Hola Gustavo! otherwise known as Team Small Dog goes off the grid in Los Angeles but then they are back and Gustavo will fill you in.

Hola! Gustavo can tell you why there was no blogs! Here he is telling you this on the interwebs but you can look at his photo with the Epic Swell behind him! Epic! Dudes! Is many beaches in LA and so little time!


Is Laura! She drove and drove and drove the car on many freeways and to places such as Nordstroms and the Mexican restaurant! She mutters under her breath many times and sometimes screams at people nice buddhist phrases such as FREE YOUR HEART FROM HATRED but she is flipping finger bird while being Buddhist!


Gustavo poses here with dogs plus N-dog.


N-dog and the Christmas train and Gustavo can tell you he is not afraid of the train and no more monkey bark screaming at the Christmas train! No peeing in the house! No bad dogs!


Otterpop is a big fat show off. Laura's sister uses dog agility pointy finger but I believe is pointing at the toy missiles that Gustavo will eat! Ironman shoots missiles out his fingers and Gustavo can eat them!


This one is a puppy and it does not have a dog name yet however it is friend to Otterpop because can throw the tennis ball and pets Gustavo very nice for such a puppy.


Epic Swell! When is Epic Swell there are millions of guys in plaid shirts with hoodies under them and they have no underpants under their waist towels doing street changing and they say Epic and they will all pet Gustavo!


Park! There are a lot of parks because of N-dog and the Puppy!


Park agility!


Bike agility!


This is the park Otterpop and Ruby hate. It is called the Dog Park and Gustavo makes 100 friends with people here who pet him and there are also dogs and Otterpop and Ruby hate this place.


Also Gary hates this place because dogs have sweaters! And the people stand around and want to talk about dogs. But everyone here pets Gustavo 100 times!


This is the best park due to the squirrels and N-dog will also help dig for squirrels and there were possibly 100 squirrels.


Gary taught the other dogs at this beach to do dog heeling due to the hamburger sandwiches in the bag! Gustavo too busy RUNNING for hamburger sandwich training. This is Santa Barbara which equals you are in the crate in the car then you are here then you are in the crate in the car until you are home.

Team Small Dog takes the holidays very, very seriously.

I was going to tell you about going to practice yesterday morning before work in the FREEZING! Of where there were icy bits on the grass and Gustavo ran around like a CHAMPION and I ran until I almost passed out with stabbing lung pain and fainting! Fainting, kittens! But didn't, and was happy to be out galavanting around in the sun, even if it did involve ice.

But then I came home and it was so nice in the dog heater chair and I am teaching Otterpop a very funny trick in the house and then buying brother in law xmas gift on the internet and then what was I talking about?

Oh, that you were so worried about my icy bits? And the swooning? You were totally thinking just then, right, if Laura was my REAL friend and not my INTERNET friend, and I would make her a hot toddy to ward off the fainting and sew her dogs little ice proof outfits?

Except, do we even know what is a hot toddy? Does it live in a thermos and involve rum and coke?

For my INTERNET friends, who I like to pretend are my REAL friends because whatever DID happen to all my real friends, after you became super famous museum show having artists who then became pals with rocks stars and I became the somewhat chubby friend who may somewhat forget to brush one's hair? Like, hello, at least I didn't hole up in a modular with 16 cats and a candle making kit. I just switched over to dogs, people. Dogs. It's not LIKE cats.

Anyways. Friends. Your own ho ho ho delivered to your do do door, just send me your u.s.postal address to laura _at_ teamsmalldog _dot_com and get yer own autographed team greeting.

Yep, you there. Let me know you exist and get a fine little piece of mail art as proof that we're pals now. The magic of the interwebs tells me there are pretty many of you out there. You are either hella bored or you sure like my dogs, so now's yer chance to look at 'em every day on your refrigerator.

Or else you find out I am totally a serial killer stalker and I show up at your door and am demanding hot toddy. And you live in Canada!

Righty-o. My few remaining real friends, who maybe now sort of are turned into internet friends, I won't let Gustavo chew on yours. Not even the corner. Internet friends and friend friends and we are all friends, I am just trying to send you a damn Xmas card. So there.

Holiday Dog Training Tips

I know. Some of you are out there shoveling trenches for your dogs in the snow so you don't interrupt your 2x2 weave pole training. De-icing your dogwalk with your blow dryer. Moved your jumps into the kitchen and burned the dining room table for heat to warm precious performance dog muscles.

Um. Agility? Hi, do I know you, my old friend? Not going to too many dog shows this month anyways because, ahem, no dog show monies due to no dog class teaching. And not big sales on the team small dog shwag for xmas shoppers. My economy, not stimulated enough. And it's been rainy or I've been sick or gone and so not even sure last time we did some agility. Santa Rosa dog show? Was that so long ago?

So for holiday traveling, we just worked on basic manners and general good dog training. Which is helpful, since I am the houseguest that shows up with 3 toothy, barky, and scratchy bundles of joy that may want to climb onto your counters and eat your Christmas Dinner then chase the UPS man off the front porch. Hypothetically speaking.

Holiday Training Tip No. 1:
The tennis ball is your friend. Every morning, we walked stealthily through abandoned suburbs, no other signs of life except for occassional ipodded and wicking fabric swaddled joggers padding by us on the most clean and sparkly streets. Past neutrally painted classic ranch style homes with stone facades and impeccable landscaping, to the deserted seaside elementary school. Where there is a giant grassy soccer field and baseball field and green grass as far as the eye can see. 2 tennis balls in hand. Which are thrown, over and over, and over again to the delight and frenzy of the small dogs until tongues sufficently hanging out and Otterpop laying on top of her ball, like a big fat goose sprawled over a lumpy golden egg.

Holiday Training Tip No. 2:
Playground equipment. Is sort of like agility but actually, sort of way insanely funner because it involves slides. Teach your dog to go down the slide. But be careful of the twisty tall one because maybe your dog will leap like an insane squirrel bat from the top. Luckily playgrounds are used to kids doing stuff like this all the time and have nice, cushy, manufactured surfaces for dogs to slam into. If your dog is Otterpop, can actually run up the slide the wrong way and down the ladder. No other small dogs mananged that feat. Everybody else, just holler "Climb!" and off they go, up the stairs, through the archway and flying down the big red slide. Hours of fun. Can be combined with Training Tip No. 1 tennis ball for even faster slide riding. Small children can use playground stuff at same time, it's ok. But small dogs totally kick their ass in fastness of sliding. Sorry kids. Take a tip from the team. Run!

Holiday Training Tip No. 3:
Wordless communication on the beach. Pretend you cannot utter a word because you have a wicked painful sore throat and maybe even a fever. Use a series of whistles and hand gestures to communicate things like Do Not Jump Off the Bluff or Get Out of the Cave or Step Away From the Picnic. Did you read the book Edgar Sawtelle? I did and I'll tell you how it ends if you want. Spoiler Alert right now! The dog dies. He cannot speak and Oprah bestowed all good things on this book and while I am reading it, I cannot speak due to laryngitis. Coincidence? I think not. I did not love this book but I did read it to the end and it was super long. I never read the real Hamlet but I saw the movie. I did like the part trekking through the forest. It's complicated. What was I talking about?

Holiday Training Tip No. 4:
Don't worry about the mud. A fine place to tire out dogs is the muddy trails above the baseball field. By the junior high. In the beautiful suburbs, no homeless people live under bushes. Bulemic cheerleaders may drink beer and scarf Arby's down by the drainage creek, under the palm tree, but they totally pack their trash out. Thanks Cheerleaders! You guys are rad! I take the dogs up to the trails and my shoes are within seconds enveloped in mud cocoons and the dogs run up and down and back and forth for an hour or so until tongues once again sufficiently hanging out. This is a fine place to go when it's raining outside. Carcass may be consumed here. Either the cheerleaders or natural death of suburban happiness kills small rodents up there and they are inserted here and there in the sticky mud. This training tip might cause dog barfing, fyi.

Holiday Training Tip No. 5:
Repeat training tips 1 through 4 frequently throughout your holiday visit. Because tired dogs are less likely to do stuff like climb onto the super high counter via the barstool and eat the plate of ham sandwiches. Attack the fragrant, juicy roast which is on the counter, resting. Did you know you need to rest roasts? I don't even eat roasts. But now I know you need to rest roasts and keep an eye on all dogs during the rest. Eating of these things, could also cause dog barfing. Or consumption of the mummified, used tampon one dog found on the smooth, manicured and weed free grass park strip one morning. The suburbs are just different.

Holiday Training Tip No. 6:
Every member of the miniature Christmas village that lives under the Christmas tree is a Leave It. Especially tiny ice skaters. And little bears in fuzzy costumes with hats. Contraband. Next dog that sneaks under there to gently select in their tiny little teeth any village members with intent of digesting village members gets Polar Express steam train turned on in their face which circles the village menacingly, over and over again, trapping dogs in the village forever until benevolent dog trainer turns train off. Ha, take THAT village rapers and pillagers.

Holiday Training Tip No. 7:
Squirrel tv. Do you have this channel? Just send a small child to dump loads of bird feeding seeds onto the bird feeder which also doubles as obese squirrel buffet. Everyone go inside for a second. Look out the window and here comes fast waddling bushy tails porking out on the buffet. You can leave this channel on a long time, and dogs will either be very, very quiet, or start making squeaky, whiney squirrel eating noises and quivering. This is a useful tv channel for teaching the words Ready-Steady-Go to your dogs. Just put on the channel. Put your hand on the door. Ready, Steady, and FLING open the door Go and see how fast those fat old squirrels can scurry with all the dogs chasing them every which a way.

Holiday Training Tip No. 8:
Sword proofing. Utilize short, tiny pirates for this. Not all dogs may be used to cutlasses, sabres, or swords being wielded in their faces at random intervals throughout the day. If you have small children who truly believe they are pirates, and have their own full pirate regalia including hook, skull and crossbones cloche, eye spyglass and whistle, then you are in luck. Because if they have all that stuff, you know they have a sword too. Is also useful for dog exercising if it happens to be raining out. Just have the shrimpy pirates chase them around with the sword ordering them to walk the plank a lot and rescue princess from the cage. Watch the dogs scatter under furniture! Run like scurvy varmits! Although when cornered, and threatened with a cutlass, not all dogs will react appropriately. Gustavo. Just saying. A good proofing exercise.

So that's 8 tips that should get you in tip top shape. For the next dog show. Oh wait. Or something. Are the holidays almost done yet?

What day is it today?

I know. I was gone a really long time. I was busy having a White Christmas.

We got snowed in.

That whole blizzard business. Brrrrr. Had to put on an actual sweater a couple times.

Was also just super busy. Can't even tell you.

There was just so much to do.

Everyone foraging for food all the time. And the internet was broken.

Luckily, there was good tv. It was about squirrels.

That show was on a lot.

Some days, we were so busy no one even took off their jammies. What with the blizzard and all.

Captain Hook, still in jammies.

Also, I was held prisoner on a pirate ship part of the week so how am I supposed to write a blog when I'm trapped in a cage by those scurvey poop decks?

Captain Hook looks like he's taking Gustavo prisoner. So I had to rescue him and all that and that really took up a lot of time.

No one even had time to take a nap.

Except him.

Hope everybody had as fun a Christmas as me!

Hi and Merry Christmas!

I know, I know. It's just that there was no internet and it was raining and there were pirates all over the place and I started reading this book and we had to walk the dogs and the photos can't get to the internet and then all of a sudden it was Christmas. And then a road trip back. And then you can hear about the mud and the relief of well behaved dogs except for maybe perhaps one that jumped on the counter and ate a ham sandwich. Otterpop. And I think the pirates are back and someone needs to guard the roast and have a good Christmas!

Christmas road trip day 1, a great day if great is sitting in a car jammed in a plastic box.

Dogs can be smart about the way they travel, or completely dumb. Ruby and Otterpop, super rocket scientists of travel. They get in their blue plastic crate in the back of the car, surrounded by Christmas gifts that they may have slobbered on during the wrapping of, and go to sleep. They have special dog ESP which does alert them to places that are nice places for dogs on the way to LA.

Not all dogs so smart about traveling. Gustavo, with his own private crate, newly renovated with a squishy blanket and taller roof, complains the whole way. Only does this when Gary is in the car. Sticks his nose out the metal cage door, hangs his upper lip over the wire mesh, and rolls his eyes back with his little guilty stink eye. Doesn't roll up and go to sleep, waiting for an ESP alert a beach or muddy field coming up. Stares whole way. Whines sometimes, until I out rocket scientisted everyone and thought to bring the most dreaded thing of all things in the car. Squirter bottle. One look from squirter bottle and there is no whining, just lip hanging and little white rolling eye pleading to make the car trip over. Or at least allow him to run free in the car dashing fore and aft and up and down while car rolling down the 101. As if.

But we try to make it enjoyable. First nice place for dogs, the McDonald's in Paso Robles. It's a faux diner-style McDonald's, bright white tile and a giant yellow arch. Bestedly, has an indoor bathroom for humans and is conveniently located next to a big muddy truck parking lot which is a nice place for dogs to run around for a few minutes. Look at giant semi truck cabs with sleeping guys in them. Good things dogs are good dogs. Because I lost my voice completely a couple days ago, and only way I can communicate with them is through a series of whistles and arm waving. Wave arms like this, good dogs. Wave arms like that, bad dogs. I know, you couldn't even tell because my TYPING IS EXACTLY THE SAME! Voice or no voice. Smart dogs climb right back in their boxes and go to sleep until next ESP alert.

Which is freakedly weird, how dogs can just KNOW that a freeway turn off is going to lead to a beach-Hendry's beach in Santa Barbara. We love Santa Barbara. If you took Santa Cruz and made it fancier and richer and more republican and made matching Patagnonia outfits mandatory uniforms and added 50% more palm trees, it would be Santa Barbara. And more warm. On a freezing cold day there, everyone still in flip flops and shorts. Hendry's is Santa Barbara's more improved equivalent of Lighthouse Field. They both have special names-Lighthouse Field Beach, real name Its. Hendry's, real name Arroyo Burro. Lighthouse Field has 33 acre field with rangers and dead trees, Hendry's has 77 acres of the bluffs above it, no rangers and dogs can run around in that mud and dead trees. Nice long beach, nice place for dogs when they're on a road trip. Same dead birds laying around, same sticks available, same assortment of big dogs chasing tennis balls. Smile and wave at well dressed dog walkers. Who ask me questions about my dogs and are answered with weird sign language and back away slowly.

Big difference of Hendry's vs. Its, nice sign at bottom of beach saying dogs off leash, go this way, on leash, other way. It is legal to run your dogs around here. Thanks Santa Barbara. I bet even Oprah comes down here. Or at least her dogs. The nice ones.

Ruby and Otterpop, sleep thru the new idea I had. Christmas music marathon. How much Christmas music can my friend Ipod hold and how far does it last driving to LA? Answer, probably all the way to Mexico except around Ventura I have total Christmas music meltdown and yank ipod from it's plug. Not my friend anymore. Will never, ever listen to another Christmas song again. Gustavo, magically quiet. Gary, so happy. Not sure what happened. Was the Kinks, singing about beating up Father Christmas, then all of a sudden some kind of Nutcrackery Peanuts Snoopy piano song and something snapped. Everybody nice and silent as we follow the non holiday, yet still festive in a rush hour kind of way, procession of lights through the Valley and down to the 405.

Classy holiday gift wrapping-a primer.

Martha once told me, beautiful gift wrapping sends a message of thoughtfulness that is as important as the gift itself. Especially if it's a gift from Oprah.


So, say you can't find the scissors, do not use a butter spreader to cut the paper you bought from the super discount bin a few years back. Use something sharper. Maybe a sheetrock screw.


Carefully take out any wrinkles on reused paper that you saved by carefully unwrapping a candle or something and just sort of cover the tapey bits with some more tapey bits. Sometimes the tapey bits show through. But possibly you can find a plastic butterfly and just cram it over the tapey bits and maybe jam in a sheetrock screw to hold it there.


And if you are a parent of a small child that may be receiving stuffed animals from me this year, you won't care if there are a few teeth marks on it, right? Really. Just a couple. Maybe only one tooth mark. Very small toothmark. Teensy, tiny, shrimy little toothmark. No slobber. Still clean. Really! And it's not really a stuffed animal. It's a froggy backpack! How cute is that? Dogs CANNOT have one. Little backpack straps and you shove stuff in through it's froggy throat! Take that dogs. You get some dog food. No froggy backpacks for you. Fangs be gone!

It is the season of the picky.

What's the team pulling?

Well, you mighta find out iffen yer on my Xmas card list. If you aren't, email me privately your postal address and get yer own official Team Small Dog card of Xmas, with a theme of Nice-ness this year. In the interest of Good Customer Service!

I keep thinking it might be time to get into some holiday spirit. We don't have room in our tiny house for a tree of Xmas. We did have a moment of Hanukah one night. I have some Xmas decorations in the garage, and some holiday lights. But it's that whole thing of, then first I'd have to clean the house. And I still need to plaster the office and finish the roof painting (hey square dancing roofer, you still have the gutters to FINISH!!!).

Tony across the street waits for me to do my lights then he does his because we have the Christmas light challenge! Although neither me nor Tony's lights are really all that impressive but it gets both of us putting up our lights. But I need to go out and have a chat with Tony re. global warming and what we should do about that this year? And then if I actually put up the Xmas decorations (my favorite is the sparkle pine cone with 4th of july flags and tiny little presents from an estate sale in a weird 70's house in Bernal Heights!) then there would have to be the Xmas shopping.

Which would involve selecting a gift for a husband who is a very, very, very picky person. The category of hobby, forgetta bout it. He has many bikes, of which he is very picky about each and every thing that involves bikes or bike outfit or bike accessory. The category of clothing or house, we have no more room in our house for an article of clothing or a house thing. Well, ok, unless it is a thing for Collections, of which we have deer, taxidermy, horse, forest animal, antler, small black dog, old guns made of wood, paint by number of any of the above or weird old paintings by insane people or mad aunties of any of the above, or pottery that holds plants in the shape of animals, or generic historical item that does not exactly fit any of the above. Then we have room for it. Do you see how easy it is to Xmas shop for ME, versus a picky, picky husband?

Usually he likes the gift of art. But this year I did not have time to make him a personal art. So any and all gift ideas for a picky, picky, husband are hugely appreciated. He doesn't read my blog. It scares him. So you can comment them to me since you all seem to be very, very quiet lately of the comments.