Cooking With the Team-Sickly Little Dog Edition

Dog been barfing for 3 days. Has to eat the magic secret recipe of dog health. This is totally up my cooking alley. Culinary lame-asses, you will like this too.

First, stop at Safeway on your way home and get some chicken baby food. And you will find out that the baby food aisle is conveniently located on the cookie aisle. Who was the marketing genius that figured that out? So get cookies too, and you can eat those on the way home, but whatever you do, don't give them to the barfing dog.

Then, stop at the Thai place on your way home and get some steamed rice. They do it up nice there. I recommend Sabieng Thai for the closeness to my house, but you could also go to the Chinese food place too. And also if you are stopping at the Thai place, you could get some fresh spring rolls and peanut butter high fat sauce. If you finished off the cookies already, you can eat these on the rest of the drive home. Whatever you do, don't give them to the barfing dog. And don't try to use the peanut butter high fat sauce as a dip in the car. Trust me on this one.

Put the rice and some baby food in a bowl. If dog is getting an appetite back and isn't barfing it up, finally, dog not sick no more. Then you can enjoy the rest of your cookies and spring rolls, if any are left, for your dinner.

I have this feeling. That this recipe going to incite some emails from those of you who shake yer head and go, that Laura. Damned IDIOT. Saying it like this. ID-EEE-YiT!! Didn't she even think about this could be a lot more serious than just dog barf? Liver damage? Obstruction? Maybe your sickly little dog ate an entire tube top or a man bikini that is wrapping around chunks of guts. Yes. If your dog's stomach feels weird and there's pain along with the barfing, then go to your vet. Or maybe you have vet friends and you can completely irritate them and make them late with your dog gastrointestinal questions but they will help you decide, emergency vet for xray and bloodwork, or just stick with secret magic recipe of dog health.

After a couple days of recipe of dog health, Gustavo is perky again. Perky. A nice way to say freaky, leapy spazzola. And there he goes! Was sort of weird and quiet at home with no little insane fox-like creature leaping around and around and around and around. Carry on!

Cooking with the Team - F**king Bundt Cake

So to prove I am a true Valentine, I told Gary I would make him a nice dinner. And what does he request?

Bundt cake and enchildadas.

O-kay. That's what your husband or wife says, too, right?

Well, not to worry. Because I am going to help you through the bundt cake part. Enchiladas? That can wait til another day. Go get some from the taqueria if you really need 'em by tonite. Today's project, baking.

We have had other baking debacles in the past. Perhaps you remember the Crack Cakes? Poor little children. Perhaps we should all forget the crack cakes. Let's. Erased. So just follow along with me here, and by the end, you may or may not have bundt cake. Just saying. Keep you in a little bit of suspense.

So the plan was to wear a pantsuit and platform shoes and basically, try to dress like Rhoda. Because I believe she was the Era of the Bundt Cake. But just the shopping for ingredients in the pouring rain was super taxing, and Gustavo had to go be a therapy dog, so all we could muster was a Track Suit. Eachan, are you taking note? I am baking bundt cake in a track suit. Sweat pants.


First thing, you need the Bundt Pan. We had this. Why? I have no idea. Gary says once upon a time I made this cake for him before. I have lost this part of my memory and the only proof is this pan, in the cupboard. You will notice mine not buttered. Butter your pan NOW! Because you will not be sad like I was at the end of the whole fiasco and start dumping in the batter and then remember to butter. F**king bundt cake.


Next you need the chocolate. I got the expensive kind and the Trader Joe's kind. Thought I would mix and match and still tell Gary I used the Sharfen Berger. He is a chocolate snob. I am all about the quantity, not quality. You need a double boiler. I just stuck some water in a pan and put another pan on top and called this double boiler which worked great until the chocolate started doing weird chemistry things. Not sure if that was supposed to happen.


This is the Trader Joe's chocolate. I think it works just fine.


Next thing there is sifting. I had to go and get a sifter. Six bucks I paid for a sifter. Who sifts? But I am trying here, kittens. I may not be able to follow a dog training DVD but I am trying to do this recipe. At first, sifting fun. You stick your flour and baking powder and soda and salt in here and just squeeze the handle.


Over and over, you squeeze the handle.


I mean really. How long is it supposed to take to sift? I hate you, siftter.


Crap. Don't forget the coffee. Which is supposed to be melting with the chocolate in the double boiler which keeps boiling over. Look who's on the coffee cup!


Put in the coffee. Crap. It's only 1 Tablespoon. Shit. The chocolate will be extra coffee tasting, maybe. F**king bundt cake.


OK. So far so good. Here is where it gets tricky. Do the math. 1/2 pound of butter.


All right. Fiasco begins here. How many sticks? Don't lick the sticks. Uh oh. Let me review that recipe. So I actually thought it said 1/2 lb butter. Which is different than 1/2 cup. So let's just cut to the chase.Thanks a lot, damn dogs. But I used exactly TWICE the correct amount of butter. Here's a math fact for you. JUST USE ONE STICK OF FREAKING BUTTER IN THE CAKE.


Let's just keep going along with the general theme of fiasco at this point. As soon as that mixer comes out, potential for doom. So in hindsight, it is recommended to fold the butter with the sugar, then add the eggs.


Oops. There was this thing about light and fluffy in the recipe. Um. Mine is not light and fluffy. However, let's just keep on keeping on here. Folding should also not be delivering butter mixture all over walls and camera.


Then, don't be fooled. Because you are not done with wet ingredients. I was fooled. I added the flour. HOWEVER, this is where you add the milk and sour cream. F**king bundt cake. This better turn out. There is this thing in baking where you are supposed to do it the way the recipe says OR ELSE. We just keep muddling through. Also add the vanilla. And there was cinnamon to add but the jar just looked like a jar of fish food on the counter and I totally forgot it. We don't have fish. Why would I have fish food out on the counter?


So the cake is called Marble Fudge. So you put your chocolate in half the batter and keep the other half plain. Try to use halves. Somehow my halves were not very halvy and ended up with way more chocolate batter.


You are supposed to put it in the bundt can some special way to make it do the marble thing. By this time, I am so over the whole recipe shit and I just sort of dumped in some plain and some chocolate and shoved it in the oven. Ha HA! You thought I forgot to pre-heat the oven? Well, yes actually, I did. So it took a while to actually put in the oven.


Gawd. What a day. So by the end of it all, did we end up with a cake for my belated Valentine? Yes and no. Looks like a cake. I consider myself very lucky here. Tastes? Um, different than a cake. Sort of greasy, queasy like. Not really chocolate or vanilla or marble or fudge or even bundt. Can't really place the peculiar flavor. Something you buy from a cart at the zoo? Does Beloved Valentine love it? In a polite way. He heard cursing during the butter and wet ingredients and cinnamon portion of the fiasco. Dogs? Yes INDEED! Score one for the Team. They love f**king bundt cake.

Marble Fudge Bundt Cake Recipe

Preheat oven to 325 if it is a dark colored pan, and 350 if it is a light colored pan.*

2oz Bittersweet chocolate
1 TBSP brewed coffee
2 1/4 cup cake flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 cup unsalted butter
1 1/4 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
3/4 cup sour cream
1/3 cup milk

* Right there is your clue. This is not a bundt cake for dummies kind of recipe. BTW, my pan was medium colored. Shit. I got this recipe off the internet. However, you realize I didn't exactly use this recipe because I forgot the cinnamon and used 1/2 pound rather than 1/2 cup of butter. Better luck to you, my friends.

Cookin' With the Team-Good God, It's Vegetables.

All right my friends. I rarely ever do this. But I was at the store and I felt unhealthy, and I went to the vegetable section and purchased vegetables and announced to my husband, "I shall cook a healthy dinner and it will involve vegetables and we will be healthy for once in our lives, goddamnit." He protested, but I believe I may have started doing a crazy robot dance and a super fly rap crazy chanted something about how the taqueria is killing us, so he said maybe, just maybe, just this once he would eat something cooked by me involving some vegetables.


So the other thing I snuck in there is the tofu. Sends shivers down many spines, but it is so very, very healthy. This being Santa Cruz, this would be what we can eat and get away with around here. I believe we refer to this as Regional Cuisine.


I also selected some more green things like green beans and broccoli, for no other reason than I don't hate them and they are easy to cut up.


Don't cry when you do the next part. If you were on Top Chef, it would involve your knife skills and I would have a closeup of my old, dull knife trying to hack through an onion while I try to hold it together and do not weep. Luckily nothing happened today that would incite the weeping. No Timmy almost died, no pitbulls tried to eat my dogs, only one dogwalk contact was missed collectively when I practiced with the dogs. It was a pretty boring yet non traumatic old day.


Be careful because this is real cooking with the heat, and if you happen to forget you left the oil heating in the frying pan it will SIZZLE when you fling the onions into the pan. Flinging is really the only exciting part of all this, so fling away and enjoy. Let's not start oil fires, OK? You try to remember when you put the olive oil in the pan and turn the heat to high and decide to go look for paint in the garage instead of slicing vegetables.


Oh yeah. This might be the other OK part of the cooking. If it is refreshing cool wine, drink on up. Especially if you had a hot, sweaty day out in the dirt at your office. The vegetables will taste better the more wine you drink.


The garlic never hurts either.


And then might as well splash some wine in with the green crap because what the hell. Right Marsha?


Wave at Timmy. I caught him pacing by the kitchen door there. He goes back and forth front door, back door, front door, back door. It's his hobby I guess. Far as he can tell, some drunk lady is catching him and dragging him over to the cooking show set.


Now I was like, what the hell else could I add to this so it looks more like food and not a big pan of green crap with some wine in it that no one is going to want to eat? Canned tomotoes? What the hell.


And I already had some water boiling for the WHOLE WHEAT spaghetti noodles. I heard these make your thighs petite and no gut busting carbs that are like the equivalent of one stick of butter per bite. Like uber healthy. Have to lie to get Gary to eat this dinner for sure. He is so sneaking out for pizza later.


OK, Come on. I made this. I am not kidding you. I ate it too. Gary, maybe not. It wasn't so bad. Tasted like vegetables over some spaghetti noodles. You could try it too. You might even like the tofu part. And no dogs bug you in the kitchen when you make this! They are like so over the whole thing of green things on the counter. Not even trying to get a scrap thrown. You go on and eat your pizza dinner tonight or you try this. I am pretty sure you will thank me when you are so overcome with the healthiness that you can serpentine where you thought not possible before, and put in the most daring front cross due to your new found speed of health.