The TV Olympics has me befuddled.

We're done with Michael Phelps, right? It's all over? No more giant guy in little froggy pants? We are very happy for him, but we can be done now? Did I miss the dog agility? What channel was that on? Did I even watch tv this week? Where's the tv?

The horses are on but they are on at my friend's house. Or the internet. When our tv is on, it seems like it's the Giants again or volleyball? Why is there all this volleyball on my tv with the Giants? Because it is the babes in bathing suits event? The guys are wearing shorts and t-shirts and the girls are in sports bras and little bottoms right there on tv? I just wanted to watch the Jumpers go. Not the bathing suit parade. Olympic sports on my tv all involve bathing suits. Once I saw some 3-Day stuff. Not our bag. Was hoping to maybe see some Jumpers rounds. Except it was Michael Phelps and the sports bras. I think it's Buddhists that say you Don't hope. You either do, or you don't do. So I just gave up on TV Olympics somewhere this week.

I guess if we can't even have the horse Grand Prix guys, the guys out there winning the Big Money Grand Prix's on a regular basis on normal tv, we're not getting dog agility for a while. In horse Grand Prix, sponsored by Rolex. Mercedes. Win serious big piles of money. Dangerous! Dog Grand Prix? A little ribbon, except at the Nationals, a middling pot of money to pay for your airplane ticket. Maybe we need to add the water jump to dog Grand Prix? Would lose too many dogs to splashing joy? Experience the danger of the dicey front cross!

Michael Phelps has a bulldog, saw it on tv. Because he was on it every time my tv was for a while there. Maybe he learns to do dog agility out there in Florida or wherever? He's gonna need a hobby. Because I think after this, he's not gonna need a job.

Some things I could tell you about, but won't in the hopes it is just a phase?

I could tell you about how Gustavo today ran up the teeter, just like he has been for months, then had a moment of panic, bailed off the side and acted from then on as if the teeter totter was the evil yet invisible ghost that lives at the dressage ring up the hill from our deck and causes insane barking. Even though he has been a little teeter freak until this very day, always flying up it and slamming it with gusto and intent after my careful protocall of teaching an always fast and confident teeter totter. Rendering it more tater totter now. The frozen kind they serve in prison. To dogs that bark all day at work at an empty dressage ring and won't shut up.


Or how he found a piece of rotten hunk of meat in the field, where he was doing the criminal act of walking around off leash, and pretended he didn't know me. Stranger Danger! Do not know you and do not need to listen to you and in fact, I could just Run Away From You! Evil lady going to take away meat. Other dogs, who have had their share of bad dog days, looking aghast and smug in their dog trained ways. Sort of like the other day when I was late for a wedding and trying to run out the door and he decided that AHA! Fabulous time to dash through the open gate to climb underneath the car and sit there motionless, like a tiny little squirrel statue. A little lawn squirrel, if you kept your lawn squirrel under the car in an oil puddle. When you were in your backless fat-making dress with sequins and late to a wedding.


But if I told you those things, you would say, maybe you need to Train your dog more? Perhaps you should not be allowed to have dogs and should get something more inert. Bunny. Snake. Leaf collection. And I would just sit down right here and weep. So instead, I will tell you they had a hike the other morning and no one chased any deer. Or joggers. Although in the jogger section of the woods, they stay on a leash. Is the redwood forest that is filled with joggers and odd little bearded homeless men carrying their lives in a ratty backpack. That's the kind of magical woods we have around here. Less deer than the other forest probably, because of the joggers and camping fellows. But grasping at straws here for something nice to say.

We interrupt dog agility for a wedding.

So went to a wedding this weekend.


I was the photographer. I had some help though.


Nice cake.


Nice guests.


Some crazy dancing.


Tons of huge group photos. There were a LOT of people at this wedding.


Because Donna and Birdie have been together for 22 damn years but couldn't get married in our State of California til now.


Just a simple ceremony. Dogs were invited. Um, well behaved dogs.


Reverend Hillary rocked the proceedings.


Ended with a round of applause.


And an official Marriage Certificate.


A big toast.


Right on.

Masters Gambler Seminar with Rob Michalski. Sorry Rob!

This weekend, we went to a seminar. By Rob. Who is one of my agility teachers. And my agility pal. And who happens to own Hobbes, rockstar coolness my favorite border collie in the universe and big huge super gambler's champ.

As opposed to Team Small Dog. Who collectively posesses exactly 3 Master's Gamblers Q's. My non agility friends, we need these Q's to get our ADCh or else we end up with sad, unfulfilled lives, passed out on the floor of the Chelsea Hotel with the police on our way and not sure who's blood that was all over the place and it's not a nice ending to the story. So we need all the help we can get. Rob said he would try to help us, but it was also possible we were beyond help. Like our problems may involve a voodoo curse and could take intervention of zombies to get it off of us. We thought we would go to the seminar anyways. Curse or no curse, we are determined to muddle through and get those gambler's Q's.

Also, it was the super fun wedding of one of my oldest and bestest friends and I was the official Wedding Photographer. Many dogs were invited to the wedding, yet curiously, not Team Small Dog. We were happy the wedding went off without a hitch and no small animals were eaten there, nor any food stolen off the buffet line, no barking at of guests, drinks toppled and no wedding cakes invaded by dog fiasco. Was very smart to not invite Team Small Dog! Although, perhaps not coincidentally to our good fortune in Master's Gamblers, I did manage to kill my dad's camera AFTER the wedding, although I did save all the wedding photos! The camera will have to go to the hospital, a fact of which we mourn. Is sort of like knocking the bar after getting the super hard gamble, my agility friends. A heartbreaking ending to a moment of bliss.

Here are some things we learned this weekend:

It is challenging to go to a Master's Gambler's Seminar after a wedding that contained much wild dancing and perhaps some bottles of wine. Sort of like it was challenging to go straight to the wedding after getting up super early to go to work. After a rehersal dinner/bachelorette party that contained perhaps some bottles of wine. Was sort of that type of weekend.

Since the camera is in the ambulance currently, en route to the camera doctor, we will have to use wedding photos taken with my camera from the grassy knoll after I went off duty as Official Photographer to illustrate important points from the Master's Gambler's Seminar. Um, to Rob's defense, I should emphasize here that I am PARAPHRASING what Rob said here and he would tell you these things somewhat different. Really different. Rob uses the Scientific Method of Dog Training and he has Hobbes, and I use the Team Small Dog method and I have a hangover.


Consitency, consitency, consitency. If it smells like a pinwheel, your dog should get it that there's a pinwheel. Use your Dumbo Ride arm and get your dog out there. But make sure it really does smell like a pinwheel and you are not violating the Law of the Refusal Line. Discrimination? Arm out or shoulder in. Deal with your Refusal Lines and Discriminations, people, to figure out how best to do your gamble.


Consitency, consitency, consitency. Footwork. OK, you were pointing to the right place, pushing perpendicular to your dog's path, not the obstacle. Still didn't go out to the tunnel? Where were your feet pointing? Did you accessorize the bottom of your outfit to the top of your outfit so the whole outfit says tunnel, not just your blouse? Shoes matter!


Otterpop is not retarded, she can do the hard gambles as soon as everyone is NOT LOOKING and has gone to sit at the far end of the field and I have proof from Mary who secretly watched out of the corner of her eye. Otterpop was the one that got the dogwalk gamble first! Good god, someone help me remove this zombie curse.

That time when she tried to explain the politics of Russia and Georgia to us.

Well, I tell you about dog training all the time, I might as well explain what's going on in Georgia for you. I do have a lot of years of college under my belt. Like a genuine Masters Degree. Maybe in making art projects, but still. I was in the gifted program in elementary school, until removed for something. Don't quite recall what. Possibly for having a big mouth. Or doing something illegal. It's all a blur. Must have gotten ungifted somewhere. But I know you are all busy out there teaching YOUR puppies to do their straight weave poles. While I'm just sitting here watching the news. Olympics. Project Runway. DVD's of HBO's Carnivale my new favorite thing to watch on tv!


So say you have a big couch, and Otterpop considers it all hers. Even though Ruby just wants to sit on a corner of it. And really, it is NOT Otterpop's couch, it is mine. In Otterpop's universe, I = DOG. Spell that out backwards. All Caps. Because I can make all Caps now! I love my beer free computer! So, I buy the couches around here. Holder of the Master Key to the Universe Known as Visa Proud Sponsor of the Olympics. And we have had this couch longer than Ruby or Otterpop. Really it was Timmy's couch! And it isn't even stained. But has to wear a polarfleece cover over the seat to keep it sort of clean and not chewed up. Although Gustavo has chewed on the corners of it's throw pillows.


And Gustavo, he sits on a corner of it too. No problems. But Ruby, is more of a problem. Because Otterpop and Ruby have a long and complicated history together. Sometimes they share a pig ear. Sometimes one of them steals it. Ditto with the rawhide. Ditto with the special chewy made of private parts hacked off cows before they turn into Gary's burger. Sometimes they get in a tussle for the delectable chewies, other times they share. This goes on for years and years. There have been a couple actual dog fights over the years, but then they are like super best friends forever 2 minutes later. It has been a year of friendliness, as long as Ruby stays on her corner of the couch.


Also let's say this is a little more complicated because Ruby is part terrier and part I dunno. And Otterpop is part chihuahua and likely cattle dog and part I dunno. And Gustavo is Untested Breed. All caps. So they all go to different churches! But somewhere down the line, share same genetics. Except maybe Gustavo. Because he has no genetics. Mercifully free of DNA. He is like NATO. Ruby wants to join his club. But really, still shares some of that different yet the same genes as Otterpop.

And they just keep doing crap to make each other crazy. Someone steals the Rainbow Squeaky Ball! Someone took the last squrirel that actually had a squeaky in it and chewed it out and threw the stuffing everwhere. Someone is just jumping off and on the couch over and over barking and running across the house and back on the couch and it is so fast and doesn't he ever get tired of that? And now they are all playing with toys together and it is small dog bliss and now someone is mad and MUST have that toy now and MUST sit on this couch alone. They all just either drive each other nuts or play nice. I can't always tell. Mostly depends on all our moods.


Let's say Gary is George Bush. DO NOT tell him I said that. But he is like, "Hey Ruby, you should have your corner of the couch," and wants to throw Otterpop off her corner. Oh MAN does that make Otterpop mad. Like why is GARY getting mixed up in all this, it's not even his couch. OK, in reality it is because we're married but I am pretty sure I put that couch on MY credit card so we'll just say it's mine. But I am not trying to be a couch hog if you are reading this Gary! Share and Share alike, I am not like Otterpop, really!


Do you see how complicated this is? As president of our living room, I think I'm just going to move all the dogs to the floor and let they stay there for a while. Now maybe Gary read this and he's all How come she says SHE's president of the living room and there was something about some missiles and oil pipelines and you know what? I'm just going to make the dogs go outside and get off the damn couch right now.

Hello and welcome to where I am welcoming you in advance.

This photos doesn't have anything to do with anything. But I just liked it. Also in case you need to recognize me from behind. On my bike.

So it seems like some people who know me from reading about the exploits of Team Small Dog are coming to Santa Cruz-ish locales soon. For Bayteam Regionals, or vacations or work trips. Hi! And I just typed that with a new letter "B Capital B" thank you guy with super crazy insane belt of accessories and indoor fishing cap who talks like a robot and I couldn't understand what you said but I think it meant don't drink beer inside your laptop anymore and why so much dog hair in the computer? You guys are serious travelers. Especially the people coming from far off lands like Conneticut for the Regionals! And you are bringing a small dog that will kick my small dogs' collective asses I believe!

So that part I am resigned to, especially since I have a long standing tradition of totally choking in the Steeplechase Finals at Regionals already. And I can try to collect my Super Q's other places. But I am very excited to meet you all. You will witness my Masters Gamblers curse first hand. I am tempted to tell you all come sleep in my tiny spare bedroom with new carpeting and then my husband is like, "Um. Wait. You told some people from the INTERNET to come and sleep in our bedroom with no bed and no door and you didn't build the shelves although you are already plotting to TEAR OUT THE WHOLE BACK WALL BY YOURSELF TO PUT IN A NICE GLASS PASSAGEWAY TO OUR DEAD BACKYARD?"

So yeah. Maybe you can't stay at my house. It is really small. And I don't dust my antler and plastic horse and pine cone collections enough. There are dogs running amuck at all times and they make loud, irritating noises. And by Regionals, god knows if we have a wall anymore because I love love love my crowbar so much and Sunset Magazine. I'll be at Regionals the whole weekend so the day before is the perfect time to start ripping out an exterior house wall! But you guys are going to all come find me right and introduce yourselves, right?

To recognize me, I am the only lady with 3 small black dogs marching around at the trial. Unless there's more of us. Then, sorry other lady with 3 small black dogs. I just sent you stalkers. Don't confuse me with Arlene, who has 2 of them. And hers aren't twins. Ruby and Otterpop sort of are. Until you know them then you know the secret of Otterpop is Unpleasant and Speckly and Ruby is has no tail and is trying to steal your treats. Scientific Formula=Otterpop=popsicle=popsicle stick=tail. Super easy secret of telling them apart. And Gustavo. No one else looks like him. Look for a border collie chihuahua. Untested Breed. He isn't entered. We are still plotting his debutante ball of dog agility and teaching him to be short at the measuring table. And teaching him to sit while his collar comes off and not go into drunk frat guy toga party mode. And weave poles. He mostly walks around and sits on people's laps and plays frisbee and runs away. Maybe you will find him for me if he escapes from his crate! Usually I am doing highly important jobs such as fluffy the chute. Set the bars. Carry the scribe sheets. Well, someone's gotta.

Uh, and I look like your basic dog agility lady. Probably wearing a ballcap. Tattoo all covered up so no sun damage. Sometimes a giant border collie pulling me around too. Unless I have caused him a phobia and don't get to run him anymore. I tend to carry a dirty old orange flying squirrel frisbee around like another pet. Maybe I'll be wearing a skort. Because now I have 2! And i love to say that word. Skort skort skort skort skort. I have chubby knees though. I might be running from the parking lot super fast because I came straight from work and am missing my walk through for the Grand Prix. You would think all that running gets rid of knee fat but maybe unfortunately not.

The dog phobiaizer.

I think I finally figured it out. I had a birthday a few weeks back. I got older. And wiser. And I think I have figured out that I am a dog phobia giver, so sort of like a parallel universe to the dog whisperer. The dog phobiaizer. Dog whisperer, he whispers or something, things to make the dogs perfect and act with manners and grace. The dog phobiaizer, let's just say something along the lines of opposite of whispering. Last night at Dirt Nite, it all became clear.

I have Gustavo who has developed an aversion to the icky polymer coating that makes our own dirt at Dirt Night so charming. Who's dislike of coming out into that covered arena is getting weird and he twitches and itches and scratches and looks like a little phobia nutcase out there with some kind of condition. Sort of like tourettes for tiny little dogs.

I have Otterpop, who has developed a freakish aversion to Hans, one of the nicest agility husbands in the history of the universe who sits on the deck near where she stays parked. My non agility friends, we have parking places for our dogs, just like you do at your office. We park them and tie them up on ropes to a pole and Otterpop's phobia now causes her to bark her head off at Hans if he moves a muscle.

Ruby, I gave her phobias long ago and she is just one big walking bundle of phobia no matter what. They wrote the book on phobia on her. OCD, hypersensitive, you name it, she is totally phobia-ized. It is a wonder she can function at all. Sometimes being out in the cool night air and fog at Dirt Nite bring them all to a head and she runs around and has to pat the same place on the ground, sniff it, circle back and do that 2 or 3 times once she's started. Totally weird and obsessive and becoming clearer is a genuine phobia.

Even Hobbes. Rockstar among border collies. Who are known for phobias, indeed. Likely a perfect breed of dog for me. He is getting a new one for Dirt Night caused by my weird phobia handling and started some weird and spacey things last night. And then other dogs I didn't even handle, I start seeing them do weird things out there. When I am standing out on a course to set some jumps or fluffy the chute. And I realize it. Uh oh. I am giving out phobias even when I'm not running the dogs.

So here I am with this pack of phobia dogs, and have had the realization now that there is some kind of perhaps astrological tie in to the correlation between dog phobia and voodoo and dog handling and is possibly more than a voodoo curse but actually where the stars are all lined up. And I have this feeling that when I changed ages a few weeks ago due to my birthday, I kicked in this retrograde or gatorade of something due to planets and now I give dogs phobias. And Dirt Nite is also on Wednesday Night, which is also Project Runway Night, when Heidi Klum haunts my tv. And I have long ago wondered about the connection between Heidi Klum and Ruby's weird obsessions and maybe has something to do with the astrology? Does that work, even with the magic I hear of On Demand tv so she can appear at ANY TIME on your own television?

I dunno. A theory. A lot of question marks floating around here. Certainly couldn't be handled by flawed dog training, right? Some of you astrology in the know people, you check for me. Do I need to just go bury my head in the sand for a few weeks or what? And aren't the big dog shows coming up JUST AROUND THE CORNER? Oh boy.

This demonstrates yet another area we have limited talents.

I know. You could go on youtube and search on all these dog training videos and learn how to teach your dog weave poles. Or you buy the dvd. Or you come here and you can find out a really crappy way to teach your dog to weave. YES, It is Dog Training Video Wednesday with Team Small Dog! Where you come to see how NOT to train your dog!

He started out with so much promise. Taught the poles in the driveway, and built them into a sequence. Remember? I'm all, "HI! Watch my squirrel weave like a pro! and I am the Talented Dog Trainer!"

Then somewhere along the line, decided he needs to start learning them straight-er, not even STRAIGHT, I tell you. And started closing them in. Um, like you are supposed to do with the channel weaves. Like I taught Otterpop in like 3 weeks. Like my dog agility students all do like pros.

And my dog, he is like, "Huh? No hablo. Porque you soy squirrel y tu never practice enough con mi."

Totalamente no hablo nada. When it has to do with poles in a straight line.

And now look at what a mess I've made. I've got cages up on straight poles and the offset ones a little open and everything is slow and he throws himself through the straight poles like a tiny little falafel sandwich with no hot sauce. And the falafel balls are falling this way and that. All greasy and on your shirt. Tahini dripping off the sides. And I'm wearing those fat pants from the Gap. And I still have no letter "b" and I am just so sick of copying and pasting and not having the Option or Little Apple key. I mean we are just a wreck here, people.

And this I provide for your viewing enjoyment. I know. You don't even need to tell me. Your border collie learned to weave in 5 minutes. Forwards and backwards and you wear a cape for good times when no one is looking. You just keep having your fun and I'll just sit here with the falafel grease going everywhere and we'll see where we end up.

Transitioning from Channel Weaves to Straight Poles-a primer.

Ha. Maybe this whole thing one reason Gustavo still on offest poles. I will blame it on the muse of the interior decorating.


Remember how the surfer guy next door was helping me make a new closet? And then the surf came up. And his buddy's car needed some work. And it was really hot out. And he ordered a pizza. And had to help his cousin.


And then there were the super easy to put down carpet tiles. So easy if you live in a vintage Eames home and you don't have to vacuum your car for like an hour before just giving up. So easy if you actually fit into the tiny pants at Urban Slavetraders and have a personal vegan chef. Are TORTURE for the rest of us.


And then there were all these dogs helping and a really sharp knife.


And all these little corners. And mouldings. And a non square room. Or level floor. And a nap.


And dogs. With blatant disregard for danger or the high level of craftsmanship that I bring to my projects. High level everywhere except where the furniture is carefully arranged on top of.


Ready to bring the taxidermy in when Gary isn't looking and then be able to actually finish up the office out back. And then knock the whole back wall out and put in french doors and a deck and a whole new ceiling! And change the kitchen floor from the relative to the ugly beige carpet called the ugly pink vinyl. And I guess re-landscape the yard so it all matches. I saw it in Sunset magazine. Looked pretty easy. I have my own crowbar.


Then we get those weave poles ironed out.

All we needed were spandex spangles and go-go boots to make it even Funner.

So he made his debut. At a practice show known as a Fun Match. We all lived to tell the tale. First of all, I didn't even try to take videos or pictures and run 3 small dogs who made up exactly half of the 12" division at the Fun Match. I think I did like 22 runs in under 5 hours. You do the math. So I just took pictures later, after a nice shower and the dogs were all asleep. Without actual dogs. No barking. Clean clothes. And so you can see my new carpet I put in last week. You want the good news or the bad news first?

Sorry if you just said bad news. Gustavo rocks the jumpers course. Ran him over the same jumpers courses as Otterpop and Ruby and he just flew around them like he goes out and does that every day of his life. I sort of almost didn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own 2 eyes. He did start off his first one by predictably running across the whole field for a tunnel, then coming back in and just knocking out the course. FAST. Then just kept doing that. Hello! Where the hell did he come up with that?


And in the standard ring, hit all the contacts except for one when the tunnel was right there off the dogwalk (Has been learning to stop, turn, go into the tunnel. but prefers no stop when a lovely tunnel sitting right there calling the tunnel song) but out there on the standard course, not so easy to run and turn. More distractions, more discriminations (Always Pick the Tunnel!) and more of me stopping and starting and micro managing.

A brilliant insight by new handler yet Ace Agility Lady with Discriminating Eye from Watching Many Years of Agility, Roxie, was, "Well of course he goes in all the tunnels. You give him a treat when he comes out!" Oh yeah. I think I am so happy he is not running 100 miles away or to the beach or after a deer that basically his training method is a treat when not running off to a far off land. So thanks Roxie! Maybe we notice that next time we practice. I have been actually not even putting tunnels out lately at all. Were such an integral part of learning all his other obstacles. I am totally responsible for the little tunnel sucker of my own creation.


So now what was the bad news? How about one escape from the crate to join Otterpop on a course? Oops. Thanks, Crate Games that we never really did. Actually sort of cute, 2 dogs for a chunk of a jumpers run. How about the whole concept of I take off your collar and you come with me to the start line. Not to visit all the dogs waiting for their turn. Or the whole thing of after you run, come with me to get your leash, not to once again make the rounds of all these Dogs! Or another tunnel! Or some bushes! Again sort of funny but not so appreciated. So not really bad news, shall we say more of some things to Address With Further Training? Start lines a little bizarre since we just sort of go out there and GO. I am a pretty fast runner but I am realizing he may be a whole other class of fast that might entail a leadout. Meaning stays! Uh, maybe Address With Further Training? And learn to do straight poles?


Lots to practice indeed before a genuine dog show. Other dogs? Otterpop just knocked a buncha runs outta the park. Just solid as can be. Ruby, did some runs but not as many, and her longtime dream and suspicion of potential pot of hot dogs in the middle of an agility course was finally realized out there. Unlike a real dog show, my non agility friends, you can carry around wads of hot dogs with you and dump them out wherever you want on the field at this practice kind. Maybe not such a great idea, but not against the law. No assault weapons at dog agility for law breakers. Ruby entered a realm of joyful previously unknown to her yet what she has been imagining her whole agility career could happen if she was really, really lucky. The luck of Timmy for Ruby! Perhaps will haunt us at a later date, but she sure liked it. Maybe even better than musical saws and lumberjacks.

In this episode, Gustavo is off to his first fun match.

Gustavo goes to his first Fun Match today. My non dog agility friends, this is like a pretend dog show, where dogs like Ruby and Otterpop brush up on skills to practice for the dog shows coming up. And where dogs like Gustavo run around and make people like me look like really crappy dog trainers better suited to pursuits like sitting quietly in a chair and getting tattoos. Reading. Pool hustling. Record collecting. Anything but.


To get ready, Gustavo spent a good part of yesterday barking at himself in the mirror. He doesn't bark at much. Himself in the mirror and pumpkins on the porch and invisible ghosts up at the dressage ring at work. Pretty much it. A little quirky, you are thinking. Indeed. He barks at his freako things, the other dogs, who bark at actual things like the True Danger Known as Mailman, they just sit there and stare at him. Weirdo. Gustavo actually likes the mailman. Weirdo.


When we practice, he does courses and contacts and serpentines and threadles and so forth. Everything the other dogs do, except for his poles. He is basically still shredding the bmx course on a tricycle poles wise. Only fast and speedy when they have their little training wheels of being offset. Straight poles, they're different things, according to him. Like that dog that was sitting in the mirror barking at him all day. A little quirky? Indeed.

This Olympian Project Runway episode Brought to you By capital letter B.

So NBC sells the designers to China. They are off to the giant new stadium called the Chicken Basket to design costumes for the athletes who will march in following the performance By every single memBer of the Chinese army. It is like WOWness! Giant dance numBers with 5000 dancers in light up costumes running around and Banging drums on a 6 mile long rollup LED screen. The likes of which we've never seen. Sort of like Circque de Soleil, the Epic Version goes to Burning Man desert as produced By the Chinese army But directed By Tim Burton But censored By Celine Dion and the Board memBers with nice taste. Totally weird. And BIG! The designers all sit there and Blayne is still rattling on aBout tanning. You are in CHINA dude! Check out this epic of BIG around you. You get your own sweatshop to Build your outfit!

So they hide a tiny sweat shop under each designer's taBle, all these scared little slave children with Bleeding fingers huddled under each designer's ankles, and take off to an IKEA factory that the set decoraters made look just like Mood. Everyone Buys red, white and Blue faBric except for Stella who gets Black faBric and plans to use someone else's red, white and Blue scraps. Ralph Lauren is Bound and gagged and shipped to Taiwan. The top designer's outfit will Be forced on the poor Coke swilling, Big Mac stuffed atheletes to march around in the Chicken Basket in front of the whole world while 60 million fireworks go on overhead and Celine Dion is flying around on wires overhead screaming at them. So what do they envision as suitaBle for this?

How aBout a circus outfit with a floppy hat? Jerrell is totally insane. The heart must go on. How aBout a purple cocktail frock? Daniel Vosovic, you were a snotty shit this week and don't deserve your own sweatshop. I think your parents might already own one. How aBout a little numBer that could also Be worn to sell airplane tickets at the airport after the plane has already left and you don't even know it? You are getting Aufed for that one, one of you Brown haired girls. How aBout giant, high waisted, unflattering pants that will swallow the tiny gymnasts up whole? Korto just says, screw that. Put the whole gymnastics team in one pair of pants. See if I care, Because I'm in China now and I'm winning this shit. Joe says wear a skort! A super ugly skort I wouldn't ever wear to dog agility yet was mayBe ordered already for the whole world team to wear to dog agility. Wait til Ashley with Luka sees that.

Tim Gunn, last seen with Apolo Ohno. Who was the only athelete they could get Because all the summer ones at McDonald's training camp sponsored By Visa. The only card accepted at the Chicken Basket. Let the games Begin! Sorry Ralph Lauren, you will get untied to watch the dressage.

A month so busy with things that all require having a letter B.

August is sort of the end of summer, and all this stuff gets crammed into the end of summer because it has to happen, well, before summer ends. The big dog shows are at the end of the month, I bet some of you readers are even coming for one of them- the Bayteam Regionals. People come from far away for that one. Four days of big huge dog show. Which take place super close to my work! Meaning I can go to every single day! And still go to work. Very glamorous, the team small dog style of dog agility.

But there are other things. My other dog club's dog show the week before the regionals. A wedding to go to. Therapy dog visit. A masters gamblers seminar. Gustavo's very first fun match is this Sunday. Which is the exact same day as the Internantional Musical Saw Festival at Roaring Camp, which is the lumerjack steam train place. And there are all these giant vaulting horses out at the fairgrounds, right by my work, for the National Vaulting Championship. GIANT horses that canter in a circle while gymnasts in costumes leap around on and off their back's. Circus tricks!

Here's your itinerary. Probably I am forgetting a lot of stuff:

Sunday, August 10

Gustavo's First Fun Match, Hollister, CA.
Sure to be entertaining, at the very least. Much running around with a tupperware and likely many tunnels being performed while I am standing there hollering, "GOOOOOOOO!!!!"
Musical Saw Festival with Lumberjacks at Roaring Camp
I had to pick fun match over this. Maybe if I get back in time I cam still go. Musical saws and lumberjacks and trains! Right?

Saturday August 16-D+B Wedding!
I will take all the photos! I will wear a skort so I can crawl around on the ground to do this! I will go to work SO early to get off early and I promise I won't be late!

Sunday August 17
Therapy Dog Day for Gustavo
Master's Gambler's Seminar with Rob
In which we will go and learn secrets to turn our dogs into Hobbes. Who you can sit in a plastic chair at one edge of a ring, and point out at the other end, casually mention, Jump, Jump, Tire, Tunnel, Poles, and have go and just run across the ring doing the stuff you just asked for. Hobbes is the rocket scientist of border collies. Although Rob already told me most of the problems I have in getting the gambles keeping my dogs from ADChs (such as always hitting the bar out of the gamble, gamblers classes always happening on Saturday while I am at work, ability to perform fancy and tricky gambles practicing the next day AFTER a dog show but not during) are the work of supernatural forces attacking me and will not be addressed. I have a lucky tattoo now so I'm coming to learn some dog training science anyways. And I can always still just do all the fun stuff with Hobbes.

Saturday August 23
Sunday August 24
SMART USDAA in Prunedale
I am glad that my own personal address is not in Prunedale. Prunedale. It's full of sloughs and strawberry fields, never once seen a prune there. What a crappy name someone gave that place. It's the one place I could afford to buy my own ranch around here, that gives you a hint of the popularity of Prunedale. Gary would never move there in a million years. It is a swell place to have a dog show though, and it is a super fast drive to the barn! Allowing a weekend of running of back and forth and missing walk throughs! Along with those gamlers Q's.

Friday August 29
Saturday August 30
Sunday August 31
Monday September 1
Bayteam USDAA Regionals in Prunedale
Did you know the only way I'm typing the letter "b" right now is by copying and pasting it? Different ones for capital or not capital? In this long and newsy itinerary, there have been so many b's and next thursday I relinquish my computer to the computer shop for a new keyboard. Thank god. This dog show is huge, lots of giant motorhomes and faster dogs than my dogs to beat the pants off Team Small Dog. Where I have choked in Steeplechase Finals year after year! This year taking place close to work allowing attendance all days, stressful driving back and forth to work, yet all with my new lucky Timmy tattoo! And better trained dogs. Maybe gamblers curse removed. Will be swell this year!

Jump skills-a primer.

All right. All the time, people ask me, "What highly scientific dog training methods do you use there at Team Small Dog to teach your dogs the magic of the dog agility?"

All right. No one ever asks me that. No one at all. They just think, show up at the dog show, run around fast, and maybe win a prize. Ha! Is called, we try to practice. You know, we go before work, and we go to Dirt Nite. And this weekend, we go to a Fun Match. Practice Dog Show. Where you can take a Gustavo and a tupperware out on the field and run around some. And practice some more with the other dogs since the big dog shows are coming up in August.

How do I decide what to practice? Is based on the highly scientific method of how late to work am I? We do courses at Dirt Nite, so practice time is little drills I carefully plan out at night make up as I go along to cover stuff we might be, ahem, deficit in. Distance. Jumping without hitting bars and doing crackhead handling that scares the dogs. Contacts. Everything with Gustavo.

Here's a nice example for you. A little sequence that has a 270, a threadle, a U-turn into a straight line, a front cross. Sort of like ben and jerry's ice cream that has all the crap in there to dig out. A long island iced tea. but my non dog agility friends, look at how I wiggle and turn and this and that to make the dog leap and turn. There is the magic skills. My tattoo'ed friends, you can do this with or without tattoos and even without a dog and it is called 80's aerobics with Olivia Newton John. Is more cooler with a dog. Can't tell you if having the tatttoo makes it cooler. Possibly not. but maybe luckier?

How to Get a Tattoo for Dog Agility Ladies-A primer.

First of all, I worked hard at getting a tattoo. Been planning it for years. Had hundreds of different drawings and fussed and fretted and never did it. Was worried I wouldn't like it in 10 years and abandoned ship. Figured now by the time this one is old and fadey, I will be too.

I am a total tattoo stalker, possibly weird for someone not tattooed. I like to stare at your tattoos, and critique them silently and ruthlessly. I am picky. Putting that MFA to good use and have learned to spot a nice tattoo like a needle in a haystack. because many tattoos you see might be crappy! That's right! Sorry if you have a tattoo I think is crappy. I think a lot of design and art is crappy, so it's not just you. So you gotta make sure you find a tattooer that is allergic to crappy. In a good shop. Where you all share a similar aesthetic.

Maybe a shop like Samuel O'Reilly Tattoo Shop in Santa Cruz. In the cute gray house right on Hwy 1. Maybe you drive by it every day and you see the tatttooed people smoking on the porch in all black clothes. Where they only do custom work and I am told no one there does crappy tattoos ever. The boss, Klem, had a waiting list til November to get a tattoo, but I only had to wait til August for my appointment with Eduardo. And I had carefully scoured his stuff on his website and thought he looked skilled. Wanted someone skilled and ideally with some gray hairs and a long life of tattooing already. If you said to Eduardo, "Hey, make up any you tattoo want on my arm!" he would probably prefer to do a super creepy and ghouly skull, because you can never have too many skulls. But he is a longtime pro, and is happy to do good tattoos even if aren't creepy.

Edu, you are a nice man and I am proud to say you are my tattooer. Most customers are not dog agility ladies that come in armed with a stack of sketches and drawings and printouts of good and bad tattoos and want to sit there for an hour and discuss. And draw on top of your drawing. It was my way of interviewing him. I am picky. He is stabbing a permanent drawing with needles onto my arm. I can be picky. I told him I was sort of a mean lady and he thought that was funny. I was the only one in there without neck tattoos and letters on my fingers and an all black outfit-slimming! They were still nice to me. Their shop is a freakishly clean, restored old home and all the guys have carefully restored vintage cars and trucks and bikes and that made me feel happy instead of some goth place with ugly wall finishes that does a lot of walk-in fairy tattoos. There are no walk-in fairy tattoos at Samuel O'Reilly's. Or ugly finishes. Sorry my friends, if you have a fairy tattoo. Do you still like it?

So after enduring my long winded list of every abstract concept and aesthetic device in terms of tattoo style I needed in one little tattoo, I gave him my stack of drawings. And then I started emailing Edu more drawings and sketches and photos of the perfect horseshoe and more ideas. We ended up editing the idea down considerably so it would fit on my arm under my shirt. I am very worried about sun fading my tattoo since I work outside. Plan ahead! They fade! And think concise. You might have ideas for more tattoos, don't throw 'em all in one if you are not doing your whole back or your whole arm. I think I am set for a whole back's worth of tattoos someday. I totally see why people have them EVERYWHERE now.

It is highly likely you will be the only dog agility lady in there getting your tattoo. And it might be at night. Tattoo folk seem to be night folk. Like us at Dirt Nite! Don't worry. If it's a nice shop, they will be nice to you. I liked hanging out in there and listening to complicated and heated discussions about where the skeleton hands should go on the drummer's tattoo. It is like being a graphic designer except you are going to permanently stab it on skin. Way harder I think. And make sure you like your tattoo artist. You have to sit there with them stabbing you for hours to get your tattoo. It would be good for your tattoo if your artist likes you, too. We liked each other, right Edu? How many dog agility ladies do you tattoo every week? Right! Not Very Many! He says I will be back for more. Thinks I am a total tattoo lady. We'll see. I guess I have that whole back free as of now.

Here is one fact you have always wanted to know. No, it does not hurt. At least where I got mine on my arm. Like not even a stitch. Dental work is like 50 million times worse. It is actually sort of cool, the whole time you are thinking, "Wow those needles are drawing into my skin foreverness" and it makes you HAPPY! Love tattoos! Although, if you want a tattoo on your neck, that would hurt. There is the badass factor of only badass tattoo people get them on their neck so you don't care about the pain even though it hurts. Sort of a little insider tattoo fact there for you, if you were thinking of a neck tattoo. I am thinking, no neck tattoo. Not even for the badass factor.

Also, Edu told me many warnings about bacteria and dirt and infection and lotion. Things you do not normally hear from a big guy in all black with tattoos on every square inch of his skin. And neck. I don't want an infected Timmy tattoo! I am washing and lotioning exactly like you said, Edu.

It's simple and classic. A lucky horseshoe, and a memorial banner for my Timmy. Black and gray, goes with everything. Will heal in a couple weeks and I know I will love it as much as I do today. And maybe even more. Timmy forever goes with me, I look down, and left, and he's right there.

In today's episode, time to share what we got!

It says Timmy. Thanks Edu!

Happy [Letter prior to C yet after A] irthday Gary.

Happy Irthday Gary.


He likes dogs too.


They like him too. Otterpop will howl for you as soon as we start singing the Irthday Song, during which we can actually use missing letter. What a relief.

In this episode, we learn how to type using 25 letters of the alpha-something.

I can't tell you where I took these photos. Not porque it is some kind of important secret, rather porque last night I spilled a cerveza on my computer and the letter located after A and prior to C, if you were singing a song that used those 3 letters, doesn't work anymore. You speak some Spanish, right? So I can still use my computer and type stuff, unless it uses that one certain letter. That's why I have to say cerveza. The real thing I spilled starts with that letter. It's also hard to make a space. I am pounding that spacing key very, very diligently here.


This secret place is known for sand and water and wind and sun. I go there a lot. Dogs run there. They might chase flying animals with feathers. It's a nice place to enjoy a cool drink made from hops and grains and stuff like that.


Oh yeah. And the little key that has an clover and an apple on it doesn't work. You don't have this if you have a pc.


So who knows how to fix malt liquid soaked computer keys? I am pretty sure I am going to need that letter soon.

In this episode, Project Runway once again nearly puts us to sleep.

I went to watch Project Runway on old fashioned analog tape. The problem was, they were wearing rain ponchos and driving around on a double decker bus to get inspiration from New York City at night. Like I almost couldn't stand it. It involved drizzling and arty shots with cheapo digital cameras. And then Keith, the gay mormon from Utah, made this thing out of little scraps of paper. I think they were actually fabric scraps but let's just say they were little scraps of direct mail pieces. And then it was Michael Kors and he came crawling out of the tanning booth with Blayne and before that they had their teeth whitened together, the little hussies. Seems like a conflict of interest is what I think. Both of them baring their teeth at each other on the runway like "grrrrrrrr...tiger!" Whitened and sharpened little pointy teeth, sticking out of orange faces like pumpkins that scare Gustavo. Who was also scared of the giant neon bows that exploded off Blayne's model.

And so then it just made more sense to have a puppet show with the dogs. We decided to act out the demise of Kurt Cobain under the rule of Courtney Love, because I am trying to teach Gustavo that he doesn't really need to be so scared of stuff without Otterpop around. And we all know what happened to poor Kurt. Recently I used scientific method to determine that Gustavo is scared of agility if Otterpop is in the car but he is an insane agility freak when she in his general vicinity. And it is sort of freaking me out in a Kurt/Courtney faux happy on the cover of Sassy Magazine cover only a short time before he had to shoot himself in the head kind of way. So I believe that we will do educational puppet shows on the topic until we sort of wean him from Otterpop. Sort of like homeschooling with the puppets and all. You need puppets for homeschooling, right? Not sure if Heidi and Seal homeschool their carefully bred little brood, or if the rule of Heidi will drive Seal to the same bitter end as Kurt. Certainly not if Tim Gunn is a good friend and talks everyone down off their tree. Kurt just didn't have a Tim Gunn in his life.

Still trying to figure out how to get this across to Gustavo. Hope the puppet show was the right plan.

I only took pictures of dirt.

If I were to qualify the success of Dirt Nite by how many collective bars I caused 3 dogs to drop, or wrong discriminations I sent then into, I would have to say it was somewhat of not a success. To the point of rattling my cage somewhat of how did I become such a train wreck of a handler overnight. But you know, part of The Secret says think positive to get a new bike or your millionaire mansion or your ranch. So I would say last night, there was a huge success in amounts of dirt! Also, someone brought a cake. I'm no Stella Ramone doomsayer over here, magic Secret of millionaire ranches.


And having nothing to do with dirt, the lady who fostered Gustavo before he was mine, all mine, called me and said she has another one Just Like Him! Except actually is blonde and weighs 8lbs and has short fur and is a chihuahua. And a girl. So maybe not so much like him. But is fast and a spit fire and loveable and sweet like him. And, we keep this on the down low, very obedient and possibly a teensy bit s-m-a-r-t-e-r. She's in Santa Cruz. Email me if you're interested.

In today's episode, we're just back to being a law abiding dog agility lady.

Well, that was all exciting and all with the Rangers. Trust me, you'll be hearing more about it. Maybe you figured out, Captain Laura is a little bit of pig headed about some stuff and Rangers with too many accessories intended to take me out strapped on to belts leaping out of bushes to give me a ticket for walking my dogs is at the tip top of my list. Pyramid it, stud it and spike it. I smell a courthouse drama!

Let's take a soothing break for a genuine dog agility video made by sticking the camera on a bucket and hitting the button. Is genius, my figuring out how to make my camera take moving pictures. Next thing will be magic talking machines to talk to Jesus pinned to shoulders like corsages. I don't know what this video shows you. There is no moral to this story. Wait. Yes there is. That Gustavo is doing the same little sequences as everyone else. And maybe is faster and turning tighter. Ha! Take THAT Otterpop! Maybe I will end up with a genuine trained dog one of these days. Although still has training wheels on his weave poles.

And I was able to put words on the video. Sort of. Genius! Next time maybe all the words will show up instead of vanishing into computer land. Or my purse. Where the hell did all those words go? And if you listen real close, you can hear Gustavo making weird airplane sounds in the background. Just like you were there. With the sheep.

Spoiler for today's episode is at least I don't get shot with the firearm.

So you know, I haven't been yammering about Lighthouse Field much lately. Haven't seen many rangers out there, and continue to walk my dogs out there nearly every day. Leash my ass.


Technically, this is still illegal activity. But we still do it. Selling meth out there is illegal too, those guys still do that. Just look for all black shorts and knee socks and hoodies if you need some meth!


And this is illegal too. Luckily not happening in fresh hot man shit from the growing homeless camper population out there.


And this is actually illegal. Whew, glad they're not chasing all the feral cats we see since there's hardly any dogs out there anymore.


Part of Lighthouse Field State Park includes Its Beach. My local neighborhood beach, where I take my dogs to run pretty much every single day. Dogs need to run, and this has always been the Dog Beach. We always walk through the field on the way there and on the way home.


Sometimes they stop running for a minute to rest. That is actually just as illegal as running, in case you were wondering.


And sit down. Oops. If they sit and not on a leash, it's a misdemeanor.


And maybe even lay down. That was a lot of tennis ball fetches, Otterpop. Is illegal for her to lay down like that, but legal for the creepy drug addled guy to come and ask me for a cigarette.


So we always walk to and from the beach through the Field. Always have. Look who came running out of the bushes yelling at us today? Doens't it seem like it would be hard to run with that many accessories attached to your accessory belt?


It's Officer Borreson and Officer Walters! We've met Officer Walters before. But I don't believe I've had the pleasure, Officer Borreson. I called all the dogs in and they did a dog training sit and let me put on their leashes. I have really good dogs sometimes. I am pretty sure Officer Walters remembers us, because as soon as I whipped out my camera, he Loud Whispers to Officer Borreson, "Give her a 319." That's cop talk for a misdemeanor citation for having dogs off a leash in their new park. See, new park for them, old park for me. He told me he was going to video me too. I said that's Super! Cuz I was going to photograph them. She's calling in my info to see if I have any outstanding warrants in my name.


Officer Borreson was happy to write me up. Maybe she is like the waitress and Officer Walters like Top Chef? He just stood there all grumpy stink eye at me the whole time. One hand always right there by his sidearm. She had this really great eyeshadow on. But I didn't ask her what shade that was. She asked me if anyone had ever asked me to leash my dogs out there. I told her I had to think about that for a while, since I've been walking them out there for like my whole life off leashes and that's a lot of years to think about. Think, think, think. Um, Yeah! It's been mentioned to me once or twice.


They wrote me up. $211 is what we believe it will cost AND I have to go to court for it. So after she handed it to me, I thanked them, and asked if they would be writing any tickets to that guy I saw sleeping in the bushes this morning when I walked off leash to the beach? Or the meth guys I saw yesterday? Or the creepy guy that was on the beach and actually why I left this morning? Well, Officer Walter's answer was, "YOU NEED TO LEAVE THIS PARK NOW."


I was like, "Like you mean, you're kicking me out?"

Officer Walters stink eyes me again. Although he has on Terminator Style shades on so it's hard to see. I think they were a present from our Governator! Maybe he was actually looking kindly at me.

"Yes, I am evicting you and you need to vacate the premises immediately."


I said, in a nicey voice because I am a nicey lady, "Wait, how come you are KICKING ME OUT of my neighborhood park?"


He said in a not nicey voice that I have to paraphrase here because I didn't bring my reporter's notebook, although YAY I had my camera, because I knew the rules and I violated them and it was time for me to leave and not come back today. NOW. Like, if I can use my psychic What Do Rangers Think powers, I was knowingly being a naughty lady and maybe a little bit smarty pants and not at all like a nice waitress, and it made him irritated, and in his job, if he's irritated, he can throw me out of his park. No more sharing. No more our park.

Hello and welcome to my birthday party.

So I was going to replace my carpeting in the spare bedroom/office/storage unit with these Product Placement cool carpet tiles. Fast and easy. Looks really good. Urban. Modern. Cool and hip. Instant good taste. Come sponsor Team Small Dog carpet tile grand poobas. A Sunday with no dog show and time for fun and breezy home improvement.


First had to pull up the old rug. Got pee stained during the last part of Timmy's life. Was just some beige carpet, covering circa 1968 grody vinyl. Who needs that in a house when you can have carpet tiles in a plethora of colors evoking mossy woodland clearning and build a taxidermy room? There will be branches. I envision a squirrel shelf running the length of the room with taxidermied squirrels in realistic and threatening poses.

I thought maybe a nice job for one day. Tear out and install. Happy Birthday to me and I'll have a new floor. So all the stuff stuffed into that room, I stuff in all the nooks and crannies and all floor space of all our other rooms. Which are a bedroom and a kitchen/living/dining speck of space. So you walk in our house and you are sure the crazy have landed as you squeeze past STUFF. Have I mentioned once or twice our house is the size of the cupholder in your Ford Explorer? Like one Labahoula puppy laying down takes up the entire living room and kitchen and no one can walk even a single step?


So how did I end up with a pile of sheetrock and insulation and a truck full of wood and the surfer guy from next door standing in there sort of shaking his head but luckily out of work this week? Hope there's no swell. Trying to put the lid back on all the cans of worms me and my crowbar opened up. Involves walls. The topic today was the forest carpet and now I am missing a wall. And am embarking on a journey named A New Closet.

How's that carpet look you ask? Mossy woodland clearing? Ready for the squirrels to come home to nest?

Can you see that? It's my stink eye. Stinking right into your eye. Let's just not talk about carpets right now.

Project Runway-Green is the new green. Black. Brown. Green.

Green is in. Green is the new black and the new brown and the new gray. Last week we did recycling and this week we are doing green fabrics that don't have horrible ocean polluting dyes. And just when Suede, a big fluffy Tinky Winky really, is irritating us enough with his third person mentions of Suede, we get it. That's his thing. He's third person. Like Stella is a dour Ramone. Like Blayne is a tanorexic tweaker. And all the girls are sort of weepy art school gals from Portland. I think there's 8 of them. This is the postmodern season of Project Runway. The editing is about the editing. Everything is reused. The models are doing the shopping.

It's maybe the subversive season because now I am thinking is a big ugly F**K you to the Bravo channel for selling Tim, Heidi, and all the Saturn Vues off to the Lifetime Channel which is possibly the dorkiest and most uncool channel out there. Weepy badly written victim movie for ladies that are wearing high waisted jeans in an unironic, non Chloe Sevigny way. It's either that they've all just given up, or else they are going to lash the pants off the show like all Captain Johnny Depp with his saber before Lifetime gets it. Slash here, slash there, til it's in little shreds. Like if you got sold to JCPenny. It's a gig. But one that makes you secret cry as you walk to the bus stop every morning. You either go down weeping or go down with one helluva fight.

The designers haven't given up though. They're trying. They're going to make cocktail dresses for their favorite models. Because nothing says cocktails like a small herd of models walking in a row, following Heidi Klum in synchronized steps. It's the cocktail army. Heidi is as lean and mean as ever, in her tiny little skirts, and even Nina later mentioning shiney short tight as a good way to look cheap doesn't sway Heidi. Cool as a cucumber, that steely eyed tart. Her kids are off with Seal somewhere and she's shiney short tight and Nina can just say that to her face and see what happens is what Heidi thinks.

So let's cut to the chase. Honestly, I was bored. Ho Hum. Pretend Nina just said that and you can picture how I would say bored. Hold your mouth in an "O" shape for a little longer than everyone else. We didn't much get to see them building their dresses. Maybe a little. Once built, we had Suede's circus fiesta dress which actually won the prize and you can order your own off of Bluefly now. Which sells sort of over and done with fashion on the internet. Ha HA! take that Lifetime new home at the Lifetime Channel. BlueFLY!

Suede is curious, but they are teaching us to hate him, so maybe he's getting Aufed soon. Someone leaked it onto the internet that he was getting aufed this week, so when I saw him sewing his little shreds together, I was like ha HA! my psychic abilities say Suede goes tonite. He sort of reminds me of Perez Hilton, all chubby in screenprinted Grranimals seperates, lumbering about, with his teletubby body and helmet and puffy swollen feet.

Daniel Vosovic who likes animals made a cute black dress with pockets that I would wear to dog agility. Had frisbee holders and a nice scoop neck. I think it had a skort under there too. Stella Ramone stitched hers up the side and got big gushy kisses from Michael Kors for it. They made a big deal about her and the leather thing. But at least she has a THING. So far, they only made a thing about her thing. And Tinky Winky's third person thing. I guess we get more things, but it's going to maybe be in a F**K you ratings kind of way is my guess.

The special guest judge who is Natalie Portman is devoting her life to vegan shoes instead of being a movie star now. All the girls from Portland are like YAY! Vegan shoes! Detroit guy for a moment considers vegan shoes. He has kids. Go environment. Maybe the global warming won't swallow the kids up before they die of old age if Natalie Portman sells enough of her vegan shoes. She's wearing a green dress in honor of our generation. Her generation. Portland girls' generation. I think it was made of whale killing dyes. Maybe, maybe not. Her and her vegan shoes aren't telling though.

Wesley, who I'll tell you now gets aufed, wore his own little rolled up shorts and little red shoes. Really, he stole the show just for his little otufit. Like remember Angus from ACDC? I think that suit jackets made of lightweight seersucker and polo shirts under with rolled up shorts and no socks with your red shoes is the style for summer men in New York City. I am not lying. It's nice we can all get along in a city where you can wear all leather if you want or all rolled up shorts with no socks red shoes if you want. Wesley is like a quiet gay version of Angus, he might secretly play ACDC songs at home. Sadly, we'll never know. He made a matching dress with one of the Portland girls, I can't remember which one. How many of them are there, those girls back there? The one that likes making funny little satin nurse caps that match her dresses. They had a run off for last place and even with his little red shoes he got cut. Boy was his dress ugly though. Nina had a poison dart in her hand, and just told him the too tight short shiney line, and then pegged him right in the bare knee with it. Ouch. Bet he wishes he didn't roll up his shorts so high.

Korto almost came in last too for building a dress that looked like a flabby yellow fish. Her model looked like maybe would be available to stand outside a nice fish restaurant, El Pollo Pesco, and wave a net vigorously around in the air with a toothy, fishy smile. A fine fleshy tuna. It had fins for real. It even made Tim Gunn stop and pause and not sure what to say and snap out of his funk for a moment of the train crash he was witnessing with his own two eyes. Sorry Tim Gunn. We are sorry you endure this and maybe you come help me install carpeting this weekend for some real fun. Because it's my birthday today, Tim Gunn. And I'm installing carpeting myself to make my floor look like a woodland moss forest with 5 different colors. But I don't have to finish by midnight. I'll finish sometime next January at my rate of speed. Good thing I didn't enter Project Runway.

I was happy for Stella. Because I don't know anyone that talks like her. She is so potential dog agility lady. She's never used yellow satin before. Only leather. Pyramid it, stud it, spike it. The models all lied and said they'd go for cocktails in their dresses even when they had giant fluffy collars that prevent drinking or chewing on stitches. Because they don't drink anyways, causes pooching in the indented little tummies. And they sure as hell they never get to go shopping for the fabric again.

A puppy with feet the size of a big squashed frog.

This is Lily. She is not exactly a member of Team Small Dog, because she is a still a puppy and she is very, very large. She doesn't even fit in the whole picture she is so big and she is only 5 months old. We believe her to be part Catahoula and part Lab. She came for a sleepover the other night.


Her and Gustavo are best friends. They sit on the deck at work all day together and play bitey face attack squadron. Even though one dog is 12lbs and one dog is 4 million lbs. Gustavo makes a special Lily sound when they play, that sounds sort of like if Alvin the Chipmonk re-recorded Led Zeppelin 4 and you played it backwards at super fast speed. While you have the blender on. With Tom Waits singing backup.


The other dogs, not so thrilled Lily had to come home with us. She doesn't know the rules. Like you can't sleep with your head inside Ruby's crate when Ruby's in there. Like don't freak out when the chow from down the street decides to repeatedly leap over our fence into our yard to hang out on our porch in the middle of the night.


Otterpop makes sure to teach her important rules. Where she can sit and walk and what toys she can't play with. That would be all of them if Otterpop had her way. Lily is a puppy after all. A little grasshopper. And Otterpop is David Caradine.


Someday, Lily will realized that she weighs 300lbs and is 6 feet tall at the withers and that those little pipsqueak squirts are easily squashable. Until that day, she just does whatever they say. And does most of her gangly, too much leg for her body running with a sharp toothed Gustavo attached on to her lips. Because that's what friends are for.

In this episode, we'll do our best to fix a broken cat.

This is my cat. Her name is Princess. Maybe you think I named her. Maybe you would be wrong.


She's supposed to be an employee of a pet. Keeping the gopher population down. Not sure if she is a star employee or not, but she's a good cat. Lives outside on a dog crate. Got her from the feral cat population out at the dump when she was a kitten. Can't really remember how old she is. We usually just call her kitty and stick some food in a bowl for her every day. Your cat probably has a nicer life. I figure, it could be worse.


This is kind of her lot in life at my house. Get stared at a lot.


She holds her own all right. Unless she gets ganged up on. One on one, she can handle any of Team Small Dog just fine.


Sometimes fights. There's a lot of cats in the neighborhood. Pistachio from next door is of the Siamese variety and especially pesky. You know how cats like to hold their territory. So this latest round of puncture wounds, I think I'll blame on Pistachio. Gary brought home Kevlar gloves from work, which also happens to be the dump, so we could do some cat doctor magic on her. You know me. Junior vet with just enough knowledge to be dangerous to everyone involved. Repeat after me. Small animals ain't no horses. I brought home clippers too so we could see just what we were working with. Because you know cat fights and abscesses.


Wanted to clean them up and stick some stuff on them. I am too seeking prompt medical attention. Seeking it out in my own backyard. Not always easy to work on cats though.


Also would help if actually read the label of the stuff I selected out of the medicine cabinet. It's a tube from the drugstore. How many of those in there? Also because I kind of need glasses now but I forget I do and also forget where I put them the last time I remembered I need glasses.


So never seen this tube of stuff before but it lives in my medicine cabinet and just spread that stuff all over the cat bite wounds. Should take care of it, right? Later that night, Gary comes home. See's that tube out on the counter. "Um," he says, "this isn't the stuff you put on the cat, right?"


Uh, because that doesn't say Triple Anitbiotic Cream. It says someone in this house that isn't me may have a fungus somewhere common in the podiatry zone of atheletes and that's what I tried to cure the holes all over my poor cat with. Haven't really seen the cat since.

In today's episode, me and the dog show photographer offer you some nice shots of my ass.

Found some photos from the dog show photographer.My non agility friends, here is a whole industry you didn't even know existed. You get a camera with the longest lense in the world, looks like you have a tube of salami attached to your face. Sit in a beach chair outside the dog show ring and click every time the dog comes by. All day. Why bother taking that beach chair to an actual beach when you could sit outside that dog show ring? Start at 8am, finish whenever the dogs finish. 3pm? 5pm? 7pm? Sit and click, thousands of time. When you're done, put them on the internet and maybe someone buys one. Or someone goes up and grabs it and sticks it on a blog. Not paying. Horrible little thief. I've bought one or two, but it's hard to find a photo I love. Very picky, I am. Little bit of a crapshoot for those tired and bored photographers.


The thing I don't so much get, the photographers are very careful to try to just get a nice photo of the dog. Don't get the person. Closeup on the dog coming through the poles, or the tire, or blasting out of the tunnel. Because we wear weird outfits and our hair askew and ugly shoes, never, ever include the human unless it's a tragic photography mistake. I love the tragic mistake ones. I want the shot of me screaming at the dog. Looking panicked. Doing the electric slide with hands making a shimmy shimmy shake your tailfeather Beyonce ass to get your dog onto that table.

I just had to show you this.

I'm not really a video person. I mean, I am not at all a video person. This is taken with my regular camera, just setting it on a bucket and using the video for dummies button. And don't mind me hiking up my pants. But I thought maybe you'd like to see what Gustavo looks like doing a little sequence. Not having an actual camera angle that could show you, he does that chute barrel out to a staggered line of jumps before the tunnel. Like stuff I do with everyone else! And every time we did those poles, hit that entrance no problem, and pretty fast through 'em, RIGHT? Like I think, little drumroll, maybe even faster than Otterpop's poles.

Yeah, the channels are a little open at the first couple poles. I really want him super confident about those entries, even though this may come back to haunt me at some point. And yeah, that's how I do his startline. Like we just GO. More potential haunting of the future. And yeah, that's Otterpop barking under the soundtrack. I am kind of from the what the hell if the other dogs bark school of thought when it comes to irritating barking dogs during agility. Just pretend they have little cheerleader skirts and are tearing up pom poms at the same time. Too loud for any haunting. Those barking short dogs scare the pants off any lurking ghosties.

But see here, my non agility friends. I am running really, really fast. Look at Laura run, insert your giggles now. I don't care. This is the whole point here. That tunnel is almost 100 feet away from the camera. My chubby and stubbly legs are flying. And those jumps you can't see are on weirdo angles, and he's just getting it. You run as fast as you can, you do what I show you, and you think it's the best day ever. It is starting to get really, really fun with him.

They're not exactly the cuddly wuddly types.

I thought this just sort of looked like a scene from Sid and Nancy. Except I can't tell who is Sid and who is Nancy.

In this episode, we had a nice dog show over the weekend.

So yesterday, we drove up to a CPE dog show in Petaluma. CPE dog shows, my non agility friends, are sort of like the flip flops to your vintage Frye engineer boots. Not to be confused with non vintage ones purchased at full price through some swishy online retailer that sells the Perfect Belt for $340. Sort of like the Mazda to the F-250 truck. Your basic tract ranch with wall to wall berber to your sculpturally restored Eichler. Like it gets you where you want to go. Just has sort of a different vibe than USDAA. Kind of agility for the rest of us.

So when kicking back in a tract house in your flip flops, 6 year old Mazda parked in the pretty clean driveway, there's not a bunch of cares in you