You say Madera, I say Near Fresno.

So you have been wondering, all weekend I know, how did Team Small Dog fare at the dog agility show in Madera? Was Super 8 Motel really 2 better than Motel 6? Would there be zombies, or even worse, race car noises there? And perhaps you also recalled, that Hobbes, super coolest border collie of the world, was needing only 1 little Q in Masters Standard to finish his Lifetime Achievement Platinum. Only the highest award in USDAA, only 500 Q's. And you remember that Hobbes is not my dog, I am just his stalker. His actual owner and dog Trainer, he got most of those 500. But that maybe it was going to be my job again to get that last Q, or to not. Or maybe you were just wondering about whether or not to have a momosa with your fried eggs instead of just boring old juice. And you know I brought champagne for just in case of the LAA Platinum actually occurring this time.

First of all. Madera used to be this rural country fairground, with trees and fields, and a giant car racing track next door. Now the directions to get there are drive through Los Banos where there are millions of crappy new tract houses built ready to be foreclosed on, drive to near Fresno, turn at Walmart, drive through the construction for more Walmarts and houses to foreclose, then there is a little grass and tree patch there where you can have a dog show. Our rural California ag lands are turning so wrong and make me want to cry and anguish what do we ALL NEED at Walmarts and their gazillion minions?

So. Are you wondering more about Hobbes or the small dogs? I suspected as much. OK. Here's how the 26" Masters Standard went down. It is my theory, being a bad dog trainer, that Hobbes's intelligence is so superior to mine that he sees the table when he's waiting for his turn, and decides to knock a bar before the table, does a nice down on it, and then sometimes gets run out of the ring for some chicken since he already has 5 faults and he did a nice table so give him a prize. Um, did I mention that Hobbes has this neurosis about the table? He may be perfect and I love him like a stalker should, but he has some idiosyncracies.

Rob already thinks I am nuts, so he just says, do whatever the hell will get him to go clean. Also he has been working hard on his jumping skills recently, since he is a good dog trainer and not reliant on voodoo and hair brained theories about the mind of the genius species border collie. But at this point, I have been dragging champagne around for a while and let's just get that Q. So I don't let him see the ring until it's his turn.

So he is going around and he has not hit a bar. I am like not saying a word since I am one of those calling over bar types. You know I have the only 12" dog that hits bars on a regular basis. Today included. He is getting the contacts. Everything is lovely. He gets on the table. And he does the thing. Hobbes you almost broke my heart right there, your favorite stalker, I take you on walks and let you play with rocks and cigarette butts and twigs. He just stands there staring at me. So all I can think of to do is slowly lower myself down staring into his eyes, down to my knees, using all my psychic abilities that I don't have but just trying to be all Amazing Kreskin like and levitate his standing up self into a down.


He does it. We finish. It's clean. Hooray for Hobbes and Rob on their biggest, hugest award you can get! I am proud to be a teensy part of it.


OK. So moving on. Next dog. Ruby, you were on fire. You were awesome. But you hit some bars and that cost us some Q's. And a refusal at the poles based on your personal neurosis/nemesis in Masters Standard (but thanks for an awesome table and no bars in there!). But aside from 2 bars and that pole moment, she ran better than she has in a while, and her jumpers, where of course, according to my custom, it was the LAST BAR, was just wonderful and fun and fast and I even was DEAD QUIET over every bar but you just had to throw that in there because you keep me honest and ADCh free.

My friend Otterpop. You blew me away with your FAST snookers run. And then, at the very end, in the closing 7 bit, I sent you in a contraband tunnel. But I was so proud of you and your maturity level and non paranoia! I thought, wow! She has turned over a new leaf! All our practice. And confidence building. I have become a good dog trainer! And then it was her turn for standard. And in she went, and over a bunch of stuff, doing allright, and into the poles. Where the judge happened to be standing. And Otterpop, she of poles I am actually Super Proud Of, looks at the judge harder and harder every pole until she pops out at 10, runs to the judge and barks in her face. And the judge looks at me, VERY STINK EYE, and says, "You are excused." You are thinking, oh, a starters dog. No. Otterpop is in masters. Yep.


Shamed. I was shamed. I picked her up, didn't say a word, marched her in my arms to the car and left her there. Until Jumpers, where she had a great, fast, lovely and smooth run and not a bobble or eyeball on the judge and there you go. But. I. Was. Shamed. A scarlet B pinned upon my breast for BADLY. BEHAVED. BARKER. BUTTHEAD.

Moving quickly on. Gustavo. I am very proud of us both. Me that I finally devised a way to keep you in the xpen with everyone and no more escaping ever. You that you stayed in the pen and were of course charming and well behaved every time you got to go hang out. Had I actually watched the whole DVD of Crate Games instead of drinking margaritas, this would of course not be an issue that he wants to escape whenever I run a dog. I have the Crate Games-esque Lite version of Puppy Rocket Launcher Pod I used to do with him to teach him to jump and go out to stuff, launching him to and from his crate on the agility field. But because of margaritas and short attention span of myself, he does not stay put in jail all by himself unless it involves a lid and clamps and such. Sorry dogs that you are in jail so much of the day but you kind of don't seem to mind.


And then we drove home into the wind. Oh, I had a medicore, bar hitting Steeplechase finals with Hobbes, probably won Rob enough money for a couple gallons of gas, but it's ok I guess. He has a Prius. And a LAA Platinum.

When agility also includes a trip to the eye doctor.

Like I would take her to a dogpthamologist? And make her wear prescription doggles?

I know. I bitch because I'm too busy to train the dogs, then 5 minutes later I'll tell you about training the dogs. I just want more time to train the dogs. See one thing of dog agility is, you meet some retired folks. They are genuinely, positively, retired. With enough money somehow to take their rv somewhere like a vacaton, train the dogs, go out to lunch, pretty much whatever they want and not go to work. This is the lifestyle I aspire to! The retired person lifestyle! Except for the little issue of, being self employed and all, I might be working my fingers down to milkbones like forever til I kick it. With my boots on.

I would be a very busy retired person, just would not have to constantly ensure that people are writing me checks on time and for ideally large amounts of money. I would actually probably do all the things I do now except with way different hours and proportions of time allotted to things. Like my ranch would be at my house and I wouldn't have to have a gazillion customers, just a few that are nice. And dog agility would be at my house so I could practice whenever I wanted. And the art studio is at my house and clean so I can go in there and work on projects and always find the fresh xacto blades. And so on. And so forth. I just didn't do the right prep work to be a retired wealthy person, like I am picturing here. Let me go watch the Secret again.

But I did practice with the dogs some today. And 2 of the dogs kept hitting a double jump, from wherever we were jumping it. Otterpop is bad with spread jumps, aka oxers for you horse folk. She is just not scopey. Ruby just leaves long and exuberantly to cause her bar knocking. Otterpop is just plain old not built to jump. If she were a car, she'd have big fat hotrod tires in back and little teensy tiny ones up front and purple fur on her dash and little pompoms jingling and candy apple red glittersparkle paint and a shiney chrome chain steering wheel better for her hippity hop otterpop down the road. Yeah, you make that clear those spread jumps without knocking a rail every time. A scopey horse feels aethletic, and has an arc and a great hind end push off the ground. Otterpop is just a solid little tank built for low to the ground for speed but not really jump style. I'll speak to my breeder about that.

Ruby is now and always has been a chronic bar knocker. I did a lot with groundpoles and spread jumps in our younger days and nothing really helped except moving her down to Performance. The switch from being the tiniest 16" dog to an average size 12" performance dog helped, and my ego is pretty much over that switch. Let's just say it all together. There is nothing to be ashamed of having a Performance Dog. She is a lot happier with lower jump height and rarely knocks bars (but sometimes does). She just always has left long-like there is another stride left in there and she doesn't take it. That's what I'd say if she were a horse. Jim never could figure it out. He always asks how her eyesight is. Damned if I know. Like I'm going to get her glasses? If I remember to regulate her pace (ie, slow her down-sucks) I can sort of get that stride in, like when it is Very Important to Get Out of the Ring Clean. But if she is just hauling ass and I sorta forget this, chance of bar. But way less chance as 12". And in Performance, no triple bar!

The horse trainer has the dogs that jump bad. Fantastic!

I can't really say much about Gustavo's jump style. I keep the bars really low right now and he either does little grids, learning to look forward and balance himself (my little pony) or is learning to focus ahead and hold a start line stay then DRIVE at a single jump that he has actually looked at. That's all he's doing. We go REAL SLOW with my special ed pup. It will work, and he will be fantastic but just have to pick one thing and work that til he gets it before moving on. And I guess you could say I have a bit of a bar knocking paranoia now so this fella is going to have a little bit more attention to how he jumps.