In this episode, we'll do our best to fix a broken cat.

This is my cat. Her name is Princess. Maybe you think I named her. Maybe you would be wrong.


She's supposed to be an employee of a pet. Keeping the gopher population down. Not sure if she is a star employee or not, but she's a good cat. Lives outside on a dog crate. Got her from the feral cat population out at the dump when she was a kitten. Can't really remember how old she is. We usually just call her kitty and stick some food in a bowl for her every day. Your cat probably has a nicer life. I figure, it could be worse.


This is kind of her lot in life at my house. Get stared at a lot.


She holds her own all right. Unless she gets ganged up on. One on one, she can handle any of Team Small Dog just fine.


Sometimes fights. There's a lot of cats in the neighborhood. Pistachio from next door is of the Siamese variety and especially pesky. You know how cats like to hold their territory. So this latest round of puncture wounds, I think I'll blame on Pistachio. Gary brought home Kevlar gloves from work, which also happens to be the dump, so we could do some cat doctor magic on her. You know me. Junior vet with just enough knowledge to be dangerous to everyone involved. Repeat after me. Small animals ain't no horses. I brought home clippers too so we could see just what we were working with. Because you know cat fights and abscesses.


Wanted to clean them up and stick some stuff on them. I am too seeking prompt medical attention. Seeking it out in my own backyard. Not always easy to work on cats though.


Also would help if actually read the label of the stuff I selected out of the medicine cabinet. It's a tube from the drugstore. How many of those in there? Also because I kind of need glasses now but I forget I do and also forget where I put them the last time I remembered I need glasses.


So never seen this tube of stuff before but it lives in my medicine cabinet and just spread that stuff all over the cat bite wounds. Should take care of it, right? Later that night, Gary comes home. See's that tube out on the counter. "Um," he says, "this isn't the stuff you put on the cat, right?"


Uh, because that doesn't say Triple Anitbiotic Cream. It says someone in this house that isn't me may have a fungus somewhere common in the podiatry zone of atheletes and that's what I tried to cure the holes all over my poor cat with. Haven't really seen the cat since.

Let's just wrap up the whole holiday thing right now.

So I looked it up, and last year I said for Christmas and for my New Years Motto (not sure why I need a motto and can't have a resolution like everyone else. I am so damn difficult) it was going to be to Get My Head Out of My Ass. I think I was pretty successful with that! I think it really meant Stop Being So Obsessed Beyond Nothing Else to Buy a Ranch. So I did stop obsessing, we didn't buy one, but that had more to do with dire financial realities than actually always following a motto. So here comes another year. We still are in our house. And we might still be here next year. And I am going to continue to keep my head up here in the sun where it belongs. Whenever possible.

So I think this year's motto is going to be Is That Good Customer Service? It is a motto question. That I will try to ask myself before I open my mouth. Are dogs customers? Then before I decide not to train them or to let them run amuck into a homeless camp or throw a rock at them when they are rolling in carcass, I am ask myself my motto. And I will just think of people in general as customers, and then...

OK. I kid you not. Just while I was writing this, there were cat fight sounds outside. So I ignore them because that's what cats do. They kill rats and fight eachother. Good for nothing cats. Finally the dogs are driving me crazy because they want to join the cat fight. So finally I go out there, and there is a nice lady out there. Maybe in church clothes. I walk outside and yell at the cats, "Knock it Off CATS!"

She is out there, looking into our yard, and says, "Oh, is that your cat? It scared me."

I look at her. I am thinking, damn lady in your ugly jacket, why are you afraid of some cats? I am pretty sure that I give her a look while I think this and I pick up a rock and throw it in the general direction of where I hear but don't see cats and yell "KNOCK it OFF!" and I look at her and go "damn cats. there's like 50 cats here and they have to just OWN their spot and fight it out."

She goes, "is your kitty ok? i was so scared."

OK. This was like cat posturing growl sounds. There were no blood and guts and gore noises here. Just some cats growling and making the dogs inside bark. I'm thinking lady, get back in church. The cats are ok. I tell her, "that's what cats do. cat's just fight is all. it's the CAT WAY!" and then I see Peppers run off and I yell at him to run home evil fat old Peppers. I feel compelled to say something like, "See lady, there are like 50 cats around here and each one has to be king of it's yard and they attack eachother all the time and it's just what cats do." Sheriff Ed Tom Bell in pajamas. And then she wished me a happy new years and I said and you too and I went in.

OK. So this wasn't neccessarily BAD customer service. And I woke up really late and haven't finished the coffee. But I think in a better customer service world I am nicer to this lady (is this sort of sounding like what would our precious baby jesus do?) and don't throw rocks at cats or at least don't do it in front of ladies who are scared of your cat (??) and don't wonder things like why the hell are you afraid of cats lady, just be a nice neighbor and fix the cat issue and show the neighbor the cats are all ok and you tell HER to have a happy new years. Sheriff Ed Tom Bell in a cheerful and sunny way.

See, I'm trying here. Maybe I'll watch the Secret DVD again. I think cleaning the house and finishing plastering the office can qualify as customer service. I'm throwing out the See's candy, I'll drive around happy with my new thing in my car that you plug the ipod into, my head is out of my ass, and let's just dive back into the world that isn't holidays right now.