Some healthy weight tips from a special secret guest who is Oprah!

This is my friend Oprah. You might know her. We used to hang out sometimes on my day off. It's been a while though.


How much do you love her couch? Oprah is richer than God. If you're her friend, she might give you Balenciaga and hand crafted donuts and a van.

We hung out the other day. It was raining. She packed on some pounds last year. I feel for you, Oprah. You eat the blue chips, I eat the See's candy. She is REALLY upset about it though.


I'm all, "Maybe you can have a banana for snack?"

She's all, "No way-total carbs. Is not on my food schedule. Grilled chicken breast!"


So I'm all, "LOOKY! Broccoli! Total healthysville! Hippie food! Just stick it in a pan!"

She's all, "Cardio! I hate the cardio but I cardio!"


So I found this. "Oprah! Carrots! Totally eat the carrots! Then just go take the dogs for a run out in the rain. I think you might have special gore tex dog rain running accessories, even?"

Oprah sighs. "I'm overscheduled. I do not love myself. No time for self. Self? Sweater capes?"


"Crunchy apple? It's orgaaaannniiiccc...."

I might be wearing her down.


"I put this in my coffee instead of Mr. Jack Daniels! It's non fat! Just switch to this, Oprah. And you could come to Dirt Nite this week too, help set jumps and stuff. We'll getcha running out there. It's like the new black for the over 50 crowd. Sophie and Timmy, they're up there somewhere scarfing down garlic fries. But you can do this with one of the golden retrievers, bring 'em up from the Montecito house. You still have a couple of those goldens, right? Watsonville Airport, right down the street!"

You can just see it in her face. A lot of my friends have this reaction now. "Always about the dog agility with you. Just not going to happen. The producers said it's just way too time consuming. Bob Greene never approved it and not sure if it's the way to our better Life. Oops, almost 5:00 and poof, I vanish."

She never gave me Balenciaga anyways. Or a van.

Proper dog exercise-a primer of sorts.

Oprah has a best friend named Nate. You know who he is. He decorates everyone's house in super tasteful yet distressed finishes and textural personal touches and you are like, not only do I want him to decorate my house if he can incorporate taxidermy and paint by numbers, but he should also be my new best friend. Maybe it's just the editing of editors, but he seems so friendly and nice on tv and would find you these great chairs and would be happy to talk to you when you are stuck in a traffic jam about earthquakes and fundamentalist mormons' prarie dresses. He has all the personal qualities that were my New Years resolution to have, except mine lasted only until about Jan. 8, and his are just part of his personality as portrayed on tv.

But of course Oprah snagged him first. And if Oprah wants you as a best friend, you go with it, because she is richerful and can have anything she wants. So he decorated all her houses and closets and her other best friend Gail's house and he is sometimes a charming sidekick on her show. I am not sure if Oprah is a great best friend. I believe she may be somewhat rude, and intimidates people into being her best friend, although she can make up for it by giving you giant diamonds.

I am not really a great best friend, I am sort of mean and not really warm, with a personality more grating than nice and a tendency to start yelling about off topic items. A charisma more repellant than lovable, perhaps more suited to friend of pet dogs. Had I the power to offer up giant diamonds, I could probably have a best friend. With my little internal toolbox of wrong sized drill bits, I don't really get to have a best friend. Am lucky to have any friends at all. I have friends like Joel Warner who won't speak to me on the phone. I definitely don't get a Nate. I'll just watch him on Oprah and wish he was picking out tiny yet resourceful furniture for my tiny house and it would magically look and feel huge and then he would order cupcakes from this cool shop he knows and we would take the dogs to the beach and not fret about tickets. OF COURSE he would love dog agility and we would hang out at trials together and we would both have cute outfits.

But Nate has bad dogs. Or they used to be bad dogs. Because Oprah used her powers to have Cesar Milan fix them.

I kind of don't get Cesar Millan. I've only seen his show a couple times; he seems to sort of waltz in, wave around his arms and talk about pack leaders and then the dogs are magically good dogs. He lives somewhere in downtown LA in a giant pit filled with horrible fanged pitbulls and dogs with visible tattoos who all get along and rollerskate around skid row with him. I don't know if he beats the dogs or what, but he seems to have hordes of evil dogs that are transformed instantly. So whatever. His show makes it look like all you have to do is put your leash up high by their ears and tell them you are the pack leader and they're lovable angels, so I don't really buy his voodoo method. I tell my dogs all the time I am the pack leader and only Otterpop believes me. Ruby goes and makes a sandwich and Gustavo is too busy running around the backyard with another one of my socks. And Timmy can't hear. But he is a good dog so i don't need to tell him.

But one thing he does say is exercise dogs a lot. I am totally down with that. You might not see my dogs and say, wow those are well behaved dogs. You probably would actually not say that. Unless we are just having a really good day or they are completely exhausted. So, to make them even borderline well behaved, I have to run the pants off of them. So do you see why I can't just stroll around town with them on leashes? Stuff them into a little fenced pen of bark chips with a whole bunch of other dogs? Why they need to go out onto acreage and actually run? Cesar Millan would agree. So would Nate. And probably even Oprah. Although she just hires a dog nanny to run her dogs, or buys them a ranch, or totes them around on a plane where she probably has a dog treadmill.

Hey Nate. Did you even try dog agility?

Whatever you do, don't let Oprah tip over.

I used to make sure to watch Oprah on my day off. For a long time, my friend Anthony would call me at the end of his Oprah, which was 3pm, before my Oprah began, which was 4pm. To discuss Oprah. And ways to get rich off the Internet that involved gay porn and a lot of cameras. He was in the Los Angeles time zone, I was in the Santa Cruz time zone. I'm not sure why our Oprahs were on at different times just because of being NorCal and SoCal, but they were. When you have dogs, and one day off, Oprah is sort of like floor washing time. And laundry. Right? Tell me it isn't.

I will admit. I probably watched Oprah with Irony. Most of the time. Except for when she did makeover shows. And would give away stuff to people. Then I wished I was an Oprah guest. I would nod in agreement with her real good. Except I think they screen what the audiences look like and I am pretty sure I wouldn't have made it through the screening. Maybe now that I am over FORTY, and maybe they hand out Oprah appropriate outfits at the door. Because the audience is always color coordinated, down to the lipstick. In a color that sets off Oprah's outfit just right. And like blouses and sweaters.


Then I had a dream I could become Oprah's dog nanny in Montecito on her giant ranch. That is one place I would like to move, even more than Marfa. Closer to LA. Except it's even more expensive than buying a ranch here, so my only hope would be to tend to Oprah's dogs and I guess run around with them on her expansive lawns a lot. I don't think she has horses. That was my best way I could think of to get rich and have my dream ranch. Just become Oprah's dog nanny and sort of sponge off of her on her ranch, just running around with her dogs. She'd let me bring my dogs. She's so Giving that way.


So Anthony, he passed away. He never got rich. I'm still here. I lost my taste for Oprah on Mondays. I still haven't bought a ranch. I guess there's still time. But I do get to run around with my dogs a lot. Sometimes on expansive lawns, sometimes on dirt, sometimes at the beach, sometimes down the sidewalk. And Oprah, you have your giant airplanes and houses and cashmere bathrobes and I don't even know what else. But I bet you hardly don't ever run around with your dogs. So I think I have that on you Oprah.

I guess we could say this is in honor of valentines.

OK. During those weird days when I was all high on cupcakes or my newly appointed job as Sunshine Czar or whatever, all these important issues were happening and it was like my head was just stuck in the sand or the sun and I'm finally coming around.

That was scarey for a moment.

So like, first of all. Who do we like better for First Lady?

If it is Mrs. Barack, Oprah is going to be all over that one like meatballs. You know she is going to totally be Michelle's new Best Friend from moment one. And I think Oprah has switched from Cesar Milan to Hollywood Dog Trainer of the Stars for her evil little cocker spaniels. So when the Daughters Barack get their first border collie puppy, dog agility people-it is the uprising! Unless they are forced to get a cocker spaniel. Or a golden retriever. Oprah is the one with the power in this relationship. But it could start with throwing treats at it for a sit, it will end with the whole White House Easter Egg Hunt/Helicopter Pad Lawn a giant field of dog agility items! Good job! And also, Mrs. Barack, she has the style of First Ladies already totally built in. She sports classic First Lady hair already! You go search on her in google, Michelle Obama, and you see for yourself. Click on the images tab. Picture her and Oprah on a commerative hand painted plate for your wall. With their dogs. Nice!

Now, if it is Mrs. HIllary, it would actually be Mr. Bill. We will just call him First Lady for now, although a new title may have to be invented for this situation. I think he has loosened up his image even more since he's been thrown out of the White House. A little bit more Southern Guy who lives in a Tony Soprano type house in NY with somewhat untrained lab who still likes to occasionally jog and golf and hang out with the ladies and party on Garth. There's a sentence for my grammar friends! There is no dog agility equipment going up near the helipad with Bill in there. You know how those labs can get so fat. Maybe the lab would have to stay tied up on a chain outside so this one doesn't run into the street. I bet that there are a lot of busy streets near the White House. Occasional tennis ball throwing. Commemorative plate value? Not so much. Maybe if Project Runway Chris was the stylist.

OK, so one idea of great popularity I hear is Hilary and Barack as president and vice president. I can't remember who is who. But, how about Hilary and Mrs. Barack, if not for president and vice president, at least on the Franklin Mint plate? They are like Salt-N-Pepa! Mandrell sisters! And then we make sure that we get a dog into the White House too.