It's like you know, all emo girl, like but, like without the hair.

So is this thing on? Can you hear the soundtrack here? I am channeling Black Sabbath and singing you the classic rock tune Paranoid. You guys all know that one. Think of me as sort of a folk singy Emo girl wearing a stain resistant skort instead of pegged pants and silver stud belt with creepers. With some liver treats in the pockets. How did I go all emo girl? You know them, they are like the myspace version of Morrisey girls from the '80's, of which I never was. Late bloomer. I feel all these new tattoos coming on. Like a new hobby! Folk singing of classic rock hits and tattoo getting. Perhaps because to take the place of dog agility which, to quote Ozzy, you will laugh and I will cry. When you hear the kind of weekend I had. A weekend that has me reverting to quoting Ozzy Osborne. We may be hitting some kind of rock bottom here.

I mean really. After watching a bunch of runs, my agility pal and role model of good dog trainer, and who is a genuine doctor of PhD, says, scratching his head, "Maybe it's not your dogs, maybe you need to go into therapy?" Sort of sums up the whole dog show weekend. And makes tattoo collecting sound better and better. And has me brushing up on my guitar strumming in hobby change preparedness.

Like let's take Ruby. How about 1 run manic speed with no control, 1 run frozen can't move off the startline, 1 run lopes slowly around, 1 run half slow, half speed and speed crashing through jumps. Cannot do a-frames anymore and runs around them. Like no pattern. No reason I can find. Nothing we ever seen in training. Just this whole bipolar weekend of insanity. I doubt any Q's. Have no idea.

Like Otterpop. Who reverted to judge staring, freaking and barking. Until I HAD IT and with one last little bark, pulled her out of the ring and marched her to the car and stuck her in there, jail time. Which sadly worked and she ended up with a bunch of Q's but still. That's just no fun. Dog punishing by locking up in a car because she hates a judge? I could be at home practicing the chords for Foghat songs and drawing tattoos of frozen in the headlight deer standing in line art landscapes. That take up whole, entire backs.

Otterpop at dog shows is not the dog I usually do agility with. Same with Ruby, at least at this dog show. Agility is super fun with my dogs. But these weirdo Stepford dogs, 26 faces of Eve dogs, creepy girl twins out of the Shining bloody elevator dogs, I could do without.

So I dunno. Hi all you Bayteam and SMART pals that come and say hi and hope I don't go to jail this week. More on that later. You guys all see my dogs. Usually I'm like, whatever. My dogs are weirdo, I dunno, life goes on. This weekend, closest I ever got to dogs making me sit down in my portable dog agility chair from Target and go all weepy and and write bad poetry in bic rollerball on my sneakers. Drama queen. Frustrated over a stupid dog show when polar bears are floating around on tiny ice cubes and John McCain is counting his houses on 2 hands. Like I'm not crammed into the Superdome forced to drink my own urine. But still. When I sent Hobbes up there on that dogwalk instead of in the tunnel, just wanted to crawl in a gopher hole and turn in my soccer cleats to either of the Crew Chiefs Mary. Trade them for some raffle tickets to win a shrink wrapped basket of biscuits, and leave that place, barefooted and off to the tattoo shop.

How to Get a Tattoo for Dog Agility Ladies-A primer.

First of all, I worked hard at getting a tattoo. Been planning it for years. Had hundreds of different drawings and fussed and fretted and never did it. Was worried I wouldn't like it in 10 years and abandoned ship. Figured now by the time this one is old and fadey, I will be too.

I am a total tattoo stalker, possibly weird for someone not tattooed. I like to stare at your tattoos, and critique them silently and ruthlessly. I am picky. Putting that MFA to good use and have learned to spot a nice tattoo like a needle in a haystack. because many tattoos you see might be crappy! That's right! Sorry if you have a tattoo I think is crappy. I think a lot of design and art is crappy, so it's not just you. So you gotta make sure you find a tattooer that is allergic to crappy. In a good shop. Where you all share a similar aesthetic.

Maybe a shop like Samuel O'Reilly Tattoo Shop in Santa Cruz. In the cute gray house right on Hwy 1. Maybe you drive by it every day and you see the tatttooed people smoking on the porch in all black clothes. Where they only do custom work and I am told no one there does crappy tattoos ever. The boss, Klem, had a waiting list til November to get a tattoo, but I only had to wait til August for my appointment with Eduardo. And I had carefully scoured his stuff on his website and thought he looked skilled. Wanted someone skilled and ideally with some gray hairs and a long life of tattooing already. If you said to Eduardo, "Hey, make up any you tattoo want on my arm!" he would probably prefer to do a super creepy and ghouly skull, because you can never have too many skulls. But he is a longtime pro, and is happy to do good tattoos even if aren't creepy.

Edu, you are a nice man and I am proud to say you are my tattooer. Most customers are not dog agility ladies that come in armed with a stack of sketches and drawings and printouts of good and bad tattoos and want to sit there for an hour and discuss. And draw on top of your drawing. It was my way of interviewing him. I am picky. He is stabbing a permanent drawing with needles onto my arm. I can be picky. I told him I was sort of a mean lady and he thought that was funny. I was the only one in there without neck tattoos and letters on my fingers and an all black outfit-slimming! They were still nice to me. Their shop is a freakishly clean, restored old home and all the guys have carefully restored vintage cars and trucks and bikes and that made me feel happy instead of some goth place with ugly wall finishes that does a lot of walk-in fairy tattoos. There are no walk-in fairy tattoos at Samuel O'Reilly's. Or ugly finishes. Sorry my friends, if you have a fairy tattoo. Do you still like it?

So after enduring my long winded list of every abstract concept and aesthetic device in terms of tattoo style I needed in one little tattoo, I gave him my stack of drawings. And then I started emailing Edu more drawings and sketches and photos of the perfect horseshoe and more ideas. We ended up editing the idea down considerably so it would fit on my arm under my shirt. I am very worried about sun fading my tattoo since I work outside. Plan ahead! They fade! And think concise. You might have ideas for more tattoos, don't throw 'em all in one if you are not doing your whole back or your whole arm. I think I am set for a whole back's worth of tattoos someday. I totally see why people have them EVERYWHERE now.

It is highly likely you will be the only dog agility lady in there getting your tattoo. And it might be at night. Tattoo folk seem to be night folk. Like us at Dirt Nite! Don't worry. If it's a nice shop, they will be nice to you. I liked hanging out in there and listening to complicated and heated discussions about where the skeleton hands should go on the drummer's tattoo. It is like being a graphic designer except you are going to permanently stab it on skin. Way harder I think. And make sure you like your tattoo artist. You have to sit there with them stabbing you for hours to get your tattoo. It would be good for your tattoo if your artist likes you, too. We liked each other, right Edu? How many dog agility ladies do you tattoo every week? Right! Not Very Many! He says I will be back for more. Thinks I am a total tattoo lady. We'll see. I guess I have that whole back free as of now.

Here is one fact you have always wanted to know. No, it does not hurt. At least where I got mine on my arm. Like not even a stitch. Dental work is like 50 million times worse. It is actually sort of cool, the whole time you are thinking, "Wow those needles are drawing into my skin foreverness" and it makes you HAPPY! Love tattoos! Although, if you want a tattoo on your neck, that would hurt. There is the badass factor of only badass tattoo people get them on their neck so you don't care about the pain even though it hurts. Sort of a little insider tattoo fact there for you, if you were thinking of a neck tattoo. I am thinking, no neck tattoo. Not even for the badass factor.

Also, Edu told me many warnings about bacteria and dirt and infection and lotion. Things you do not normally hear from a big guy in all black with tattoos on every square inch of his skin. And neck. I don't want an infected Timmy tattoo! I am washing and lotioning exactly like you said, Edu.

It's simple and classic. A lucky horseshoe, and a memorial banner for my Timmy. Black and gray, goes with everything. Will heal in a couple weeks and I know I will love it as much as I do today. And maybe even more. Timmy forever goes with me, I look down, and left, and he's right there.