I've got some good news and some bad news.

Hello and welcome back from Turlock, February USDAA.


Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?


It was that kind of day.


The good news is, look at this birdhouse I bought from an old lady selling them in front of her house on one of the highways in Turlock. It's the stable. Her disabled husband who ignores you through their front picture window builds them. There are apartments for 4 birds on the other side. I love my new birdhouse.

The bad news was, a huge rain storm came in Saturday evening and I almost just bagged the whole dog show and just didn't go. Had no inkling to drive to Turlock in the rain at night and hang out in the rain all day.

The good news is, I saved a Motel 6 bill and had less of a glamorous evening than previously planned. I watched some episodes of Big Love, slept in my own bed, and drove out to the dog show at 4:30 in the morning instead. And I took a new way to get there which was faster, more scenic, and easier roads to drive.

The good news is, Otterpop finally got that elusive Advanced Gamblers Q that she's been trying to get for, um, a really long time. Because she's been in Masters for a while. In everything except Gamblers.

The bad news was, she was still paranoid about judges near her and did that whole looking over her shoulder for machetes whilst running over contact equipment with judges nearby. They just want to see you step in the yellow Otterpop. That's it. But she thinks the first time she looks away from there and just where she's going, out comes machete.

The good news was, her teeters were exempt from machete watching and the paranoia did not result in any barking attacks.

The bad news was, she ran kinda pokey in Jumpers and this made me so sad.

The good news was, she was pretty fast in Standard but had a refusal and got a 2nd in her Grand Prix with a decent but not outstanding time. She was super fast once past the dog walk and a-frame where the judge was closely watching the contacts.

The good news is, Ruby seems perky and happy to play let's attack all the couch pillows with 3 sets of small dog teeth now that we are home.

The bad news was, she had a terrible Standard and I pulled her out of Grand Prix after half a course, and the rest of the day she walked like she was 100 years old and wouldn't jump in or out of the car. I scratched all the rest of her classes and still have NO idea what is wrong with her. If it's in her mind, if she's actually sore somewhere, or it's both. And just now, she wouldn't jump out of a chair to get a treat with everyone else.

The good news is, Hobbes had a beautiful Standard run with a stunning table.

The bad news was, he knocked a bar in it and didn't get the LAST Q for his LAA Platinum, the highest thing you can get in USDAA agility. So we didn't get to drink the champagne I brought for just in case.

The good news is, I tried to see if I could just haul ass with him as fast as I could in the Steeplechase finals and not get him to knock any bars. And I am having a momosa right now.

The bad news was, he hit a bar in Steeplechase (and I just blew him by his a-frame contact) and bars with Rob in other stuff and he is sore and that is probably why he is knocking all these bars. Maybe. So he got scratched from all the rest of his runs.

The good news is, Mary and Michelle from our dirt night classes ran in their first USDAA trial and did smashing. I saw with my own bloodshot eyes. And Mary was even wearing her Team Small Dog Shirt! And it did not rain and was actually a lovely day. And it was a nice crowd and all my dog agility friends were there and no one was in a mean mood. And Gustavo got to play a lot and was perfectly happy to sit in the car. I met Ellen who has the Taj Mutthall Agility Blog. (our blogs are of a very different nature, we agreed.) There. That's a lot of good news. Even though, all in all, it was a little bit of a crappy day dog wise, I am being very glass half full. Gonna fill it up again right now with momosa. Will bring a fresh bottle to Madera for just in case.

If it's raining, it must be USDAA.

Gonna try the deluxe dog show method for Sunday and fork out that $45 to stay in luxury digs tonight. Motel 6 baby. Sometimes, ya gotta live large. It's a splurge, instead of my usual power drive out there, but we're going to Turlock and that drive makes me cranky.

I know. The glamour of it all is killing you. It always does. Right? Loading 12 muddy paws into the car, driving through cow country for a couple hours, sleeping in a motel where I am afraid to take off my socks and actually touch the floor with bare skin, then getting up early and doing the whole dog show thing in what is potentially unpleasant weather without a covered arena. Like as in, wet and cold weather that makes your skin hurt and everything feel clammy. Outside, on wet grass, next to a highway and industrial strength train tracks. Like if we're really lucky, pouring rain with winds every time a dog is supposed to go run around the course. Slipper contacts! Jumps blowing down! Scratching the dog.

I had to check on google. Does Barack Obama have a dog? Not yet. But he has promised his kids that they'll get one if he makes it into the White House. I am pretty sure it's not going to be a lab. The Clinton's maybe have labs still. But Hilary just doesn't ever do photo ops with the dogs. She is in the Clean Run demographic, but I'm just not feeling the dog agility from her. Or dogs in general. Any potential from the Obama kids? Like would they get a border collie and let it go after the frisbee on the White House lawn? They could name it Huckabee. Or Mitt. Or just stick with the basics. Cocker spaniel. Shepherd mix. Maltese?

Oh sorry. Weird segue way? I know. Nothing to do with Turlock. But we have to vote next week and things to ponder whilst driving through those cow fields this weekend.

In this episode, we visit Turlock, CA.

How do I describe Turlock? What is it about these places and dog agility?

To drive there, you go through long country roads and towns called Gustine and Hilmar. Have you ever heard of them? I didn't think so. I got there Sunday morning in the nick of time to walk the first course. Due to the valley tule fog, which covers the country highways/streets through tiny towns with lots of churches and donut shops and trailers like a big, morbid weight pressing in from all directions.

Fencing is made of twine and cats and sheep and tires and rust out there. It's like another country, once you cross over I-5. Sorry if you live in Turlock! I am sure you can afford a ranch there and can have the last laugh at my ranchless, stone throwing self. The dog agility field is spacious and sits nearly on top of train tracks one direction, a freeway in another.

Hello and kudos to Otterpop for Qing on a run next to a freeway with those 18 wheelers blowing down the line that you KNOW she had glimpses of in her mind of chasing down Highway 99 and running away forever but instead just sticking to the dog agility.

And Hello and Kudos to Ruby for not hearing Heidi voices in the train sounds and carrying on like a pro. Albeit, not sending out to the weave poles that were like 50 feet away or something like that in her gamble. But still. A fine job Ruby!

And kudos to Hobbes for doing the mystery weird upsetting table however also knocking a bar down thus not gaining that LAST Q for his LAA Platinum award, the highest thing you can ever GET in agility and it is up to me to get him that last Q! It was also my job to WIN Steeplechase finals with him and we came in 5th. I was devastated. Rob said, "Well, I could have come in FIFTH with him!" Oops. We tried. It was a great run. The time was like 30.63. 4th place was 30.54. 3rd place was 30.39. And so on. I probably won Rob $12 or so. Enough for a pie or a nice sack of fruit!

The dogs were all just fine. Some runs with Q's, some awesome runs but with a barn down. Otterpop did have a weird paranoia attack late in the day in her Grand Prix and ran sort of crappy. Not terrible, but I mean really. How many dogs look over the shoulder every 3 steps to see if the judge is about to kill them with a giant machete? It just isn't fun to run her when she starts listening to whatever demon that is. Goddamn Heidi, is that YOU? Her paranoia is more like a quickly voted off America's Topmodel girl in a slasher film and the machete/chainsaw/fingernails of sharpness guy is chasing her through the woods in her bathing suit and there is just a slim chance of survival. Where do you come up with these things Otterpop?

Gustavo just perservered and was super behaved and did his ambassadorship duties of making everyone his friend and bringing to light the existence of team small dog. Fine job Gustavo! No screaming or carrying on or running away. Although just in writing this I have rescued 5 contraband items from his chewing teeth. And he did complain somewhat on the drive home. Perhaps the quick stop at Old Navy (the only plus of the drive) just put him over the edge. I can't resist cheap cashmere made by tiny slave children with bleeding fingers. I just can't. It is wrong and I know it and I can't resist it.

Also, here is a Big Love quiz but somehow I ended up LOIS. Take it and see which polygamist you are.


Self portrait as a Lois driving home from Turlock where you know there are a lot of real Lois's. I guess? Maybe they don't practice polygamy. But there are compounds. I did answer one question saying I like to shoot Dr. Pepper bottles off my front porch. Which is a bald face lie. I would never drink Dr. Pepper.