Tuesday, March 16, 2010

In this branch, occasionally employees bring in moderately dead items with teeth still attached from outside and hide them in secret lairs.


1. Hello and thank you for enrolling in the online universe where some people have flat enough stomachs to go to the beach and can do this somewhere during the week bringing a little cooler full of cool drinks and colorful beach towel with them and others enjoy wearing colorful dog cartoon sweatshirts and love to print the logo in whichever color would look most peppy.

2. For security purposes your login id number has been sent to you in a separate letter which you have already lost, perhaps you can locate it under the drawing of a cat driving a car which someone who wears colorful cat sweatshirts has decided would be absolutely perfect to base the new advertising campaign on.

3. Since you forgot to give out heartworm medicine for a couple months, the penalty is that the vet tech is now going to get quite cross on the phone because she has finally found a way to GET you, and the bill is going to run you hundreds and hundreds of dollars because, good god, lady, you might as well just SLIT YOUR PETS' COLLECTIVE THROATS at this point in your dismal care of God's little furry people friends.

4. When you log in to check your print account files, you will be assured that the internet is no longer working due to the warm spring air trifling in through the open doors, it's soft, floury fingers toying with you cloyingly.

5. If you have had a large box living in the exact middle of the kitchen floor now for at least 4 weeks please press 1. If you did not hear what I just said, please hang up and call again after 10am Pacific Standard Time in this new era of the clocks springing ahead since now we have added an additional 25th hour to the day when we will still not answer the phone but it may be in that 25th hour when we finally provide you with the edited copy so do keep your eyelids propped open with those sharp little sticks.

6. Here are (QTY 14) 1-800 numbers that you can call in case of cultural relevance drop off; kindly make sure you are aware of the new Lady Gaga loves Beyonce girlfriend video where we are now pretty sure she is actually a lady and not a gentleman, and compare and contrast with the new Runaways movie in which they are wearing the same outfit as we did in Junior High but with better hair.

7. If the amount of the final column of numbers is really quite far off from the previous column of numbers, please start again at Instruction Number 1.

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