Behind the scenes in the world of dog photography.

Have you ever seen a dog who is afraid of cameras? I mean, not like looks down or away or blinks but is HORRIFIED by cameras. Black Beauty apparently believes cameras rip out your heart by yanking it up through your throat by the giant scythe that pops out of the lens to eviscerate you. Camera equals See Ya I'm Outta Here for Fear of Certain Death.


As soon as I pull any camera out, she looks HORRIFIED and jumps ship. Even if she's asleep and my camera does not make a sound. She KNOWS. Runs away. Like RUNS away. Tried at the beach. Horrified, tried to run away up a cliff. 6 wet, slobbery big dogs attacking tennis balls don't phase her, but a tiny little snapshot camera comes out of pocket, off she goes. Hey, the dogs are all being cute, sleeping together on the couch. Get a photo? HELL No. Not of Black Beauty. Want to meet a sheep Black Beauty? Yeah but DON'T TAKE MY PICTURE.


Sorry Black Beauty. No more pictures. From now on, I will just draw you. I will try. You look like Ruby but just so tiny. And such sad little eyes.


Uh, is Black Beauty our dog? I don't know. Gary says she isn't. Every day, he asks if she has a home. Although he asks this while picking her up and playing with her, tosses her a little chunk of pollo. Throws out the little idea of, "Don't you want a nice border collie JUST LIKE HOBBES? We can't have 5 dogs. Black Beauty needs to go." Yeah, the border collie comes when we have our ranch that the current financial crisis makes look like is never. A border collie in this house? Oh my god. Just come visit my house you guys. You would get it.


I still ask people if they want her. But it's pretty half heartedly. I size them up carefully, judging their books by their cover. Don't look right for Black Beauty. Chihuahua rescue had a lady willing to fly from Greece to adopt a chihuahua from the Bay Area. Duh, guys, she doesn't speak Greece-she speaks Spanish! Nope.


She's very, very sweet. She wags her tail faster and harder than any of the other dogs. Little wiggle worm of joy over the littlest things. She is simple and happy. A gentle little soul. She doesn't need a frisbee or 9 million tricks to keep her busy, she has zero training. I'm teaching her sit right now and to come when you say her name. In Spanish and English. Actually compared to SOME dogs in our household, very operant learner. No naming names, if your name happens to be Gustavo. Remember how long it took AHEM No Naming Names to learn to sit?


She just wants to go with you wherever you go and be a good dog and wag her tail a lot and squiggle around in ecstasy if you pet her. And sit in your lap or snuggle up with the other dogs. You just pick her up and stick her in the car. Tub. Crate. Kiss a sheep. Whatever you want. Easy peasiest dog I've ever seen.


Team Small Dog, they kind of don't know what to do with her. She doesn't really know how to play and they just let her tag along with whatever fiasco they are currently causing. Like a completely ignored kid sister de unos pachucos de Maravilla along for grand theft auto, happy to ride in the back seat and listen to the radio. I took her over to an agility friend's house for dinner and she hung out, so easy. Deb made tacos! Won over Black Beauty's heart forever. No howling. No stealing other dogs' toys. No running through the house with air strikes off tall furniture. None of the complete mayhem that would have been caused by bringing my Real Dogs over. Brought the sidekick dog and turns out she is a well behaved bring to dinner party dog.

I kind of suck at dog rescue. Ruby was Dog Rescue. Otterpop was Dog Rescue. Gustavo rescued from someone else's Dog Rescue. You are supposed to get them a NEW home with dog rescue. The bigger dog that came with Beauty? Yep, found her a super home with a nice family from the barn. I just threw a TON of money at vet bills trying to save my old horse. Last thing I need, new set of vet bills. She's not an agility prospect. My next dog was supposed to be a giant border collie JUST LIKE HOBBES. But. I. Don't. Think. I. Can. Give. Away. Black. Beauty.

Gustavo's First Agility Lesson

So Gustavo had his very first Official Agility Lesson yesterday. Up until now, I've been just training him all on my lonesome. Snuck him into some runs during Dirt Nite the other night, run him around at Dee's, but this week I asked Jim to give us his first Genuine Dog Lesson. He's practicing at Master's Level, just starting to trial, time to get official. People are always telling me I need professional help. This is what you mean, right People?


So everyone got to do some lesson. Otterpop and Ruby, they can always practice something. Gustavo though, time to show Jim what we can do. Jim had us start out a jump drill with a nice long leadout.

"Uh. Jim? He doesn't really stay? You know how I always run with my dogs? I sorta just thought we'd start like that? Like, Always?"

Jim nipped that fantasy in the bud.

I'm like, "But the papillon people, they always run with them...right? Look, like this." I demonstrate my papillon people startline. Off Gustavo goes 100 miles ahead of me, down a row of jumps and into a tunnel. Jim is sitting there, just sort of staring at me.


Gustavo is really fast. Sometimes running with him and him getting out ahead makes him run like a teensy drunken sailor. No matter how fast I run. Oh, like how sometimes I shouldn't startline run with Ruby and I do and there is a near crash which frequently precedes a dropped bar and the beginning of a crazy, disaster attack the jumps run?

Advice from Jim, "Work on his startline stays. You're gonna need them."


Then we worked on rear crosses and serpentines. Neither was as crappy as I thought, in fact his rear crosses were way better than I thought they'd be. I need to work more on driving faster and straighter and stepping behind him earlier. And he showed me a good drill to teach a clearer understanding of that serpentine arm The Power Paws Way.

When Jim shows me a basic drill and starts talking about the Power Paws Way, that's when I know sometimes my teaching method of It's a Fast Running Party has a few holes in it. We'll practice standing way closer to the jump. For real. We want a bombproof serpentine dog that ALWAYS knows where to go.


So did a bunch of jumping drills, then ran some courses that had all the contacts in them. Ruby dazzled Jim with her newly consistent and fast running dogwalk contact. Otterpop, dazzled. Right Jim? You were DAZZLED? Well, anyways, they did just fine. Jim is used to them. Time to show Jim Gustavo's contacts on the course. Good turns! Fantastic dogwalk! Fantastic teeter! Then on to the a-frame. My super trained running a-frame. That we worked so hard and methodically on and has seemed like a no brainer.

Until now. Fly off. Fly off. Fly off.

Maybe some trace of toes touching yellow. A tiny trace of tiny toes.


Jim has me keep doing them. Counting his strides. Boy he is close. I am running way ahead, sometimes closer. Left side. Right side. Faster. Slower.

"Jim I am like freaking out here! His a-frame was stunning until just now!"


Jim is like, "Yeah. Right." No, he was sympathetic. He understands the running a-frame drama. We did about a million a-frames. Uh, we have a little backtracking of work to do on these. I think he was hitting the a-frame harder and faster in his lesson than I usually have him do in practice and thus the little mess. This is a new priority of dog training. Work on the a-frame.


We didn't demonstrate the poles. Even though HELLO FOR THE LAST WEEK WE HAVE HAD SUPER FAST STRAIGHT AND WIRE-FREE POLES in the driveway, I didn't feel ready to try this in his lesson. We are in the middle of the Take the Poles on the Road Show. Which is going well. I think we almost have ready for prime time poles. Also, poor Gustavo at this point is hiding from me under the teeter in the shade. This is more agility than he has ever done in his life, the last hour and a half.


Best advice. As always. Practice hard. Run fast. Train like you want him to always be. Thanks Jim!

The election is freaking me out.

Tonight I raced home from work early to watch the debates.

If by watching, you mean drawing the guys with pens while also screaming at dogs who haven't been walked or run in like a week and who have developed tactics last seen in the WWF. Such as for example, Gustavo climbs to the top of the couch, carefully eyeing Black Beauty and Otterpop sitting quietly next to me. If by sitting quietly actually you just mean just little Black Beauty and Otterpop is chewing on a piece of rope and howling. And then WWF Gustavo, who clearly has the possessed look of demon, launches himself off the top of the couch at full speed, landing squarely on top of Otterpop. With a splat. Black Beauty sort of getting used to stuff like this and just continues to sit there. Insane dog running and toy attacking continues, and air strikes start again.

And someone is talking about Al Qaeda and torture and taxes although I can't really hear due to full blown howling ensuing.


I would say John McCain did not sound like a complete idiot, unlike his VP who all of you I'm sure saw the video of this morning on the internet talking about her next door neighbor Russia who is super naughty and she wants to spank it and that equals, like, Foreign Policy. I think Barack sounded way smarter though and just comes off less old and war mongery.

Although also, like I said. A lot of howling going on. But guys, McCain is old and creepy and looks like a mushroom. We are in a SUPER big heap of trouble if he wins and then a SUPER extra big heap of trouble if he wins and dies and the lady who used to live next door to Russia wins. Even though she's watching Russia. Like, come on. Team Small Dog has to go quite partisan here now for a while because really, it's just been a bad week. And a bad month. And a bad season. And really. We just don't want it to keep getting worse.

RIP Beloved Jane

Our Beloved Jane 1982-9/24/08


I can't remember how old Jane was. I think 26. So many kids (and adults) in Santa Cruz learned to ride and care for horses with Jane.


She retired from her show career over 10 years ago, but every so often we let her go and pick up a few ribbons somewhere local. It's hard to believe she was once an elegant 3'6" hunter.


Her later years, you could park her out in an arena with a 5 year old on her back, never worry.


Or stick a couple 5 year olds up there. Send 'em on a walk around the property. We called her the Nanny.


I think Pixel was like 1 year old there. Couldn't talk yet, but could sit on Jane.


Can't find the words to tell you how much I'm going to miss her. I know she's somewhere better now, where she can walk and run and sit out in the pasture in the sun as long as she wants. Munching on grass. Kicking the wall. Laying her ears back and making the crabby face. Guys, Jane ran the show around our place. Kind of like a non benevolent cruise director. She had enough tricks in her book to make sure we did things the way she wanted.


Don't kick Timmy when you see him. He used to like to stand there and bark at you sometimes. He was never a great ranch dog. What a loss it is to lose a horse. Different than dogs, magestic animals, even in their old age. Thanks for so many years, my old friend.

A friend sent me this, and I emailed it out to all my friends and customers in a very sad email about Jane:

Wait. Don't read it yet. Go get a kleenex.

No. I'm serious. Go get one.

Don’t cry for the horses

Don’t cry for the horses that life has set free.
A million black horses forever to be.
Don’t cry for the horses now in God’s hand.
As they dance and they prance in a heavenly band.

They were ours as a gift, but never to keep.
As they close their eyes forever to sleep.

Their spirits unbound. On silver wings they fly.
A million black horses against the blue sky.

Look up into heaven, you’ll see them above.
The horses we lost, the horses we loved.
Manes and tails flowing, they gallop through time.
They were never yours, they were never mine.

Don’t cry for the horses. They’ll be back someday.
When our time is gone, they will show us the way.
Do you hear that soft nicker? Close to your ear?
Don’t cry for the horses. Love the ones that are here.

Weave Pole Wednesday

We're still trying.

A wire here, a wire there. A wire off, a wire on. MOST of the time we have poles, and then, as you shall see, sometimes, we just don't. You are welcome internet, for learning from my mistakes. Like hmmm. Wonder why he can do them towards the tunnel but not the other way. Who was too lazy to drag the tunnel down to the other end of the field to test?

I will say this. They are worse when I'm videoing. They are getting WAY better, but still not ready for primetime. Good thing this is cable. The internet. The blogosphere. Whatever. I predict in 2 weeks, we have weave poles. Because we're going to start taking them on the road this weekend.

Also. I make sheep noises for some reason when he's on the dogwalk. If you can suffer through that far. Sheep noises?



Hey, what's this note from Youtube on the video I worked so hard on last nite-"A copyright owner has claimed it owns some or all of the audio content in your video Gustavo. Straight poles, sometimes crappy.. The audio content identified in your video is Love Machine by The Miracles. We regret to inform you that your video has been blocked from playback due to a music rights issue."

Smokey Robinson, you are blocking my video!

Has Youtube ever done this to you? Didn't block any of my OTHER videos I put soundtracks on but this one is blocked, rejectable, unplayable because the song is busted. Uh, Smokey really cares his song is on a dog agility weave pole video? Smokey, are you out there? Why me? EVERYONE on Youtube uses copyrighted soundtrack material. I am weeping the tears of a clown right now.

Dunno.
So choice they gave, republish with sound muted or keep it off Youtube. So it's on and muted now, I guess. Booo-Ring. This is not how I needed to start this day, Smokey Robinson and Youtube.

Team Small Dog Courtroom Drama-Episode Four

All right. Didn't know on Arraignment Day, when I woke up, things were going to be a little more dramatic than I hoped for a courtroom drama. I am the namer of this event, and drama we say, is drama we get. Maybe not in such a good way. Day stared out with a crippled horse that maybe needs euthanization first thing. My old, beloved grandma horse Jane. Can't walk. Gotten nothing but worse over the last few days. Usually I spare you guys the professional drama in my life, but this is just sad. Not a good morning. This is saddest part of whole story. Weep now. Get it done with. Back to court.

So long story short yet still long, we give the poor sweet mare a few more days, and I jump in the car to make it back to Santa Cruz because you can't be late for court. Dogs are all exhausted and not irritating, ie, asleep in car crates, because they all had a hard run on the beach early in the morning. Even Black Beauty. Now a beach running chihuahua. Not Lighthouse Field State Beach, causer of my whole new hobby of Court. The other ranger-free, no ticket one. So you know how long usually takes to get back to town from the ranch, usually 40 minutes, maybe 45. How about when a big rig rolls over on the freeway and starts burning up and causes the freeway to get shut down? In that case maybe 3 hours. Uh. Arraignment at 1:30, leaving horse with vet at noon, and we are sitting in a parking lot.

So time to mobilize the Team Small Dog Courtroom Dream Team! First of all Gary on alert with all court paperwork and all important green organizer of my life, ready to meet me at court. And transfer dogs back to house so dogs don't have to sit in court parking lot in the sun. And Project Manager Bev finds the wreck on the internet and keeps me posted about the traffic jam. She keeps telling me to twitter my blackberry. Huh? I don't even have bluetooth here anymore. Just phone. Twitter the what? So I call the court with my old fashioned communicator named broken cel phone. And Court actually answers the phone for the very first time!

Hi Court! I am stuck in Traffic!

Can I tell you guys, I am not a late person? I am an EARLY person. NEVER, EVER, EVER LATE. This is just killing me. Try the bananarama of the yoga breathing. What can you do when Highway 1 shuts down?

Court says maybe they can put a note on the docket. Laura Hartwick is stuck in traffic. I'm not sure if Court, which sounds like a nice lady, is being facetious or for real. I am like, "It's not just regular traffic. It's stopped. Highway 1 is shut. Cerrado. Not moving. Parking lot."

Court says, "Which highway?"

"Uh, Oooonnne." It's our only highway in Santa Cruz. If you are at one end of Santa Cruz County, there's one way across. I live on one far end of the county, and work on the other. Highway One. When it shuts down, everything shuts down.

Court is like, "So, what do you want to do?"

I'm like, "Whatever is least disrespectful to court. You tell me." I am trying to be a good citizen here. And not in contempt of court. There's a min-pin sticking out of the big rig window next to me. The driver points to stuff and it barks. My dogs are sleeping in the back, not realizing the STRESSFULNESS of this situation. Min pin in the big rig over there, he realizes. Stressfull, Little Min Pin! Bark for me! Can I fiddle with ipod while I am illegally non bluetooth on celphone with court? Should I be listening to Bruce Springsteen here?

Court said it was a good thing I called and let them know, they'll try to put a note in there and put me in for a new arraignment time but I should try to come down there. I am sort of suspicious of this promise somehow, and keep rolling along. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Stop. Stop. Stop. Go. Finally roll past a giant burned up husk of the big rig and the freeway all ripped up to shreds there and then it's off to court! It's about a quarter past 2 now. 45 minutes late. Like what would Judge Judy do to late people? Probably rip 'em a new one is what I'm thinking. And throw the book at 'em.

So meet Gary at court, get my paperwork he found for me, and switch cars so dogs can not have to sit at court and down I go to the basement courtroom. Didn't have time to plan an outfit, am still wearing really nasty old raggy pants and sneakers from running out of house early to get the dogs run and manage the horse situation. Not thinking, this would be a completely appropriate and fashion forward outfit to wear to court. Mostly thinking, these are pants and let me try to put them on really fast. Am wearing a shirt that has much visible tattoo showage. Is appropriate to show much tattoo at court? What a pickle I am in here.

Turns out it's ok, because everyone else having their arraignment today is seriously underdressed as well. Serious fashion crime in Court. There are a lot of us, and I sneak in there and everyone turns around to stare at me. Old people, young people. Skaters, homeless types, well dressed, crappy dressed, bunch of ethnicities, hawaiian shirts, tie dye, frumpy, impeccably pressed khakis, if you can imagine it, they were wearing it to court. Slip in next to a pregnant lady in sweats, hoping I haven't had my name called yet. Judge calls up some names ending in B, and I think we are alphabetical and I am a-ok.

Actual, genuine courtroom sketch from courtroom

What are some of the other underdressed citizens in there for? Failure to appropriately ride a skateboard. Sitting on a planter while chalk art was being drawn on the sidewalk that was not grafitti. A homeless guy for camping. Bike violation. Some kind of insurance fiasco and they towed the car. I am in here with some serious criminals. There's a huge bailiff over in the corner, HUGE I tell you, arms the size of massive wheels of cheddar cheese. Stubbly head from shaving it. His job is sit there and lean back in his chair and yawn sometimes. Some ladies are typing fast on the other side of the judge. There's a flag. Kind of like Judge Judy's set, but no wood paneling. Sheetrock and formica and a worn, '70's looking judge zone.


Pretty quick, it's my turn. Your Honor calls my name, off I go up to the bench. Judge Kim Baskett looks like a reasonable, nice lady. Like could be a mom of kids that ride with me. Good hair. Good glasses. That Sarah Palin lady in charge look but in a black robe. She explains stuff really, really well. Because some of the other people in line maybe didn't do their research and homework. Just saying, some of you other criminals. Might help. I get the feeling, after listening to arraignments for half an hour, that this judge has heard it all.

She says, "You are here for not having your dog on a leash at Lighthouse Field, according to the State. How do you plea?"

I am so happy I've rehearsed this. "I am Not Guilty, your honor." I look her in the eyes. I am thinking earnest and good citizen thoughts here.

"You are entitled to a court date. Do any of those times in November work for you?" She had just run through a bunch of court dates to a guy in really dirty, wrinkled clothes about illegal bike riding. He was having a hard time picking a good date. It took a while.


"I would like to come in on November 18, your honor." That was the soonest date she had offered. I think that still gives me plenty of time to work on my case. I got the ticket in July. I wrote it in my green organizer that runs my entire life.

She said, "Have you finished writing that down?" Just as I finished writing it down. She runs a tight court.

"Yes, your honor." She kind of talks to everyone in here like 4 year olds. Like is SUPER CLEAR. I am thinking maybe next she asks me to put my pen down when I'm done. Instead, she has me approach the bench and gives me a slip of paper with some more instructions, and thanks me for coming in. I thank her back. And that was it. Outta there. Arraignment took like 30 seconds.


So here you go, my friends. Tuesday, November 18, 1:30pm. Santa Cruz County Building, Traffic and Minor Violations courtroom in the basement. See you there? Lighthouse Field people, talking to you here. You wanna come? Represent? Tell your friends? See what happens when a dog lovin' visual generalist horse trainer defends herself because she used to watch LA Law and will try to channel Laurie Partridge? SURE to be a fiasco, right? See you in Court.

In this episode, Gustavo goes to his very first dog show.

And kicks ass. OK. I was so nervous to run him. Only in Starters Jumpers. Keeping him out of rings with weave poles til those things are DONE. Did you guys see me all freaky over there? Was a late class, other dogs were done. Had to keep remembering to check over in that Starters and Advanced Ring to make sure to, ahem, actually walk his course because, well just because. Not used to going over there. How many times did Otterpop ever get her Starters courses walked? Let's just say not too many.

This is at a nice, small USDAA in Woodland. 2 rings. Kick back. Near Davis, where I went to grad school. Near the pound where Timmy came from. Far enough away that I went up Saturday night and brought Black Beauty and we all stayed in Motel 6, the one with no toilet seats. Motel 6, why can't you spring for toilet seats? And a shower drain that Otterpop was obsessed with and wanted to rub her body all over. Eeeeewww. Bring you own sheets and wear socks at all times so that you can keep 4 dogs in your motel room with you and no one cares.

Black Beauty, totally one of the gang. I think she deserves better in life than sidekick of Team Small Dog. Gary wants her gone. I happen to adore her and tried to sell her at the dog show but no one wants a lap dog chihuahua at dog agility. I love you Black Beauty! She just does whatever you want. This is one grateful little dog. Doesn't someone have a cool auntie that will dote on this dog and buy it sweaters? Little collars with faux diamonds and a matching tote bag? Come on you guys, it's a CHIHUAHUA!

Yeah so anyways. The shower drain. No! The Starters Jumpers. Gustavo was like, why you so nervous? He's been to a million agility trials, was no sweat for him. I had no idea what he would do. Run away? Act like he's never done this? Go slow? Bark at a judge? Just run around in circles like a squirrel?

Hell No! Acted like a trained dog! Just flew around, had a super fast time, and that was that. 18 seconds of Super Fun! Like did just what we practice at home! Like felt flawless and fast and FABULOUS!

* sing along now, Sonic Youth friends:
My friend Goo!
Your first Q!
You knew exact-aly what to do!
Your dirty hair.
Flies everywhere.
Cuz you are running like you actually care.
*wow Sorry Kim Gordon that I am a geek. Do you like dogs Kim Gordon?

Other dogs? I think Otterpop may have won all her classes. No one got the gamble. Was one of those freak hard ones which Makes Us More Thoughtful Dog Trainers. Everyone said, "Oh you should have been at the dog show last weekend with the EASY gambles." Oh well. We only have so many buckets of money to throw at these dog shows. Good runs all around. Otterpop, rocked. No judge issues. Thanks Judge Peggy that doesn't crowd dogs. Actually pretty darn fast and accurate and had a good day.

Ruby, was old Ruby back! Just ran her on 2 runs, didn't get the gamble and had a weird handling mishap in jumpers for a 5 faulter but still. Maybe likes the relaxed 5 hrs between runs? Dunno what it was but she was happy and easy and super fast and just no issues at all. Well hey. She just wanted to be semi retired? Whatever. Me too. We keep doing this easy schedule with her and see how it goes.

If she can walk. Because bonehead leaped up to the contraband zone called Kitty Area to eat cat food when I got home, ended up hanging upside down by her right hind leg stuck in a gap and as I write this, can't walk. Doesn't seem painful enough to rush to emergency vet, but was hanging upside down with her back leg bent behind her for like 10 seconds. Much dog screaming involved by this. Poor Ruby. Cross your fingers for her. She can be one helluva diva about things, so we'll see. Do I seem pretty blase for having a possibly very lame dog? Can I tell you how many times this dog has been lame? Yeah. Take a rimadyl and call me in the morning.

Foster dogs that want to be adopted.

Located in Santa Cruz CA. These dogs were left when a laborer from my ranch moved his family abruptly. They belonged to his kids. These dogs lived outside in a pen near his trailer and were abandoned when he moved. Please email me at laura@teamsmalldog.com to inquire about them.


The larger dog is named Katrina. We think she is approx 1 yr old. She is not spayed yet, and has a herniated umbilical cord that our vet says can easily be removed when she is spayed. She is approx 20lbs, and we are calling her a beagle dachshund corgi jack russel. She was the shyer dog of the 2, and is blossoming staying with a family, including sleeping in one of the kid's bed with her, and playing with their lab.

She has been taking walks and is becoming much more friendlier and happy. This dog seems to want to chase cats! She also seems like she could have some drive and be a fun agility dog. She loves to run around and loves to jump up and give you a hug.


Black Beauty the chihuahua has been living with me. We think she is approx 5 years old. She is not spayed yet. She weighs approx 8lbs. She gets along with dogs and cats great. She is always shy to meet someone new, then warms up. She gets along great with kids-that very cute redheaded model in the picture dragged her around on a leash or carried her around like a baby for about 6 hrs one day. I think this dog would love to be someone's devoted companion dog. She has gone to agility class, a trial, stayed in Motel 6, crated on long car rides, played at the beach, gone to work with me, pretty much the most easy going dog I've ever had around here. She's happy to do whatever you want but really, really wants to just sit in the lap of her special person. She is housebroken. She is actually pretty sporty for such a tiny dog, and maybe has a little terrier in there somewhere.

Both these dogs are really special and want great homes!

Hi in the episode you can actually see the melting happen!

Laurie, my yoga teacher said if you are prone to stress and anxiety, you should try 1/2 an hour of pranayama practice in the morning. I say this as if I go to yoga all the time frequently sometimes someday. I am not exactly sure what this bananarama is, but I think it involves laying around on some pillows and imagining a beach and breathing through your nose. Because you have an extra half hour sitting around and not 4 insane dogs leaping on you if you make a move to lay on dog hair covered floor.

OoooKaaay. Deep Breath Start. I had no internet. Email in in front seat of car in front of internet cafe. Wifi Pirate. Guys. I breathe internet. Choking noises ensue and the internet dead and needs a new part? I have had this dsl since the dinosaurs, weird hair band fella at Circuit City. What you do when it breaks?

They tried to tow my truck. Not car am sitting in. Hooptdy truck that lives on the street. Which has to go where the weave poles were-driveway. Gustavo!!! We have been trying to practice but the stress of it all! Black Beauty lives at my house currently and will likely have an adventure to Motel 6 this weekend for Gustavo first dog show. She needs a home. Right dog for someone else, not us. She is matching and is sweet, but she is someone else's dog. Hi Someone, come and get her! A nice single lady that will tote her places!

Uh. Other dog. Whole other story. Project dog. Someone get her please! Olympian is at Barn. They all spook at Cow Jump. Godamn horse went down to it's knees. Am dusty and sore. Then Fed Ex guy won't deliver. Is not fault of dogs. Just fault of no signature due to know one ever home. Is not because am at yoga class. Means now we are standing in line at Fed Ex place.

Finding dog homes via email w No Internet. Easy! Someone take this chihuahua! Then the pitbull puppy was chasing them down the street and finally caught it. Stupid lady. But at least did not tow truck. Drag dog to alley to meet lady thanks cel phone. Little shit of a dog. Involves way more running than normal for 8am in the street.

Then all the people start calling about the horses. Except have to leave for work to get there by 7am? What time is that? When is the internet? No one at Circuit City knows if this internet machine works with Macs. So much hair gel on employees in their red shirts? There are routers and modems. Much eye rolling every time I say Mac. Which one broke? Hiya! Sarah Palin?

Take BB for interview. You guys, reading this? Because check email during BB interview. Crack that is internet. She is a good girl but only wants to be on Team Small Dog. Look at Maia, BB. Tell her through telepathy new mommie. 12 hr days yet getting dark early and dark in am!

How many hours spent trying to make an internet in the dresser drawer? How many dogs am sneaking into Motel 6? Which have to leave late for due to Olympian? Wait am in Live Chat room with Sherrie 22186 in India! She will help make the internet work. What time is it? Hello dinner? Sherrie 22186 says via the chatting:
set Radio Band to 20 MHz and set Standard Channel to 11. Then save the settings.
2. Go to the "Wireless Security". Right below the Wireless tab you can see Basic wireless settings and right beside Basic Wireless settings is Wireless Security sub tab.
3. Click on the drop down arrow for Security Mode and choose WPA Personal.
4. Make sure that it is set to TKIP.

Uh? Well. No sleep later, one chihuahua that is learning to sleep in a bed and be potty trained later, still need to leave for work like right NOW but having an internet is perfect version of pranayama bananarama for me. Can breathe again. Thanks Sherrie 22186, wherever you are. And one new blinking light machine to add to drawer.

Start Your Own Team Small Dog

All right, serious. Someone take this dog. It's one of the chihuahuas dumped by the laborer that split town over the weekend. I love this dog. Also, fyi. I have no internet big time. Uh. Of course I just sent out a million emails about this dog.

Her name is Black Beauty. Maybe 8lbs or so. Very sweet lapdog. One of those appleheady chihuahuas. Would love to see her go to some devoted Grandma or Auntie or dog purse toting someone. Not afraid of men or cats, has been happy to meet everyone and grows more social by the minute. Really likes sitting on laps. Has been dragged to agility class, all over in the car, sits at work in a crate. Loves living inside a house. Has spent her life in a little pen near a trailer in the dirt til now.

Not sure if housebroken, am supposing not and she is learning quick. No agility dog skills, we started working on Sit today. Gets along great with Team Small Dog. I think they are a little jealous of her because she is VERY cute. She looks like a mini Ruby.

Someone take this dog!

Just shake your head back and forth REALLY fast and the bad photos will sort of look like moving pictures.

Guess who came to visit me yesterday? The fedex guy. Sorry for the barking, fedex guy!

He brought me a box and in the box was a new camera. Sort of looks like my old camera but the note said, couldn't find the parts to fix your old camera so here's a new one. Holy cow! It's name, camera buffs, is Canon Powershot S5 IS. It's not a digital SLR but it plays one on tv. So you can do the thingys with the aperture and the shutters. It is refurbished. Is that like reupholstered?

So I know you all like the drawings and stuff, but hello, aloha and snackadoodle, I sure do like to take pictures!

Here's some videos I shot with it today.

Ha fooled you! Yep. Because I don't know how to use this camera like AT ALL!


Enjoy this shot of my pants. Instead of everyone's stellar dogwalks.


Weave poles with full wires. Instead of the video showing him running them with these then half of these.


Here's a nice one I like to call you would have seen them all do the teeter. Featuring my hand and Otterpop.

Team Small Dog Courtroom Drama-Episode 3

All right. I just bit the bullet, was my day off, and I decided What the Hell. In the order of things of which to procrastinate on, which is better? Christmas Shopping or Getting a Court Date or Repainting the House? Yeah. A no brainer. Court date way more the funner thing of those three. So Monday being day off, after a nice, illegal throw-tennis-ball-in-the-waves morning at the beach, threw sandy, tired dogs in the car drove to Court to stand in my line at the ticket window to see if they could decipher the words from the form I told you about in Episode 2. That one, Courtroom Drama Episode 2 so riveting all the comments were about Carnivale. Because really. I cannot compete with what is going to happen to Ben Hawkins when he finds Henry Scudder and we figure out the whole no legged Russian who talks like a woman connection and how Brother Justin ended up being the actual devil and tries to end the world which Sarah Palin just would write off as God's plan anyways so maybe Ben Hawkins could have just saved himself the trouble, because the whole inbred Granny camp thing was really a big headache for him.


So a very nice lady took all my paperwork and commented on how organized I was since I had taken the trouble to paperclip my now 3 documents together. Looked it over, and said, "So that's going to be $211 to pay the fine."

"I'm Not Guilty." Finally, got to tell someone in the court this! Even if just the lady in Tina Fey glasses at the ticket window.

I whipped out my notepad. Needed to get notes on what she was going to tell me next since the court paper was too hard to understand.

She said, "In that case, you have 2 choices." She got her pen out and drew me a little diagram. I love you Tina Fey glasses lady!

"You can either pay the bail right now, which is the same as the fine, and then schedule a court date after that. Or, you can stand before the judge in an arraignment hearing, tell her you're not guilty, and ask for a trial date."


She said the judge is a Her. Judge Judy? It won't be Judge Judy, right? I am HORRIFIED by Judge Judy. Not many people scare me, but Judge Judy does. I think Judge Judy lives in LA on a tv set. Not here.

Even with potential Judge Judy thoughts, I am like, "I need an arraignment." Because I am Not Guilty. And I don't want to pay all these courts and State Parks and all a penny. Not a dime.

"Uh, can the judge tell me I can't have a trial?" I am picturing Judge Judy yelling at me and saying just put your damn dogs on a leash like the sign says and throwing me out of court. Or having Bert escort me out and they snicker about me right there in front of my face.

"No. You have the Right to a Fair Trial." This is why I pay taxes. For like one second I am proud to be an American then I think about the mortgage industry and John McCain and I'm not quite as proud but, but I have a glimmer, right there at the ticket window thanks to Tina Fey glasses lady. I am going to listen to Bruce Springsteen on the way home in the car and sing along.

She got out a little chart of arraignment and court times and a highlighter. I LOVE you ticket lady! Here is the info we have been trying to get. Diagrams and highlighters! Next to me in the other ticket window line, a guy is asking for espanol. His ticket lady isn't speaking any espanol and I guess the espanol lady isn't in today. I get the feeling he isn't getting any highlighter diagrams and medals for paper clipping his papers together. You can only be proud to be an American if you speak good english here at Minor Violations and Traffic Court. They're still going over espanol and nobody espanol today. Goddamn, other ticket lady. Half our county only speaks espanol. Figure out a way to help the guy out like my ticket lady does.

So she goes over more stuff with me and goes over it again. I could ask to have my fee reduced if I wanted then, or just try and get my trial. If I did want to pay bail, I would get it back if I was found not guilty but it might take over a month. She has lots of interesting info for me about court stuff. I told her I appreciate all the info, because I am not used to being part of the legal system. First timer here.

"It's good you're writing it all down. A lot of people don't and they forget, and if you don't show up at the arraignment, it's a $300 fine. People do that all the time. Just try to stay organized." She grabs up all her diagrams and staples them onto my growing little packet. Which now is topped by a form called RELEASE ON OWN RECOGNIZANCE, NOTICE OF HEARING DATE. PEOPLE OR THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA VS. DEFENDANT LAURA HARTWICK.

"I'm trying to be a good citizen, especially since I'm Not Guilty." There. Said it again. Is like rehearsal. Even if the judge ends up deciding I actually broke a law, which actually I did, I stand behind the fact that I am doing nothing wrong out there, walking through a field with my dogs not on their leashes, as has historically been the prior usage there. Rehearsal.


"Anything else I need to know?" Poor guy with no english still over there at the other window. Like if I was having a hard enough time figuring this whole thing out and taking notes and needing a highlighted diagram, I think this guy in big trouble. A lot of people I think might be lawyers walk by, they all walk fast. Suits, ties, good haircuts, briefcases. Possible costuming ideas for my arraignment, note to self. I'm in sandy and wet jeans. Guy with no english, looks like a laborer. Next guy waiting for a turn, shorts and surf sweatshirt and flip flops. Very Santa Cruz, down here in the court basement.


She has no other important info. Wishes me well. Arraignment date is next Monday, Sept. 22, 1:30pm. Stay tuned for the next episode.

I do not live in Sunset Magazine.

Every single year for Christmas my mom (Hi Mom!) gives me a subscription to Sunset Magazine. The Guide to Living in the West. If you are a perfect, secret Martha type but look super hot wearing yoga pants to the Farmer's Market, this is your guide. Sunset has a sunny, low key vibe and remodeled houses that were once humble but now nine trillion times better houses than anywhere I will ever live. Yet still livable and casual and breezy. It's always breezy there in Sunset. Oh and the homeowners, they did the work by themselves but we suspect they are totally lying. Stunning, yet casual photography of all said projects. And the type of houses that are usually not mansions. Houses like mine but so so so much better and bigger and cooler and probably snickering at my house behind their bungalow and mid century new front doors.


Lots of landscaping in the Sunset. The cult of the Outdoor Room. Everyone has little couches and pergolas and patios and the right plants that look artfully disheveled on the flagstone and vintage brick pathways. And here is where my delusion took me for a ride about 10 years ago. I was still being a for hire Art Director and loudly demanding giant buckets of money to work insane long weeks of no sleep for dot coms doing Branding and Visual Design. Which meant giant paychecks then periods of unemployment during which you pay the giant taxes on the now dwindling paychecks and spend the rest before going on to the next dotcom begging to throw you some money into your money bucket. Maybe spending weeks with a shaved head, flip flop wearing CEO debating whether the parrot's feet look FRIENDLY enough and is his pirate hat at a rakish enough angle. A lot of teeth grinding. Yelling. Demeaning work for an Artiste but the whole buckets of money thing, seductive.

Somehow during all this, I also decided I was a landscape designer and also had the super human powers that would allow me to do all the work and labor of my designs on my entire back yard. Which prior to this delusion was a tree and cement. I believe delusions came as a result of all the door slamming and screaming at caffienated little stock option whores when they decided that the flying saucer should actually be a VW bus and can it be done by tomorow. Or being told, WE REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE PURPLE AROUND HERE by newly minted millionaires younger than me. Or make it edgier, but not that edgy. Or archie. Wait, arty, not archie. How about make it Purple? My friends, I was losing my mind. Me with Timmy under my arm, taking conference calls. Oh man. The conference calls that made me want to claw my eyes out with the nearest decapitated plastic horse leg. You get it? I moved to Crazyland, peoples.

Uh, where was I?

I am a Landscape Designer! I feel the earth! Rototilling. Cement jackhammering. Tree murder. Dirt adding. Much using of shovels and wheelbarrows. Hauled rock and acquired plants here and there and built a hill and in my shrimpy yard the size of a Kate Moss's little tummy. Guys, no dog agility here 10 years ago. Outdoor Room! There was a lush jungly section with ferns. Cactus area. Trees. Fountain. Outdoor rooms! Flagstones not quite level. Plants that came from finding in the street. Sort of not looking so Sunset somehow. Everything I touch, usually goes that way. Laura is our...(here is where the long pause comes in) Quirky friend. Quirky nice way to say, god, just looks insane. Why does she hang those silver reindeers from the TREES???

Over the years, the gardening thing just grew tiresome. Thought we were moving a couple years back and just sort of let it go to hell. Outdoor room my ass. Try dead and brambly weeds if we're lucky. Hill sort of became the dirty silt that washed away in the rains. And, let's just drive that last sharpened chopstick through my heart, the gophers attacked this year.


There were always a few. Lovable little rats that hopefully the cat and dogs will rip a limb from and send on their way. Not a big deal. Until they had some kind of abstinence educational promotion in their gopher high school where there were no dinosaurs in the gopher science books and they all got pregnant at once and then there are millions of them. Taking over the universe which lives under my dead plants. Which is a universe of secret tunnels and likely houses nicer than mine the way the little rodents seem to be working. Like you take a step on any part of our yard now and you feel like maybe you are going to drop 1000' feet down to the center of the earth.


My extermination crews? A joke against these armies. Some general I turned out to be. Deployment of extra neighborhood cats gets us nowhere. They mock me, or actually don't. They don't care about humans. They just care about tunneling out every bit of dirt under my yard. Dogs don't catch them anymore, don't see the cat with them. They're so deep. Dogs just frolick at the site of little wiggling chunk of crab grass, pounce on it, and go back to sleep in the sun.

Got some free chihuahuas for ya.

Anybody want their own Otterpops? Cuz I got a couple for ya, real cheap. Like free. Exact same type of Watsonville Street Chihauhua. Skinnier. Probably same kind of mean and weird and not so socialized.

So are they good dogs? Yeah, just like Otterpop was a good dog and I had to keep her so as not to be the good dog as she was with a normal family. So that kind of dog. But you know who is one of my favorite dogs? Otterpop. So those kind of dogs can turn into damn good dogs. They keep you on your toes. A lot.

How did I get my Otterpop Watsonville street chihuahua? Captured off the side of the road after being spotted for a couple days straight, chasing cars down a couple country roads. In Watsonville, there are a lot of migrant families. Things happen, families get uprooted in the night and vanish. La migra. The weather. The no paycheck. The drinker. The drugas. It's a hard life when you're working for near pennies. Dogs get dumped. Not a priority when homelessness is hitting hard and fast, a ugly wind that slaps you in the face and keeps knocking you down even if you're clawing your way up. And isn't going to stop. Maybe ever. Just how it is. That's how it is with these 2 dogs.

Were the beloved pups of some of the coolest kids I know. Knew. Oscar, Christian and Tony. Guys, I hope you make it out of the poverty and alcoholism and shitty, shitty lives you are having right now. If any kids ever could, these guys could. Awesome kids, man did they get the wrong family. Dad. I dunno. Who am I to say. Might not ever know how they turn out, because in a heartbeat they packed up and took the boys to the Pacific Northwest to move in with some family last night. Before I even had time to slip them any cash, each boy something to hold tight to in a pocket, know it's there if things go wronger.

These dogs, they got captured and found by the boys after someone else dumped them. Built a little pen for them up by their trailer at the top of the ranch. Followed their bikes around, barked in the pen. Not the luxury dogs of a dog agility lady with all the stuff dog agility dogs get. No massages and liver treats and stuffed things with squeakies. No one talks about their poops and if they can get them in for acupuncture or swim therapy. These dogs, lived in the dirt. Would be thrilled to have a clean towel to lay on. Honestly, animal shelter might be like staying at Comfort Inn. With cable. Shitty cable, on a tv that don't hardly work from the vantage point of the suspect polyester bedspread, but cable none the less.

And now dumped by another family. But you can't take a family of 5 and all the dogs and all the stuff in one tiny pickup truck when you have to leave town like right now. And long story short, some weeping voice mails, dogs still up there in the pen and gonna see if anyone wants them, otherwise gonna have to take 'em to the shelter. Just don't have the lifestyle and cash and setup now for more dogs. Is the way it is. This is the way things are. Your heart gets broke, their hearts get broke, you want to fix things, but there's some days that ain't going to have no good answer at the end of it all. For me, try to find homes for a couple dogs. For the boys, losing the dogs just another episode in a long story that isn't going anywhere right.

Team Small Dog, back scratchers of item promoting.

So who called Mr. Kenneth Tatsch and asked him for my plane ticket? Anyone? All you guys that are his buddies? He gets free alternative reporting just for sending us down there. Like Amy Goodman except one half brain less but better pen drawing skills. If anyone gonna get arrested at USDAA Nationals, would likely be Team Small Dog.

So yeah. I guess I could have called him myself, but pretty lazy that way. Takes me 2 nights to watch one episode of Carnivale. Never been a good one to do the ringing up. Would rather take the dogs down to the beach and yack with the neighbors about Sarah Palin. Who has gone from totally amusing freaking out to kind of scaring me. You guys. Serious.

So like drives me nuts when someone from say a shoe company or cool new website or whatever emails me and is like HI! We have this new thing and you can write about it and link to us and OK Thanks! And I'm like, hey, do I get new shoes or a present or what? Isn't that how the mafia does it? You want me to gush about your shwag because I am a nice lady? Hello, memo. Am NOT a nice lady. Am honestly pretty mean and will look at you through squinty eyes and if in a bad mood, you gonna hear about it.

So I will promote these items instead. And never mention your damn shoes by brand, shoe lady, til you kick it out with the new kicks. You want the little drawings from here? You know I used to be a real artist before became a former artist and used to sell items for at least double the prices here? So now's yer chance. Call my old collectors. All 6 of them. You can buy Laura Hartwick art again, only it's little pen drawings on notepaper a lady from the barn gave me. A whole new direction, that's why I'm a former artist. Then when I sell enough, then I can go buy the shoes I guess from the lady that just wants me to PROMOTE THEM BECAUSE I'M A NICE PERSON-ha HA lady, or buy my airstream and take my whole crew to the Nationals another year because I'm retired from work and just sit around and draw stuff and write amusing songs at my ranch. Mary figured out that would only take me another 113 years, so I've started cracking away at it now.

You seen Etsy before? Crafty girls sell their stuff there. So not me. Never been a fish in the right pond, so figured out perfect place to stick those drawings. Have at it. There's more where these came from. I can't even explain to you how much more. A lot.

Team Small Dog Courtroom Drama-Part 2

So yesterday was the date we were supposed to go to court, as randonly assigned by the Lady in the Ticket Window, starting where our story left off last time, which was sort of at the Midget Mobile. Remember? Naked Trolls. She told me come back on September 11. All freaky creepy. Maybe you forgot that was what we were supposed to do yesterday. Like had more IMPORTANT Sept. 11 things to think about.

But then, the other day, I got this letter. With my name and my violation and my total bail of $210, and the due date. And in big letters, at the bottom, it says TRIAL. And:

To contest a citation EITHER (1) appear at Traffic Division noted at the front of your citation, (2) pay the bail listed on the front of this notice, (3) sign and file a "Waiver of Arraigment and Plea of Not Guilty" form, and (4) be assigned a court date by the clerk or (1) appear in court, (2) enter a plea of "Not Guilty:, and (3) be ordered to appear for a Court Trial by the judgical officer.

You get all that? 

Naw, me either.


See, I sat around and made a non courtroom sketch instead of finishing reading it.

It sort of goes on and on and who has time to read IMPORTANT LEGAL PAPERS SENT TO YOU BY A COURT.

But the part that did catch my attention, the due date. 10/08/08. That's like, in October! Halloween! Nearly Christmas! Like, we would be done Christmas shopping by then, right? And I have episodes of Project Runway (I KNOW I KNOW!) to watch and I've been really hooked on watching Carnivale (you will hear about this show SOON I promise, because it is about psychic Russian Dustbowl Carnies and the Devil in the Central Valley!) or like clean the garage or measure how tall Otterpop is compared to a loaf pan or stare at the creepy orange light that is getting dark like SO EARLY like when I'm still at work. 

So I'll finish reading the paper then sometime before 10 oh 8 oh 8.

Whose idea was this for me to represent myself? Are all attorneys like this? Can I bill for these hours? See you in Court!

Helpful equipment tip for dog agility.

Never, ever, ever do agility in navy blue slip-on Vans. Just trust me on this one.

Still teaching weave poles-a primer.

So Gustavo, I may have mentioned ONCE OR TWICE like four thousand times, has been really hard to teach weave poles to. In context, Ruby, my first agility dog, learned with a treat and some white pvc sorta poles stuck in a patch of grass in my yard with me never having taught a dog to drunkenly weave back and forth through a set of poles, and learned to have pretty darn fast weave poles somehow. Thanks for being a super genius Ruby! Have no idea how I taught her but you can guess it wasn't pretty. Her weave poles have slowed down a bunch over the last couple years with her aches and pains and phobias, but they're solid. If she ever misses a pole these days, is because I have done something so crackhead and bizarre that she is freakazoid and near meltdown state. In technical terms.

Otterpop learned super fast weave poles in like 3 weeks. Because that's how long I borrowed my friend's weave channel weaves for. And let me tell you, it is very motivating to teach weave poles fast when you know you have to give them back and you are SO SICK of lugging these giant metal nailbreaking finger pinchers in and out of the car and setting them up at the park where people are like TOTALLY STARING AT YOU FREAK WITH DOG PROPS or it's the elementary  school down the street so you go at like 6:30 in the MORNING FREEZING COLD o'clock so small children don't shame you with their stares, setting them up and involves giant leg bruises and not fitting in car and a lot of cursing. Good thing school hasn't started-sorry kids! Somehow it happened in those 3 weeks and gladly returned the poles. That dog will do anything for a frisbee. She may have other problems, but evil super genius, indeed. And now, you can send her into weaves from wherever you want. Super funny party trick in my driveway.

Schematic Diagramatic Channel Methodical

Gustavo. I bought you your own super fancy, powder coated set of channel weaves. Decided you were one year old and could learn weaves, and off we went. Used wires. Used cages. Methodically, carefully, using all my knowledge from all my agility careful reading of books and videos and classes and teaching others to run through poles. Whole MAGAZINE ISSUES devoted to teaching weaves. We studied. We make notes. I made hot dogs. OK, we did not make notes. But I did sing Buck Owens songs here and there.

And it went great. Wow what fast poles as I methodically and slowly closed the channels down in careful, tiny increments. Agility Jargon Alert! Do you get this fact, my non agility friends? Open channels=looks like a straight line with nothing to bump into for the dog. Fast! Closing channels means not so straight line anymore of dog running, in fact many poles a dog could bump into and learns to weave through them because now poles are the straight line.

Until the poles went straight. That last teensy bit, equaled, not weave poles anymore. Hi and Goodbye and Adios. Yes, these newly 100% straight poles were better for going around or through and out or something not the perfect, super fast poles of my dreams.

And we may have taken a practicing break. Or two. Or three. Don't tell Jim. With the super champion puppy. Due to actual practicing and perhaps champion being doesn't hurt.


But guess what we have this week?

In today's episode, we find some dogs that wear backpacks in the forest.

So we went for a walk in the forest today. Monday's my day off, mostly out walking in the forest on a Monday morning are gray haired ladies in capri pants with fanny packs that hold water bottles. At least in this forest. Do you ever see ladies like this? Maybe your forest different. Some of them hike with ski poles. They travel in packs for safety. Since sometimes other forest walkers can be on the creepy side. No Not Me! I fall somewhere between gray haired ladies and creepy forest dwellers.


I kept the dogs on leashes until we got to the part of the forest where there are fewer ladies out on their lady hikes. Once we get to the more foresty part, yeah, there might be deer to chase but less chance of running amuck into a gray haired lady posse. Do not want to be responsible for tipping over a gray haired lady in a fanny pack, ski pole propping her up or not.

So we get to the running amuck trail, and off they go, up and down the trail ahead of me then behind me then ahead of me then behind me then ahead of me to the side of me and ahead of me. Through poison oak, ferns, mud and redwood bramble. They are fast. At the top of the hill, near the spring box full of goldfish (it's a weird kind of forest, guys) I hear a loud voice command, "DOWN." Like Wow. Super commandy. Dog trainer?

I call my dogs. Something about that commandy voice is a danger will robinson business meaning voice. "DOGS!" Don't see anything yet, but small dogs are really happy to run back to me, and I see why as I make it up to the clearing. There's a lady with 2 german shepherds, on leashes, in downs. They look like maybe not regular pet german shepherds. They both have on backpacks, and big prong collars plus some other kind of chain collar plus those big heavy leather leashes that have a bunch of extra buckles. European perhaps? Europia?

Lady looks at me, and goes,"Whoa. I thought those were a bunch of forest creatures." She is tall and has nicely arranged blonde hair and is like if you were to commission an aryan statue of a lady german shepherd trainer, use her as the model.


For a second I think, Yes! My dogs have just been mistaken for forest creatures! This is a pleasant thought. Not sure why. Forest creatures! Like squirrels! Gnomes! Fruit bats!

But then I'm like, "Dogs come HERE!" Because her europia shepherds may be on a down, but there are definite snarling noises coming form somewhat snarly looking mouths. I should add here, I LOVE german shepherds. If I could have unlimited dogs, I would include a german shepherd. Charlie's old dog, Jake, was one of my favorite dogs ever. But he also did bite work with the cop guys, and I have seen some intense german shepherd bitey action in my time and take growling german shepherds with multiple leashes and collars and backpacks super serious.

She goes, "I'm staying here. Don't let them near these dogs." She is super calm and looks like she has perfect control of her 2 giant dogs but her 2 giant dogs look like they thought maybe perhaps were going to have a forest creature snack not 10 seconds ago. I am like oh my god. Total Heidi Klum moment. The statuesque blonde Europia lady with snarling backpack dogs directing traffic in the forest clearing.


I'm attaching leashes licketdy split going, "Okie dokie, this is their usual running place, I'm going to just grab 'em here and go down over there and let 'em go again?" I sort of say this questiony because I want to make sure she doesn't say something like I AM ABOUT TO LET MY GERMAN SHEPHERDS GO TOO AND LET'S SEE WHO WINS THAT ONE. Also this lady is sort of like the boss here of the forest clearing all of a sudden. I will do whatever she says. I just am trying to keep forest creatures from being snacks.

They all just stay there, motionless, as we fast walk by until out of sight and I snap off my little thin, non chainy leashes and off they go, back down the forest hill. Running amuck forest creatures again, through the redwoods, no german shepherds in pursuit. Never saw the Europia lady again.

But what was weird was later on, back in the more capri pant section of the forest, I have them back on leashes and here comes another lady with dogs wearing backpacks. And one is a pitbull type and the pitbull type one is clearly what we in the dog training world like to call Reactive.

I know reactive, because Ruby was reactive. Did you know that? A reactive 12 lb dog. I spent years training Ruby to look at the thing that bugged her (any other dog that existed in the universe) then at me then have a treat until that became the thing she did until she could walk somewhat near another dog then eventually walk on a leash among all dogs until she one day became a normal dog. She is 8 now. That took a long time. Was a long time I thought she would never be a dog who could go for a walk amongst other dogs. Be at an agility show, all those other dogs? Still amazes me how far she's come. Like can't get too upset when she melts down in Snookers when I think about how I never even was sure she'd be able to just go on a walk around my block. Sit near another dog. Go to the beach. Is hard and sad to have a dog like that.

I think that's what this lady thinks with her dog. Except she is trying to train a big pitbull that weighs WAY more than 12 lbs with the same problem and she has another big black dog and they are both wearing backpacks but she is no Heidi Klum. She is small and wears a bandana on her head and she is having a helluva time controlling the now totally freaking out dog. Who is freaking out in a pretty scarey way.

We're on a dirt path in a forest I should add. One side a cliff down, one side a steep hill up. I know when I was desensitizing Ruby, the best thing was other dog just marched by us ignoring us and was gone in a flash. Didn't stop, pause, backup, just walks on. So I am super cheerful, Lindsey Lohan checking out of Malibu rehab on a sunny day with new Louis Vuitton on her arm, "Come on dogs! YAY!" You guys, my agility friends, know that YAY! We say it all the time. YAY! Good dogs!


Bandana head girl at this point is wrestling pitbull on the cliff side of trail. Like it is making frantic screaming noises and she is sort of on top of it, trying to keep it from launching ballistic into small dog group trotting by. Big black dog sort of standing there, looking more baffled than anything. At least she has one good dog. My dogs definitely getting the whole forest creature snack potential opportunity vibe again and marching right by not even looking at pitbull listening to the YAY! and Otterpop does the hand target she is trained to do when she sees something that scares her, and Ruby bless her feral little heart, acts like she was born to do this and has her whole life.

So hey. Not sure what Cesar would say about this. German shepherd lady, not sure what your dogs' trip is, but you seem to have a system to handle it.

Pitbull lady, your hair all cute in the bandana. Here's what I did.
Dog Training Jargon Starts Now!

• Started with Ruby all by herself on a walk, with a pocket full of super treats. 
  
• Let her look at a dog, then back at me and used a clicker and clicked her for picking to watch me and get a treat. 
  
• When she could do it far from other dogs, got her closer and closer and just kept doing it. 
  
• Everywhere, all the time. 
  
• For like a year. Or two. Or more. Was kind of a huge project. 
  
• I know there's a book, Control Unleashed by Leslie McDevitt, that has way better tactics and exercises. 
  

And I know my evil, snarling attacking tasmanian devil on the end of the leash only weighed 12lbs. And maybe some dogs never snap out of it, or maybe not enough. I know Ruby turned into a Sister Mary Ruby finally and is on her way to being Ruby Best Dog someday. But I feel your pain. And thanks for being a damn good dog wrestler.

Hola Cesar. Let's just ask the Dog Whisperer.

Dear Cesar Milan,


So last night, we got on our cruisers to ride over to the loud place where cute tattoo'ed 20 year olds serve you beer and fries for dinner and you can play pool. It's dark in there. Bring your reading glasses if you go, Cesar. Or just ask them what beers are on tap and pretty much all you can get is fries so just get that. It's a good dinner for a Saturday night.


So as we are riding our bikes down the driveway, the howling starts in the house. Goddamn howling. I am pretty sure it's Otterpop that starts it, but as soon as she starts, there goes everyone. So from my driveway, I can hear house howling.

So I fling my bike down on the cement and march back in the house and holler, "GODDAMNIT DOGS. KNOCK IT OFF. I AM SERIOUS." That usually does the trick. I use Really Mad Voice. And I stomp back outside. I sort of crouch down in the dark driveway, listening. All silent. The radio is on, it's a funk show. Nice and loud. No howling.


Sort of meander outside for a bit, listening. Will they start it up again? Or are we safe to get our beer. It is late. We're hungry and thirsty for beer and fries dinner. Seems like staying quiet. Off we go.

Fast forward, driving bikes home. Safety tip, use a bike light! Especially if you are drunk. What do we hear as we are pulling up to our house?


GODDAMN HOWLING. Augh! Yes, there is some funky George Clinton on the radio too but all the windows are open due to the creepy Indian Summer weather and for us and the neighbors to enjoy, is the howling. Sounding like coming from the bedroom where normal dogs would just be sleeping in the dark, enjoying the nap time. But Team Small Dog prefers to sit around and howl.


Cesar, how do I stop Team Small Dog from howling when we're not home?

Love, Laura

Three dogs now, when it's time to start having the creeps.

I was walking down the street the other morning, and the nervous lady that used to have a rottweiler except then her husband moved out, came out to say hi. She has a bunch of kids crammed in her tiny house. They're in school now. Don't walk by her house so much, now that there's no Timmy, no need to go on her street hardly ever. I always feel sort of bad for the nervous lady. It's a lot of kids crammed in that little house, shaped like a mobile home and no yard except a tiny speck of grass in the front. She's skinny and shaky and the ex is this big guy that always gave me the creeps.

Told you it's creepy season.

She comes out, looks at the dogs for a second, goes, "Where's the other one?"

"He died this summer."

Looks me dead in the eye. "Did he die-die or you put him to sleep?" Like, seemed important for her to know this fact. Once she helped me look for my cat when it was gone a few days.


"We euthanized him. He got real sick. He was old."

She doesn't really say anything. Just looks at me. I look back. She's a little extra stare-y and freaks me out so I look at her shoes. Those slip on Keds kind. White. Notice her grass speck. Green. She waters. In the world of manners, her turn to say something. I am waiting, nervous lady. Using my manners.

She doesn't. I just go, "Well, nice to see you. We gotta get to work." Keep on walking down the street with the 3 dogs.


Like a minute later, Gustavo got scared of a empty 40 ouncer laying on the corner and gave it freaky growly barks til I pulled him by. Bobby, who owns the Korean market on across the corner, he saw that. I was thinking it was sort of funny, dog nervous of a beer bottle laying on the sidwalk. Look over across the street, at Bobby just standing there on the front mat of his market, having a smoke. Watching us. I smile and wave. We buy lottery tickets and potato chips and ice cream there. He just goes back in the store.

Hi and welcome to the creeps.

I have my backup plan to get sort of a picture, but everybody has to hold really, really still. Do you hate this time of year? Fall is the worst. It is depressing season. Hate it. The light changes, and to get tired dogs, have to just run 'em in the dark now next to my bike.

Fall is the season where stuff starts dying. The light is creepy. Sarah Palin gives us the creeps. The air gives me the creeps. I just walk around having the creeps basically til the rain starts now. Because it's time killer months of reminding you there's no going backwards to summer anymore.

And someone starts talking about leaves? And crispness? Indian summer? This is their FAVORITE time of year? Like maybe is yours. Or maybe you're like me and just this week you started to get your creeps.

Team Small Dog, BFF to State Parks, Helps BFF with a New Wildlife Guide to Lighthouse Field.

We were thinking the other day, on our enjoyable, yet illegal, walk through Lighthouse Field, Team Small Dog maybe needs to practice more the Secret. We should be working on God's plan, because that's what Sarah Palin would want us to do if she were the Vice President then starting Actual Running of the Country as President should we be blessed yet cursed with the rapid death of John McCain, shortly before anarchy and Hiya Just Drill Some More Oil Here take over the US. Just saying. Doesn't hurt to plan ahead for a new era. Just in case.

So in that spirit, we are going to be more helpers for the California State Parks system. BFF. Best Friends FOREVER! We are nicey nicey with you, State Parks. And we are making you a nice wildlife guide, starting today, to help your park attendees who want to take in some Natural Beauty with Dogs on Leashes, in Lighthouse Field State Park.

Let's start with some clip-n-save coupons, to help you identify flora and fauna and sights and smells.


Thanks Otterpop!


Thanks Ruby! She is Always the one who finds the taqueria and harbor fish dump piles out there!


Thanks Gustavo! He vanishes so quick we don't always know what his little sniffer picked up but it usually involves Burger King wrappers!

What About the Nature out there? Used to be dogs and birds. But wait! Now there's More!


Awww, who doesn't love a kitty. Or two. Or ten. Or twenty. Little fluffy breeders!


So many pretty camp spots under the trees. Hey Otterpop, guess where you can find some more hot stinking man shit?


Wow, we could go on and on with these Popular Specimens. But golly gee, we gotta go to work!

Some classy videos for your viewing pleasure today.

Otterpop makes it through the Grand Prix finals. What a relief.

Ruby makes it through Grand Prix finals. What a relief.

Want to see more? Maybe pick out cool dogs like Sweep and Ace and Jack and watch them go around? Go up to Eric's video website and just search around and you'll find 'em. Because you have all the time in the world to sit on the computer and watch dog videos, right?

Hello Mr. Ken USDAA and can I have an airplane ticket?

Aha! She did not tell us the answer to our question. Does Team Small Dog go to the USDAA Nationals?

Well, the answer is I believe today NO! Unless you are friends with Ken Mr. USDAA guy and you call him and say hey we want more Woodstock Love Fest Happiness type reporting with no actual results of the USDAA CynoNationalDockDive thingie by Team Small Dog and you should SEND HER AN AIRPLANE TICKET and she would take Otterpop and do courtroom sketches every single day and Otterpop could compete!

Photo credit to Thanks Rob Super Master of Gamblers and showed us where to stand to do our out hollering and arm pushing. Costume shows we just came straight from work.

Short of that happening, then no, we're not going. I thought it would be like Woodstock and we are all in our VW bus driving there summer of love and we make tie dyes in the mud and have a cookout and all the dogs are so happy and Gary is like, "Groovy! I feel like I am in Marfa!"

Did you totally get the grooviness vibes of the Labor Day Weekend of Agility Love? I was just oozing groovy out of every single pore. 2 reds in a row in Snooker and Groovy! Ruby you are coming back out that chute the wrong way but Groovy! That was a missed contact like you never do Otterpop in Grand Prix finals but Groovy! I am a Winner too because I won a dog bed in a raffle so Groovy!

But Ruby was the first one to chime in, "Not groovy, I would like to spend my bye on sleeping-in-crate-coupons instead and not really go and have to do actual running unless there will be sheep there or Hobbes is tied to the dirt nite fence barking at me." And off she went to go dig up a bone.

Then Gary said, "Like hell we are all going to Scottsdale Arizona. You guys go. Dog show not equals vacation." I should point out Gary spent sensitive high school years in a townhouse near Scottsdale Arizona and involves not happy memories and hitchhiking far, far away from there asap and never to return. Another story for another day. He had a lovely time at the regionals but it was half an hour from our house and he only went for one hour. Nationals not the same.

And I am like, "But I said I would wear a tucked in polo shirt and you have read what a love festival 4 days of dog shows equals, everyone feeling the love and it is so fun and I am sketching with pens and not even FREAKING OUT due to breakage of another camera, perhaps not coincidentally also manufactured by Canon and off to the camera hospital in Illinois! Um, vacationy!" This argument perhaps somewhat weak. I am in trouble for court if this is the best I can come up with.

And also is the whole sliding glass door excuse of the money. The cost of the Nationals trip equals 2 buckets of money. To miss a week of work I would throw 2 buckets of money into a toilet. Then putting in a sliding glass door and repainting due to the House Paint Fiasco equals 3 buckets of money. You take 2.5 of the gamblers seconds alloted and stand on your head and throw all the buckets of money in the toilet and that equals how many points you need.

So that is the answer. No. No Nationals for Team Small Dog this year. Unless, Hi Mr. Ken guy of USDAA, we for real offer to be the reporter and do courtroom sketches if you send us an airplane ticket and I put Otterpop in a Sherpa bag (ha HA, this would be quite a sight) and keep her from howling during cocktail service (do they still do this on airplanes? when is last time I went on airplane? I would need a cocktail with Otterpop stuffed in a sherpa bag trying to keep her from howling) and me and Otterpop stay in some motel with an internet. I would even keep actual track of who is winning and remember to write down with a pen! I would carry a little Notebook! And maybe even camera would be out of hospital by this time near Halloween?

Right, Katie does this all the time! She puts Jeep in a bag and off they go on airplane using internet in the blackberry? Off to go win things! I would not even win with Otterpop, promise all you 12" people who are starting to be jealous, wait is Mr. Ken of USDAA sending HER AN AIRPLANE TICKET? I promise always to be 6 seconds slower than you guys! Jack and Porsche will win you guys, and then some giant corgis with super long tails. And Greg Louganis dogs and other jack russells, THEN comes Otterpop. So it is no worry to you if Otterpop comes.

Although unless you are picking up the phone RIGHT NOW to beg Mr. Ken the boss of USDAA to send us our AIRPLANE TICKET, then I think you are not seeing us there this year.

And yes, maybe it moves somewhere else in another year and I will regret this my entire life, the year I could have gone to the Nationals and didn't and now it is in a more far away state such as something not actually touching California on an edge. But you know what? I could just go and get a new tattoo in that case. And maybe one day Otterpop and Gustavo both go together and Ruby can figure out what she wants to do then.

2008 USDAA Southwestern US Regional Report Final Report

Hello my non dog agility friends. And hello all my agility friends even though I was just right there with you for like a week. Yes, it was still the dog show. Day 4. It was on the news! That is a lot of days of dog show. For a Sunday dog show day only person like me, it is a super lot of days and I have to say, super fun. Sign me up! I'm in for more trying to get Saturdays off work and do a couple days in a row. I had a great time. It was super fun to meet a lot of you guys my new dog agility friends who are reading this right now, Hi! and thank you everyone that invited us to be on teams for the Nationals. Are we going? Maybe a story for another day.


So some winners. Luka and Sweep and Cap in the Grand Prix. Usual suspects, except for Sweep is like practically a puppy! Augh! It is embarrassing that I still have Gustavo not able to do all his poles straight and next time I have a lesson with Jim, be all, Hi your puppy is a super champion and Gustavo has just started bringing his frisbee back. Such is life. I was putting junk away and didn't quite notice who won the Steeplechase? I saw some grand fastness happening there. And a lot of very cute skort outfits. Hey, and I won a dog bed in the worker raffle. Can I tell you how often that happens? Never until today. Not as glamorous as winning the Grand Prix, but it is sort of like Christmas that you worked your ass off for toting leashes back and forth or some such thing to actually win a raffle prize. So I am a winner too.

JARGON GLOSSARY- Sorry non dog agility friends. We are getting pretty technical here with dog agility jargon. Let's take a jargon break for a moment.

• Frisbee returning: You throw the frisbee, and dog should bring it back. Very embarrassing to have a dog agility dog that doesn't actually bring the frisbee back.
  
• Steeplechase means run really, really, really fast and just don't look at the a-frame contact and pray they hit it. 
  
• Grand Prix? You win it and you are very happy when you are at the big dog show in Arizona. Neither of my dogs won it, but I think Ruby has a bye? A bye is the happy thing, many people this weekend were either deliriously happy or near weepiness over byes. Otterpop had 5 faults in the finals. Bye bye?
  
• Buy? Bye? Bie? I think it is sports lingo. Meaning you get a free polo shirt? And don't have to compete against the masses? 
  
• Skort. You know that one now, right? Is easy to remember. Shorts + Skirt + hopefully nice legs, not chowder legs = Skort.
  
• Worker raffle is like when you work, you get some little tickets to stick in a jar to win something. Maybe a bag of treats. Or a dog bed or jump or a dog nail tool or a chair. Stuff like that. Also these tickets are great to wash in your pockets too. I do that a lot too, may have to do with why I never win raffles. You are paid depending on how desperate the crew chief is for workers. Non desperate crew chief gives you a couple tickets. The most desperate, hand wringing ones just throw bundles of tickets at you and run away screaming looking for workers.
  

So back to the report. Ruby just likes running in classes with lots of rowdy spectators screaming and clapping and whooping at her. The Grand Prix finals were the highlight of the show for her. She had one of those snookers runs on the last day, trying to get those final Super Q's, the kind that lasts like 10 seconds and involves jumping 2 red jumps in a row due to Ruby freakout meltdown. Otterpop just missed the Super Q but had a great time and got yet another plain Q that I guess we save up for a rainy day.

JARGON GLOSSARY-Snookers-we went over this once before, my non dog agility friends. 

• Do a red jump, find another thing out there that is like 7 points if you can. 
  
• If you can't, do something else like maybe for 6 points. 
  
• Do a red jump. 
  
• Do another thing for a lot of points. 
  
• Keep repeating as many times as the judge says is ok and YES everything is bi-directional in the opening GODDAMNIT! It ALWAYS is. It NEVER is in the closing. Bidirectional, just like bisexual except with obstacles. You get the picture. 
  
• Don't dawdle, whatever you do, because the 7's are FAR, FAR, FAR away like another Galaxy! 
  
• Then follow the numbers 2-7 with little flags super fast and just turn around and look for timers if the whistle blows or possibly go to another red really fast but don't if you didn't hit the bar. 
  
• Count! 
  
• Hope you go last in the run order and can make up your course out there and not have to be freaking out because you OVERSLEPT when Gary did not set the alarm and have like 2 seconds to walk the course and run first. A true story.
  

Everyone had a good standard and I made everyone have an error! Five faulters all around for Ruby, Otterpop and Hobbes. I did one of those runs where I pretend Hobbes has a running a-frame and he just goes WOWZA COOLNESS! and there you go. Thanks for doing the t-a-b-l-e Hobbes! Otterpop had a mini refusal just from a bonehead handling glitch on my part and no judge issues and a great run even though a five faulter. Ruby poppled out her poles which I take as stress about to happen so I just kept her flying along and just flew her back over a bunch of stuff and out the ring. She seemed happy enough. She wanted the screaming crowds back maybe? Has diva issues? Sort of like aging Madonna and no one is watching her and then she goes and starts adopting kids from Africa and developing giant bulging leg muscles?


Otterpop was happy to get a bunch of Q's. I was writing them down and noticed she has way more Q's than Ruby and just needs the gamblers and Super Q for her ADCh now. She has her MAD now too because we've been waiting on that Gamble Q for a long time. She is 4 years old. Ruby just turned 8. Ruby might be retiring, might not. I have no idea. Otterpop, I am really proud of you. You got better and better every single run. You are not the fastest 12-er out there, but your times are getting a little closer to Jack's and Porsche's. Very fast 12-ers. Ruby, I love you for being a weirdo and sneaky feral jungle animal that growls like a pig at home and if you don't want an ADCh it's a-ok with me.

Oops. Sorry again. Maybe not most useful report to you. And have to just live with the courtroom sketches for now until a camera is fixed. Augh! But I think you all would have had a good time and maybe you all come next year, OK?