You say Madera, I say Near Fresno.

So you have been wondering, all weekend I know, how did Team Small Dog fare at the dog agility show in Madera? Was Super 8 Motel really 2 better than Motel 6? Would there be zombies, or even worse, race car noises there? And perhaps you also recalled, that Hobbes, super coolest border collie of the world, was needing only 1 little Q in Masters Standard to finish his Lifetime Achievement Platinum. Only the highest award in USDAA, only 500 Q's. And you remember that Hobbes is not my dog, I am just his stalker. His actual owner and dog Trainer, he got most of those 500. But that maybe it was going to be my job again to get that last Q, or to not. Or maybe you were just wondering about whether or not to have a momosa with your fried eggs instead of just boring old juice. And you know I brought champagne for just in case of the LAA Platinum actually occurring this time.

First of all. Madera used to be this rural country fairground, with trees and fields, and a giant car racing track next door. Now the directions to get there are drive through Los Banos where there are millions of crappy new tract houses built ready to be foreclosed on, drive to near Fresno, turn at Walmart, drive through the construction for more Walmarts and houses to foreclose, then there is a little grass and tree patch there where you can have a dog show. Our rural California ag lands are turning so wrong and make me want to cry and anguish what do we ALL NEED at Walmarts and their gazillion minions?

So. Are you wondering more about Hobbes or the small dogs? I suspected as much. OK. Here's how the 26" Masters Standard went down. It is my theory, being a bad dog trainer, that Hobbes's intelligence is so superior to mine that he sees the table when he's waiting for his turn, and decides to knock a bar before the table, does a nice down on it, and then sometimes gets run out of the ring for some chicken since he already has 5 faults and he did a nice table so give him a prize. Um, did I mention that Hobbes has this neurosis about the table? He may be perfect and I love him like a stalker should, but he has some idiosyncracies.

Rob already thinks I am nuts, so he just says, do whatever the hell will get him to go clean. Also he has been working hard on his jumping skills recently, since he is a good dog trainer and not reliant on voodoo and hair brained theories about the mind of the genius species border collie. But at this point, I have been dragging champagne around for a while and let's just get that Q. So I don't let him see the ring until it's his turn.

So he is going around and he has not hit a bar. I am like not saying a word since I am one of those calling over bar types. You know I have the only 12" dog that hits bars on a regular basis. Today included. He is getting the contacts. Everything is lovely. He gets on the table. And he does the thing. Hobbes you almost broke my heart right there, your favorite stalker, I take you on walks and let you play with rocks and cigarette butts and twigs. He just stands there staring at me. So all I can think of to do is slowly lower myself down staring into his eyes, down to my knees, using all my psychic abilities that I don't have but just trying to be all Amazing Kreskin like and levitate his standing up self into a down.


He does it. We finish. It's clean. Hooray for Hobbes and Rob on their biggest, hugest award you can get! I am proud to be a teensy part of it.


OK. So moving on. Next dog. Ruby, you were on fire. You were awesome. But you hit some bars and that cost us some Q's. And a refusal at the poles based on your personal neurosis/nemesis in Masters Standard (but thanks for an awesome table and no bars in there!). But aside from 2 bars and that pole moment, she ran better than she has in a while, and her jumpers, where of course, according to my custom, it was the LAST BAR, was just wonderful and fun and fast and I even was DEAD QUIET over every bar but you just had to throw that in there because you keep me honest and ADCh free.

My friend Otterpop. You blew me away with your FAST snookers run. And then, at the very end, in the closing 7 bit, I sent you in a contraband tunnel. But I was so proud of you and your maturity level and non paranoia! I thought, wow! She has turned over a new leaf! All our practice. And confidence building. I have become a good dog trainer! And then it was her turn for standard. And in she went, and over a bunch of stuff, doing allright, and into the poles. Where the judge happened to be standing. And Otterpop, she of poles I am actually Super Proud Of, looks at the judge harder and harder every pole until she pops out at 10, runs to the judge and barks in her face. And the judge looks at me, VERY STINK EYE, and says, "You are excused." You are thinking, oh, a starters dog. No. Otterpop is in masters. Yep.


Shamed. I was shamed. I picked her up, didn't say a word, marched her in my arms to the car and left her there. Until Jumpers, where she had a great, fast, lovely and smooth run and not a bobble or eyeball on the judge and there you go. But. I. Was. Shamed. A scarlet B pinned upon my breast for BADLY. BEHAVED. BARKER. BUTTHEAD.

Moving quickly on. Gustavo. I am very proud of us both. Me that I finally devised a way to keep you in the xpen with everyone and no more escaping ever. You that you stayed in the pen and were of course charming and well behaved every time you got to go hang out. Had I actually watched the whole DVD of Crate Games instead of drinking margaritas, this would of course not be an issue that he wants to escape whenever I run a dog. I have the Crate Games-esque Lite version of Puppy Rocket Launcher Pod I used to do with him to teach him to jump and go out to stuff, launching him to and from his crate on the agility field. But because of margaritas and short attention span of myself, he does not stay put in jail all by himself unless it involves a lid and clamps and such. Sorry dogs that you are in jail so much of the day but you kind of don't seem to mind.


And then we drove home into the wind. Oh, I had a medicore, bar hitting Steeplechase finals with Hobbes, probably won Rob enough money for a couple gallons of gas, but it's ok I guess. He has a Prius. And a LAA Platinum.

Well, let's try to analyze this mixed bag of a dog show.

OK, so here are some kudos. Maybe the rest of this story will be boring because I believe if i was reading this about someone else's dogs, I may be bored. But maybe there are lessons here for all of us, or maybe you are such an agility star you have some good ideas about things I can do to improve on some, um, issues.

Kudos to Gary for getting up at 5am and making sure my leaky radiator was full so I did not throw an engine rod on my car driving there! And he wore the head flashlight to do this too. How much are we loving that head flashlight?

Kudos for Gustavo for not escaping or screaming and being super well behaved and acting like a well trained puppy and taking walks and playing a lot of tug on his nasty ratty piece of fleece.

Kudos to Ruby for just being so fast and what a good dog. And winning all her classes, except for 2nd in one. It was CPE. So it's not like winning all her classes in USDAA. But I was super happy with all her runs, except for her slowish weave poles, which continues to be disturbing, especially when she is flying around out there and then hits those poles and slows way down. (In CPE, slow poles aren't that weird so she can still win I guess, but that doesn't make them ok.) She got a 2nd in a class where they had to do 3 sets of poles. I avoided them in things like Gamblers and those Wacky CPE Point Hogging classes. Which in one, I hogged more points than I believe anyone else in the whole dog show. I have to recheck that score when they post it online, but I apparently got 83 points when most people were getting 40 or at the most 60. I just used shrewd strategy of ground covering and weave pole avoiding and hogged points like it is the end of the world and I'm the last polar bear trying to collect the last ice cubes. Sorry polar bears. Also rocking, Super Q worthy Snookers. Ruby, you are the best. But your weave poles continue to disturb me and I am not sure if it is me, are you trying to tell me something about my handling skills by slowing down in the poles? Is it you? Does your shoulder hurt, which seems unlikely because you are never lame anymore and so fast? Is it both of us? Is there someone else? I don't want to break up Ruby! But I don't know what your slow weave poles are saying!

Otterpop. I am not giving you Kudos. OK. You won all your classes except for 2 which we need to have a little talk about. She had a good fast first place winning first run. It was a points one and I did the fast point hog thing. In the next class, Standard, the start headed straight down a line right to an old man setting poles. There are a couple guys in like their 80's that do CPE. They rock. They are so cute and I find it amazing they can run around out there with their dogs and they are 80! And there was one of the fellas, sitting in a plastic lawn chair, ready to dash out on his spiderly 80 year old legs each time a dog knocked a rail down. And Otterpop takes one look at him, beelines out to him and starts barking.

Take that Otterpop. I called her in to me, and instead of keeping going, marched her to her leash without a word, put it on, and took her straight to the car, not even picking up BELOVED FRISBEE, and just locking her in the car. Alone. I took the other dogs on an enjoyable walk. Thank god I do not have kids. I would go to jail. I think people probably think I beat her, which I DO NOT! because she was all cowery the whole way there probably because I have not spoken even a word to her this whole time and she thinks I have become the dog Whisperer or abominable Snowman.

Otterpop you are FOUR YEARS OLD!

So her next run, wow! Super speedy! Perfect manners. Not a glance at any old men or photographer or pole setters or judges. Wins class! This pattern followed for a while. Til the last class. It was like she sat there and figured this out to get back at me. I mean, I know this isn't what dogs do, right? There has to be some other reason, I am a bad handler, I did something, but she has never done this. She starts out, not super fast but just fine, fast enough, it is Snookers. She takes a few jumps (I was doing the same aggressive all "7's" course I did with Ruby), and then just stops and gives me the look she gives when she is playing fetch and there are other dogs around and she is not giving up a precious stick because THEY WILL TAKE IT and IT IS HERS. But she is in the dog agility ring and there is no frisbee or stick or tennis ball, she is just supposed to keep on jumping and she has just stopped. And is looking at me like "I am Otterpop the Great and Powerful Ruler of the Universe and Screw You." What did I do Otterpop? Do you want to break up with me too? I thought we had a beautiful relationship and now this.

I just ceased the run and took her to jail again. BecauseI didn't want to signal that behavior like that is going to fly for even a second. I don't know. It was our last run, so I didn't get to test the post jail Perfect Dog On Parole technique. I think my dogs are messed up. Obviously I messed them up. I am trying to give myself objective advice as an agility trainer but I am a little baffled other than I think I am doing something weird to mess my dogs up. We do fun tricks, they seem excited and motivated and happy to go in the ring. They are amazing when we practice. But we have weird patterns here. I don't think I am a bad handler. But I know I'm not the greatest handler, and clearly not the greatest trainer. I have many successes and handlers I respect tell me I am doing a good job. Even let me run their dog. But, I have a new young dog here and if I am doing something completely crazy and lame I want to fix it NOW before I screw up what might end up being a very talented little dog.

Maybe it's just my shoes? Or my accessorizing? Should I start wearing makeup? Get a boob job? Follow everything Susan Garrett says like I am in a cult? Take the pressure off the dogs and just do a bit of a run and leave the ring and play? Is it a customer service issue? Heidi Klum? Aack, the karma is catching up with me for being a mean lady? Damn, it's always something.