A useful thing for Buck Owens.

I know yesterday I was all whiney. I want to go on vacation. And my idea of vacations involves ghost towns and biscuits and deer heads. But I was thinking about it. Do I really want to go to Bakersfield? Bakersfield is no Panguitch or Tonopah or Rhyolite. Why did I say Bakersfield?

You all saw There Will Milkshakes, Right? I mean Blood. Wait. Oil? There will be Blood Oil?

It is the movie with a good typeface. And Daniel Day Pierced Ears won an Oscar. And it was based on true ideas yet fictional about the oil boom happening around Bakersfield around the turn of the century. They didn't actually film it there. They used Marfa, Texas. But I was thinking about Daniel Day Lewis's earrings. I mean pipeline. That would run through the mountains near Tehachapi and come dumping out around Santa Barbara. To make him some more money to go to Italy and become a shoemaker and pollute the ocean and win an Oscar! And Sheriff Ed Tom Bell, he is actually in Marfa, Texas on his polo pony ranch. Except he is really Sheriff Tommy Lee Jones and he had hair, not earrings, at the Oscars. But when he was Sheriff Ed Tom Bell, that was actually in Marfa. Everyone pretty much went to Marfa this year except me. Which is REALLY where I want to go.

So somehow this is how I got to Bakersfield. Which looks like Marfa. And Buck Owens. And the Buckaroos. And I am thinking, how do I keep making Gustavo be a super fast little Buckaroo? Because he loves to run and I have to remember training him that I have to keep agility doing what he loves. So I tried singing Buck Ownens songs to him in the weave poles. While we both ran really, really fast. As if we were running across the desert in Marfa. And he is almost beating me through now! Thanks Buck Owens, in your giant crystal palace in the sky! Sorry PG&E guy who I totally freaked out by doing this and you just wanted to come up the driveway and check the meter!

Distraction still life with crap.

I am trying to distract you from the plain fact that I did not practice weave poles with Gustavo for about one week, and he forgot how to do them. Completely.

I am not lying.

So instead of going out and working on them, I'll just pretend that who needs weave poles anyways and take some more pictures of home decor items. Covering up the training flaws with a little phage. That's definitely the Team Small Dog way.

I think I want to run away and join the cast of Architectural Digest.

Teaching weave poles-a primer.

Every day, we do some poles. Like every day you brush your teeth. Walk around in 3 circles and pat the wall 3 times before turning on a light switch. Have the maid whip you up an green chili omelette and a chocolate shake before the gang from Entourage comes around.

It's just what you do.


I didn't know this would be so unflattering. I am going to cry. This is what we look like doing poles? Tim Gunn, where were you when I needed you?


I mean, I really didn't know. I hate you See's Candy. It's your fault. Do you like my swanky training field though? Aka, driveway.


Right? That's what I'm saying. And Benecio Del Toro is meeting me for drinks tonight. This is an educational training guide, right? Note my fancy piece of fleece tug toy and little piece of cheese in my hand. Important training tools!


This is why we practice. I believe in this shot, he is just running down the driveway. Somewhere in his mind, he is either doing weave poles or is on the veranda having a mai tai.

Quick, creative dog training solutions for a rain based time crunch!

In a little break in the rain, I actually got to practice with the dogs for a little bit on the way to work. A miracle! A neccessity, since we are going to Turlock this Sunday and we all feel out of shape and tiredy.

It was damp. It was muddy. It was freezing. We are so tough, me and Team Small Dog.

So how do you get the most bang for your buck when it's about to rain, it's freezing cold, and you have a whole buncha horses needing rides before that rain actually starts and you gotta practice fast?

I made a little gamble of a teeter, poles, jump and tire.

Otterpop STILL NEEDS an Advanced Gamblers Q, please agility gods, just grant us one and let us move on with our lives. Gamblers is hardly ever, ever on a Sunday, and every time it is, it's either got a teeter (paranoia attack unless I am oh-so-near at a dog show), or I make some hair-brained, capital E Error (like, remember the time I body slammed the kindly yet slow moving judge?) and in Turlock there is Advanced Gamblers on Sunday.

Needless to say, you've all heard this old story a million times, when she practices, Otterpop sends out from the moon. Yes, I still can't send her to weave poles from inside a parked car while drunk, but at least I have a goal.

So I set up what would look like a horrible, gnarly gamble, with a teeter and poles, and backchained that until she was flying through with flying colors. If only dog practice Otterpop was dog show Otterpop.

Ruby likes to send out to things. Sometimes too much-if she is feeling spry and sassy, you say out and you get like WAY out. So she was mostly practicing getting these huge rewards for doing her poles fast. When we practice, her poles are still really fast IF I am close by. They are slow if I am sending her out far to them. A new part of the clue! Agility Detective! So I just practiced fast poles with me in there and her fast giving her giant, freakout AWARDS OF JOYFULNESS and frisbee attacking string cheese eating. Oh sorry, goodbye my non agility readers. I just lost you. Really, agility is the new black, it is fun and cool, I really am not lying!

Gustavo, he doesn't even do sequences. He is learning how to run up the teeter super fast and slide into a down on the yellow end and ride down to the bottom eating some cheese, and having it bang around with him holding a down. Disneyland should take note. Kids would love this. Because agility is the new black, just wait and see how popular it is in 5 years from now and everyone is DYING to capitalize on it and you are saying, damn, Laura TOLD US this would happen, and the Teeter ride becomes a theme park hit. Then the kids run off as fast as they can after it's been banging around when they are holding their stays to their target. For some weird reason, I made a target jumping onto a black bucket and laying down like it's a table. I was not drunk. It just happened and it was funny so that's what we did. A black bucket might not be that exciting for kids, how about they can run to a mud pit full of nerf weapons?

Gustavo practiced his Success With One Jump. He ran down the dogwalk a bunch. He is getting it! He also woke us all up at 4am to alert us to the impending danger from a pair of pants hanging over a chair. Remember his pumpkin freakout? Not much freaks out Gustavo except for pumpkins, and apparently, pants. UPS guys and people breaking into my car, you are safe from Gustavo but pants and pumpkins, you look out.

Hey and lookedy, got done quick, everyone got a few turns, and still got to work and horses done before the rain!

Things we did yesterday.

The burning question on my mind, Who Dug the Goddamn Hole? Those are the kinds of questions I have on my day off.


Because I did some gardening when the actual sun was out.


For like 5 minutes. And then I just made sure the pots had enough plastic animals in them to cover the weeds up.


Otterpop is the only dog that got to sit on the big Caterpillar loader in front of the garbage pile. Not all small dogs get to do that.


You can put your dogs on heavy equipment if your husband works at the dump. That's part of the monster machine that does recycling.


Here's the new sign at Lighthouse Field. I understand this to mean that tall, thin guys need to keep their great danes on a short leash. This is clearly not directed at Team Small Dog.

Hey and weave pole practice in the sun for everyone. I didn't take pictures of that. Some day I will master action shot self portraits. You just wait.

Gustavo practices just doing his poles. No more wires! Channels are open just a bit and he is flying thru and hitting entrances like a pro.

Ruby is using the channels too. I am trying to see if she stays fast if we do frenzied tugging/eat food/frenzied tugging, poles, repeat the whole frenzied tugging and treats so she thinks poles are the bomb. Her poles are crazy, insane fast in the driveway doing this. I am really watching her through the poles. Maybe she hurts herself because she is bizarre looking when she weaves. I'm seeing if having the channels open a little makes any difference. What the hell.

Otterpop gets sent to the poles with me in weird places far away. The poles are in the driveway. Can I stand in the street and send to poles? No problem. Behind the gate? No problem. Can I sit in the car and send her? Nope. I bet Hobbes would do that. That's our goal. Not that it will neccessarily help in agility, but kind of a cool party trick when drunk.

Well, let's try to analyze this mixed bag of a dog show.

OK, so here are some kudos. Maybe the rest of this story will be boring because I believe if i was reading this about someone else's dogs, I may be bored. But maybe there are lessons here for all of us, or maybe you are such an agility star you have some good ideas about things I can do to improve on some, um, issues.

Kudos to Gary for getting up at 5am and making sure my leaky radiator was full so I did not throw an engine rod on my car driving there! And he wore the head flashlight to do this too. How much are we loving that head flashlight?

Kudos for Gustavo for not escaping or screaming and being super well behaved and acting like a well trained puppy and taking walks and playing a lot of tug on his nasty ratty piece of fleece.

Kudos to Ruby for just being so fast and what a good dog. And winning all her classes, except for 2nd in one. It was CPE. So it's not like winning all her classes in USDAA. But I was super happy with all her runs, except for her slowish weave poles, which continues to be disturbing, especially when she is flying around out there and then hits those poles and slows way down. (In CPE, slow poles aren't that weird so she can still win I guess, but that doesn't make them ok.) She got a 2nd in a class where they had to do 3 sets of poles. I avoided them in things like Gamblers and those Wacky CPE Point Hogging classes. Which in one, I hogged more points than I believe anyone else in the whole dog show. I have to recheck that score when they post it online, but I apparently got 83 points when most people were getting 40 or at the most 60. I just used shrewd strategy of ground covering and weave pole avoiding and hogged points like it is the end of the world and I'm the last polar bear trying to collect the last ice cubes. Sorry polar bears. Also rocking, Super Q worthy Snookers. Ruby, you are the best. But your weave poles continue to disturb me and I am not sure if it is me, are you trying to tell me something about my handling skills by slowing down in the poles? Is it you? Does your shoulder hurt, which seems unlikely because you are never lame anymore and so fast? Is it both of us? Is there someone else? I don't want to break up Ruby! But I don't know what your slow weave poles are saying!

Otterpop. I am not giving you Kudos. OK. You won all your classes except for 2 which we need to have a little talk about. She had a good fast first place winning first run. It was a points one and I did the fast point hog thing. In the next class, Standard, the start headed straight down a line right to an old man setting poles. There are a couple guys in like their 80's that do CPE. They rock. They are so cute and I find it amazing they can run around out there with their dogs and they are 80! And there was one of the fellas, sitting in a plastic lawn chair, ready to dash out on his spiderly 80 year old legs each time a dog knocked a rail down. And Otterpop takes one look at him, beelines out to him and starts barking.

Take that Otterpop. I called her in to me, and instead of keeping going, marched her to her leash without a word, put it on, and took her straight to the car, not even picking up BELOVED FRISBEE, and just locking her in the car. Alone. I took the other dogs on an enjoyable walk. Thank god I do not have kids. I would go to jail. I think people probably think I beat her, which I DO NOT! because she was all cowery the whole way there probably because I have not spoken even a word to her this whole time and she thinks I have become the dog Whisperer or abominable Snowman.

Otterpop you are FOUR YEARS OLD!

So her next run, wow! Super speedy! Perfect manners. Not a glance at any old men or photographer or pole setters or judges. Wins class! This pattern followed for a while. Til the last class. It was like she sat there and figured this out to get back at me. I mean, I know this isn't what dogs do, right? There has to be some other reason, I am a bad handler, I did something, but she has never done this. She starts out, not super fast but just fine, fast enough, it is Snookers. She takes a few jumps (I was doing the same aggressive all "7's" course I did with Ruby), and then just stops and gives me the look she gives when she is playing fetch and there are other dogs around and she is not giving up a precious stick because THEY WILL TAKE IT and IT IS HERS. But she is in the dog agility ring and there is no frisbee or stick or tennis ball, she is just supposed to keep on jumping and she has just stopped. And is looking at me like "I am Otterpop the Great and Powerful Ruler of the Universe and Screw You." What did I do Otterpop? Do you want to break up with me too? I thought we had a beautiful relationship and now this.

I just ceased the run and took her to jail again. BecauseI didn't want to signal that behavior like that is going to fly for even a second. I don't know. It was our last run, so I didn't get to test the post jail Perfect Dog On Parole technique. I think my dogs are messed up. Obviously I messed them up. I am trying to give myself objective advice as an agility trainer but I am a little baffled other than I think I am doing something weird to mess my dogs up. We do fun tricks, they seem excited and motivated and happy to go in the ring. They are amazing when we practice. But we have weird patterns here. I don't think I am a bad handler. But I know I'm not the greatest handler, and clearly not the greatest trainer. I have many successes and handlers I respect tell me I am doing a good job. Even let me run their dog. But, I have a new young dog here and if I am doing something completely crazy and lame I want to fix it NOW before I screw up what might end up being a very talented little dog.

Maybe it's just my shoes? Or my accessorizing? Should I start wearing makeup? Get a boob job? Follow everything Susan Garrett says like I am in a cult? Take the pressure off the dogs and just do a bit of a run and leave the ring and play? Is it a customer service issue? Heidi Klum? Aack, the karma is catching up with me for being a mean lady? Damn, it's always something.

Because I didn't write up Our Year In Review (barf)?

So, KNOW my blog is a little different than the other agility blogs I run across. This tends to happen in whatever walk of life I end up. Maybe just one beer short of everyone else's sixpack. Close but no cigar shop indian. But I was feeling sorta left out today. I tried to sign the guestbook of a very well known agility person. She is a screener of guests. No auto-guestbook feature for her. You know, just click here to say "hey." Very web 1.0. Old school, before the Friendster evolved to the Facebook evolved to the YouTube evolved to whatever is next with the bluetooth and the camera phone uploading podcasts to our robot dog chip.

But I got rejected! Not sure why. I know she visited TeamSmallDog.com and everything. My webstats can tell me these things. And decided I was not the sort of agility type who should be viewable on her Guestbook. Not naming names here, but if you are an agility super star I just want to say hey there and go on your guestbook. That is a big reaching out from yours truly, with the dicey social skills online and offline. Customer Service! Networking like the Leo horoscope said to do! Working on building that brand. Teamsmalldog.com in 2008 is Great!

In most ways, I am your basic agility lady. I give my dogs some cheese when they do it right! I clicker train! I tug! I compete in the the Masters Level of the USDAA. I go to some CPE trials. I have my own weave poles (2 sets!) and a contact trainer. I have dog crates in the car and my car smells! I have sporty pants! I take agility class and I teach agility class. I watched a Susan Garrett cd and sometimes at night stay awake pondering running contacts vs. 2on/2off. You will trip on xpens in my garage, which used to be an artist studio until filling up with things like canopies and those xpens.

I just want agility to be, you know, sort of more lovely. Like this vision in my mind where everyone is always really nice and not crazy and there are super models populating the background in cork soled wedges. Keith Richards drives up in a black jeep and starts passing out old school xerox flyers for the party at his house. The guys with the skateboard ramp out back bring everyone a nice cold Bud and their pitbull goes clean in Jumpers and a pool party is thrown later in the day at the horse ranch and someone actually invites me to carpool with them and asks in such a nice way and my dogs don't growl at anyone. Santino brings his little dog for his first trial and has sewn a stunning canopy out of hand dyed chiffons and we all admire it and he grills hotdogs and skewers of matching vegetables in jewel tones on a tiny hibachi while my artist friends talk about Miami Basel in an inclusive fashion and no one has to sit all by themselves or starts weeping in a corner. Or is shooting heroin. The vendors sell flea market items instead of embroidered breed clothing and Beck often runs his friend's border collie. The weather is nice, and if it isn't, we're in a covered arena wearing team colors. Lots of kids too, and teenagers, like how there is at a horse show but not just for the rich and powerful.

So we'll see. We keep working at it. If I make it nice and lovely for you, all you people out there not doing the dog agility, will you come?

What does he do if you hit him over the head with a bed pan?

Do you notice the white paint on his foot and the clean floor? Let's try another round of Jingle Bells.

Monday is my day off. Today isn't my day off. I have nothing funny to tell you today.

I love Mondays. Boy, I could have kept you in stitches yesterday. Instead, I slaved around the house. I actually got to meet one of our roofers. Who is working for our roofer. Who comes over every so often to finish our roof. Which isn't actually finished. But should be waterproof, if it actually did rain, since now that we have a roof, global warming has kicked in and it doesn't rain. We had to share the ladder, he was up on top of the roof, coating it with whatever you coat special weird roofs like ours with, and I was under the roof, painting it. He is from Denmark and really wants to quit roofing to become a pilot in Florida. I still didn't finish painting, and he still didn't finish roofing. Someday.


Proof.

I also found an organization in Santa Cruz/San Jose that you can sign up your dog to be a therapy dog with only 7 pages of paperwork called FurryFriends.org. I will have to wear a t-shirt with that word on it. That is teal. There is only one place they take dogs to in Santa Cruz on Sundays, an old folks home in Capitola. Gustavo has to go and pass a test in Sunnyvale in January to see if he is afraid of wheelchairs or screams if hit with a walker, and if he passes, maybe they will let me go. I guess I won't be visiting any old folks for Christmas time in my holiday outfit, singing Jingle Bells. But this one seems more hopeful. Then you only go on every third Sunday. So I have to hope dog shows don't come up on third Sundays of the month.

I even washed my floor yesterday. I tried to be a good homemaker. It is possible I am somewhat unconventional as a wife. My husand got somewhat ripped off. I pretty much don't cook or clean, I don't have kids, never mow the lawn, and I like to put taxidermy in the house. I have compromised on the taxidermy issue, and we are down to very limited taxidermy inside the house. If it is a deer head and any part of it is rotting, it has to live in the garage. No one can ever say I don't make compromises.

A perfect Monday would involve perfect weave poles from Gustavo (let's give that a few years), low tide and no one rolling in seal carcass, black thin pens that don't run out of ink and always finding the perfect photo, and my computer battery not dying. Also if it happened on my ranch or beach house in Stinson Beach. And I could sing Jingle Bells to an old person holding a dog. And I had pleasant trail horses living in my yard. And sushi. I better stop now.

Handle it like a Princess.

So at the trial this weekend, in Masters Gamblers, you had to run around for 35 seconds, get a lot of points, then when the buzzer went off, run over to the jump behind the yellow line, send the dog out to the right about 30 feet to a set of weave poles and over another jump. While you are behind the yellow line. Not a lot of dogs were getting it-it's hard enough to do the weave poles at a far distance, let alone with a turn off of a jump that made a very hard entrance to the poles. Like would have been hard enough without being 30 feet away.

So when I practiced Tuesday, of course I set it up. And of course Ruby kept acing it no matter how much farther I got back, or set up new jump angles to make it even worse, like making the 3rd jump even farther out so she had to turn away from me after the poles and get it. She is unstoppable when we practice. You show her once, she is ON IT. Otterpop was getting it too, except missed the entry on some of her turns, speeding ahead to the third pole. She does this sometimes when she's in a hurry and I do not stand still in EXACTLY the right spot. I just yell at her and pull her back around and she hits it the next time. She did this once at the trial. Bad habit. 5 faults-refusal. Just start at the FIRST pole Otterpop! Look at That One! Not the slasher sitting there!

My dogs are SO MUCH faster and consistent when I practice by myself. They are faster and more consistent when I practice in class. They are fairly fast and somewhat inconsistent when I am at the dog show. There are tons of reasons why. Stress. Unfamiliar venue. Unfamiliar equipment. I do not have the frisbee. Or piece of cheese or any type of rotting food on my person. Judges or ring crew sitting or standing too close to the start line. Judges or ring crew standing anywhere near a contact. Heidi Klum. Freddie Krueger. Boredom from sitting around bored the whole day. The hot sun. Sore back. Sore legs. Woke up on wrong side of bed.

Come on dogs! I have been working on being someone that does not complain and has a sunny disposition and provides cheerful customer service! Come on dogs! Just go fast and be consistent at the dog show too! What would Princess Diana do? Run out fast to those weave poles EVERY SINGLE TIME, with no complaints or excuses and with Style. Always remember Princess Diana and not Courtney Love. Thank you dogs!